Sunday, January 9, 2011

Oh No! Snow in the South

Oh shit, here we go again with another prediction of snow for the Carolinas. Being from Chicago, I find it hilarious that people get so excited and bent out of shape over a little snow. OK so I guess it is cool for the kids to over react because they get a day out of school even if just one fricking snowflake sticks to the ground in the northern part of the county which is 30 miles away. Yep, if one part of the school district has ice on the roads, than everyone is out for the day. But when there is actually snow I am happy for the kids down here to be able to experience sledding and snowball fights and snowmen because that is fun for kids and also was fun for me as a kid. Yep, we would make snowballs and then let them freeze in the it cold a little bit so they would get nice and hard. Then when the snowball fight started you would use these hard snowballs / ice balls intermittently to nail someone you thought was a real jerk anyway. This would send them running home crying to their mommies and you could have a good fight then with the kids you liked. That was until the kid that you hit with the ice ball would tell his Mom and she would call your Mom and then your ass was grounded. Little dweebs who run home to their Mom’s should not be allowed in snowball fights to begin with.

Now, let’s get back to the HYPE of snow in the south. First, the news channel weather people start getting everyone worked up about 3 to 4 days ahead of time by saying there “could be” a winter event. WTF is a winter event. To me that is like sledding or an ice hockey game outside or Christmas Caroling before the Holiday or an outside winter festival. Those are traditional type Winter Events” . But, it is the Carolinas and most of the rest of the South a Winter Event is a snowfall. I guess they call it an Event because it does not happen too much kinda like seeing the real Easter Bunny would be an event… Hippity Hoppity hop hop hip, who the heck knows, anyway it is an Event. So now, the news media has everyone all hyped up that it is all you fricking hear about. Yes we have run through half of our ice melting equipment for the year because we have and a total of 4” of snow. Give me a fucking break here.

So the hype goes on and it is the lead story for the news forever and ever. What makes this funny is that most of the time the snow does not happen or it is just a light dusting. Regardless, everyone runs out to the grocery store to buy milk and bread. In Chicago when we knew a blizzard was coming we went out to get beer, vodka, whiskey and pretzels, because a good old blizzard when you are actually stranded due to 24” of snow is a great frickin overnight party. Staggering through the streets, walking from bar to bar, doing snow angels and eventually ending up at someone’s house who lived closed to where you were staggering. Also for some reason, the birth rate for some reason peaks about 9 months after a good Chicago blizzard. Yep we knew how to have fun in the snow back home.

Yes milk and bread, bread and milk,that is all everyone frickin talks about over here. So the grocery stores are a an absolute madhouse and everyone is stocking up as if they will be stuck at home for a week, and there is no milk and bread left even before the snow begins and the bread truck will not come out till the Event is over because those drivers don’t want to drive in the snow. It is just a total ”snowball” effect on everything that goes on down here.

So now, let say we actually get snow or ice on the ground. NO ONE drives, the roads are wide open. There have been times I have gone to my office 25 miles from home and people who live a mile away do not show up because it is too dangerous to drive. Give me a break here. Yes, we must be careful and they do not have a lot of snow removal equipment down here, but come on now. I have personally driven through blizzards and ice storms and all kind of shitty weather because that is just what you do when you live up north. No baby ass excuse because there is one frickin inch of snow on the ground.

School gets cancelled if there is any amount of snow which screws up everything if you have younger children in school or even older ones because you have to make sure you are home because the older ones see this as a party and you have to watch out because if given the chance they will party like Chicago people in the snow. Not afraid of it, but taking advantage of everything they can.. Yee Haa snow party at Bubba’s house. Let’s find someone to buy beer invite some girls over and don’t forget the condoms.

There seem to be news reports by the minute as soon as the snow starts. Yes, we have our weather person live on the bridge over the Interstate, then they pan to him watching what flakes are coming down and pathetically trying to make a snowball ball from ¼” of sleet on the ground. Then constant reports about everything and anything related to snow. The school, business and church closings scroll across the bottom of your television screen and never seem to end. Yes, they announce church closing down here in the Bible Belt. That was completely a new one to me, ok whatever. Everything in the area closes with 1” of snow on the ground, so my theory is that people do not go out anywhere because there is no where to go because everything is closed because people are just morons when it comes to driving in this crap. I agree it is dangerous out there, but not because of the snow or snow accumulation, but because you have some morons who have not driven in the snow before trying to drive and just so inept that they cause danger to those that know how to drive in the snow. Yes, there are some real mental geniuses down here. Come on Bubbas let’s drive 50 mile on hour, slam on the brakes and try to do donuts and see if we can still be in control. Yep… dumbasses.

So, what is one to do. When in Rome do as the Romans. So, when I finally get home from work on one of these days, I just sit in my chair and laugh eating my sandwich, drinking a glass of milk and watching the morons on TV. Why would I do that after all this complaining….. because the damn liquor store is closed too.

Friday, December 31, 2010

Crop Dusting Time at Wally World

You have to have been living on another planet or just plain out of touch with reality if you do no know what I am referring to by Wally World. Is it a fun park?? Is it a world of its own?? Is it a place where everyone should be called Wally?? The answers to these are looming in the background, foreground or should be right in your face.

However, before I get into any answers on that, let’s talk about the name Wally. I just personally think that Wally is a silly name. Yes it has history when used as Walter, “Sir Walter Raleigh” is a perfect example and it does sound dignified. But what about “Sir Wally Raleigh” to me it sounds silly and kind of like to should be a kid’s song title. Wally also reminds me somehow of Weebles. Remember, Weebles wobble but they won’t fall down. Wallys wobble but they won’t fall down is just as funny to me. If you ask me, although John Candy did not play a character named Wally, but he did work at Walley World in “Vacation”, he should have been named Wally too because he looks like a Weebly Wally.

Ok now back to our Wally World, and No the answer is not an amusement park because that was just fictional for the movie. But wait… maybe in the real sense of the word it is an amusement park because I am amused at the people who actually visit its name sake which is really a department store / grocery store fun park world all in itself.

Just look at the diversity of people in a Walmart they are from every ethnic background and culture, every socio- economic group, every city (except NY, Chicago) Yeah, that makes sense. Think of the money lost by not having stores n the inner part of those major cities, and I am possibly missing a few more. The inner city would be the perfect place for a frickin WalMart. Weird people and more weird people and weird stories and more weird stories.

Have you ever checked out the website. The pictures and captions are absolutely hilarious as well as some of the stories. It has proven the Walmart is definitely the Mecca of fashion for the redneck world. Look at the pictures on the website… woohoo!!! Laughing my ass off!! Also, if you want to see fat butt cracks like those on your plumber, you came to the right place. Butt Crack City. Hey, maybe that should be the new name. Big butt cracks, small butt cracks, hanging boobies ,cleavage on heavy women who have not bathed in a week. Yep all the stuff that just wants to make you puke.

Wow, what great stuff and stories and pictures about some of the scum of the earth and just weird ass low life’s that visit Walmart on regular occasion. Now, not to say that I or many other normal people ( if you could call me normal) have not been at a Walmart in the past as I admit I have. I normally throw on a baseball hat and large sunglasses so no one recognizes me, but WTF most of the people in there a Frickin Scary.

That is why I propose that we have a day set aside each month to Crop Dust all Walmart Stores. This could either be a simultaneous operation with all stores being dusted at the same time. Or better yet, I think it should be a random times so the enemy does not know what is coming. It could be a dual phased attack with small remote control planes circling the store and dropping substances that would make the creatures retreat back into their holes. The voice would come over the intercom “ ATTENTION WALMART SHOPPERS YOU ARE ABOUT TO BE CROP DUSTED !!! The first phase of the tiny airplanes would begin bobbing and weaving above every aisle. And spraying disinfectant! Then when they are running out of the store, we could have a second wave of real crop dusters flying over the parking lot with flyers dropping from the plane offering free anything. They will then leave the Walmart in search of the free stuff. Once all the scum is eliminated it would then be safe for normal people to once again go in search of their cheap items without having the annoyance or amusement of watching the weirdoes. Then again, what fun would it be to go without the show? Oh, decisions, decisions, decisions.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

A Tide Pen for Everything !!! ???

Ok so I had to ask what a Tide Pen was when I got this suggestion, but did figure it out with a little help from Google. For those of you challenged like me, a Tide Pen is a little pen that you rub on a stain when you get one that takes it out after washing it. Now we will not debate whether or not it really works as some people swear by it and others curse by it.

That’s right there are products that get rid of everything. Tide Pen, Magic Eraser and who can forget Billy Mays pitching Fix-It Pro, Mighty Mend-It and last but not least Oxiclean.

So what if we had a product for everything we screwed up in our lives and “poof” it would magically be back to the way it was before we screwed it up. Or do we really want to fix everything we screwed up because some things are better left unfixed. Kind of like the old movie “Back to the Future”. If some things weren’t messed up then others would not have happened and then everything would be different but would it be different for the better or for the worse.

Ok lets’ say we had a product that took care of all bad past relationships. “ Poof”… it took care of the relationship part but the other person is still as Asshole or Bitch or whatever else they were that caused the bad relationship. Yep it can take the stain out of an ugly shirt, but damn, it is still an ugly shirt. But what the hell not a bad concept.

BUT WAIT !!!!!!

Now Eddy P has an Amazing Offer just for you !!!

Still having problems with that Asshole that the Tide Pen would not fix…., you can still fix the second part of this with the Amazing Asshole Eraser. That’s right for $$$$$$$$ you can get the Amazing Asshole eraser and make sure that the Asshole is no longer around at all. The Asshole Eraser is shipped to you via plane, train or automobile and looks amazingly human. It comes in a variety of Ethnic variations and comes equipped with a multitude of Fantastic Options for dealing with Assholes including a 44 Magnum for the ultimate wipeout, Nunchuckas, the Tanya knee busters for immobilization rather than elimination, and the Elin autographed Flying Golf Club, among other mass weapons of Asshole destruction. That’s right for a mere $$$$$$$ you can eliminate that problem. But wait there’s more. If you order now you get a CD of the complete Guide to Communicating with the Asshole Eraser in Song. That’s right, Songs made to communicate with your Asshole Eraser Completely Free. The songs include the necessary information to program your Asshole Eraser to take care of the problem, and are cute little jingles to sing while you know the problem is being eliminated. Hit Tunes like “Just kill the SOB” , “Wipe that MF off the face of the earth” and the favorite. “Eliminate Him Now”

Disclaimer: Product not warranted against eventual arrest for Murder, Manslaughter or other Criminal Activity.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

It's Fricking Hot !!!!!!

OK so I moved south 20 years ago to get away from the cold and snow and all the bullshit weather up north in Chicago. Yes, the sunny south where you can pretty much golf year around and never really take out a parka or snow shovel or scarf or gloves.. At least I don’t but of course there are some wimps that do, that’s because they do not know the meaning of the word cold.( I don’t need to mention names but you guys know who you are). Wind blowing in your face that your cheeks feel like they are going to be ripped off at any second as you try to cover your mouth from the cold with a scarf only to find out the moisture from your mouth when you last covered it is now frozen in the scarf and that your beard and mustache have little fricking icicles hanging from them (or are those just frozen snots). Some people down here where gloves when it gets below 30. (WIMPS)

Overall I am so glad about my little experiment and move down here. No Cold, No Ice, No Snow, No Frozen Snots. YEA!!!!! But every once in a while you get a year in which it is just so fricking hot!!! I know it has been hot everywhere this year but come on down here where it has been over 90 for what seems like 1000 days in a row. That’s right a fricking 1000 days. OK so I am exaggerating, but it does seem that way. This really screws with my golf game and that is something that just not need screwing with cuz it is bad enough already. It’s hard to hit a ball with sweat running into your eyes, though your shirt, pants, balls, tits…. That’s right sweat is everywhere and all the time if you are outdoors.

During the summer it is a virtual cesspool of sweat. Really, if you drive down the road and you think you are going through a puddle of water… YOUR WRONG… It is a smelly ole puddle of sweat from someone who was dumb enough to run down the road or walk down it or just stand there. Yes, puddles of sweat everywhere…. and this is in Greenville. If you happen to go to Columbia, SC it is even worse. Everyone down here knows that it is the armpit of the South. And not just because it is home to the South Carolina Gamecocks. It is because it is the most awful, hot, humid, gnat infested place in the South. You literally breath in disgusting gnats when you are trying to do anything down there.

Now that you got me talking about USC, everyone thinks that a Gamecock is a bird, but really the mascot of USC is named after how ones cock smells during the summer in Columbia… Yes Gamey !!!! There we have “Gamecock “fans, the real meaning of your mascot is a smelly ole penis during the hot of summer in the South.
Ok now, sorry for the digression but it had to come out eventually. I know many people probably have thought about that in the past… but I had the balls, and not smelly ones to say it!!!!!!

Now that I got that out in the open, lets talk more about this doggone heat. Yeah. We have all heard the “How hot is it jokes” on late night TV. Yep Letterman gets away with it every single year and uses the same old rehashed jokes over and over and over again. Then his old sidekick who is get balder and balder every year laughs at these rethreads like “ I just fried an egg on the sidewalk or was that on your
bald ass head. “How hot is it Jokes” and then the stupid “ Bada dada” drumbeat that goes along with every dumb and corny joke. I know because people say I should walk around with my own tape recorded drumbeat for some of the corny shit I say all the time. I really think it would be funny to try to fry and egg on Paul Schafers head.

If we are going to have to hear jokes about the heat make them good, because I do not want to waste my time on old jokes. I get to crabby in this fricking heat to have a sense of humor. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep , I have no energy I just want to stay inside and blast the air conditioning, at least the first month until the electric bill comes. Then the rest of the summer I just sit at home in myself made pool of sweat with no air conditioning on and hope I do not turn into a USC fan !!!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Conferences – It’s snowing in Orlando

Ok, I admit, not snowing but frickin COLD. How can anyone expect you to enjoy yourself at a conference when it is cold and windy? Oh come on now, we all know that the main reason of any conference we go to is the education and listening to the various speakers, to gather information that can be passed on to others in our companies. In addition we get to network with our customers, potential customers, suppliers and colleagues.

There is some fraction of people who think that all people do at conferences is drink, golf and eat expensive dinners. Let me tell you that most of the people I associate with do not have their first drink till at least noon, especially the past couple of conferences I have been to, because it was too cold during those morning tee times to drink anything but coffee. Besides many people ( of course not me) are too hung-over to even think about drinking till at least noon as their red, squinty eyes closely focus on trying to hit the little white fucking golf ball. So you say, OK what were you doing golfing in the morning anyway if you are supposed to be in the conference? AH HA, that is the morning tee times are for the first day of the conference since you have to be there for afternoon meetings and a cocktail parties in the evening.

Yep, there you go mentioning cocktail parties and drinking, told you that is all you guys do. Wrong, this is called a networking event. You meet people who you already know and network with them about where you want to go to dinner and eat and have more drinks. Then again, you sometimes meet people you have not met before that seem to be fun ( or that you think you can get business from) so you invite them along with the group you networked with before to the dinner to eat and have more drinks or to meet you after you have dinner with the original group you had planned with before. The whole idea is to get as many people together so you can exchange slurred misinformation and bitch about the industry or whatever in general.

Some conferences are tougher to endure than others. I was recently at one in which we had to golf for 3 days straight. Oh I am so sorry you had to endure that pain and suffering of being on the golf course for 3 days. Your damn right Skippy, the first 2 days in Sunny Orlando had us golfing in 40/50 degree temperatures with 40 mile per hour winds. It is very discouraging to hit a golf ball in front of a customer that does not go far because of all the wind in your fricking face. I am convinced that my customers used different golf balls or something because even in the wind they went further than mine. So, you try your best and after a few holes decide the only way to get through this excruciating round is to have a drink and loosen up to forget about how cold you really were.

Sometimes the organizers schedule other events for after the meetings which again are networking events. These are typically at a venue away from the actual conference. Many of these have relatively small indoor venues with extra room on the outside. I know you are thinking, another eating and drinking fest. Well, maybe if you consider that if it is cold during the day on the golf course it is cold as hell freezing over at night trying to drink a drink outside because the limited inside seating has gone too fast because you got there too late because you were out golfing with customers and freezing your ass off already. So you have two choices: Stand up and eat in a little corner, while taking off all clothes you have and still being legal about it because it is hot as hell in the room because there are so many people crammed into a little space or go outside and freeze to get away from the heat and also to find a table to sit at.

You have to regain your sanity and get warm and comfortable someplace, so then a group of colleagues decide let’s go to a club. You now find yourself at place you normally would not go to and on the dance floor doing group dances and pretending to be 20 years younger than you are. After enduring this for a couple of hours you drag yourself back to the hotel barely being able to walk because you frinking shoes were not made for being on a dance floor and your bad ankles were only made to sustain your weight while walking and not doing stuff you did when you were much younger. Needless to say you are one of the first to leave.

Ok now another day of meetings and you notice that somehow the 8 AM early morning sessions are not as full as previous days, but by 10AM the room starts filling up again as the important speakers for the day are not scheduled until late. Hhmmm is this a coincidence? The morning rolls along with the various speakers and for some weird reason the majority of the people in the room are wearing sunglasses. I guess they are just preparing their eyes for another bright and sunny Florida day on the golf course. So, when’s the next conference?????

Thursday, February 25, 2010

I Can Walk and Fart and Not Break Stride (Dedicated to Uncle Moe)

Yep, that’s about it. Who care’s how old we are getting, if we can still accomplish our goals, then we are not yet ready to kick the bucket or call ourselves old. It takes years of practice to accomplish the above stated goal. I mean just think about it, when we were babies we farted and crapped our pants and really did not think about it cuz we really couldn't think yet, it was a natural reaction. Maybe it was the smell we were looking to accomplish for attention, but if we couldn't think yet then it was not intentional, but just meant to be . As we got a little older like 8,9,10 and early teens it was just farts… yes farts anywhere and everywhere. The louder and more smelly they were the more we laughed at ourselves or at the ones who were taking the brunt of our home made smelliness. “ Come on Pull my finger”…RIP ONE LOUD ONE hahahahahaha.

I mean let’s get serious here, boys were taught that one by our dads and uncles and older brothers. It was also an attempt to piss off our mothers and sisters who would just say “That’s disgusting” and “Stop It” or “What the fuck is that smell” It was and still is the way that men can amuse ourselves. Yes, farting when younger was all about learning how to get on one’s nerves. Now, as to how women learned how to get on men’s nerves, I digress to the above and it was just meant to be, inherent in their genes. Most women are sneaky when it comes to farts, they have also learned that over time, they are the queens of the SBD’s , yep blaming the dog and stuff like that.

Ok so once again I find myself off topic which is not unusual … Ok so getting older men learn not to fart as much and as loud on purpose anymore because it is disgusting as hammered into our heads by our mothers, sisters and wife’s. But we still get out the occasional SBD ( in which we have learned that technique from ???) But as Uncle Moe said, “I can walk and fart and not break stride”. Yes that is only an accomplishments one can do as they get older. It took Uncle Moe 50 years to finally reach that stage, it takes talent and conditioning and many years of practice and experience to reach this level. So my overall premise in everything is that we are not get older, but to use the old cliché “Just getting better”

So yes, this was a disgusting and tasteless example of us not really aging yet, we are still in control of many things that are around us and our bodily functions at least. And when you are really getting old and not just thinking about it you will know. We are told we will revert back to old habits and sometimes like we were a child again, farting and crapping our pants. But of course that “Depends” upon you.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

15 Year Old Drivers

It is amazing to me how many expert drivers there are at here at the age of 15, although this happens with little or no experience at all. Now, we may have let them drive around the block a few times or in the subdivision or maybe down that lonely country road that no one uses much, but turning 15 presents a unique phenomena. Now, we know every state has their own laws on age, but you will get my point, no matter what that age is, the behavior is all the same.

Somewhere around the 15th birthday the hype starts with getting a drivers permit. So, on their 15th birthday you have to be at the DMV bright and early before it opens so you can be the first in line because that’s what you have to do cuz that’s what all their friends did. Surprised they don’t want to camp overnight like for concert tickets or something like that. I think mine would have had he thought about asking about it, of course I would have said hell no.

Ok now, the permit is in hand and the voice starts and never stops whenever you are getting ready to go anywhere. Dad, can I drive? Dad, can I drive? Dad, can I drive? And far be it for you to say No…. The whining starts and again does not stop. “Why can’t I drive there, I have my permit?” They have learned intimidation through repetitiveness. It’s kind of like when they were younger and would watch the same movie over and over and over. I think I must know every line and every song to “The Lion King” You try to give them a sound reason why they cannot drive this particular trip and you hear. “Why can’t I drive there, I have my permit?” Somewhere in this time frame they have taken a driver’s education class through school or a private company and they ARE the experts at handling any type of driving situation.

You are now strapped in the passenger’s side of the car which in itself is a scary feeling if you are the one used to doing all the driving. You look for the extra seat belt to strap yourself in double but realize there is only one and you do not want to insult your child by putting on a football helmet just in case. You go into the situation knowing that any constructive criticism you have can just tossed out the frickin window because they do no wrong and your words go in one ear and out the other.

After time, you get used to the situation and soon the badgering starts about cars and this friend and that friend and they just got a brand new car and why can’t we get one and why can’t we get one right now. Trying to be practical is totally out of the frickin question, because practical and 15 just do not correlate. You finally decide to bite the bullet and get a used car for the kid. The fun and internal negotiations start, looking at web sites and cars and small cars and big cars and this pickup truck and that pickup truck and this does not have that and that does not have this and on and on and on and on. You write the check finally for what you believe is the best vehicle based on your losing the negotiations with your child. Children are the best negotiators because they just do not take NO for an answer, at least till you beat the crap out of them, but mine is bigger than me now so he would beat the crap out of me.

So now there is a car but no official license yet, so know you are being chauffeured in their car in which you own. Yea, that makes sense. Finally the day of the driver’s test comes and they have you up as early as a Christmas morning to be first in line at the DMV. School? Who cares about school when it is driver’s license day? Kind of like.. “Badges?. We don’t need no stinkin badges." Some pass first time, some fail and have to wait that week to go back… Man, I feel for those parents.

So, you are now the parent of an official teenage driver. What a rush of mixed emotions and feelings, you should be excited for your child but you really want to puke because your gut is all wrapped up the first time they drive away by themselves to go wherever. However, it took me a few time of going through this to find the solution to the anxiety…… VODKA!!!!!