What a revelation, to be 8 or 10 years old and figure out that you have been the brunt of the jokes about everything that anyone stupid would do. It’s absolutely devastating to learn it is going to take you and 4 friends to change a light bulb when you get old enough to do it! Then you find out that some of the kid’s are public’s and don’t’ have to go to Catholic Schools and wear the stupid little uniforms. No I did not have to wear the skirt since I am a guy but we had to wear shirts and ties and be perfect little gentlemen or else the big bad Nun would kick your butt or hit your hand with the ruler or paddle your ass with a ping pong paddle. Not that anything like that happened to me but I heard about it!
OK so let’s get to the point. Polish families back when I was growing up were normally huge. This is why I cannot really figure how many cousins I have. Ok my dad came from a family of 13. (Bakers Dozen, go figure my grandpa was a baker) My mom came from a family of seven. Now they all had kids and now their kids have had kids and even some of the kids’ kids have had kids. I was not joking in a previous article when I said it could be 500 or so. That is not counting my grandfathers and grandmothers brothers and sisters who had kids and etc… I would probably not recognizer 90% of my cousins if I just saw them on the street.
Most Polish people were devote Catholics which is why we all went to the Catholic Schools and had to wear the funky uniforms. That is also the reason for the huge families, since devote Catholics follow the strict Catholic orders they did not use birth control, but loved to screw. So therefore they just like popped out a kid every year right after the wife was done giving birth to the previous one. This went on and on every year for what seems like forever until they just could not have any anymore.
With so many kids around there were bound to the Weddings, yes the Polish Wedding just one of the many reasons we have thought up of to get drunk. Polish people get drunk whenever we have an occasion to, weddings, funerals, birthday parties, graduation parties. We probably went to some kind of party every week. However, the best ere the Weddings, a good Polish Wedding could last for days. It would start the Friday of the Wedding and go until sometime on Sunday or whenever all the booze ran out. As a kid you would have to watch out for the older Aunts at the Weddings because since there was a band, there were Polka’s. Yes, they would grab you right out of your seat, and say let’s Polka. All of all sudden you are on the dance floor listening and dancing to crap like “She’s’ to fat for me Polka” or” Beer barrel Polka” or the “I’m gonna puke on the floor soon Polka” Well anyway these old Aunts would pretty much just drag you around the dance floor and make sure you learned how to Polka because every good little Polish boy needs to learn how to Polka so he can dance with his Polish Wife at their Polish wedding which would also last for days. So we would go to Wedding and Polka and drink. Back then, it was no issue drinking a beer or something at a young age, you would just go the bar and order for the table and get yourself one too.. Hell, we were Polish and that’s what we did, we drank. Of course it was always in moderation (yeah right).
I could never figure it out, but we always had a party after a funeral, everyone would be somber during church and then we would go to a banquet hall and eat and drink in memory of the deceased. There would always be a toast. But then we would go back to our business of eating and drinking in memory of our lost loved one. I guess maybe since so much time was spent doing that during one’s life that it is the best way to talk about the memories. Well enough of the somberness.
There was always food everywhere, we knew how to eat and did the sausages, and pierogi and sauerkraut and soups and beef and this and that and this and that. Always a celebration. It was so loud at most of the parties on purpose because all the food was so gassy it made you fart. But no one heard the farts because there was so much noise and no one complained about the smell because they were farting too. So we danced and ate and drank and farted all the way through growing up.
Yes. There are a thousand stories I can tell and go on and on about being and growing up Polish. But I’ll wait for another time as the light bulb just went out in my computer room and I have to call the guys so they can turn the ladder.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Irritating Stuff
One of my 500 or so cousins was talking the other day about some lady in her office with high heels on that made load noises whenever she walked around. Was she doing it on purpose? Did she know she was making that noise? Well yes of course she did, people are most often irritating on purpose because they either want to get attention or want to piss you off. Then again, there are those who have no clue they are being irritating because they are just too dumb or self involved to realize that what they are doing effects other people.
I don’t know about you but there is a myriad of stiff that irritates me (and I am not talking about being irritated where you are scratching where people don’t want to see you scratching) It would take forever to go through the entire list of stuff that irritates me and pisses me off about others behavior so I will just go with a couple here. Do you remember the sound of fingernails scratching the blackboard in school or the sound of metal scraping the concrete. Those were irritating sound but not necessarily irritating habits. Gum popping irritates the hell out of me. Just like I would like to have told my cousin to shove the high heels up that lady’s butt, I would like to take the gum from gum poppers and put it in the hair. Yeah now that would be irritating for them to get that gum out of their hair. Call me vindictive but I say and eye for an eye or a tooth for a tooth a heel in the butt and gum in the hair. Now not to get into a battle, my wife occasional forgets this bothers me and pops her gum. I will not put the gum in her hair because she would then kick my ass and I don’t want that to happen.
I think one of the most irritating things that can happen are interruptions when you are doing something no matter what it is that you are doing. You totally lose your concentration and often times your complete train of thought when this happens. Of course many people have said I never have ever had a complete thought in my head and that is so true because people won’t leave me alone and then I forget what my thought was when they ask me what I was doing or thinking about. DUUHHH.
Yes it makes anyone look like a complete dumbass. My answer to this is to turn it completely around on the person who interrupted you to make them look like a dumbass and feel embarrassed. So, the next time you are interrupted by some stupid ass fool who has no regard for the genius of thought that you are currently working on you have to get them back. Now that will all depend upon the situation you are in.
Let’s do a scenario here. Ok you are the boss and are working on a project in your office. Someone comes to the door and interrupts you. Look at them and say, hang on one second I was just working on this memo about your insubordination and I want to complete it before we talk. Ok now, what was that you wanted you stupid ignorant SOB.
Another irritating thing is people who do not let you get a word in edgewise and talk over you even though you started before them. I think you should start talking about the affair you are having with his wife or her husband or whatever to try and catch them off guard. I don’t know, again I am just babbling out loud here. Oh no!! Here is another one. People who babble about nothing and actually don’t know anything or anything about the topic that they are talking about. That is when I just make shit up about their topic and pretend I am an expert just to shut them dumb asses up. Yes I know all about thermo nuclear physical therapy methods and their use in correcting lower back spasms. It is because the thermometer reaches a certain temperature when heated up in the nuclear elements used in the backspectangular that we treat the lower back with. Yeah… see what they say about that one.
Some stuff irritating to one is not irritating to others. So I say let’s all just irritate the hell out of each other as we do everyday anyway, but just don’t put up with that crap. Come up with a way to get back at that irritating person. Remember were Mad as Hell and were not going to take it anymore!!!!
.
I don’t know about you but there is a myriad of stiff that irritates me (and I am not talking about being irritated where you are scratching where people don’t want to see you scratching) It would take forever to go through the entire list of stuff that irritates me and pisses me off about others behavior so I will just go with a couple here. Do you remember the sound of fingernails scratching the blackboard in school or the sound of metal scraping the concrete. Those were irritating sound but not necessarily irritating habits. Gum popping irritates the hell out of me. Just like I would like to have told my cousin to shove the high heels up that lady’s butt, I would like to take the gum from gum poppers and put it in the hair. Yeah now that would be irritating for them to get that gum out of their hair. Call me vindictive but I say and eye for an eye or a tooth for a tooth a heel in the butt and gum in the hair. Now not to get into a battle, my wife occasional forgets this bothers me and pops her gum. I will not put the gum in her hair because she would then kick my ass and I don’t want that to happen.
I think one of the most irritating things that can happen are interruptions when you are doing something no matter what it is that you are doing. You totally lose your concentration and often times your complete train of thought when this happens. Of course many people have said I never have ever had a complete thought in my head and that is so true because people won’t leave me alone and then I forget what my thought was when they ask me what I was doing or thinking about. DUUHHH.
Yes it makes anyone look like a complete dumbass. My answer to this is to turn it completely around on the person who interrupted you to make them look like a dumbass and feel embarrassed. So, the next time you are interrupted by some stupid ass fool who has no regard for the genius of thought that you are currently working on you have to get them back. Now that will all depend upon the situation you are in.
Let’s do a scenario here. Ok you are the boss and are working on a project in your office. Someone comes to the door and interrupts you. Look at them and say, hang on one second I was just working on this memo about your insubordination and I want to complete it before we talk. Ok now, what was that you wanted you stupid ignorant SOB.
Another irritating thing is people who do not let you get a word in edgewise and talk over you even though you started before them. I think you should start talking about the affair you are having with his wife or her husband or whatever to try and catch them off guard. I don’t know, again I am just babbling out loud here. Oh no!! Here is another one. People who babble about nothing and actually don’t know anything or anything about the topic that they are talking about. That is when I just make shit up about their topic and pretend I am an expert just to shut them dumb asses up. Yes I know all about thermo nuclear physical therapy methods and their use in correcting lower back spasms. It is because the thermometer reaches a certain temperature when heated up in the nuclear elements used in the backspectangular that we treat the lower back with. Yeah… see what they say about that one.
Some stuff irritating to one is not irritating to others. So I say let’s all just irritate the hell out of each other as we do everyday anyway, but just don’t put up with that crap. Come up with a way to get back at that irritating person. Remember were Mad as Hell and were not going to take it anymore!!!!
.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Interpreting Teenagers - The Masters of Deception
You know, as adults we run into all types of situations everyday in a variety of circumstances. There is stuff going on at work, at home, on the golf course or wherever you spend a lot of your time. Every situation of job has its’ own terminologies that we have to understand. Like if you are a computer person, you and your coworkers talk in computer geekish terms like megabytes, gigabytes, RAM, this computer bytes, bite my byte and you know where you can RAM that hard drive.
So that’s one situation. Now let’s talk about how to understand teenagers. Yes, they have their own language they talk with their friends which I will not even begin to try and decipher because those terms change on a day to day basis. You know when I was growing up we used terms like cool, neat, you asshole, dickhead. When you liked someone, you were dating or going steady. In those times girls dated boys and boys dated girls. We tried to have one on one dates most of the time and an occasional double date was OK. Now it is different, they hang out in groups and have date nights although they just hang out in groups, watch movies and you never know who is with who because it switches from day to day. Oh the Drama, the gossip, the heartbreak, it’s all still there but just in a different format. I just can’t keep up with the things they say and do when it comes to their friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, etc. so I just go into the other room and drink a full glass of vodka while my wife tries to interpret things and explain stuff to me later.
However, there are some things about teenagers and the things they say and do that I can understand and that is in their communication regarding things around the home. It has taken many years of training to understand, but in the long run I think I got it. ( NOT) Never assume you have it when it comes to these almost adult beings who again I remind you are here to cause us all anguish and anxiety until they leave for college and sometimes even while in school and afterward.
Here are several examples of things they will say and what they really mean.
Dad: Can you bring these clean clothes up to your room. - Teenager: Sure in a few minutes. (It will not get done for a couple more days and more conversations about bringing it upstairs until you finally threaten them with their lives)
Mom: Did you clean your room – Teenager: Yes (Everything is hidden under the bed or in closets, the dirty clothes are mixed with the clean ones that did not go in the drawers and everything will eventually have to be rewashed.)
Mom: Bring down your dirty clothes – Teenager: Sure in a few minutes (They will only bring them down right before it is time to go to bed, they will only bring down 1 pair of pants and 1 shirt and will inform you that this is what they want to wear to school tomorrow)
Before I go into a couple more examples please note that they will use the same answer for different questions. These most common answers are (1) yes and (2) in a few minutes.
Mom: Don’t eat that now, we are having dinner in 1 hour and then you won’t finish dinner. Teenager: But I’m hungry now and I promise I’ll still eat dinner. ( No I won’t really finish dinner but I need to feed the beast now)
Dad: Be home by 9:00 PM Teenager: OK ( I will call at 8:45 and say we are watching a movie and get to stay out until 10:00 or 11:00)
Dad: Did you finish all your homework. Teenager: Yes (Except the ones I did not want to try to do because it is cutting into my Xbox time)
Mom: When are you going to study for your test? Teenager: We reviewed it all in class. (I’m too smart to need to study I know this crap)
The list can go on and on, but you get my drift here. They say one thing but really mean another. They are in training to be the future politicians of the world. I mean, come on double talk has been around forever and that will never change. So it is best to try and understand things from the perspective that whatever is said is not really what is said but to figure out what it all means in a realistic sense.
As I sit here in front of the computer typing away, my mind wanders to the things I have said in the past but meant other things myself. I promise to keep this clean but you can use your imagination as you think of ones on your own. My old classic favorites “One more for the road” or “This is my final final”. Yes two ways of saying the exact same thing which really means “this is in no way my last drink but I’ll pretend it is.” You see as we get older we are more experienced than the teenagers as we have been doing it for so long that we have now come up with multiple ways to say the same thing which means something totally opposite of what we have said.
Our teenagers may think they are the masters of deception, but they don’t realize we have been there, done that and can do it better than them with our eyes closed. Oh yes and I promise I will come straight home after golfing with my buddies next week.(of course after that 2 hour 19th hole)
So that’s one situation. Now let’s talk about how to understand teenagers. Yes, they have their own language they talk with their friends which I will not even begin to try and decipher because those terms change on a day to day basis. You know when I was growing up we used terms like cool, neat, you asshole, dickhead. When you liked someone, you were dating or going steady. In those times girls dated boys and boys dated girls. We tried to have one on one dates most of the time and an occasional double date was OK. Now it is different, they hang out in groups and have date nights although they just hang out in groups, watch movies and you never know who is with who because it switches from day to day. Oh the Drama, the gossip, the heartbreak, it’s all still there but just in a different format. I just can’t keep up with the things they say and do when it comes to their friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, etc. so I just go into the other room and drink a full glass of vodka while my wife tries to interpret things and explain stuff to me later.
However, there are some things about teenagers and the things they say and do that I can understand and that is in their communication regarding things around the home. It has taken many years of training to understand, but in the long run I think I got it. ( NOT) Never assume you have it when it comes to these almost adult beings who again I remind you are here to cause us all anguish and anxiety until they leave for college and sometimes even while in school and afterward.
Here are several examples of things they will say and what they really mean.
Dad: Can you bring these clean clothes up to your room. - Teenager: Sure in a few minutes. (It will not get done for a couple more days and more conversations about bringing it upstairs until you finally threaten them with their lives)
Mom: Did you clean your room – Teenager: Yes (Everything is hidden under the bed or in closets, the dirty clothes are mixed with the clean ones that did not go in the drawers and everything will eventually have to be rewashed.)
Mom: Bring down your dirty clothes – Teenager: Sure in a few minutes (They will only bring them down right before it is time to go to bed, they will only bring down 1 pair of pants and 1 shirt and will inform you that this is what they want to wear to school tomorrow)
Before I go into a couple more examples please note that they will use the same answer for different questions. These most common answers are (1) yes and (2) in a few minutes.
Mom: Don’t eat that now, we are having dinner in 1 hour and then you won’t finish dinner. Teenager: But I’m hungry now and I promise I’ll still eat dinner. ( No I won’t really finish dinner but I need to feed the beast now)
Dad: Be home by 9:00 PM Teenager: OK ( I will call at 8:45 and say we are watching a movie and get to stay out until 10:00 or 11:00)
Dad: Did you finish all your homework. Teenager: Yes (Except the ones I did not want to try to do because it is cutting into my Xbox time)
Mom: When are you going to study for your test? Teenager: We reviewed it all in class. (I’m too smart to need to study I know this crap)
The list can go on and on, but you get my drift here. They say one thing but really mean another. They are in training to be the future politicians of the world. I mean, come on double talk has been around forever and that will never change. So it is best to try and understand things from the perspective that whatever is said is not really what is said but to figure out what it all means in a realistic sense.
As I sit here in front of the computer typing away, my mind wanders to the things I have said in the past but meant other things myself. I promise to keep this clean but you can use your imagination as you think of ones on your own. My old classic favorites “One more for the road” or “This is my final final”. Yes two ways of saying the exact same thing which really means “this is in no way my last drink but I’ll pretend it is.” You see as we get older we are more experienced than the teenagers as we have been doing it for so long that we have now come up with multiple ways to say the same thing which means something totally opposite of what we have said.
Our teenagers may think they are the masters of deception, but they don’t realize we have been there, done that and can do it better than them with our eyes closed. Oh yes and I promise I will come straight home after golfing with my buddies next week.(of course after that 2 hour 19th hole)
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Football Withdrawal
OK now, it’s Sunday afternoon and it’s the middle of February. The Super Bowl is over and it is officially football withdrawal time. You know what I mean. It was bad enough that Saturday football was no longer on because college football ended after the barrage of 5000 meaningless bowl games during the month of December. Not to say this was unwanted because in the mind of a true football fan you can never have enough games on at one time and meaningless games still have some good plays.
What is one to do? Let’s ponder the possibilities. First let’s talk about the stay at home watchers. If you were smart enough you could have DVR’d all the games of your favorite teams and then randomly play them back Sunday by Sunday. Yep, get your case of beer on ice in your cooler right next to you, your snacks, wings, and chili and watch the games all over. It is meaningless but it is still a way to get drunk by yourself on a Sunday afternoon. Who knows you may have been drunk enough initially that you could not remember the game so then it would be all new to you anyway. If you do remember some of the bad plays, you can get geared up for it knowing you are going to say why in the hell did he do that or think of some other expletive to say that you originally did not say. Who cares because no one is listening to you anyway as you slur your expletives on the way to passing out and dreaming of next years season. Now, take it a step further, you could have DVR’d some games that you did not watch because you were watching another game or something like that, then although you most likely know the outcome the game is all new to you and you can cheer on the plays that your friends told you about that you missed the first time.
But we all know Football is a social event, so what about those that went out somewhere to watch games in a crowd. You walk into what was a busy bar 3 weeks ago and it is desolate. No one is there but you and a few other diehard football junkies who are also going through withdrawal. You stare at the basketball game or golf or gymnastics or ice skating that is now on television. You order a beer just to have something to cry in because football is not on anymore. The television just doesn’t look the same, there are no people crushing each other into the ground in mindless hostility.
Then you think, Ice Hockey now that is some violence. The only problem with that is the puck is moving too fast on the screen for you to see or comprehend after drinking six beers. It is all a blur as the bodies’ crash into each other at 100 miles an hour. It just is not the same as eight 300 pound linemen lumbering and crushing into each other with the sounds of the helmets and grunting coming from the field. Oh no, where is my football. What to do???
What about NASCAR, yep there is nothing better to do in my mind than to watch a bunch of millionaire rednecks drive around in circles until something happens and they crash into each other. The spectators are rough and noisy, they like to throw chicken wings down from the nosebleed seats into the rest of the people. Maybe some breast flashing on the infield will help alleviate the withdrawal symptoms of no football. Well that would help but you have to be there and unfortunately they will not show bare breasts on TV, too bad. But being rednecks most of them are probably fat women with droopy ones anyway and I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t do anything for me.
Then there is always basketball and golf, but there is not enough violence there to feed the phantom beast that is a football fan. What to do, what to do?
My suggestion is to just drink enough beer that you have forgotten there in no real football for another 6 months or so until training camp starts or you can always watch Arena Indoor Football, whenever that comes on later this spring. Yeah right, watching Arena Football is like kissing you cousin. Yes, it is football, but it just doesn’t fell right, that is unless you live in West Virginia.
What is one to do? Let’s ponder the possibilities. First let’s talk about the stay at home watchers. If you were smart enough you could have DVR’d all the games of your favorite teams and then randomly play them back Sunday by Sunday. Yep, get your case of beer on ice in your cooler right next to you, your snacks, wings, and chili and watch the games all over. It is meaningless but it is still a way to get drunk by yourself on a Sunday afternoon. Who knows you may have been drunk enough initially that you could not remember the game so then it would be all new to you anyway. If you do remember some of the bad plays, you can get geared up for it knowing you are going to say why in the hell did he do that or think of some other expletive to say that you originally did not say. Who cares because no one is listening to you anyway as you slur your expletives on the way to passing out and dreaming of next years season. Now, take it a step further, you could have DVR’d some games that you did not watch because you were watching another game or something like that, then although you most likely know the outcome the game is all new to you and you can cheer on the plays that your friends told you about that you missed the first time.
But we all know Football is a social event, so what about those that went out somewhere to watch games in a crowd. You walk into what was a busy bar 3 weeks ago and it is desolate. No one is there but you and a few other diehard football junkies who are also going through withdrawal. You stare at the basketball game or golf or gymnastics or ice skating that is now on television. You order a beer just to have something to cry in because football is not on anymore. The television just doesn’t look the same, there are no people crushing each other into the ground in mindless hostility.
Then you think, Ice Hockey now that is some violence. The only problem with that is the puck is moving too fast on the screen for you to see or comprehend after drinking six beers. It is all a blur as the bodies’ crash into each other at 100 miles an hour. It just is not the same as eight 300 pound linemen lumbering and crushing into each other with the sounds of the helmets and grunting coming from the field. Oh no, where is my football. What to do???
What about NASCAR, yep there is nothing better to do in my mind than to watch a bunch of millionaire rednecks drive around in circles until something happens and they crash into each other. The spectators are rough and noisy, they like to throw chicken wings down from the nosebleed seats into the rest of the people. Maybe some breast flashing on the infield will help alleviate the withdrawal symptoms of no football. Well that would help but you have to be there and unfortunately they will not show bare breasts on TV, too bad. But being rednecks most of them are probably fat women with droopy ones anyway and I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t do anything for me.
Then there is always basketball and golf, but there is not enough violence there to feed the phantom beast that is a football fan. What to do, what to do?
My suggestion is to just drink enough beer that you have forgotten there in no real football for another 6 months or so until training camp starts or you can always watch Arena Indoor Football, whenever that comes on later this spring. Yeah right, watching Arena Football is like kissing you cousin. Yes, it is football, but it just doesn’t fell right, that is unless you live in West Virginia.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Shit Happens
I was thinking about what to write on this week and said shit I can’t think of anything. Then the revelation came why not write about shit. Yes Shit Happens.
What is shit? I’m not talking about the excretions that we make every day while sitting down on the throne reading a newspaper, magazine or whatever after just eating and drinking a huge cup of coffee. Although that may be where or how the term originated because you are just going about your business and get that feeling and all of a sudden it happens, that feeling inside or the cramps that says you better get to that throne right away. Ahhh, and then the relief. I can go graphically into this but will not to spare those that don’t like reading or hearing about shit. But then again after thinking about this maybe it is all part of how the expression originated. Often accompanied by a good shit are the sounds of gaseous matter relieving your body otherwise known as farts. Yes farts and shit are the basis of many jokes. Who cannot laugh at the scene in “Blazing Saddles around the camp fire? Yes, that is in my opinion the classic fart scene ever captured on the Silver Screen.
For some reason not known to me the expression “Shit Happens” is used to describe something that happened that there is no other explanation for or one that the person does not want to explain. But it often makes you think whenever it is used as to what really happened to make that person use the expression “Shit Happens” without any further explanation. Since no one likes to talk about shit, when a person uses the phrase “Shit Happens” it immediately stops the conversation about the topic being discussed without any further questions. But I want to go further I want to know what kind of shit happened. Was it a constipated shit, a regular shit or a diarrhea shit that happened? In other words was the occurrence or issue we were talking about to ignore the use of the term a small incident, a large incidence or one that was just completely out of control. Also in this analogy I want to know if there was a lot of arguing in the incidence so in shitty terms I want to know if there were a lot of farts involved to or is it just shit that happened.
You know if you think about it there is a whole bunch of shit going on around us every day. It is in everyone’s lives in one way or another. I bet on average we put up with more shit everyday then we actually produce in the pure physical manner. Or then again you may be one of the people that cause the shit to happen. You could be the instigator; yes you actually could be that triple heat burrito or the MSG in Chinese food that gets the gasses going to make shit happen. The other scenario is you could be the one stirring the shit to make the shit happen. You know getting someone to do something that they normally would not do, but when they do it is one of those things describes as you know “ it Happen” which really meant. “Shit happens. Yeah you stirred the shit to make it happen. Or it could be like the scene it Forest Gump which went like this.
Bumper Sticker Guy: [running after Forrest] Hey man! Hey listen, I was wondering if you might help me. 'Cause I'm in the bumper sticker business and I've been trying to think of a good slogan, and since you've been such a big inspiration to the people around here I thought you might be able to help me jump into - WOAH! Man, you just ran through a big pile of dog shit!
Forrest Gump: It happens.
Bumper Sticker guy: What, shit?
Forrest Gump: Sometimes
See shit happens everywhere even in movies. What is it that makes us use this expression other than the fact that it really does sound cool? You can make up almost any kind of story and stick it in the somewhere kind of like this.
You know I was going down to the store and then you know some guys kind of came by and asked if they could use my gin and the next thing you knew, he was dead. Yeah man “Shit Happens”
What a great excuse. Hey why did you take a baseball bat and bash in my window. Wow it was a mistake ya know, I guess “Shit Happens.”
It is one of those universal sayings kinda like f--- you but without the vulgarness of the f word.
Right now your probably saying to yourself why in the hell did Eddy P decide to write about this and why in the hell am I reading this?
Guess what?? SHIT HAPPENS
What is shit? I’m not talking about the excretions that we make every day while sitting down on the throne reading a newspaper, magazine or whatever after just eating and drinking a huge cup of coffee. Although that may be where or how the term originated because you are just going about your business and get that feeling and all of a sudden it happens, that feeling inside or the cramps that says you better get to that throne right away. Ahhh, and then the relief. I can go graphically into this but will not to spare those that don’t like reading or hearing about shit. But then again after thinking about this maybe it is all part of how the expression originated. Often accompanied by a good shit are the sounds of gaseous matter relieving your body otherwise known as farts. Yes farts and shit are the basis of many jokes. Who cannot laugh at the scene in “Blazing Saddles around the camp fire? Yes, that is in my opinion the classic fart scene ever captured on the Silver Screen.
For some reason not known to me the expression “Shit Happens” is used to describe something that happened that there is no other explanation for or one that the person does not want to explain. But it often makes you think whenever it is used as to what really happened to make that person use the expression “Shit Happens” without any further explanation. Since no one likes to talk about shit, when a person uses the phrase “Shit Happens” it immediately stops the conversation about the topic being discussed without any further questions. But I want to go further I want to know what kind of shit happened. Was it a constipated shit, a regular shit or a diarrhea shit that happened? In other words was the occurrence or issue we were talking about to ignore the use of the term a small incident, a large incidence or one that was just completely out of control. Also in this analogy I want to know if there was a lot of arguing in the incidence so in shitty terms I want to know if there were a lot of farts involved to or is it just shit that happened.
You know if you think about it there is a whole bunch of shit going on around us every day. It is in everyone’s lives in one way or another. I bet on average we put up with more shit everyday then we actually produce in the pure physical manner. Or then again you may be one of the people that cause the shit to happen. You could be the instigator; yes you actually could be that triple heat burrito or the MSG in Chinese food that gets the gasses going to make shit happen. The other scenario is you could be the one stirring the shit to make the shit happen. You know getting someone to do something that they normally would not do, but when they do it is one of those things describes as you know “ it Happen” which really meant. “Shit happens. Yeah you stirred the shit to make it happen. Or it could be like the scene it Forest Gump which went like this.
Bumper Sticker Guy: [running after Forrest] Hey man! Hey listen, I was wondering if you might help me. 'Cause I'm in the bumper sticker business and I've been trying to think of a good slogan, and since you've been such a big inspiration to the people around here I thought you might be able to help me jump into - WOAH! Man, you just ran through a big pile of dog shit!
Forrest Gump: It happens.
Bumper Sticker guy: What, shit?
Forrest Gump: Sometimes
See shit happens everywhere even in movies. What is it that makes us use this expression other than the fact that it really does sound cool? You can make up almost any kind of story and stick it in the somewhere kind of like this.
You know I was going down to the store and then you know some guys kind of came by and asked if they could use my gin and the next thing you knew, he was dead. Yeah man “Shit Happens”
What a great excuse. Hey why did you take a baseball bat and bash in my window. Wow it was a mistake ya know, I guess “Shit Happens.”
It is one of those universal sayings kinda like f--- you but without the vulgarness of the f word.
Right now your probably saying to yourself why in the hell did Eddy P decide to write about this and why in the hell am I reading this?
Guess what?? SHIT HAPPENS
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Fonzies Ponzi
Over the past month we have been infiltrated by stories about the Ponzi scheme which was the brainchild of Bernie Madoff and how he admittedly has scammed people out of a total of $50 Billion dollars. Recent reports say the number may be more like $17 Billion. I personally do not think we will really ever be sure how much money was scammed. Anyway not being real up on this kind of stuff I did not know what this was all about at first. If you know me, sometimes I can be hard of hearing, so at first I thought people were talking about a “Fonzie” scheme and it involved Greg Maddox who was a pitcher for the Atlanta Braves.
So when the suggestion came to write about Maddox ( Oopps Madoff) my twisted little mind started to think of how “Fonzie” would put together a scheme like this with the help of all the rest of his “Happy Days” co-conspirators. If you think about it, the past 30 years or so have been very “Happy Days” for Madoff, which incidentally is about the period of time that Happy Days has been off the air. Think about it over all these years, he was probably just singing his way to the bank.
So what about this “Fonzi” Scheme, do you really think he would have the brains to pull it off or was he just the front man. I personally think it was all Opies’ idea. Ooops I meant Richie Cunnigham . Richie was kind of the ring leader coming up with ideas and his henchmen Ralph Malph and Potsie would kind of just screw things up for him. Potsie is where I got confused, think of it , if Arthur Fonzarelli had been Arther Ponzarelli, then it really could be a Ponzie Scheme. Mr.C was the mouth of the organization because he could sell anything and who would not trust a short little pudgy guy. (And I am not talking about myself here)
They now say that they are finding smaller Ponzie schemes that have been going on around the country. There is one that is much smaller in Boca Raton, Florida in which they say the guy scammed $50,000,000 but now cannot be found. In our Happy Days model this would be called a Chachi Scheme because Chachi was supposed to be a smaller version of Fonzie and the actor that played him, Scott Baio is also nowhere to be found.
The signature calling of Fonzi was the thumbs up signal while he was saying “Aaayyy” , I think Mr. Madoff will be getting more than a thumb up somewhere in prison and his signature calling will be something like. “ Heeeyyy”
Well, in closing and all along with our theme, here is a new song for him to sing on the way to Jail.
PONZI SCHEMES ( To the tune of the opening theme of “Happy Days”)
In case you do not remember the tune,click the link below for the Happy Days Theme Song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6dOJhfrklg
Took Kings’ Money, Ponzi Scheme.
Bacons’ also, Ponzi Scheme.
Speilburg Charities, Ponzi Scheme.
Oh my gosh, what a take
Ripping off all my friends
Those days were all,
Ponzi Schemes (Those Ponzi Schemes)
These days are now,
Fucked up for me. (oh baby)
Goodbye penthouse, hello cell.
There gonna get me, cuz I screwed you.
Felt so right, but it was wrong.
That’s why I wrote this fricking song
(Musical interlude)
Took Kings’ Money, Ponzi Scheme.
Bacons’ also, Ponzi Scheme.
Speilburg Charities, Ponzi Scheme.
Oh my gosh, what a take
Ripping off all my friends
These days are now,
Fucked up for me (No Happy Days)
I’ll no longer be, Happy and Free
These prison days are all for me
These prison days are all for me, Ponzi Schemes
So when the suggestion came to write about Maddox ( Oopps Madoff) my twisted little mind started to think of how “Fonzie” would put together a scheme like this with the help of all the rest of his “Happy Days” co-conspirators. If you think about it, the past 30 years or so have been very “Happy Days” for Madoff, which incidentally is about the period of time that Happy Days has been off the air. Think about it over all these years, he was probably just singing his way to the bank.
So what about this “Fonzi” Scheme, do you really think he would have the brains to pull it off or was he just the front man. I personally think it was all Opies’ idea. Ooops I meant Richie Cunnigham . Richie was kind of the ring leader coming up with ideas and his henchmen Ralph Malph and Potsie would kind of just screw things up for him. Potsie is where I got confused, think of it , if Arthur Fonzarelli had been Arther Ponzarelli, then it really could be a Ponzie Scheme. Mr.C was the mouth of the organization because he could sell anything and who would not trust a short little pudgy guy. (And I am not talking about myself here)
They now say that they are finding smaller Ponzie schemes that have been going on around the country. There is one that is much smaller in Boca Raton, Florida in which they say the guy scammed $50,000,000 but now cannot be found. In our Happy Days model this would be called a Chachi Scheme because Chachi was supposed to be a smaller version of Fonzie and the actor that played him, Scott Baio is also nowhere to be found.
The signature calling of Fonzi was the thumbs up signal while he was saying “Aaayyy” , I think Mr. Madoff will be getting more than a thumb up somewhere in prison and his signature calling will be something like. “ Heeeyyy”
Well, in closing and all along with our theme, here is a new song for him to sing on the way to Jail.
PONZI SCHEMES ( To the tune of the opening theme of “Happy Days”)
In case you do not remember the tune,click the link below for the Happy Days Theme Song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6dOJhfrklg
Took Kings’ Money, Ponzi Scheme.
Bacons’ also, Ponzi Scheme.
Speilburg Charities, Ponzi Scheme.
Oh my gosh, what a take
Ripping off all my friends
Those days were all,
Ponzi Schemes (Those Ponzi Schemes)
These days are now,
Fucked up for me. (oh baby)
Goodbye penthouse, hello cell.
There gonna get me, cuz I screwed you.
Felt so right, but it was wrong.
That’s why I wrote this fricking song
(Musical interlude)
Took Kings’ Money, Ponzi Scheme.
Bacons’ also, Ponzi Scheme.
Speilburg Charities, Ponzi Scheme.
Oh my gosh, what a take
Ripping off all my friends
These days are now,
Fucked up for me (No Happy Days)
I’ll no longer be, Happy and Free
These prison days are all for me
These prison days are all for me, Ponzi Schemes
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Late Night Phone Calls
Did you ever have one of those nights where really all you wanted to do was crash early? So, you get yourself relaxed in whatever way you do it. You know drink a couple cocktails, take a long bath, get a good book and get under the covers early. Poof you are asleep by 10:00 PM. You’re in such a deep sleep off in dreamland about something good. Then all of a sudden….. RING>> RING>> RING>>. It’s the frickin telephone. You open up your blurry eyes and try to focus on the clock but really can’t comprehend what time it is. Look like it is somewhere between 12:00 and 3:00 because it is so blurry. Your mind starts racing who would be calling so late, Oh My God is it an emergency? You pick up the phone and answer it in your extremely tired, pissed off, confused mode of speech. And then you hear…. an extremely drunken voice on the other end of the phone wanting to talk.
We have all gotten these phone calls from a variety of different people (at least I have). They come in different categories and I may not even have all of them. Now before I get into this, I need to write a disclaimer that this is not to bust on any of my drunkass friends who have called me late at night as it happens to everyone and this is a test only a test of the emergency broadcast system.
1) The Ex: That’s right it’s the Ex, drunk out of his or her mind. It could be the Ex boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, one night stand, who knows and who cares. They are drunk and are now making 2:00 AM calls to you. Yes the 2AM slurring confession of love “ I mish you sho mush”. Do you really frickin care? Who the the hell is the person to think that you would even want to talk to their sorry drunk ass at 10:00 PM nonetheless at 2:00 AM in the frickin morning. They want you to let them come over or to meet you somewhere. They have no clue that you just got some earlier that evening from the new person in your life, because to them there could never be a new person. Yes, the alcohol has talked the courage into them to make a complete and total ass of themselves. So after you hang up on the stupid idiot, you go back to bed and dream about getting some again from the person you got some from earlier that night and never think about the drunkass that was on the phone again until the next time the SOB calls.
2) The friends out partying: It’s late and they have all been out since 9PM drinking up a storm. All you here is loud music in the background and they want you to come out because there are a bunch of hot guys or girls wherever they are and think you need to get out more. “Cmon jon’t be a whimp”,” Itsh shearly shtill “. Yep they have lost all sense of reality and think you should be out with them. It just isn’t the same without you they say in their drunken stupor. You kindly tell then to frick off and that you’re tired, they should grow the frick up and understand that normal humans do not party all the time anymore. You then them to fill you in on all the fun tomorrow. You hang up knowing they will be hung over as hell in the morning and you won’t. it’s too bad you don’t have a huge bet against them in a golf match the following morning.
3) The long lost friend: You pick up the phone and you hear, “Hey, Gesh who?” “Whatsha doin lately?” Your friend(s) that you may not have seen or heard from in years have been out drinking and somehow your name has been brought up in conversation. They after they get home or sometimes while they are still out now in the days of cellphones, they decide to call and see how you are doing. You really want to talk but what you really want to do is go through the phone and choke some sense into them that you just don’t call that late, yet you really would like to talk with them but not now. You talk for a few minutes and tell them you’ll call them tomorrow to catch up. So you hang up after listening to them blab and blab for a few minutes. Right after you hang up you realize you do not have their phone number. Oh Well, that’s OK they’ll call next time their drinking and you can get the number then.
4) Lonely Drunk Friends: They are alone after coming home or maybe have been drinking at home all night alone. Their minds have been wandering all over the place and they have completely lost track of any sense of time as they stumble around the house. Their only means of survival is to pick up the phone to call you. They think they are making perfect sense but you cannot understand a single fricking word they are saying. It’s so bad that I can’t even begin to write how the slurring goes when you get one of these calls. You try not to be too pissed at them but hang up as soon as you can get them to stop trying to talk. You hang up and they call you again five minutes later because they have forgotten that they called you already. Sad but true. So you finally turn off your ringer so you can get some sleep. If you want to be an asshole, set your alarm for 6AM and call them up cuz you know they will be feeling like shit that early after passing out into oblivion about 3:00 AM after they realized you were not going to answer anymore.
Yes, we have all received these kind of calls and probably have made some of them too. I know I have never been drunk enough in my life to make any of these types of phone calls. ( LOL). It makes you want to get rid of your home phone and just use your cell because you can turn off a cell but can only just turn off your ringer at home. But who the hell can remember to do that every night. The only solution is to get as drunk as your friends every night so that when one of them calls you can all understand each other because drunken gibberish is best under stood by someone else that is drunk and also talking drunken gibberish.
OK She ya Necst Tyme!!!
We have all gotten these phone calls from a variety of different people (at least I have). They come in different categories and I may not even have all of them. Now before I get into this, I need to write a disclaimer that this is not to bust on any of my drunkass friends who have called me late at night as it happens to everyone and this is a test only a test of the emergency broadcast system.
1) The Ex: That’s right it’s the Ex, drunk out of his or her mind. It could be the Ex boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, one night stand, who knows and who cares. They are drunk and are now making 2:00 AM calls to you. Yes the 2AM slurring confession of love “ I mish you sho mush”. Do you really frickin care? Who the the hell is the person to think that you would even want to talk to their sorry drunk ass at 10:00 PM nonetheless at 2:00 AM in the frickin morning. They want you to let them come over or to meet you somewhere. They have no clue that you just got some earlier that evening from the new person in your life, because to them there could never be a new person. Yes, the alcohol has talked the courage into them to make a complete and total ass of themselves. So after you hang up on the stupid idiot, you go back to bed and dream about getting some again from the person you got some from earlier that night and never think about the drunkass that was on the phone again until the next time the SOB calls.
2) The friends out partying: It’s late and they have all been out since 9PM drinking up a storm. All you here is loud music in the background and they want you to come out because there are a bunch of hot guys or girls wherever they are and think you need to get out more. “Cmon jon’t be a whimp”,” Itsh shearly shtill “. Yep they have lost all sense of reality and think you should be out with them. It just isn’t the same without you they say in their drunken stupor. You kindly tell then to frick off and that you’re tired, they should grow the frick up and understand that normal humans do not party all the time anymore. You then them to fill you in on all the fun tomorrow. You hang up knowing they will be hung over as hell in the morning and you won’t. it’s too bad you don’t have a huge bet against them in a golf match the following morning.
3) The long lost friend: You pick up the phone and you hear, “Hey, Gesh who?” “Whatsha doin lately?” Your friend(s) that you may not have seen or heard from in years have been out drinking and somehow your name has been brought up in conversation. They after they get home or sometimes while they are still out now in the days of cellphones, they decide to call and see how you are doing. You really want to talk but what you really want to do is go through the phone and choke some sense into them that you just don’t call that late, yet you really would like to talk with them but not now. You talk for a few minutes and tell them you’ll call them tomorrow to catch up. So you hang up after listening to them blab and blab for a few minutes. Right after you hang up you realize you do not have their phone number. Oh Well, that’s OK they’ll call next time their drinking and you can get the number then.
4) Lonely Drunk Friends: They are alone after coming home or maybe have been drinking at home all night alone. Their minds have been wandering all over the place and they have completely lost track of any sense of time as they stumble around the house. Their only means of survival is to pick up the phone to call you. They think they are making perfect sense but you cannot understand a single fricking word they are saying. It’s so bad that I can’t even begin to write how the slurring goes when you get one of these calls. You try not to be too pissed at them but hang up as soon as you can get them to stop trying to talk. You hang up and they call you again five minutes later because they have forgotten that they called you already. Sad but true. So you finally turn off your ringer so you can get some sleep. If you want to be an asshole, set your alarm for 6AM and call them up cuz you know they will be feeling like shit that early after passing out into oblivion about 3:00 AM after they realized you were not going to answer anymore.
Yes, we have all received these kind of calls and probably have made some of them too. I know I have never been drunk enough in my life to make any of these types of phone calls. ( LOL). It makes you want to get rid of your home phone and just use your cell because you can turn off a cell but can only just turn off your ringer at home. But who the hell can remember to do that every night. The only solution is to get as drunk as your friends every night so that when one of them calls you can all understand each other because drunken gibberish is best under stood by someone else that is drunk and also talking drunken gibberish.
OK She ya Necst Tyme!!!
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Abductions from Outer Space – Raising a Teenager
It was recently brought to my attention that the abductions from outer space have begun on some of my friends’ children. You know what I mean; they sweep down in their spaceships from the Planet “Stupidia Ignoramus “and abduct our teenage children. It’s not that the children become missing but that they replace them with exact” look a likes”. The only problem is the” look alike” has had everything we taught them sucked out of their brains. All the common sense you thought you taught them is now completely gone.
This typically happens to children between the ages of 13 to 16, but they do not come back sometimes until they reach 18 or so. You can not notice the fact that they are missing immediately as it takes a while for you to realize that this is not your child anymore. Yes, it begins somewhat innocently with the occasional mouth off which you typically would beat the crap out of them for or put them on restrictions, but over time these alien children become immune to these punishments and just don’t care. Then it all begins to snowball, they don’t listen any more, they don’t clean rooms, they mouth off and disrespect any authority figure. Yes, this is just the easy stuff.
As time goes on it just gets worse, these alien kids are now growing into large monster beings and they begin to steal your cars for joy riding, run away from home, skip school and tons of other disturbing behavior As a parent you start to think is this really the child I raised, the answer is NO. This is an alien “Stupidian Ignoramus “who has been sent here to test your resiliency against any type of situation. It is a test by the aliens to see exactly how much bullshit an adult human being can stand before one completely frickin snaps or go into a nervous breakdown because of the “Ignoramus”. This is all a preemptive move as they prepare to attack and rule the earth.
You may wonder how they communicate with the alien child as to what moves to make to drive you crazy. This is done in a variety of methods. The easiest method is through the other “Ignoramus” children here on earth often referred to as their “friends”. These friends pass on the communications they have previously had and put ideas in these “our” aliens’ heads as to how to screw with our heads. They often communicate back to “Stupidia Ignoramus “via their computers and video games. Why do you think they whine so much when their headpiece to XBOX breaks, that is because they are then out of communication with the home planet. They will often shut their doors while this communication is in place and mask their talking by the music coming from “Rock Band”. The last form of communication is with text messaging, normal humans cannot move their fingers as fast as these alien kids on those tiny little keyboards.
In addition to the behavior problems, the “Stupidian Ignoramuses” beings eat you out of house and home, they bring over the other alien beings that have now grown to be over 6 feet tall and eat everything you may have around. Even though you have plenty of food they constantly complain about the fact that there is nothing to eat. These alien friends are often disguised as teammates on your childs’ football team, basketball team or for that manner any sport or activity group. This is an attempt to hit at part of our dwindling finances by making us spend more money on food. Then once you have plenty of food in the house they eat it all in one day with their alien friends and start the complaining all over again. They constantly ask for money to do this or to do that and typically do not want to get a job to help pay for anything but think it is a given right to their existence. Another way they hit our finances is for all the medications “Prozac” we have to buy for ourselves to cope with them.
As you are just about at your wits end after many years of this emotional merry go round ,financial distress and sleepless nights, all of sudden the behavior stops, they start acting responsibly, get jobs, pay for their food, drive their own cars, go to college and become adult like people. This is when you can tell that the aliens have returned your child now to you and are ready to abduct a whole new group of children. Congratulation, you have just raised a teenager and you now have a young adult!!!
This typically happens to children between the ages of 13 to 16, but they do not come back sometimes until they reach 18 or so. You can not notice the fact that they are missing immediately as it takes a while for you to realize that this is not your child anymore. Yes, it begins somewhat innocently with the occasional mouth off which you typically would beat the crap out of them for or put them on restrictions, but over time these alien children become immune to these punishments and just don’t care. Then it all begins to snowball, they don’t listen any more, they don’t clean rooms, they mouth off and disrespect any authority figure. Yes, this is just the easy stuff.
As time goes on it just gets worse, these alien kids are now growing into large monster beings and they begin to steal your cars for joy riding, run away from home, skip school and tons of other disturbing behavior As a parent you start to think is this really the child I raised, the answer is NO. This is an alien “Stupidian Ignoramus “who has been sent here to test your resiliency against any type of situation. It is a test by the aliens to see exactly how much bullshit an adult human being can stand before one completely frickin snaps or go into a nervous breakdown because of the “Ignoramus”. This is all a preemptive move as they prepare to attack and rule the earth.
You may wonder how they communicate with the alien child as to what moves to make to drive you crazy. This is done in a variety of methods. The easiest method is through the other “Ignoramus” children here on earth often referred to as their “friends”. These friends pass on the communications they have previously had and put ideas in these “our” aliens’ heads as to how to screw with our heads. They often communicate back to “Stupidia Ignoramus “via their computers and video games. Why do you think they whine so much when their headpiece to XBOX breaks, that is because they are then out of communication with the home planet. They will often shut their doors while this communication is in place and mask their talking by the music coming from “Rock Band”. The last form of communication is with text messaging, normal humans cannot move their fingers as fast as these alien kids on those tiny little keyboards.
In addition to the behavior problems, the “Stupidian Ignoramuses” beings eat you out of house and home, they bring over the other alien beings that have now grown to be over 6 feet tall and eat everything you may have around. Even though you have plenty of food they constantly complain about the fact that there is nothing to eat. These alien friends are often disguised as teammates on your childs’ football team, basketball team or for that manner any sport or activity group. This is an attempt to hit at part of our dwindling finances by making us spend more money on food. Then once you have plenty of food in the house they eat it all in one day with their alien friends and start the complaining all over again. They constantly ask for money to do this or to do that and typically do not want to get a job to help pay for anything but think it is a given right to their existence. Another way they hit our finances is for all the medications “Prozac” we have to buy for ourselves to cope with them.
As you are just about at your wits end after many years of this emotional merry go round ,financial distress and sleepless nights, all of sudden the behavior stops, they start acting responsibly, get jobs, pay for their food, drive their own cars, go to college and become adult like people. This is when you can tell that the aliens have returned your child now to you and are ready to abduct a whole new group of children. Congratulation, you have just raised a teenager and you now have a young adult!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)