The Day After Christmas

Twas the day after Christmas, and the roads were all crowded
With people returning, all the stuff that’s not wanted
They go to the malls, and stand in long lines.
Just so the kids will stop with their whines.

Yes, one of the 2 most crowded driving days around any shopping center of the year. The other one being the day after Thanksgiving. Why are both of these busy shopping days the day after a Holiday in which you stuff yourself with food? Is it because people want to go to the malls to shed off some of the poundage they gained on the day before? Oh my gosh, I’m too fat from all that good food, I think I’ll go to the mall and walk around in a store full of crowded people and shed some of this weight. I could get a nap standing in line. Maybe it is that no one is creative enough anymore to do anything but shop on a day when they could do anything else that they wanted. I never have been and never will be out shopping on either one of those days, although I do confess to typically shopping on Christmas Eve. Leave that stuff for the masochists that want to save that extra 20%. Hey, I am all for saving money especially in these days and times, but what is the value of one’s time when you think of all the BS you have to put up with to shop on one of these days.

They go to the malls the day after Thanksgiving to get that special gift.. You know the one the kids have been begging for during the past 3 months. Oh, please mom, make sure Santa gets that for me for Christmas. So they stand in lines at 3:00 in the frickin morning to get that early early bird special or make sure they get that special gift before the store runs out of the one they are offering at special prices. My fat ass is sleeping in on those days because I had good food and a couple adult beverages the night before. The only thing I am waking up for is if I have a tee time or to watch the football games and drink another couple adult beverages. OK sorry for the digression, now we jump forward 4 to 6 weeks depending on how much time there is on that year between Thanksgiving and Christmas. That is another thing I just do understand. Call me stupid but why is there such a big difference between some years and Thanksgiving and Christmas. Why does Thanksgiving change for year to year? If Christmas is always the 25th of December why isn’t it so for Thanksgiving? This year it seemed as if Thanksgiving was just over and Christmas is here. There wasn’t even time for the geese to get fat again in the time between the Holidays. You remember the saying” Christmas is coming the geese are getting fat”

So Santa slipped his fat ass down the chimney last night and it is now Christmas Day opening all the presents and everything starts to happen. One whines why they did not get the Uncle Doodles scratch pad and another one says this is not the right thingamajig because it is blue and not purple. Your sister in law buys you the ugliest sweater in the world that you would not even want to put her through the misery of wearing….. So, we resolve themselves (again not me cuz I am sleeping or golfing) to go to the mall and buy some extra stuff on sale or return and exchange the gifts. What difference does a day make if I do it today or tomorrow or next week.. OH NO.. It may be gone by then. Too bad, then get something else.

It always also makes me wonder why we do not just wait until a week after Christmas to give everyone Christmas presents since you can buy them cheaper than any time in the year. Yes you may not get the exact thing you want but you would definitely save money. Maybe it would be best to change to an Eastern Rights Church which celebrates Christmas on January 6th. But then again even most of them exchange gifts on Dec 25th as opposed to waiting for their religions official Christmas. Yet, no matter what we have to conform to do what everyone else does whenever everyone else does it. Why not take that chance and be different, celebrate Holidays much later than you are supposed to. This way you could really celebrate Christmas in July.

Why can stores afford to practically give their crap away with only one day making a difference? Does this tell you the mark up they have on their stuff to begin with is huge or are they actually selling at a loss. I doubt they are selling at a loss just to get rid of stuff, not yet at least.

So as you remember the traffic and the drive you took to save money and exchange gifts, just remember one think, Christmas is only 363 days away. Happy New Year!!!

Frickin Idiots

Have you ever laid awake at night just so pissed off at the world and think to yourself what a frickin idiot a certain person is? It does not have to be someone you know by name or even someone who you know exactly who it is. It could have been a total stranger and in many instances, that is the case. Why are there just so many stupid ass people in the world? The ones that just do stupid things and also the ones that when you ask them a question all they do is look at you with that blank stare. You know, that stare that say the lights are on but no one is home.

I get so pissed at people and situations all the time because they are just so stupid. Like the clerk at the store that still screws up how much change to give you even though the cash register tells them the exact amount, they do not know how to frickin count out the change. How about the guy that cuts you off driving at the last minute or runs the red light and almost runs you head on? Lets here it for the person in front of you in the line at the drive thru McDonald’s that takes forever to read the menu, and then tries to order into the speaker that isn’t there because there is a sign that says drive to window to place your order. These are just some examples of the situational stupidity that infests itself in our everyday society.

This type of idiot can also be seen in many other face to face situations. You know who they are when you ask them the question they just give you the stare, sometimes they will repeat your question while they are giving you the stare. All the while they are thinking I really do not know what the frick he is talking about so I will just give him the stare and pretend. How frickin stupid do they think we are that we don’t know that they don’t know Jack, and I’m not talking about the mascot for Jack in the Box restaurants. Although the guy who wears the costume may seem like an idiot but heck, look at the money he is making being an idiot.

While we are talking about idiots who make a lot of money, let’s talk about CEO’s who make millions and millions of dollars running our corporations into near bankruptcy and then having the balls to ask for our government to give them money so they do not have to go bankrupt. Or how about the union boss idiots that let wages get out of control so our companies cannot compete with newer companies here in the US without the unions. Or let’s talk about Governors who want to sell Senate seats. Yes, the list can go on and on and on.

As I think about this there are probably a whole lot of people that think I am an idiot also. I find myself to be extremely adept at doing most things, however when it comes to some of the electronic communication devices I guess my age is getting to me in figuring a lot of that stuff out because I do not have the patience to sit down and work it out since my mind is constantly wandering and wanting to do more productive things than spend hours figuring all that crap out. That is why we pay people to do this stuff like the ones that sell you phones. I had an experience getting a new Blackberry yesterday and the girl at the phone store said she could not download my contacts and was having problems setting up my email. I asked her questions and got the blank stare, so I said screw it just give me the phone and I will figure it out. OK, this is where I become the idiot after dealing with an idiot. I got home and realized that she had not set up my email to sync with my other email accounts. Anyway to make a long story short, after spending several frustrating hours I still do not have a clue how to set this up. Due to this I sent several emails last night to a couple people who know how to do this who must think I am an absolute idiot because my message came about as so frantic. This would have never happened had I not had to deal with an idiot to begin with when I purchased my phone and had someone to explain it to me.

It is my belief that idiots do not want to be alone in this society so they make it so you act like an idiot after dealing with them because they are so frickin stupid it temporarily attacks your brain cells and sends them into a state of shock so you act like an idiot too and lose all self deduction skills. How many times have you displayed irrational behavior after having to deal with an idiot? My favorite is to just flip them off, unfortunately I think they are too frickin dumb to understand what the finger means.

Holiday Parties

I love this time of year not only for the joy of Christmas but for all the different types of parties that happen during this season. Before Christmas Parties, Christmas Parties, Office Parties, Out of the Office Parties, The party after the office party at the local bar, New Years Eve Parties, New Years Day hangover Parties, New Years Day Football Parties and Parties just to Party.

That’s right I love parties during this time of year because I get to watch people who do not drink much get absolutely blasted and make fools of themselves. Now, I am no angel and I had my share of being the drunk at parties when I was younger, drunker and did not have many responsibilities. But now, I’ll have my couple of tea toddling drinks and just watch the others which provides more humor than hearing about the assholes in Washington trying to bail out the automotive industry.

There are just so many places to go with this topic that I don’t know where to start. So whenever I know I have a lot to write about I normally go to a song. As I sit here thinking, there are a few easy song titles which can relate to Office Christmas Parties, and the thoughts going through our heads after a few drinks. If anyone would want to hear a full verse of any of these songs just email me and I will email you back with my original rendition. Or maybe I could do a K-Tel album of the Best of Office Party Christmas Songs and have some washed up celebrity on a commercial singing the lead ins. Maybe like Danny Bonaduce or Andrew Dice Clay. $1.99 each + free bonus if you order NOW.

1) “I saw your wife screwing Santa Claus”. (To the tune of “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus”)

2) “Chase the Whores ”. ( To the tune of “Deck the Halls”)

3) “We wish we will get Laid Tonight”. ( To the tune of “We wish you a Merry Christmas”)

4) “I’m Wonderin how she Looks Naked”. ( To the tune of “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas”)

5) “I’ve got Blue Balls “( To the tune of “Jingle Bells”)

OK, sorry for the diversion but I just had to go there. Think about the office parties you went to when you were single; yes the only reason we were there was to get as drunk as possible and try to get laid. The sad thing is that most of the older married men there were also trying to do the same thing. There is nothing funnier than watching a bunch of middle aged white men with no rhythm trying to dance with 20 years olds and stumbling over their feet. Quite a few sprained ankles and broken egos at some parties I had been to. The sad thing is that the young hotties would navigate to these guys because they made the money and we were all young just starting out. So by the time they finally had time for us they were already drunk and the task at hand was a lot easier than having to go through all the initial bullshit. A lot of the parties were at hotels so we wouldn’t have to drive home, it was even more of a laugh to see how hung over people looked the morning after.

There are various stereotypes that get played out at any Holiday Party.

1) "Slurry Talkies"; there always is at least one person who will just talk and talk to anybody about anything and they do not make sense at all. They are typically slurring so bad you can’t understand them anyway and you are afraid they are going to fall over on you because they can barely stand.

2) “Huggies”; this is what I refer to as someone who all of a sudden gets affectionate and wants to hug people all the time. Depending on the situation this could be good or bad. Use your imagination here.

3) “Meanies”; these are the people who want to start arguments either with their spouse, girlfriend or just about anyone else. Normally the ones who ass you have to kick to escort out of the party

4) Food Mongers; they will stay at the food buffet all night just shoveling it in, you can’t even talk to them because they always have something in their mouth and combined with the alcohol you do not want to get a shower of food and beer while talking with them.

5) Finally I will end this with the Bubbas, yes they are the one that will drink and drink until they puke all over the place. I have written a song below. “ Bubba the Drunkass Redneck”. Of course it is a Christmas Song to the tune of Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer.

Hope you enjoy and Merry Christmas.

You’ve got Harley and Billy and Dale and Daryl
Carson and Jethro and Bobby and Chandler
But do you recall
The most famous redneck of all

Bubba the Drunkass Redneck
Just had to have another drink
He wanted to do some shooters
And puked up in the kitchen sink

All of the other Rednecks
Picked him off the kitchen floor
They wanted to kick his drunk ass
Right out of the frickin door.

Instead he puked up on the rug,
Stumbling to the the door
Bubba with his beer in hand
Couldn’t even frickin stand

That’s when he left the party,
And we shouted out with glee
Bubba the Drunk Ass Redneck,
Glad he didn’t puke on me.

I wish you a Merry Re-Gift

Since I have never ever re-gifted anything in my life, I was doing a search for it on Google and found the script from the Jan.19, 1995 episode of Seinfield called “The Label Maker”. According to all my research this was the origination of the popular use of the term re-gifting. In case you may not remember, this is the episode in which Jerry receives a label maker from their dentist friend as a thanks for Super Bowl Tickets, only to find out that Elaine initially gave the Label maker to the Dentist for doing some free dental work.

Reading this episode made me realize just how well written this show was in terms of pure comic genius. It starts on a topic, introduces variables and manages to tie in the main topic several times. Just as an FYI the link to this script is http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/TheLabelMaker.html

Ok enough of the Seinfiedisms and back to the main topic. If you search the Internet on the topic you will find the same old rules about re-gifting over and over and over again, but just to make the point I will repeat them here also adding a couple of my own before I get into my take on re-gifting.

1) Do not give the re-gift to someone who knows the person that originally gave you the gift. This is the point of the Seinfield episode
2) Take any old markings off of the gift
3) If you know when you get something that you are eventually going to re-gift it, mark on a piece of paper who gave it to you initially so you do not give it to them.
4) Make sure the gift is new and not used
5) Make sure that you do not think it was re-gifted to you
6) Don’t be too cheap and at least rewrap the gift to make it seem as new
7) Don’t’ give stuff that is obviously a major target for re-gifting such as candles, soaps, after shave, cologne, pictures, obscure DVD’s or Cd’s, etc, you get the point.
8) Don’t tell the person you are giving the gift to that it is a re-gift.
9) Don’t re-gift something that you think is a re-gift already ( unless you do as stated below )

All right now that we have covered all the basic stuff on re-gifting let me give you my take on it. You are all a bunch of cheap ass bastards that don’t want to spend any money on people but want to give away your own frickin junk. (I am glad I do not fall into that category). Let’s face it; what else do we have to do with that some of that stuff we get. You know the stuff that you repeat when you open the box. Oh!! What a gorgeous scarf!! A Scarf!! (Thinking, you dumb ass what do I need a scarf for when I live in South Carolina and it does not get cold enough to wear one) Oh Thanks so much for “The Scarf”

I really cannot come up with a good rhythm here to write a fluid article on this so here are just a bunch of random thoughts, comments and question revolving around re-gifting.

• To gift or to re-gift that is the question
• How many germs do you think are on that plastic the fruitcake is wrapped in?
• Do not drink the Aqua Velva anymore as they put chemicals in it. Just re-gift that re-gift.
• How many years does fruitcake stay fresh?
• How long does it take to iron the wrinkles out of once worn ugly necktie?
• Do people actually wear tie pins or is that just another perfect re-gift item.
• If you receive a gift that you KNOW is a re-gift you should just re gift it back to that person next year to let them know you knew it was a re-gift to begin with.
• Remember to wipe down the boxes of stuff you are re-gifting to get rid of all the dust or if you want to be a smart ass write Merry Christmas in the dust.
• Has anyone really used soap on a rope or is it just the same one that keeps going around.
• Make a joke out of re-gifting with some of your friends and re-gift the same piece of junk item year after year to each other and make sure the person has to display it in a visible place in their house until the next year when they can get rid of it.
  
  So now you know everything there is going on in my brain about re-gifting and here’s hoping you get what you want for Christmas and remember to make sure the labels are still on it.
  
  
  
  
  
  

Tax Free Gun Sale Weekend in SC

Now, I should probably be the last person in the world to write anything about guns, but my motto is if a reader requests a topic that I will write on it and make it humorous, so here it goes.

In July the SC General assembly voted to have its’ First Annual Second Amendment Sales Tax Holiday, This holiday allowed for tax free sales of firearms on the weekend following Thanksgiving. The results of this Sale were greeted enthusiastically by gun purchasers and sales were heavy this weekend wherever you could buy guns especially pawn shops. I guess if you look at it, why not, most criminals buy their guns on the black market and do not pay taxes anyway, so why not let us have the chance to also not pay taxes to buy guns to protect ourselves against the guys who buy guns without paying taxes to kill us and rob us and all the other crimes that are associated with firearms.

I am not sure what other states besides SC and NC have tax free gun sales at all or even for a weekend, but I do have to remember that I am in South Carolina and things are different here than in the rest of the populated portions the USA. The “war” is still not over yet according to some people you talk to, they still make moonshine in the mountains, a sport started out of moonshine running racers, dentists are not a common doctor that most people see, and last but not least they feel they have to own a gun. Now when you talk to some of the people here (that is if you can understand them to begin with) they will tell you that the reason they need guns is for “huntin”. (no g’s are ever pronounced in SC) I am not exactly sure why killing things is such an important part of life down here, but people take off of work during deer season to get up extremely early in the morning to sit in a frickin tree all day waiting for their chance to shoot some unexpecting Bambi. The really do not want the Bambi’s though they want the Bucks so they can then show off their manhood by mounting the frickin antlers and putting them up on their wall as a trophy. Yep that’s right I am a redneck deer killer. What a great statement and a tradition to be carried on by their grandchildren. I’ll tell you where I would like to put those antlers.

I mentioned a sport starting form moonshining. The official definition of NASCAR is National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing. My own definition of this is North and South Carolina Assholes Racing. Yep the only reason this got its’ start was to run moonshine through the mountains without getting caught. It’s a shame these boys make millions from something that was started by a bunch of rednecks in the mountains. Yee Haaaaaa let’s buy some guns so we can shoot at the guys trying to get our moonshine, but make sure it is on Tax Free Day.
Now back to our main topic I guess this is the SC way to stimulate the economy because they sell so many guns that the tax money saved by not paying the taxes for one day will be so much it will stimulate the economy out of recession. How about a Tax Free Car Day, hey what an idea, stimulate sales for an industry that needs one, and give up the tax money for a weekend so that those buying a car can afford a few extra tanks of gas taking road trips and spending some of that extra money But then again who am I to say what tax money to give away and what the regular guy would really want in terms of a tax savings.

I like to stay away from politics and religion in my weekly comments here, so I will leave the issue of the economy alone and go back to Guns. I think the next tax free should be a fishin stuff (another word with no G in the south) It is the same premise and used for killing things just like the guns. The only difference is that people can’t be shot with fishin stuff but they can with guns.

Ok now, criminals wouldn’t get their guns from regular shops anyway, it is mostly black market. Now what if were to tax the Black Market, we know it’s there and no one gives a damn about it anyway because law enforcement officials continue to let them exist. So I say we hire Mafia type guys who know the Blank Market guys anyway to go in there as if they were collecting a bad debt for a bookie and get the taxes from them. If not, they can break their legs or something like that. If worse comes to worse they could even threaten them with the guns they paid no taxes on during the Second Amendment Tax Free Weekend.

Spam,spam,spam,spam

The 4 word sequence made infamous by the Monty Python sketch which was a spoof of the product made by Hormel in whichever everybody loves with everything especially at the diner in the spoof where Spam is served in any and every type of possible combination. Believe it or not, it was this song that actually coined the phrase “spam” for junk email. It is just like the people in the song, it pops up all the time and is extremely repetitive and irritating.

I hate Spam, we all hate spam. You know, the stuff that fills your E-mail In Box over and over again with messages that no one apparently really wants or cares about. But think about it, someone actually does buy those pills because he wants that thicker penis to satisfy his woman. Good for you buddy! But mine is fine!! It’s probably the same guy that buys the Viagra specials from Canada, yes we have certified doctors to write your prescription right now. You can use that guaranteed loan to get you 100% debt free to pay for either of these products along with the course as to how to be a multi-millionaire in 5 minutes or less. If that does not work just remember that your are the next of kin to someone you do not know that recently died in some remote part of the world and you have 60 Million coming to you if you send half of it back to someone you do not know.

If you think about it, the world of advertising is nothing but a barrage of spam that infiltrates our life almost constantly. Here is a normal condensed day which shows all the instances of spam for most people. You wake up in the morning and turn on the television or radio and you immediately get commercials. Are commercials spam? Well it is a message that you necessarily do not want to hear. Think about late night sports programming and late night television, this is where you really get hit with the most spam advertising, junk over and over again and infomercials. Anyway back to the morning when you are in the car listening to sports talk radio as I mentioned, it is over and over the same message. OK you finally get to work and turn on your computer check emails and wow… I let my junk mailbox fill up for one week without dumping it and there were over 500 that went directly into it, this does not count the ones that got through the filter and I just hit delete. It just pisses me off because it takes so much extra time to get to the messages I really want. OK now, you are on your way home from work and listening to sports radio again. You go to the mailbox and get a bunch of junk mail with no relevance, Now you get home finally wanting to relax and it is of your wife(not my wife) constantly telling you to do things over and over and over again.

Spam, spam, spam, spam.

I know that was a low shot and really was not meant to offend anybody, but think about it. If Spam really is about unwanted repetitive messages it is in our lives on a constant basis. Think about how our kids feel when we tell them to clean their rooms over and over again. I guess that is why they wear their IPODS all the time so they do not have to listen to I’m sure what they consider to be Spam from us. Why do they have IPODS in the first place? It is because of the repetitive advertising that made them want them and talk us into getting it for them because we did not want to hear their SPAM anymore about wanting an IPOD. And the list goes on and on and on and on.

Yes, that’s right I could go on about Spam for hours but that would be more spam to you, so I will finally stop this rant to have breakfast. Yep you guessed it Spam and Eggs.

2:00 AM Feeding Frenzies

The bars are all closed and you could did not go home with that guy or gal you thought you would all night, now it is just you and your friends. (Again) So what are you going to do now, the 4:00 AM bar is too far for you to drive back after drinking some more and you would still be by yourself anyway.

So, what else to do but eat!! Yep, that’s right the Waffle House’s busiest time of the night. After 2:00AM rejected drunks feeding frenzy. They don’t even notice that most of the waitresses there have no teeth, they don’t care, and they just want to soak up that alcohol with grease and slurringly recap the night.

It really doesn’t matter whether it’s Waffle House, Huddle House, House of Pancakes, White Castle, Krystal’s or many others their main focus after 2:00 AM on the weekends is for drunks to come in and try to sober up by drinking coffee and eating whatever greasy substance they can put down their stomachs without throwing up. Not that anyone has ever thrown up in any of those places at that time of night. I normally would at least step outside before I puked on the side of the building. I mean that is the courteous drunk thing to do, at least this way no one has to clean it up or it could be hosed down in the morning.

There was place in Charlotte once upon time called Hugo’s (not sure if it is still open as this was at least 15 yrs ago). They had what I thought were the best greasiest pork chops and eggs in the world. At least that is what I used to slur during many of the conversations I had there. The reason they were what I thought were the best pork chops is that no one knew for sure if they were really pork chops or not, but they did soak up the grease.

It is amazing the types of people you see in these places early in the morning. Of course, there are the ones who have been out drinking, but then again there are those that have been working like strippers, prostitutes, pimps, etc…. What a diverse and eccentric group of people all gathered in one place to end an evening. I also remember one evening when some very attractive women had walked into Hugo’s and I said to my friend. Hey, Chris look at ober dere ad dose women, ya know I’ve shene r neked. Yes, I had recognized them from a club I had been at but that’s not the point. The point is to understand and talk in the language called slurish. Yes, slurish in that language we talk to each other in at 2:00 AM in the morning and we each understand one another, because everyone else is as drunk as you. It doesn’t matter if you are talking to the table next to you or the cashier they all understand the language at 2:00 AM.
I know we can all go on and on with our personal stories on this and the names of different places we each favored during those years of drinking and slurring and puking and sleeping and then doing it again all over the next night.

The only argument you could ever get into at that time of night with your friends is, “Wherewe goanna eat? To me it just didn’t matter, but the ultimate name of one of these places should be “ Drunks R Us”

Think about it for a second, we have a Toy’s r us, Babies R us… why not a Drunks R us. This could be a multifunctional gathering place for those who like to stay out after 2:00 AM. It could have specially equipped rest rooms with drains and hoses so that the puke could easily be washed down at any time in case you do not make it outside. It could also still serve more alcohol up until 4:00 AM for those who have not yet had enough. I would also make it a low so it would be a No Cop Zone, this way they do not try to follow our drunk asses out of the special gathering place reserved for us. Lastly, it would have cots for rent in a separate part of the building so we can sleep it off and then wake up in a place where we can start all over again.

My Country Music Song

I was reading through the list of the top 20 Country music songs the other day while bored on a flight from Charlotte to Detroit. I never really have taken any type of interest in country music because I normally associate it with drinking, and lost lovers and being down in the dumps by someone’s trailer home after being driven home in their old pick-up. Anyway I read through the list of songs and had a revelation that I could actually write a country music song by inter mixing the titles of the songs into my song.

So anyway I have no clue what I am about to get myself into but here are the songs in the order from the newspaper article along with the artist that performs the song.

1) Just a Dream – Carrie Underwood
2) She Never Cried In Front of Me – Toby Keith
3) Everybody Wants to go to – Kenny Chesnee
4) Love Story- Taylor Swift
5) Let It Go – Tim McGraw
6) Chicken Fried – Zac Brown Band
7) Roll With Me – Montgomery Gentry
8) Already Gone – Sugarland
9) I’ll Walk – Bucky Covington
10) Country Man – Luke Bryan
11) Here – Rascal Flatts
12) Start a Band – Brad Paisler w/ Keith Urban
13) Love Remembers – Craig Morgan
14) All I Ever Wanted – Chuck Wicks
15) In Color – Jamey Johnson
16) Lookin For a Good Time – Lady Antebellum
17) Don’t – Billy Currington
18) Country Boy – Allan Jackson
19) She Wouldn’t be Gone – Blake Shelton
20) Feel That Fire – Dierks Bentley

Ok now there was the list of the 20 songs on the USA Today list for this week and here is my country music song!!!!


I was a lonely “Country Boy” and it was “Just a Dream”
“All I ever wanted” was to “start a band”
My friends all said “Don’t” “Let it Go” but I just couldn’t
“Feel that Fire” anymore , the dream was “Already Gone”, “Already Gone”

I met her one night at the trailer park
“Just lookin for a good time”
She said she wanted to “roll with me”
We went to the back of my single wide
It was the beginning of our “Love Story”

My girl was upset that my dream was gone
But “she never cried in front of me”
We drank whiskey and beer and watched “In Color” TV
And we made love while our “Chicken Fried” on the fire

I was a lonely “Country Boy” and it was “Just a Dream”
“All I ever wanted” was to “start a band”
My friends all said “Don’t” “Let it Go” but I just couldn’t
“Feel that Fire” anymore , the dream was “Already Gone”, “Already Gone”

“I’ll walk” most nights just wondering how my band would sing
The songs I’d write about her now,
cuz if I’d done it before “She wouldn’t be gone”
She’d be right “here” drinking some beer

“Everybody wants to go to” the old place where we could bring
our guitars, some whiskey and women and really just sing
Now that would make me a “Country Man”
and finally I would start my band

OK now, it is not going to be a gold record but it did include all the song titles. Try it yourself if you wish and just post it in my comments sections. I have to admit it was a little harder than I originally thought but I all had to do was put on my mullet wig , grab a Fred Flinstone Jelly Glass and fill it with some Jack and Pepsi, and took a couple sips, chased it with some PBR and....instantaneously I was able to think and write like a redneck which led to the song. YEE HAAA

Plastic Surgery

Did you ever wonder why they call plastic surgery “plastic” when no plastic is even involved in any of the numerous procedures which fall into this category? There really is a legitimate reason and then there is Ed’s reason. So I guess just to set the record straight, the word "plastic" derives from the Greek "plastikos" meaning to mold or to shape. So to follow logic Plastic Surgeons are molding or shaping body parts which is why it is called Plastic Surgery.

Of course there are real medical reasons for plastic surgery to take care of those people who have been injured, burned, disfigured and many other serious reasons and this article in no way is made to ridicule those types of surgeries.

To me plastic is associated with fake, not real. Kind of like the term he is a plastic person. That means not a real person but a fake plastic person. Follow me now, plastic surgery is not a fake surgery but a real surgery since they use knives and stitches and off the other stuff that if not done right will have you looking like Frankenstein or his bride. But I am of the belief that it is called plastic surgery because of the plastic people it is performed on. These people are fakes and want to keep on perpetuating their fakeness. Fake boobs, fake asses, fake lips and fake pecs the list goes on and on.

The most common form of plastic surgery is really called cosmetic surgery and this is the one that we will discuss in today’s class. Yeah, right, I just wanted to sound like a teacher for a second. Tell me what is cosmetic about getting your boobs made bigger. Cosmetic to me is changing the ways things look. Yes boobs can be made to look bigger or smaller (I prefer bigger myself) and they can also be lifted and tucked and made firmer and all that stuff. But is it really cosmetic? For it to be cosmetic would really mean that everyone can see. Well yeah, I can half see, but when I ask a lady who has just had a boob job if I can see I normally get slapped in the face. I just wanted to admire the handiwork of the surgeon in case I decided to get my wife some I would know which Doctors to go to and which not to go to. But no, I get slapped.

I was in New York earlier this year at a conference with a few colleagues. We had some adult beverages that evening and at some point in the night one of my colleagues was telling a group of women that we were there on a convention of plastic surgeons and that my specialty was breast augmentation. He did not say we were actually doctors but just that I was an expert at breasts. I guess I say I qualify cause I have definitely seen my share of them in my lifetime ( mostly at gentleman’s clubs… yeah right ) Well, all of a sudden, I became a super hero the rest of the night and just started talking about breasts. You would not believe how many hot little 20 year olds wanted to discuss their breasts. Now, always being the gentleman I did not take this to any other level like saying let me see or anything like that while we were at the bars. So we decided to go to a men’s club to critique the work that was done by various people. You know there were literally thousands of dollars of augmentations that were right there in one bar which shows you the lucrative nature of these so called optional surgeries.

Now, I have been thinking about this topic since it was suggested last week and I came up with a song about augmented breasts and it is sung to the tune of the “Armour Hot Dog Song” . You remember it, Hot Dogs Armour Hot Dogs, etc.

Fake Breasts , Men love Fake Breasts
All kinds of men love those Fake Breasts
Big Breasts, Little Breasts, Breasts that are really firm
C cups, D Cups, They’re the ones that make us squirm
Fake Breasts, Men love Fake Breasts
The Breasts men love to ……....

Ok sorry about that I just got carried away for a second in getting to talk about breasts. I bet you thought I was going to use a different work that rhymed with firm. Your mind is sicker than mine. And yes, I left that last work blank on purposes because there are so many things men love to do with breasts. Oh no here I go again.. OK, I will stop about that now and talk about asses.

That’s right fake asses, just like our politicians in Washington and most of the people in Hollywood. I guess the way they refer to the procedure is a “butt lift” or “butt augmentation". Anyway they take fat and inject into your ass to help shape your body so your ass matches the rest of your body and they perform liposuction at the same time. So basically they are redistributing the fat in your ass.

Ok, nice asses are good to look at but the only functionality that a normal persons ass has is to take a huge dump and provide cushioning when we sit. It kind of contrasts with the asses is Washington that kind of just sit there but are not functional at all.

Lastly, let’s talk about Hollywood. If I were to do my career all over again I want to be a plastic surgeon in Hollywood, or maybe even just Joan Rivers plastic surgeon, I bet he made a living just on her. These people are so vain, they are the one Carly Simon wrote about in her song.

The amount of different types of cosmetic surgeries in Hollywood is amazing as they seek to be the perfect person in that perfect city of perfect people. These perfect people think just because they look good that their fame should lead them to be leaders or influences of leaders in our government. Just think of it this way, if more Hollywood patients of plastic surgeons who have had butt augmentation ran for the House of Representative or the Senate then we could be sure to have the perfect ass in Washington.

Rednecks ooppss meant to say Mullets...

Sorry about the title, I got confused since the two go so much hand in hand, I forgot which one I was asked to write about this week. Yes, you got it, the fashion statement of the century; the mullet.

When I think of a mullet the first thing that comes to mind is David Spade playing “Joe Dirt”. In my opinion one of the frickin funniest movies I have ever seen because it is the stereotype personified. It’s strange the way our minds associate peoples personalities, intelligence or in this case lack of due to a physical appearance or a terrible mistake in judgment by thinking this haircut looks cool.

OK now for those of you who may be saying “What is a mullet” I want to know what rock you have been hiding under all your life. But just to be fair a “mullet” is a type of hairstyle which is short or cropped in the front and side and is long in the back. They seem to have had the majority of their popularity in the 80’s and early 90’s and basically South of the Mason Dixon line in the US., although some misguided people in other areas are sometimes seen with this illness also. You would think the opposite, long hair means it keeps things warmer so it makes sense that it would be popular if anyplace in the northern states. But this proves my theory on the intellectual powers of people who have mullets since they are in the south where long hair would typically be a problem due to the heat, but these people are so dumb they don’t think that way, they just let the back of their hair grow and grow and grow.

I have 2 theories that the length of the hair is proportionate to the lack of intelligence exhibited by mullet wearing people.

1) Having a mullet in the southern regions causes a type of heatstroke during the summer months which then affects their brains ability to think and react to the world in a normal manner

2) When mullet people are sleeping at night, the hair becomes alive and starts` to wrap itself around the necks of all people who have mullets. This causes a lack of oxygen to their brains which leads to the same effect as above

In addition to mullet people having delusional thoughts that this hairstyle actually looks good, mullets cause the behavior of mullet people to become extremely offensive to others, this includes
· drinking alcohol to excess ( this is to help them forget they have mullets)
· decreasing levels of intelligence on a daily basis ( due to alcohol consumption and the lack of oxygen as noted in theory 2)
· terrible hygiene (they forget to bathe due to the brain deterioration)

In closing I would like to leave you with a little know fact on mullets that maybe will one day be a Jeopardy question or something like that. A mullet is also a type of fish. It is often called a shit fish because when waste is dumped overboard from Navy ships the mullet is the first fish to the scene to eat it. I have just had a revelation, the fact is, most mullet people smell like shit and look like shit and that a mullet haircut is a piece of shit so it just makes sense that a mullet fish would eat shit.

Reality TV

It is amazing to see the absolutely ridiculous things that people will do for money and their 15 ++ minutes of Fame. Now that is not to say that all Reality TV is stupid and mindless. (Are we talking about those who participate or those who view or both?)

If you think about it, the enormity of the popularity of these types of shows it is utterly ridiculous. There are entire Websites totally dedicated to reviewing each episode of every single reality type show that has ever come across the screen or proposed to come across the screen. On one website it lists every single reality show and I counted a total of 605 although my number may be wrong and most of these have been produced since 2000. Wow, tells you a lot about our society. People get entertainment out of watching other people in most cases make total fools of themselves and losing their own self respect for sometimes not much money at all unless they actually win a prize.

You can say that the old TV Game Shows like “What’s My Line” and stuff like that were really the early predecessors of today’s total saturation of television with these types of nonsense shows. Those shows in my eyes were fun, innocent and clean and I really think the pure game show will always have a place on TV.

This all started to explode when the writers went on strike one year and the networks had to come up with some stuff to fill time slots without boring all of us with reruns forever…. So, let’s get some people together and put them in the middle of frickin nowhere on a island to play stupid games and argue with each other, and vote people off until we have one left….. and then let’s give them a bunch of money. Then when they are done with this show, they can get on another show so to keep their 15 minutes of fame running and running and running. That’s right, there are a lot of reality TV Show participant whores, and they just go from one show to another to another. That’s not only with the contest type shows but also what I call the self promoting shows and especially true with C and D list celebrities. (However on a personal note I do love Kathy Griffin- fellow Chicago person and I am not Gay)

Actually, there are all types and kinds of reality shows that are on network and cable channels with some being interesting and others just plain frickin stupid.

Let’s start with what are really close to documentaries in episodes, these I can’t really make fun of because they are the ones I enjoy the most. Shows like Deadliest Catch, Ice Road Truckers. I am cool with those because you actually see a type of life that you would not experience otherwise. I guess they are now trying to differentiate themselves a bit by calling themselves a different genre which is not reality but actuality.

Next on my descending scale of coolness are the shows like Mythbusters, Dirty Jobs, etc.. These are also good in my book because you can actually learn things from these shows although the hosts and co-hosts are somewhat eccentric and stunts can be funny, all in all I do not think they insult the intelligence of the average American as do the others types which will be coming up shortly.

I tried to come up with a name for the next group and all I could come up with were “Self Help Shows”. You know stuff like “The Nanny” where a British accented lady shows us that we do not know how to control or raise our own kids and she has to do it for the people on the show. Personally I would like to see a show called “Nanny” where a hot 20 year old co-ed seduces the husband of the family she is working for. “Oh wait, that is on the movie channels in hotels”

Ok, now we start to get to the good stuff (in my eyes because I can make so much fun of the crap I am going to be writing about next) let’s start off with what I call The Self Promotion Show. You may say “What?” You know what I am talking about, this is a washed up celebrity or family or something like that that decides to have cameras follow them around to see what they do during the course of a day. These are shows like ”The Ashley Simpson Show”, “Being Bobby Brown”, “Tommy Lee Goes to College”, “Hey Paula”, etc. Who really frickin cares? A whole bunch of people evidently. They keep making more and more of this crap. Is this real life for these people of the shows, I seriously doubt it; some of it has to be put on because they are being followed by frickin cameras everywhere they go. I don’t know about you, but when a camera is on me at home or anywhere I tend to ham it up a bit. I normally will give a thumbs up or the finger or something to the camera. Yep, I am 100% sure this is really a chronicle of their real life. . .. NOT... But really who cares what the frick they do, I do not and don’t care to see people who make tons more money than I can ever imagine making crying on TV over the fact that their pet poodle took a crap in their yard as opposed to the place where it is supposed to crap, or that their best friend just made fun of their make-up. Who frickin cares? Yes, I just wait to watch Paula go into a hysteric crying frenzy, or Tommy Lee attempt to go to College. “Yeah right” How much of this is real and how much is a put on? Wait, isn’t Paula on another reality show also, back to my first point about washed up celebrities making a fortune on this type of garbage. But, the public perpetuates this so where there is demand there will be supply.

I am personally feeling real good now because I am just warming up on this whole topic. YEEEE HAAA.

Now we continue on with the stupid “Celebrity Shows”. Yes, you could watch a show with celebrities doing almost anything; dancing, cooking, singing duets, getting fit being moles, rapping. Some of the titles are great and take so much ingenuity. Yes, they all start with Celebrity. It took a genius to figure that out. Every once in a while there might be an A List on the show but most of these are C or D listers who have not been heard about in years. Yes their 15 minutes were up 15 years ago. I guess people have to pay their bills sometimes since most of them squandered their money anyway when they were making it. In looking through some lists the best one was “Celebrity Rehab.” Yep, that’s right we can now watch as some minor star who at one time was a celebrity goes through the DT’s during Rehab and all that. Now sing with me…. “That’s Entertainment”

We all want to see a good contest and it brings out the competitive nature in us. So we are now absolutely infiltrated with Contest Shows. There are contests where you can win money, win a job, win a wife, win a husband and I don’t know what else but there are sure a lot of contests. They either play as individuals or as teams with the ultimate goal of being the last person left. They lie, cheat , steal , betray each other, have fights, have sex, and do whatever it takes to win the ultimate prize of money or whatever. But is that the ultimate prize… NO.. The ultimate prize if that if the people liked them they will be asked to be on more and more shows…. Need I say more than Rob and Amber; like if I really wanted to watch their wedding.

The only reason I have really watched any of the Reality TV shows especially the contest type is to see how hot the women are. Yes it is sexist, but that is me. I want to see how much cleavage I can see on these babes and if they have a nice butt. Then I will root for them to go on to the next week so I can see them again and hope they wear something even more revealing the next week and I can get a nipple glimpse through some sheer fabric. Two good ones to watch if you are looking for cleavage are “Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders” and “Girls Next Door”. I asked my wife what do women look for in the guys on these shows and she said personality. (Then she glanced back at me with a huge smirk on her face)

The most recent trend is the Japanese Style game Show. “I Survived a Japanese Game Show” and “Wipeout”. Yes, I want to see a 400 pound person covered in mud with the crack of their butt showing (or being covered up by a television graphic to make it obvious) on TV. And to think it is on right after dinner. Yes, it is are funny seeing people bounce off big rubber balls into mud or hitting something hard and sliding into the water. Again it shows how desperate some people are to get their 15 minutes no matter how they humiliate themselves.

You know, I can go on and on about all this stuff but it has to end somewhere. So just some random final thoughts:

I was looking through the list of the 605 or so shows and saw one that said” Pantry Raid” this is where they go to someone’s house and make a dinner out of whatever is in their Pantry. I personally think they should have one called Panty Raid which would document the life of college men as they pursue the ultimate Panty Raid in Girls Dorms.

Then I saw it, the music started playing because now I know I had found the ultimate Reality Show as I was glancing through the list.. You got it, the one you just couldn’t miss but got cancelled anyway.

“The Battle of the Network Reality Show Stars”… Need I say more?

About Nothing

No one had written down any suggestions this week so I thought initially that I would be a smart ass and write on nothing. What is nothing; nothing is simply the absence of lack of anything.

So I started to do a bit of research on nothing by looking up nothing on Google. I sat there and I typed nothing into my Google bar. By nothing I mean that I did not type anything and I left it completely blank since as I said above that nothing is the absence or lack of anything. Well I hit my return button and entering nothing into the Google tool bar and do you know what happened. It gave me a page on Google with some basic info saying Google is now 10 and another search box to enter a subject in.

I will get back to that in a second but if you think about it, I got something for nothing although it was not anything much it still was some kind of page that I got for entering nothing into the Google bar. I had always been told that you can’t get something for nothing but I personally have proved that theory to be wrong. Yes that is right for nothing I got a Google Page with some info on it. So this new Google page that said Google is now 10 had another empty space to write your subject into and 2 categories underneath. One said Google Search and the other said “I’m feeling lucky”. I hit the regular Google search with nothing written in the toolbar and the same exact page came back. So this time I did get nothing for nothing. I decided that I was feeling lucky so hit that button after entering nothing in the toolbar and I got back a page that basically told me that what the I’m feeling lucky button can do is to return the first article in the search of whatever I was looking for. But since I was looking for nothing it did give me something back other than the nothing I was looking for. But if you enter nothing again into that page the same page comes back so you again get nothing from nothing.

That reminds me of the Billy Preston song “Nothing from Nothing leaves Nothing”. People have been writing songs and stuff about nothing for years. Metallica wrote “Nothing else Matters”. The Jerry Seinfeld show was a show about nothing.

OK now that I had done the Google experiment, I decided to try Yahoo search. I went to the Yahoo Main Page and again entered nothing. A different page came up with now just an entry slot for a new term. So I entered nothing again and the same page came up. It is coincidence or what that when I entered nothing on both Google and Yahoo that at first something came up and then nothing came up.

OK, what was the point of that whole exercise? Yep, you got it, absolutely nothing. There was No point.

So now, my curiosity is raging and I went back to the Google Home page and actually typed in the letters “nothing” and hit the enter button. There were 750,000,000 results that had something remotely to do with nothing. Now that’s a whole lot of nothing and shows that many people think and write about nothing all the time. At least 750,000,000 times. Now of course things get more irrelevant as we go deeper and deeper into the pages of any web search so I only looked about 3 pages deep before my interest in nothing began to dwindle down to nothing.
I could go through the list of some of the more interesting results on nothing but I will leave that to you the next you have nothing to do.

I am tired of writing about nothing now so I am going to take a rest and do nothing the rest of the day.

Grumbling Stomachs

I was sitting at my computer this morning and all of a sudden my stomach started grumbling. You know what I mean, that kind of churning noise coming from within. That noise that keeps on going and going and going just like the freaking Energizer Bunny.

Where does it come from and why does it happen? I have always been told that you’re hungry because that is your stomach talking to you. But it happens at different and also sometimes the most inopportune times. OK for the most often I will concede that it happens if I am hungry at almost any time. But why does it always seem to happen when you are sitting in the chair at a doctor or the dentist office. This has happened to me on numerous occasions and you just want to get up and hide. But is this an internal noise that we just hear because it is in our bodies or is it a noise like passing gas that everyone can hear. My guess is that everyone hears it and thinks why didn’t this stupid guy eat something today, or what the hell is wrong with him, is his stomach going to explode in my office, better get him the heck out of here fast.

I really think this happens because your body just wants to screw with your mind. It may be that you haven’t eaten yet, but your body says I am going to get back at this SOB for not feeding me and embarrass him in front of the dentist and his hot assistant and everyone within a one mile radius that will be able to hear this. This will teach this dumbass guy to feed me on a regular schedule.

And there are two different types of stomach grumblings, there is the nosiy grumbling when you have to eat as opposed to the churning and grumbling your stomach makes when you have to take a dump. Now I think the dump one is silent and it is just your body’s way of telling you that a bomb is going to go off soon from within your body and you better find a place to sit down fast or else once again it will embarrass you by crapping all over yourself. It still all has to do with food because it makes the noises of stomach grumbling if you feed it and it also churns and grumbles when you possibly have eaten the wrong thing that your body did not like.

Lastly, there is the ultimate embarrassing body noise, yes, you got it, the fart. But I just won’t go there with the description of the loud ripping noises that can echo throughout a crowd or the disgusting smell of the built up toxic gasses within our bodies. Sometimes they are sneak attacks and we did not know one was going to scoot out, and at other times we know one is coming but can’t do anything about it. Men have a much easier time I think with letting one rip in public; especially boys who tend to make a game out of whose can smell the worst. Most of the worst ones I have experienced have been by boys or men. I just do not think women fart in public, they hold them in until they can get to a bathroom because that is the lady like thing to do. Men just do what comes natural and let em rip. I just laugh and think of the campfire scene in Blazing Saddles and all the embarrassing moments that the body has pulled on me. Oh well.

Oops, Guess I briefly went there anyway. Have a great day!!

On Patience by Children

They say patience is a virtue. Then what is impatience? I’ll tell you… it is a pain in the ass. If you have ever ordered anything that will arrive via mail, UPS, Fed-Ex, or Mule Express for a child who knew that you had ordered this you probably know exactly what I mean.
It is 100% coincidental, but I had stopped writing for about ½ hour to do some stuff around the house. Just as I was going to start writing again my son came into my office to ask about something we ordered off of e-bay on Saturday and the conversation went like this.

Son: Did they email you yet? Dad: They sent a confirmation that they received our payment.

Son: Did it ship yet? Dad: Probably not because yesterday was Saturday.

Son: Why not? Dad: They just don’t ship on Saturdays

Son: Will they ship tomorrow? How will they ship? Dad: Probably, and by mail

Son: So when will it get here? Dad: Wednesday or Thursday

Son: Why so long? Dad: Go to bed.

As you all know this is just the beginning because there will be questions every day until it comes about why it hasn’t come yet and pouting because it did not get here by Wednesday because I said it may be here by Wednesday. The UPS driver, Mailperson or Fed-ex driver will be cursed out in 14 year old language because it is their entire fault it is not here yet. And watch out if it does not come by Thursday because there will be temper tantrums all over again.
But why don’t they know how to be patient? The inevitable answer is that we have trained them from early on to be impatient when it comes to getting things. Just think of all the pestering that happens around Christmas when they know there is that gift coming from Santa. Is Santa here yet as they stay up all night in anticipation of the little old fat guy in the red suit bringing them their whatever they wished for on the department stores Santa’s lap. Well, you can open one of Grandma’s gifts tonight and Santa will be here in the morning. So they open that present and still whine for the Santa present.

Think of the other examples; birthday presents, the Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy… blah, blah, blah.

How do we teach them to be patient? I think new have to be deviant and think up of ways that will teach them to wait. Here are a few examples:

Did it ship yet? No, it will not ship until one month from now because they have to make some more.

Why didn’t it come today? Yeah, forgot to tell you the delivery guy called and he accidentally ran over your thing with his truck. They have to reorder and it will be here next week.

Will it deliver tomorrow? Only if the truck driver does not stop at his girlfriends overnight. That would cause him to miss tomorrow delivery.

Take the delivery and hide the merchandise. Then keep giving excuses for a few days until your patience finally runs out with them and you finally give them the thingamajigger that you ordered.

Refuse to order anything ever again!!
Yeah right
Then wait for the next time you do order for it to start all over again.

Thoughts on Dating

Wow, what a topic to be given to write about….Where to even start and how to get into it. My only regret in being asked to write on this is the varied audience that may read this so having to keep it less graphic kind of dilutes how funny this really could be but here I go anyway.
This could take many different avenues and I have not yet decided which path to take. Do I take this on a personal route going through the rigors of dating while growing up as a geek in Chicago, through my college days, young adulthood, adulthood and eventual marriage? If I did it that way there would be several good and somewhat embarrassing stories which dependent upon who was reading this could eventually lead into lawsuits for defamation of character by even mentioning the fact that this person or that person was in any way associated with me in my geekhood or had any type of relationship at all which could be totally demoralizing to their character and possible could end in the total destruction of their current relationship(s). Why would this lead to the destruction of relationships? Well in one of two ways, their current partner could be totally ashamed of the fact of association or on the other hand and most likely that they had dated such an extraordinary human being and they could not live up to my standards and reputation. Well, anyway, enough about me as I have not decided to go in this direction.

What is dating? Well in a sense of definition it is described as any social activity performed as a pair or even a group with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as their partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse... The word refers to the act of agreeing on a time and "date" when a pair can meet and engage in some social activity. (Source Wikipedia)

That is a lot to take in, accessing, suitability, intimacy, engaging activities, eventual marriage, and on and on and on. It all starts at an early age….yes your right and you thought the days of parent arranging dates were over or just reserved for third world countries. Parents begin this activity for their toddler children at very early ages by arranging play dates with other children. This begins the total socialization process which will last the rest of their lives. But what about the lingering effects of the meddling parent by arranging these play dates? What if Suzy does not want to play with Tommy because she prefers to play with Sally because of her innate instinct to gravitate toward girls? Suzy will be even more suppressed as she goes on into the world until she eventually comes out of the closet sometime in her twenties? OK now, enough of my cynicism. But realistically think of the various different types of dating that takes place throughout one’s life and the differences between the types of dates and ages of the participants. Although somewhat overstated it does start with the scenario as listed above.

Teenage Dating: What can we say here but hormones, hormones, hormones? It starts with they like each other but are afraid to talk with the other person and who knows where it eventually ends up. Group dates are the way they mask us into believing it is all innocent. They hang out with the same group and go places but they all like each other, eventually they pair off into their couples. The next step is then double dating… now the group has whittled down to 2 couples and neither will squeal on the other as to what is going on or tell parent anything but we know better because we were teens once too….. I want to get into my details but then again this is read by a variety of age groups so….. Not to give any ideas I must refrain from the good stuff. Next thing you know, they are 16 and the car dates begin. Need I say more except do not listen to any songs by Meatloaf. I guess it is just to be left up to good old condom sense. Oh yes and then we go into Proms…. Need I say more?

Early adulthood: Just regular dating, but remember ourselves and how many dates one can go on in a night. Never, lure yourself into the sense that you are in a committed relationship if the date begins at 7PM and you are home and going out with your buddies by 11:00 PM. She is not at home but out on another date and that is the guy who is getting lucky that night not you. Oh yes, we all have been fooled but how long can that go on. Confront them and you will never get another date, try to get the late date and if there are always excuses move on because as we all know there are way too many opportunities that were squandered than deals that went through. Yes I am just rambling now but what more can I say and really keep it clean.

Blind Dates: We have all been through these where a friend sets you up with a friend they have told you about and then you decide to meet them. Personally I had only a couple of bad blind dates, but the horror stories are there. You basically are there to access the other person and see if there is compatibility. Well, wait that is it for any type of date isn’t it. That is the first date is a get to know you, the second date is more of the same to see if you really get along. The third date the most critical date for a guy that is if we don’t get anywhere here it is out the door and move on the next one. Make this a late date; if it is to be an early date don’t bother at all. Have to remember still young and the drive is always there.

This can go on and on and on…. But remember that the circle of life always will take us back to the beginning and that as we grow older that Senior Dating was supposed to be like the innocent group dates of our early teen years dating for companionship. For those of us reading with elderly parents who are dating again let me end this whole essay with one word which will bring you the ultimate peace of mind. VIAGRA.

14 year old temper tantrums

It all began back in 1994 when I was shopping for a new mattress. I went from store to store to store and could not find anything that felt comfortable. I tried to lay down in the beds but people in the store got pissed because when I was trying them I was always with a girl and you know one thing would lead to another although we never did lose our clothes. Anyway in one store I found that the best bed for me and my shadows was a kind they called a temperpedic. The store that had the temperpedic was out of stock so I kept looking and looking going from store to store to find the exact one that was best and could not effin find any in my city, so then I went from city to city and finally started to get upset . Then my friend Sam told me that his store sold them but they were a club... So I went to this guy Sam’s Club and was told that they did not have a temperpedic but did have a tempered steel tanning bed. I laid down in the bed and did get a great tan. If you hit the side a the tanning bed a certain way it made a hollow sound like a drum......I played and played my home made drum on that tanning bed..... And for 14 years it has be my tempered tandrum.........

What do you want to hear about??

MUSINGS FROM THE MIND OF A MINION.

My writing is inspired by the recent writings of one of my friends. i figured why not start my creative process going once again. A little about my comedic style is that I was formally trained in Improvisation at several training centers in Chicago including Jo Forsberg Players Workshop and The Second City Training Center and have performed in various thetrical projects and Improvisational Comedy Groups but not in a while with the last group be Improvision in Charlotte, NC back in the mid 90's... So the first few may be a bit rusty but I think I still have the old never so no attitude that should make this funny if not hysterical at times. I will try to wing almost any topic and hopefully make it enjoyable. This will be the wirtten version of talk on any topic for 5 minutes...

So here is the format. You tell me what you want me to write about in the comments section of the most recent blog post. Now granted it probably will not make much sense and will most likely be 100% pure BS but I will write something on whatever topics are suggested through your comments on this space. I hopefully will be able to address all and will make it amusing. Let's keep the topics clean and also I prefer not to comment on religion or politics either..... it is amazing what can be funny. Make up a scenarion for a story, give me a topic... whatever...this will be for all's enjoyment. Also feed back will be much appreciated