Holiday Parties

I love this time of year not only for the joy of Christmas but for all the different types of parties that happen during this season. Before Christmas Parties, Christmas Parties, Office Parties, Out of the Office Parties, The party after the office party at the local bar, New Years Eve Parties, New Years Day hangover Parties, New Years Day Football Parties and Parties just to Party.

That’s right I love parties during this time of year because I get to watch people who do not drink much get absolutely blasted and make fools of themselves. Now, I am no angel and I had my share of being the drunk at parties when I was younger, drunker and did not have many responsibilities. But now, I’ll have my couple of tea toddling drinks and just watch the others which provides more humor than hearing about the assholes in Washington trying to bail out the automotive industry.

There are just so many places to go with this topic that I don’t know where to start. So whenever I know I have a lot to write about I normally go to a song. As I sit here thinking, there are a few easy song titles which can relate to Office Christmas Parties, and the thoughts going through our heads after a few drinks. If anyone would want to hear a full verse of any of these songs just email me and I will email you back with my original rendition. Or maybe I could do a K-Tel album of the Best of Office Party Christmas Songs and have some washed up celebrity on a commercial singing the lead ins. Maybe like Danny Bonaduce or Andrew Dice Clay. $1.99 each + free bonus if you order NOW.

1) “I saw your wife screwing Santa Claus”. (To the tune of “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus”)

2) “Chase the Whores ”. ( To the tune of “Deck the Halls”)

3) “We wish we will get Laid Tonight”. ( To the tune of “We wish you a Merry Christmas”)

4) “I’m Wonderin how she Looks Naked”. ( To the tune of “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas”)

5) “I’ve got Blue Balls “( To the tune of “Jingle Bells”)

OK, sorry for the diversion but I just had to go there. Think about the office parties you went to when you were single; yes the only reason we were there was to get as drunk as possible and try to get laid. The sad thing is that most of the older married men there were also trying to do the same thing. There is nothing funnier than watching a bunch of middle aged white men with no rhythm trying to dance with 20 years olds and stumbling over their feet. Quite a few sprained ankles and broken egos at some parties I had been to. The sad thing is that the young hotties would navigate to these guys because they made the money and we were all young just starting out. So by the time they finally had time for us they were already drunk and the task at hand was a lot easier than having to go through all the initial bullshit. A lot of the parties were at hotels so we wouldn’t have to drive home, it was even more of a laugh to see how hung over people looked the morning after.

There are various stereotypes that get played out at any Holiday Party.

1) "Slurry Talkies"; there always is at least one person who will just talk and talk to anybody about anything and they do not make sense at all. They are typically slurring so bad you can’t understand them anyway and you are afraid they are going to fall over on you because they can barely stand.

2) “Huggies”; this is what I refer to as someone who all of a sudden gets affectionate and wants to hug people all the time. Depending on the situation this could be good or bad. Use your imagination here.

3) “Meanies”; these are the people who want to start arguments either with their spouse, girlfriend or just about anyone else. Normally the ones who ass you have to kick to escort out of the party

4) Food Mongers; they will stay at the food buffet all night just shoveling it in, you can’t even talk to them because they always have something in their mouth and combined with the alcohol you do not want to get a shower of food and beer while talking with them.

5) Finally I will end this with the Bubbas, yes they are the one that will drink and drink until they puke all over the place. I have written a song below. “ Bubba the Drunkass Redneck”. Of course it is a Christmas Song to the tune of Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer.

Hope you enjoy and Merry Christmas.

You’ve got Harley and Billy and Dale and Daryl
Carson and Jethro and Bobby and Chandler
But do you recall
The most famous redneck of all

Bubba the Drunkass Redneck
Just had to have another drink
He wanted to do some shooters
And puked up in the kitchen sink

All of the other Rednecks
Picked him off the kitchen floor
They wanted to kick his drunk ass
Right out of the frickin door.

Instead he puked up on the rug,
Stumbling to the the door
Bubba with his beer in hand
Couldn’t even frickin stand

That’s when he left the party,
And we shouted out with glee
Bubba the Drunk Ass Redneck,
Glad he didn’t puke on me.