OK so I moved south 20 years ago to get away from the cold and snow and all the bullshit weather up north in Chicago. Yes, the sunny south where you can pretty much golf year around and never really take out a parka or snow shovel or scarf or gloves.. At least I don’t but of course there are some wimps that do, that’s because they do not know the meaning of the word cold.( I don’t need to mention names but you guys know who you are). Wind blowing in your face that your cheeks feel like they are going to be ripped off at any second as you try to cover your mouth from the cold with a scarf only to find out the moisture from your mouth when you last covered it is now frozen in the scarf and that your beard and mustache have little fricking icicles hanging from them (or are those just frozen snots). Some people down here where gloves when it gets below 30. (WIMPS)
Overall I am so glad about my little experiment and move down here. No Cold, No Ice, No Snow, No Frozen Snots. YEA!!!!! But every once in a while you get a year in which it is just so fricking hot!!! I know it has been hot everywhere this year but come on down here where it has been over 90 for what seems like 1000 days in a row. That’s right a fricking 1000 days. OK so I am exaggerating, but it does seem that way. This really screws with my golf game and that is something that just not need screwing with cuz it is bad enough already. It’s hard to hit a ball with sweat running into your eyes, though your shirt, pants, balls, tits…. That’s right sweat is everywhere and all the time if you are outdoors.
During the summer it is a virtual cesspool of sweat. Really, if you drive down the road and you think you are going through a puddle of water… YOUR WRONG… It is a smelly ole puddle of sweat from someone who was dumb enough to run down the road or walk down it or just stand there. Yes, puddles of sweat everywhere…. and this is in Greenville. If you happen to go to Columbia, SC it is even worse. Everyone down here knows that it is the armpit of the South. And not just because it is home to the South Carolina Gamecocks. It is because it is the most awful, hot, humid, gnat infested place in the South. You literally breath in disgusting gnats when you are trying to do anything down there.
Now that you got me talking about USC, everyone thinks that a Gamecock is a bird, but really the mascot of USC is named after how ones cock smells during the summer in Columbia… Yes Gamey !!!! There we have “Gamecock “fans, the real meaning of your mascot is a smelly ole penis during the hot of summer in the South.
Ok now, sorry for the digression but it had to come out eventually. I know many people probably have thought about that in the past… but I had the balls, and not smelly ones to say it!!!!!!
Now that I got that out in the open, lets talk more about this doggone heat. Yeah. We have all heard the “How hot is it jokes” on late night TV. Yep Letterman gets away with it every single year and uses the same old rehashed jokes over and over and over again. Then his old sidekick who is get balder and balder every year laughs at these rethreads like “ I just fried an egg on the sidewalk or was that on your
bald ass head. “How hot is it Jokes” and then the stupid “ Bada dada” drumbeat that goes along with every dumb and corny joke. I know because people say I should walk around with my own tape recorded drumbeat for some of the corny shit I say all the time. I really think it would be funny to try to fry and egg on Paul Schafers head.
If we are going to have to hear jokes about the heat make them good, because I do not want to waste my time on old jokes. I get to crabby in this fricking heat to have a sense of humor. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep , I have no energy I just want to stay inside and blast the air conditioning, at least the first month until the electric bill comes. Then the rest of the summer I just sit at home in myself made pool of sweat with no air conditioning on and hope I do not turn into a USC fan !!!
Showing posts with label cold. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cold. Show all posts
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Conferences – It’s snowing in Orlando
Ok, I admit, not snowing but frickin COLD. How can anyone expect you to enjoy yourself at a conference when it is cold and windy? Oh come on now, we all know that the main reason of any conference we go to is the education and listening to the various speakers, to gather information that can be passed on to others in our companies. In addition we get to network with our customers, potential customers, suppliers and colleagues.
There is some fraction of people who think that all people do at conferences is drink, golf and eat expensive dinners. Let me tell you that most of the people I associate with do not have their first drink till at least noon, especially the past couple of conferences I have been to, because it was too cold during those morning tee times to drink anything but coffee. Besides many people ( of course not me) are too hung-over to even think about drinking till at least noon as their red, squinty eyes closely focus on trying to hit the little white fucking golf ball. So you say, OK what were you doing golfing in the morning anyway if you are supposed to be in the conference? AH HA, that is the morning tee times are for the first day of the conference since you have to be there for afternoon meetings and a cocktail parties in the evening.
Yep, there you go mentioning cocktail parties and drinking, told you that is all you guys do. Wrong, this is called a networking event. You meet people who you already know and network with them about where you want to go to dinner and eat and have more drinks. Then again, you sometimes meet people you have not met before that seem to be fun ( or that you think you can get business from) so you invite them along with the group you networked with before to the dinner to eat and have more drinks or to meet you after you have dinner with the original group you had planned with before. The whole idea is to get as many people together so you can exchange slurred misinformation and bitch about the industry or whatever in general.
Some conferences are tougher to endure than others. I was recently at one in which we had to golf for 3 days straight. Oh I am so sorry you had to endure that pain and suffering of being on the golf course for 3 days. Your damn right Skippy, the first 2 days in Sunny Orlando had us golfing in 40/50 degree temperatures with 40 mile per hour winds. It is very discouraging to hit a golf ball in front of a customer that does not go far because of all the wind in your fricking face. I am convinced that my customers used different golf balls or something because even in the wind they went further than mine. So, you try your best and after a few holes decide the only way to get through this excruciating round is to have a drink and loosen up to forget about how cold you really were.
Sometimes the organizers schedule other events for after the meetings which again are networking events. These are typically at a venue away from the actual conference. Many of these have relatively small indoor venues with extra room on the outside. I know you are thinking, another eating and drinking fest. Well, maybe if you consider that if it is cold during the day on the golf course it is cold as hell freezing over at night trying to drink a drink outside because the limited inside seating has gone too fast because you got there too late because you were out golfing with customers and freezing your ass off already. So you have two choices: Stand up and eat in a little corner, while taking off all clothes you have and still being legal about it because it is hot as hell in the room because there are so many people crammed into a little space or go outside and freeze to get away from the heat and also to find a table to sit at.
You have to regain your sanity and get warm and comfortable someplace, so then a group of colleagues decide let’s go to a club. You now find yourself at place you normally would not go to and on the dance floor doing group dances and pretending to be 20 years younger than you are. After enduring this for a couple of hours you drag yourself back to the hotel barely being able to walk because you frinking shoes were not made for being on a dance floor and your bad ankles were only made to sustain your weight while walking and not doing stuff you did when you were much younger. Needless to say you are one of the first to leave.
Ok now another day of meetings and you notice that somehow the 8 AM early morning sessions are not as full as previous days, but by 10AM the room starts filling up again as the important speakers for the day are not scheduled until late. Hhmmm is this a coincidence? The morning rolls along with the various speakers and for some weird reason the majority of the people in the room are wearing sunglasses. I guess they are just preparing their eyes for another bright and sunny Florida day on the golf course. So, when’s the next conference?????
There is some fraction of people who think that all people do at conferences is drink, golf and eat expensive dinners. Let me tell you that most of the people I associate with do not have their first drink till at least noon, especially the past couple of conferences I have been to, because it was too cold during those morning tee times to drink anything but coffee. Besides many people ( of course not me) are too hung-over to even think about drinking till at least noon as their red, squinty eyes closely focus on trying to hit the little white fucking golf ball. So you say, OK what were you doing golfing in the morning anyway if you are supposed to be in the conference? AH HA, that is the morning tee times are for the first day of the conference since you have to be there for afternoon meetings and a cocktail parties in the evening.
Yep, there you go mentioning cocktail parties and drinking, told you that is all you guys do. Wrong, this is called a networking event. You meet people who you already know and network with them about where you want to go to dinner and eat and have more drinks. Then again, you sometimes meet people you have not met before that seem to be fun ( or that you think you can get business from) so you invite them along with the group you networked with before to the dinner to eat and have more drinks or to meet you after you have dinner with the original group you had planned with before. The whole idea is to get as many people together so you can exchange slurred misinformation and bitch about the industry or whatever in general.
Some conferences are tougher to endure than others. I was recently at one in which we had to golf for 3 days straight. Oh I am so sorry you had to endure that pain and suffering of being on the golf course for 3 days. Your damn right Skippy, the first 2 days in Sunny Orlando had us golfing in 40/50 degree temperatures with 40 mile per hour winds. It is very discouraging to hit a golf ball in front of a customer that does not go far because of all the wind in your fricking face. I am convinced that my customers used different golf balls or something because even in the wind they went further than mine. So, you try your best and after a few holes decide the only way to get through this excruciating round is to have a drink and loosen up to forget about how cold you really were.
Sometimes the organizers schedule other events for after the meetings which again are networking events. These are typically at a venue away from the actual conference. Many of these have relatively small indoor venues with extra room on the outside. I know you are thinking, another eating and drinking fest. Well, maybe if you consider that if it is cold during the day on the golf course it is cold as hell freezing over at night trying to drink a drink outside because the limited inside seating has gone too fast because you got there too late because you were out golfing with customers and freezing your ass off already. So you have two choices: Stand up and eat in a little corner, while taking off all clothes you have and still being legal about it because it is hot as hell in the room because there are so many people crammed into a little space or go outside and freeze to get away from the heat and also to find a table to sit at.
You have to regain your sanity and get warm and comfortable someplace, so then a group of colleagues decide let’s go to a club. You now find yourself at place you normally would not go to and on the dance floor doing group dances and pretending to be 20 years younger than you are. After enduring this for a couple of hours you drag yourself back to the hotel barely being able to walk because you frinking shoes were not made for being on a dance floor and your bad ankles were only made to sustain your weight while walking and not doing stuff you did when you were much younger. Needless to say you are one of the first to leave.
Ok now another day of meetings and you notice that somehow the 8 AM early morning sessions are not as full as previous days, but by 10AM the room starts filling up again as the important speakers for the day are not scheduled until late. Hhmmm is this a coincidence? The morning rolls along with the various speakers and for some weird reason the majority of the people in the room are wearing sunglasses. I guess they are just preparing their eyes for another bright and sunny Florida day on the golf course. So, when’s the next conference?????
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