Late Night Phone Calls

Did you ever have one of those nights where really all you wanted to do was crash early? So, you get yourself relaxed in whatever way you do it. You know drink a couple cocktails, take a long bath, get a good book and get under the covers early. Poof you are asleep by 10:00 PM. You’re in such a deep sleep off in dreamland about something good. Then all of a sudden….. RING>> RING>> RING>>. It’s the frickin telephone. You open up your blurry eyes and try to focus on the clock but really can’t comprehend what time it is. Look like it is somewhere between 12:00 and 3:00 because it is so blurry. Your mind starts racing who would be calling so late, Oh My God is it an emergency? You pick up the phone and answer it in your extremely tired, pissed off, confused mode of speech. And then you hear…. an extremely drunken voice on the other end of the phone wanting to talk.

We have all gotten these phone calls from a variety of different people (at least I have). They come in different categories and I may not even have all of them. Now before I get into this, I need to write a disclaimer that this is not to bust on any of my drunkass friends who have called me late at night as it happens to everyone and this is a test only a test of the emergency broadcast system.

1) The Ex: That’s right it’s the Ex, drunk out of his or her mind. It could be the Ex boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, one night stand, who knows and who cares. They are drunk and are now making 2:00 AM calls to you. Yes the 2AM slurring confession of love “ I mish you sho mush”. Do you really frickin care? Who the the hell is the person to think that you would even want to talk to their sorry drunk ass at 10:00 PM nonetheless at 2:00 AM in the frickin morning. They want you to let them come over or to meet you somewhere. They have no clue that you just got some earlier that evening from the new person in your life, because to them there could never be a new person. Yes, the alcohol has talked the courage into them to make a complete and total ass of themselves. So after you hang up on the stupid idiot, you go back to bed and dream about getting some again from the person you got some from earlier that night and never think about the drunkass that was on the phone again until the next time the SOB calls.

2) The friends out partying: It’s late and they have all been out since 9PM drinking up a storm. All you here is loud music in the background and they want you to come out because there are a bunch of hot guys or girls wherever they are and think you need to get out more. “Cmon jon’t be a whimp”,” Itsh shearly shtill “. Yep they have lost all sense of reality and think you should be out with them. It just isn’t the same without you they say in their drunken stupor. You kindly tell then to frick off and that you’re tired, they should grow the frick up and understand that normal humans do not party all the time anymore. You then them to fill you in on all the fun tomorrow. You hang up knowing they will be hung over as hell in the morning and you won’t. it’s too bad you don’t have a huge bet against them in a golf match the following morning.

3) The long lost friend: You pick up the phone and you hear, “Hey, Gesh who?” “Whatsha doin lately?” Your friend(s) that you may not have seen or heard from in years have been out drinking and somehow your name has been brought up in conversation. They after they get home or sometimes while they are still out now in the days of cellphones, they decide to call and see how you are doing. You really want to talk but what you really want to do is go through the phone and choke some sense into them that you just don’t call that late, yet you really would like to talk with them but not now. You talk for a few minutes and tell them you’ll call them tomorrow to catch up. So you hang up after listening to them blab and blab for a few minutes. Right after you hang up you realize you do not have their phone number. Oh Well, that’s OK they’ll call next time their drinking and you can get the number then.

4) Lonely Drunk Friends: They are alone after coming home or maybe have been drinking at home all night alone. Their minds have been wandering all over the place and they have completely lost track of any sense of time as they stumble around the house. Their only means of survival is to pick up the phone to call you. They think they are making perfect sense but you cannot understand a single fricking word they are saying. It’s so bad that I can’t even begin to write how the slurring goes when you get one of these calls. You try not to be too pissed at them but hang up as soon as you can get them to stop trying to talk. You hang up and they call you again five minutes later because they have forgotten that they called you already. Sad but true. So you finally turn off your ringer so you can get some sleep. If you want to be an asshole, set your alarm for 6AM and call them up cuz you know they will be feeling like shit that early after passing out into oblivion about 3:00 AM after they realized you were not going to answer anymore.

Yes, we have all received these kind of calls and probably have made some of them too. I know I have never been drunk enough in my life to make any of these types of phone calls. ( LOL). It makes you want to get rid of your home phone and just use your cell because you can turn off a cell but can only just turn off your ringer at home. But who the hell can remember to do that every night. The only solution is to get as drunk as your friends every night so that when one of them calls you can all understand each other because drunken gibberish is best under stood by someone else that is drunk and also talking drunken gibberish.

OK She ya Necst Tyme!!!