It is amazing to me how many expert drivers there are at here at the age of 15, although this happens with little or no experience at all. Now, we may have let them drive around the block a few times or in the subdivision or maybe down that lonely country road that no one uses much, but turning 15 presents a unique phenomena. Now, we know every state has their own laws on age, but you will get my point, no matter what that age is, the behavior is all the same.
Somewhere around the 15th birthday the hype starts with getting a drivers permit. So, on their 15th birthday you have to be at the DMV bright and early before it opens so you can be the first in line because that’s what you have to do cuz that’s what all their friends did. Surprised they don’t want to camp overnight like for concert tickets or something like that. I think mine would have had he thought about asking about it, of course I would have said hell no.
Ok now, the permit is in hand and the voice starts and never stops whenever you are getting ready to go anywhere. Dad, can I drive? Dad, can I drive? Dad, can I drive? And far be it for you to say No…. The whining starts and again does not stop. “Why can’t I drive there, I have my permit?” They have learned intimidation through repetitiveness. It’s kind of like when they were younger and would watch the same movie over and over and over. I think I must know every line and every song to “The Lion King” You try to give them a sound reason why they cannot drive this particular trip and you hear. “Why can’t I drive there, I have my permit?” Somewhere in this time frame they have taken a driver’s education class through school or a private company and they ARE the experts at handling any type of driving situation.
You are now strapped in the passenger’s side of the car which in itself is a scary feeling if you are the one used to doing all the driving. You look for the extra seat belt to strap yourself in double but realize there is only one and you do not want to insult your child by putting on a football helmet just in case. You go into the situation knowing that any constructive criticism you have can just tossed out the frickin window because they do no wrong and your words go in one ear and out the other.
After time, you get used to the situation and soon the badgering starts about cars and this friend and that friend and they just got a brand new car and why can’t we get one and why can’t we get one right now. Trying to be practical is totally out of the frickin question, because practical and 15 just do not correlate. You finally decide to bite the bullet and get a used car for the kid. The fun and internal negotiations start, looking at web sites and cars and small cars and big cars and this pickup truck and that pickup truck and this does not have that and that does not have this and on and on and on and on. You write the check finally for what you believe is the best vehicle based on your losing the negotiations with your child. Children are the best negotiators because they just do not take NO for an answer, at least till you beat the crap out of them, but mine is bigger than me now so he would beat the crap out of me.
So now there is a car but no official license yet, so know you are being chauffeured in their car in which you own. Yea, that makes sense. Finally the day of the driver’s test comes and they have you up as early as a Christmas morning to be first in line at the DMV. School? Who cares about school when it is driver’s license day? Kind of like.. “Badges?. We don’t need no stinkin badges." Some pass first time, some fail and have to wait that week to go back… Man, I feel for those parents.
So, you are now the parent of an official teenage driver. What a rush of mixed emotions and feelings, you should be excited for your child but you really want to puke because your gut is all wrapped up the first time they drive away by themselves to go wherever. However, it took me a few time of going through this to find the solution to the anxiety…… VODKA!!!!!
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
Cell Phones, Texting and Bicycles
Just when you think you have heard it all about the stupid things people do to stay in touch with their friends via texting and emails and all types of mobile communications you hear something that makes you say… WHAT???
Needless to say enough has been written about the dangers of talking on a phone while you are driving, the lack of attention given to the actual traffic or the speed at which you are driving. I must admit I have experienced this myself. I tend to get too involved in some conversations, all of a sudden you look at the speedometer and you are either going 90 if it was something that excited you in the conversation or you would go real slow sometimes actually trying to think about the conversation. I’m glad that I never tried to have phone sex with anyone while driving I can’t bear to think of how fast I would have been driving then. You would definitely have to be using the speaker phone or a blue tooth so to have at least one hand to drive with. I guess the calming thing about if I would have had phone sex in the car is it would have only lasted a minute or so.
Ok so talking on the phone is one thing, but how about texting and emails. We try to drive and look at the road while at the same time reading a message and then manipulating our fingers on that tiny keyboard to answer an important question or just to BS with a friend. WOW… so much more dangerous than just talking. Now we are actually doing something which takes a part of our brain away from what we are supposed to be doing, and if you don’t’ have much of a brain to begin with it is really taking it to the edge. I mean talking on the phone is almost like talking to the person next to you in the car. The most dangerous part of talking on the cell phone besides getting excited and stuff is typing the fricking phone number on that tiny keyboard. But yes, now let’s just text our way through the whole trip and not look at the road while we are doing it. I know I am just going on a bit of a rant here but come on people. Yes I am somewhat guilty here too, but mostly I just read the messages and then answer later or just call the damn person instead.
Enough said about the regular everyday cell phone or text messaging while driving. Here is the one that got me to say WHAT. Yes, text messaging while riding a bicycle. How the hell do you do that one and how stupid do you have to be to try? I guess you would steer the bike one handed or ride with no hands like we did when we were kids trying to show off in front of the little girls, while holding the phone and texting with the other hand. Now admit it, that does take some skill. Wow, I can just see smashing into all kind of stuff if I were doing that. I would be driving crooked and out of the bike lane if there was one. Not braking on time and smashing into the back of cars. It takes some balls to pull that one off at all. Maybe they should design a bike with an extended metal piece coming up from one side of the handle and a place on it to put your cell phone so you can text that way. I guess it takes some balls to even think about texting and riding a bike, so I think lets name this new bicycle” Textcycle”. Perfect name since only dickheads would be riding one anyway!
Needless to say enough has been written about the dangers of talking on a phone while you are driving, the lack of attention given to the actual traffic or the speed at which you are driving. I must admit I have experienced this myself. I tend to get too involved in some conversations, all of a sudden you look at the speedometer and you are either going 90 if it was something that excited you in the conversation or you would go real slow sometimes actually trying to think about the conversation. I’m glad that I never tried to have phone sex with anyone while driving I can’t bear to think of how fast I would have been driving then. You would definitely have to be using the speaker phone or a blue tooth so to have at least one hand to drive with. I guess the calming thing about if I would have had phone sex in the car is it would have only lasted a minute or so.
Ok so talking on the phone is one thing, but how about texting and emails. We try to drive and look at the road while at the same time reading a message and then manipulating our fingers on that tiny keyboard to answer an important question or just to BS with a friend. WOW… so much more dangerous than just talking. Now we are actually doing something which takes a part of our brain away from what we are supposed to be doing, and if you don’t’ have much of a brain to begin with it is really taking it to the edge. I mean talking on the phone is almost like talking to the person next to you in the car. The most dangerous part of talking on the cell phone besides getting excited and stuff is typing the fricking phone number on that tiny keyboard. But yes, now let’s just text our way through the whole trip and not look at the road while we are doing it. I know I am just going on a bit of a rant here but come on people. Yes I am somewhat guilty here too, but mostly I just read the messages and then answer later or just call the damn person instead.
Enough said about the regular everyday cell phone or text messaging while driving. Here is the one that got me to say WHAT. Yes, text messaging while riding a bicycle. How the hell do you do that one and how stupid do you have to be to try? I guess you would steer the bike one handed or ride with no hands like we did when we were kids trying to show off in front of the little girls, while holding the phone and texting with the other hand. Now admit it, that does take some skill. Wow, I can just see smashing into all kind of stuff if I were doing that. I would be driving crooked and out of the bike lane if there was one. Not braking on time and smashing into the back of cars. It takes some balls to pull that one off at all. Maybe they should design a bike with an extended metal piece coming up from one side of the handle and a place on it to put your cell phone so you can text that way. I guess it takes some balls to even think about texting and riding a bike, so I think lets name this new bicycle” Textcycle”. Perfect name since only dickheads would be riding one anyway!
Doomy and Gloomy People
I hate doom and gloom people. Why are they that way? Man, I think they are just a bunch of neglected people and by being doomy and gloomy they get attention from others wondering what the frick is their problem. Reminds me of that old story “Chicken Little” and the sky is falling, the skt is falling. Not to be confused with Tattoo from Fantasy Island saying “De Plane De Plane”. Doomy and Gloomy people like to start controversy by bringing up such doomy and gloomy opinions on life, the world, the economy, the recession, the crack in their ass is too big, their penises are too small, they hate the sun, they hate the clouds , they hate the winter, they hate the summer.
Well, I frickin hate them too. If I wanted to hear nothing but doom and gloom all I really have to do is put on the news. Yes news people I think are naturally doomy and gloomy. It is a requirement of them getting their jobs. They put on their big smiles and all the crap. But they have to make any little problem in the world bigger than life and sensationalize it. Yes, probably this is from the writers and it gets ratings and attention which lead to more advertisers and more money for the televisions or radio station or the syndicated doom and gloom guy who is selling his BS stories to radio stations across the country because most people love to hear gloom and doom
Remember the sentiment earlier this year; it went something like this every night on the evening news. The world is going to end because the recession is never going to stop because people do not want to buy cars from bankrupt companies because they will never ever be able to get them serviced again and there will be no parts available to fix the cars with, and gas prices will be so high that no one can afford to drive and we will all be peddling our bicycles to work if there are even any jobs left to go to because all the manufacturing is leaving to be built in Yugoslavia.. blah blah blah…. Yes, like I believe all the crap. But the sad part is that many people will believe any line of crap that they here on television because all television people are Gods and they know it all.
I believe we have become a nation that thrives on the negative news we here and then because so many people talk about the negative, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I think leaders in our communities, the press and other politicians should have a positive attitude toward life and the situations we find ourselves in. I mean, come on now, the media is the master of the “spin anyway so why not spend some time being creative and put a positive spin on all the negative crap that does go on. Who knows if people start talking positively, then maybe that could become a self fulfilling prophecy also and then sings would all be better and we can have a Pollyanna world once again in which everything is good once again.
Ok so that would not be perfect either, but it would definitely be better than the constant negativism coming out of our media and politicians all the time.
I think the solution to the problem for these people is that we just have to surgically remove the shoe that has been jammed up their asses which makes them unhappy and their need to spread this unhappiness with the world. I guess if I had a shoe jammed up my ass I would be extremely unhappy also. So, Ok… Here ya go… what they really need to do is get that shoe out of their ass and just get fricking laid more often. I know getting laid always puts me in a better mood…………at least until I fall asleep… which you know if I think about it… Is a much better way to fall asleep than to do so just watching the news.
Well, I frickin hate them too. If I wanted to hear nothing but doom and gloom all I really have to do is put on the news. Yes news people I think are naturally doomy and gloomy. It is a requirement of them getting their jobs. They put on their big smiles and all the crap. But they have to make any little problem in the world bigger than life and sensationalize it. Yes, probably this is from the writers and it gets ratings and attention which lead to more advertisers and more money for the televisions or radio station or the syndicated doom and gloom guy who is selling his BS stories to radio stations across the country because most people love to hear gloom and doom
Remember the sentiment earlier this year; it went something like this every night on the evening news. The world is going to end because the recession is never going to stop because people do not want to buy cars from bankrupt companies because they will never ever be able to get them serviced again and there will be no parts available to fix the cars with, and gas prices will be so high that no one can afford to drive and we will all be peddling our bicycles to work if there are even any jobs left to go to because all the manufacturing is leaving to be built in Yugoslavia.. blah blah blah…. Yes, like I believe all the crap. But the sad part is that many people will believe any line of crap that they here on television because all television people are Gods and they know it all.
I believe we have become a nation that thrives on the negative news we here and then because so many people talk about the negative, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I think leaders in our communities, the press and other politicians should have a positive attitude toward life and the situations we find ourselves in. I mean, come on now, the media is the master of the “spin anyway so why not spend some time being creative and put a positive spin on all the negative crap that does go on. Who knows if people start talking positively, then maybe that could become a self fulfilling prophecy also and then sings would all be better and we can have a Pollyanna world once again in which everything is good once again.
Ok so that would not be perfect either, but it would definitely be better than the constant negativism coming out of our media and politicians all the time.
I think the solution to the problem for these people is that we just have to surgically remove the shoe that has been jammed up their asses which makes them unhappy and their need to spread this unhappiness with the world. I guess if I had a shoe jammed up my ass I would be extremely unhappy also. So, Ok… Here ya go… what they really need to do is get that shoe out of their ass and just get fricking laid more often. I know getting laid always puts me in a better mood…………at least until I fall asleep… which you know if I think about it… Is a much better way to fall asleep than to do so just watching the news.
The Olympic Decision
What about that decision on the Olympics. Well as we all know Chicago lost this one big time. But what else is new for Chicagoans, I mean they are used to losing almost everything all the time anyway.Yes, they had the Super Bowl way back in the 1986 and the Bulls won an amazing 6 Championships in the 90’s and lastly the White Sox won the World Series in 2005. But look at the percentages if you consider the major franchises Bulls, Cubs, White Sox, Bears, Blackhawks. So in the last 25 years there have been 125 Championships that would have been available to Chicago Teams and they have one 8. This gives a winning percentage of 6.4%. We all know if we go back further in time this percentage just keeps shrinking and shrinking, just the anti thesis of the energizer bunny the keeps going and going.. yes Chicago Teams just also keep going and going and losing and losing.
So is it really a surprise that Chicago lost its attempt to get the Olympics. It was in typical Chicago fashion and flair that everyone got all hyped up about nothing. So you had the choice of Tokyo, Chicago, Madrid and Rio. Who the frick really cares that Oprah goes to Copenhagen with Mrs. Obama as the final push. Every time I hear Oprahs’ name I think of her production company name which is Harpo and then I think of the Marx Brothers and Harpo Marx who were great comedians and it is ironic that it is a joke that everyone hails and bows down to Queen Oprah. Yes she is the know all and do all and everyone in the world is supposed to listen to her because she can part the waters of the Nile River. Yes, Oprah can solve the world’s problems and get Chicago the Olympics at the same time. Nope, not this time.
Who is really to blame for this, well the press has it that the Asian Nations ganged up and decided to get Chicago out in the first round. Other reports say that the IOC was insulted that Mr. Obama felt that only 3 hours of his precious valuable time were spent in the last ditch effort to try and rally support for Chicago. Just like all of our sports teams, we thought we had it in the bag like in the last Super Bowl and instead of that missed touchdown pass by Rex Grossman we got the 3 hour drill by Obama.
Think of the reality of Chicago hosting the Olympics, in many ways I think the cultural diversity of Chicago and the melting pot of ethnic neighborhoods would have been a great sell if they actually used that in their marketing of the city, but who knows what they did unless you are Oprah and privy to all that info. I think they should have used the Chicago Hot Dog as a selling point. Where else in the world can you get the best hot dog. You know the juicy Vienna Hot Dogs on poppy seed buns with mustard, glow in the dark green relish, sport peppers, onions, tomatoes, pickles and celery salt.. MMMM… the world is really missing out on those. Yes, the food…. Who cares about the sports but the food would have been great for the world to experience. Much better than the damn sushi you would have gotten in Tokyo or the Paella in Spain… But then again there are the beaches of Rio. As a sports fan which are typically males, would you rather have the chance to eat world class food or go to the beaches of Rio.
Yes… Rio Wins !!!!
So is it really a surprise that Chicago lost its attempt to get the Olympics. It was in typical Chicago fashion and flair that everyone got all hyped up about nothing. So you had the choice of Tokyo, Chicago, Madrid and Rio. Who the frick really cares that Oprah goes to Copenhagen with Mrs. Obama as the final push. Every time I hear Oprahs’ name I think of her production company name which is Harpo and then I think of the Marx Brothers and Harpo Marx who were great comedians and it is ironic that it is a joke that everyone hails and bows down to Queen Oprah. Yes she is the know all and do all and everyone in the world is supposed to listen to her because she can part the waters of the Nile River. Yes, Oprah can solve the world’s problems and get Chicago the Olympics at the same time. Nope, not this time.
Who is really to blame for this, well the press has it that the Asian Nations ganged up and decided to get Chicago out in the first round. Other reports say that the IOC was insulted that Mr. Obama felt that only 3 hours of his precious valuable time were spent in the last ditch effort to try and rally support for Chicago. Just like all of our sports teams, we thought we had it in the bag like in the last Super Bowl and instead of that missed touchdown pass by Rex Grossman we got the 3 hour drill by Obama.
Think of the reality of Chicago hosting the Olympics, in many ways I think the cultural diversity of Chicago and the melting pot of ethnic neighborhoods would have been a great sell if they actually used that in their marketing of the city, but who knows what they did unless you are Oprah and privy to all that info. I think they should have used the Chicago Hot Dog as a selling point. Where else in the world can you get the best hot dog. You know the juicy Vienna Hot Dogs on poppy seed buns with mustard, glow in the dark green relish, sport peppers, onions, tomatoes, pickles and celery salt.. MMMM… the world is really missing out on those. Yes, the food…. Who cares about the sports but the food would have been great for the world to experience. Much better than the damn sushi you would have gotten in Tokyo or the Paella in Spain… But then again there are the beaches of Rio. As a sports fan which are typically males, would you rather have the chance to eat world class food or go to the beaches of Rio.
Yes… Rio Wins !!!!
Water Ski Jumping Raccoon Zombies
It was a hot summer night and the raccoons were restless. They had been sleeping most of the day and were getting ready for their nightly run though the neighborhood garbage cans to see what the locals had thrown out after dinner. Joshie the leader of the raccoons was the first to tip over a garbage can. He rummaged through the stuff looking for that perfect morsel to chew on. Upon tipping over his 10th garbage can of the night he found what
looked like to be a perfectly good piece of steak. He took the steak and scurried off and hid under a boat dock near the house where he had tipped the can. He anxiously devoured the steak and took a nap under the dock.
Upon waking up he noticed that his friends Stevie, Crew, Ajay were also asleep and there were more scraps of the steak all around. He kind of woke up in a daze and his eyes were extremely red. It looked weird with the black under his glazy red eyes. As the others woke they had red eyes too. They quickly devoured the rest of the scraps of steak.
It was now about 3AM and the group started off on their next food run. However, they all did not feel well, they were confused and kept bumping into things but continued on. Their vision was blurred and they ended up near the edge of the river. There was an uneasy feeling around the entire group. In the distance they saw a shadow and uncharacteristically slowly approached the figure which was a fisherman getting his gear ready for an early morning fishing trip.
All of a sudden Joshie rushed the fisherman and the rest of the pack followed. They attacked the poor man until he laid lifeless on the deck of his boat. They then devoured his body until there was nothing but bones left. What had happened?? They were no longer afraid of the humans. They went on without their usual sleep and attacked 4 more humans during the course of the day. They were in a hypnotic state and could not get enough human meat. They had become a pack of Raccoon Zombies wandering through the town looking for their next victims.
The word spread and the people near town were now arming themselves against the Raccoons, they were shooting guns at them but it did not work, it was as if they developed super human powers from eating the flesh of the humans. They rummaged the town eating and killing everything in sight and the seemed to be no end to this total destruction.
On the second night after turning into Zombies they found a boat and hotwired the ignition. The Raccoons had decided to go on a joyride. They took the boat up and down the river hitting boat ramps made for the water skiing show and flying the boat through the air. Now they were just getting daring as they found skis in the back of the boat. They decided to each take turns and were now waterskiing through the river at out of control speeds. Ajay took a ramp and did a triple summersault while in the air. He hit the dock hard head first and was now lifeless. The others did not care and it was now Crews’ turn. Joshie was driving the boat and decided to do 360’s while Crew was on the skis… the ski rope got tied up in Crews neck and he was strangled. Joshie thought who cares and was now even more out of control. Yes… More food for me, I do not have to share eating the humans any more were the thoughts racing through his head. Stevie realized that Joshie was out of control and found a golf club in the back of the boat. He attacked Joshie with it while the boat was running out of control at over 120 miles per hour. In the midst of the fight the boat rammed into the deck and erupted into a huge ball of flame.
Both of the remaining Raccoons crawled out of the boat and were dazed again. The red was out of their eyes and they were not sure of what had happened. Neither one said anything to the other as they scampered through the woods for days and nights. They finally settled and found a golf course far away from the town they were in to hide in. They were last seen chasing balls through the woods.
looked like to be a perfectly good piece of steak. He took the steak and scurried off and hid under a boat dock near the house where he had tipped the can. He anxiously devoured the steak and took a nap under the dock.
Upon waking up he noticed that his friends Stevie, Crew, Ajay were also asleep and there were more scraps of the steak all around. He kind of woke up in a daze and his eyes were extremely red. It looked weird with the black under his glazy red eyes. As the others woke they had red eyes too. They quickly devoured the rest of the scraps of steak.
It was now about 3AM and the group started off on their next food run. However, they all did not feel well, they were confused and kept bumping into things but continued on. Their vision was blurred and they ended up near the edge of the river. There was an uneasy feeling around the entire group. In the distance they saw a shadow and uncharacteristically slowly approached the figure which was a fisherman getting his gear ready for an early morning fishing trip.
All of a sudden Joshie rushed the fisherman and the rest of the pack followed. They attacked the poor man until he laid lifeless on the deck of his boat. They then devoured his body until there was nothing but bones left. What had happened?? They were no longer afraid of the humans. They went on without their usual sleep and attacked 4 more humans during the course of the day. They were in a hypnotic state and could not get enough human meat. They had become a pack of Raccoon Zombies wandering through the town looking for their next victims.
The word spread and the people near town were now arming themselves against the Raccoons, they were shooting guns at them but it did not work, it was as if they developed super human powers from eating the flesh of the humans. They rummaged the town eating and killing everything in sight and the seemed to be no end to this total destruction.
On the second night after turning into Zombies they found a boat and hotwired the ignition. The Raccoons had decided to go on a joyride. They took the boat up and down the river hitting boat ramps made for the water skiing show and flying the boat through the air. Now they were just getting daring as they found skis in the back of the boat. They decided to each take turns and were now waterskiing through the river at out of control speeds. Ajay took a ramp and did a triple summersault while in the air. He hit the dock hard head first and was now lifeless. The others did not care and it was now Crews’ turn. Joshie was driving the boat and decided to do 360’s while Crew was on the skis… the ski rope got tied up in Crews neck and he was strangled. Joshie thought who cares and was now even more out of control. Yes… More food for me, I do not have to share eating the humans any more were the thoughts racing through his head. Stevie realized that Joshie was out of control and found a golf club in the back of the boat. He attacked Joshie with it while the boat was running out of control at over 120 miles per hour. In the midst of the fight the boat rammed into the deck and erupted into a huge ball of flame.
Both of the remaining Raccoons crawled out of the boat and were dazed again. The red was out of their eyes and they were not sure of what had happened. Neither one said anything to the other as they scampered through the woods for days and nights. They finally settled and found a golf course far away from the town they were in to hide in. They were last seen chasing balls through the woods.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Growing up Polish
What a revelation, to be 8 or 10 years old and figure out that you have been the brunt of the jokes about everything that anyone stupid would do. It’s absolutely devastating to learn it is going to take you and 4 friends to change a light bulb when you get old enough to do it! Then you find out that some of the kid’s are public’s and don’t’ have to go to Catholic Schools and wear the stupid little uniforms. No I did not have to wear the skirt since I am a guy but we had to wear shirts and ties and be perfect little gentlemen or else the big bad Nun would kick your butt or hit your hand with the ruler or paddle your ass with a ping pong paddle. Not that anything like that happened to me but I heard about it!
OK so let’s get to the point. Polish families back when I was growing up were normally huge. This is why I cannot really figure how many cousins I have. Ok my dad came from a family of 13. (Bakers Dozen, go figure my grandpa was a baker) My mom came from a family of seven. Now they all had kids and now their kids have had kids and even some of the kids’ kids have had kids. I was not joking in a previous article when I said it could be 500 or so. That is not counting my grandfathers and grandmothers brothers and sisters who had kids and etc… I would probably not recognizer 90% of my cousins if I just saw them on the street.
Most Polish people were devote Catholics which is why we all went to the Catholic Schools and had to wear the funky uniforms. That is also the reason for the huge families, since devote Catholics follow the strict Catholic orders they did not use birth control, but loved to screw. So therefore they just like popped out a kid every year right after the wife was done giving birth to the previous one. This went on and on every year for what seems like forever until they just could not have any anymore.
With so many kids around there were bound to the Weddings, yes the Polish Wedding just one of the many reasons we have thought up of to get drunk. Polish people get drunk whenever we have an occasion to, weddings, funerals, birthday parties, graduation parties. We probably went to some kind of party every week. However, the best ere the Weddings, a good Polish Wedding could last for days. It would start the Friday of the Wedding and go until sometime on Sunday or whenever all the booze ran out. As a kid you would have to watch out for the older Aunts at the Weddings because since there was a band, there were Polka’s. Yes, they would grab you right out of your seat, and say let’s Polka. All of all sudden you are on the dance floor listening and dancing to crap like “She’s’ to fat for me Polka” or” Beer barrel Polka” or the “I’m gonna puke on the floor soon Polka” Well anyway these old Aunts would pretty much just drag you around the dance floor and make sure you learned how to Polka because every good little Polish boy needs to learn how to Polka so he can dance with his Polish Wife at their Polish wedding which would also last for days. So we would go to Wedding and Polka and drink. Back then, it was no issue drinking a beer or something at a young age, you would just go the bar and order for the table and get yourself one too.. Hell, we were Polish and that’s what we did, we drank. Of course it was always in moderation (yeah right).
I could never figure it out, but we always had a party after a funeral, everyone would be somber during church and then we would go to a banquet hall and eat and drink in memory of the deceased. There would always be a toast. But then we would go back to our business of eating and drinking in memory of our lost loved one. I guess maybe since so much time was spent doing that during one’s life that it is the best way to talk about the memories. Well enough of the somberness.
There was always food everywhere, we knew how to eat and did the sausages, and pierogi and sauerkraut and soups and beef and this and that and this and that. Always a celebration. It was so loud at most of the parties on purpose because all the food was so gassy it made you fart. But no one heard the farts because there was so much noise and no one complained about the smell because they were farting too. So we danced and ate and drank and farted all the way through growing up.
Yes. There are a thousand stories I can tell and go on and on about being and growing up Polish. But I’ll wait for another time as the light bulb just went out in my computer room and I have to call the guys so they can turn the ladder.
OK so let’s get to the point. Polish families back when I was growing up were normally huge. This is why I cannot really figure how many cousins I have. Ok my dad came from a family of 13. (Bakers Dozen, go figure my grandpa was a baker) My mom came from a family of seven. Now they all had kids and now their kids have had kids and even some of the kids’ kids have had kids. I was not joking in a previous article when I said it could be 500 or so. That is not counting my grandfathers and grandmothers brothers and sisters who had kids and etc… I would probably not recognizer 90% of my cousins if I just saw them on the street.
Most Polish people were devote Catholics which is why we all went to the Catholic Schools and had to wear the funky uniforms. That is also the reason for the huge families, since devote Catholics follow the strict Catholic orders they did not use birth control, but loved to screw. So therefore they just like popped out a kid every year right after the wife was done giving birth to the previous one. This went on and on every year for what seems like forever until they just could not have any anymore.
With so many kids around there were bound to the Weddings, yes the Polish Wedding just one of the many reasons we have thought up of to get drunk. Polish people get drunk whenever we have an occasion to, weddings, funerals, birthday parties, graduation parties. We probably went to some kind of party every week. However, the best ere the Weddings, a good Polish Wedding could last for days. It would start the Friday of the Wedding and go until sometime on Sunday or whenever all the booze ran out. As a kid you would have to watch out for the older Aunts at the Weddings because since there was a band, there were Polka’s. Yes, they would grab you right out of your seat, and say let’s Polka. All of all sudden you are on the dance floor listening and dancing to crap like “She’s’ to fat for me Polka” or” Beer barrel Polka” or the “I’m gonna puke on the floor soon Polka” Well anyway these old Aunts would pretty much just drag you around the dance floor and make sure you learned how to Polka because every good little Polish boy needs to learn how to Polka so he can dance with his Polish Wife at their Polish wedding which would also last for days. So we would go to Wedding and Polka and drink. Back then, it was no issue drinking a beer or something at a young age, you would just go the bar and order for the table and get yourself one too.. Hell, we were Polish and that’s what we did, we drank. Of course it was always in moderation (yeah right).
I could never figure it out, but we always had a party after a funeral, everyone would be somber during church and then we would go to a banquet hall and eat and drink in memory of the deceased. There would always be a toast. But then we would go back to our business of eating and drinking in memory of our lost loved one. I guess maybe since so much time was spent doing that during one’s life that it is the best way to talk about the memories. Well enough of the somberness.
There was always food everywhere, we knew how to eat and did the sausages, and pierogi and sauerkraut and soups and beef and this and that and this and that. Always a celebration. It was so loud at most of the parties on purpose because all the food was so gassy it made you fart. But no one heard the farts because there was so much noise and no one complained about the smell because they were farting too. So we danced and ate and drank and farted all the way through growing up.
Yes. There are a thousand stories I can tell and go on and on about being and growing up Polish. But I’ll wait for another time as the light bulb just went out in my computer room and I have to call the guys so they can turn the ladder.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Irritating Stuff
One of my 500 or so cousins was talking the other day about some lady in her office with high heels on that made load noises whenever she walked around. Was she doing it on purpose? Did she know she was making that noise? Well yes of course she did, people are most often irritating on purpose because they either want to get attention or want to piss you off. Then again, there are those who have no clue they are being irritating because they are just too dumb or self involved to realize that what they are doing effects other people.
I don’t know about you but there is a myriad of stiff that irritates me (and I am not talking about being irritated where you are scratching where people don’t want to see you scratching) It would take forever to go through the entire list of stuff that irritates me and pisses me off about others behavior so I will just go with a couple here. Do you remember the sound of fingernails scratching the blackboard in school or the sound of metal scraping the concrete. Those were irritating sound but not necessarily irritating habits. Gum popping irritates the hell out of me. Just like I would like to have told my cousin to shove the high heels up that lady’s butt, I would like to take the gum from gum poppers and put it in the hair. Yeah now that would be irritating for them to get that gum out of their hair. Call me vindictive but I say and eye for an eye or a tooth for a tooth a heel in the butt and gum in the hair. Now not to get into a battle, my wife occasional forgets this bothers me and pops her gum. I will not put the gum in her hair because she would then kick my ass and I don’t want that to happen.
I think one of the most irritating things that can happen are interruptions when you are doing something no matter what it is that you are doing. You totally lose your concentration and often times your complete train of thought when this happens. Of course many people have said I never have ever had a complete thought in my head and that is so true because people won’t leave me alone and then I forget what my thought was when they ask me what I was doing or thinking about. DUUHHH.
Yes it makes anyone look like a complete dumbass. My answer to this is to turn it completely around on the person who interrupted you to make them look like a dumbass and feel embarrassed. So, the next time you are interrupted by some stupid ass fool who has no regard for the genius of thought that you are currently working on you have to get them back. Now that will all depend upon the situation you are in.
Let’s do a scenario here. Ok you are the boss and are working on a project in your office. Someone comes to the door and interrupts you. Look at them and say, hang on one second I was just working on this memo about your insubordination and I want to complete it before we talk. Ok now, what was that you wanted you stupid ignorant SOB.
Another irritating thing is people who do not let you get a word in edgewise and talk over you even though you started before them. I think you should start talking about the affair you are having with his wife or her husband or whatever to try and catch them off guard. I don’t know, again I am just babbling out loud here. Oh no!! Here is another one. People who babble about nothing and actually don’t know anything or anything about the topic that they are talking about. That is when I just make shit up about their topic and pretend I am an expert just to shut them dumb asses up. Yes I know all about thermo nuclear physical therapy methods and their use in correcting lower back spasms. It is because the thermometer reaches a certain temperature when heated up in the nuclear elements used in the backspectangular that we treat the lower back with. Yeah… see what they say about that one.
Some stuff irritating to one is not irritating to others. So I say let’s all just irritate the hell out of each other as we do everyday anyway, but just don’t put up with that crap. Come up with a way to get back at that irritating person. Remember were Mad as Hell and were not going to take it anymore!!!!
.
I don’t know about you but there is a myriad of stiff that irritates me (and I am not talking about being irritated where you are scratching where people don’t want to see you scratching) It would take forever to go through the entire list of stuff that irritates me and pisses me off about others behavior so I will just go with a couple here. Do you remember the sound of fingernails scratching the blackboard in school or the sound of metal scraping the concrete. Those were irritating sound but not necessarily irritating habits. Gum popping irritates the hell out of me. Just like I would like to have told my cousin to shove the high heels up that lady’s butt, I would like to take the gum from gum poppers and put it in the hair. Yeah now that would be irritating for them to get that gum out of their hair. Call me vindictive but I say and eye for an eye or a tooth for a tooth a heel in the butt and gum in the hair. Now not to get into a battle, my wife occasional forgets this bothers me and pops her gum. I will not put the gum in her hair because she would then kick my ass and I don’t want that to happen.
I think one of the most irritating things that can happen are interruptions when you are doing something no matter what it is that you are doing. You totally lose your concentration and often times your complete train of thought when this happens. Of course many people have said I never have ever had a complete thought in my head and that is so true because people won’t leave me alone and then I forget what my thought was when they ask me what I was doing or thinking about. DUUHHH.
Yes it makes anyone look like a complete dumbass. My answer to this is to turn it completely around on the person who interrupted you to make them look like a dumbass and feel embarrassed. So, the next time you are interrupted by some stupid ass fool who has no regard for the genius of thought that you are currently working on you have to get them back. Now that will all depend upon the situation you are in.
Let’s do a scenario here. Ok you are the boss and are working on a project in your office. Someone comes to the door and interrupts you. Look at them and say, hang on one second I was just working on this memo about your insubordination and I want to complete it before we talk. Ok now, what was that you wanted you stupid ignorant SOB.
Another irritating thing is people who do not let you get a word in edgewise and talk over you even though you started before them. I think you should start talking about the affair you are having with his wife or her husband or whatever to try and catch them off guard. I don’t know, again I am just babbling out loud here. Oh no!! Here is another one. People who babble about nothing and actually don’t know anything or anything about the topic that they are talking about. That is when I just make shit up about their topic and pretend I am an expert just to shut them dumb asses up. Yes I know all about thermo nuclear physical therapy methods and their use in correcting lower back spasms. It is because the thermometer reaches a certain temperature when heated up in the nuclear elements used in the backspectangular that we treat the lower back with. Yeah… see what they say about that one.
Some stuff irritating to one is not irritating to others. So I say let’s all just irritate the hell out of each other as we do everyday anyway, but just don’t put up with that crap. Come up with a way to get back at that irritating person. Remember were Mad as Hell and were not going to take it anymore!!!!
.
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