Plastic Surgery

Did you ever wonder why they call plastic surgery “plastic” when no plastic is even involved in any of the numerous procedures which fall into this category? There really is a legitimate reason and then there is Ed’s reason. So I guess just to set the record straight, the word "plastic" derives from the Greek "plastikos" meaning to mold or to shape. So to follow logic Plastic Surgeons are molding or shaping body parts which is why it is called Plastic Surgery.

Of course there are real medical reasons for plastic surgery to take care of those people who have been injured, burned, disfigured and many other serious reasons and this article in no way is made to ridicule those types of surgeries.

To me plastic is associated with fake, not real. Kind of like the term he is a plastic person. That means not a real person but a fake plastic person. Follow me now, plastic surgery is not a fake surgery but a real surgery since they use knives and stitches and off the other stuff that if not done right will have you looking like Frankenstein or his bride. But I am of the belief that it is called plastic surgery because of the plastic people it is performed on. These people are fakes and want to keep on perpetuating their fakeness. Fake boobs, fake asses, fake lips and fake pecs the list goes on and on.

The most common form of plastic surgery is really called cosmetic surgery and this is the one that we will discuss in today’s class. Yeah, right, I just wanted to sound like a teacher for a second. Tell me what is cosmetic about getting your boobs made bigger. Cosmetic to me is changing the ways things look. Yes boobs can be made to look bigger or smaller (I prefer bigger myself) and they can also be lifted and tucked and made firmer and all that stuff. But is it really cosmetic? For it to be cosmetic would really mean that everyone can see. Well yeah, I can half see, but when I ask a lady who has just had a boob job if I can see I normally get slapped in the face. I just wanted to admire the handiwork of the surgeon in case I decided to get my wife some I would know which Doctors to go to and which not to go to. But no, I get slapped.

I was in New York earlier this year at a conference with a few colleagues. We had some adult beverages that evening and at some point in the night one of my colleagues was telling a group of women that we were there on a convention of plastic surgeons and that my specialty was breast augmentation. He did not say we were actually doctors but just that I was an expert at breasts. I guess I say I qualify cause I have definitely seen my share of them in my lifetime ( mostly at gentleman’s clubs… yeah right ) Well, all of a sudden, I became a super hero the rest of the night and just started talking about breasts. You would not believe how many hot little 20 year olds wanted to discuss their breasts. Now, always being the gentleman I did not take this to any other level like saying let me see or anything like that while we were at the bars. So we decided to go to a men’s club to critique the work that was done by various people. You know there were literally thousands of dollars of augmentations that were right there in one bar which shows you the lucrative nature of these so called optional surgeries.

Now, I have been thinking about this topic since it was suggested last week and I came up with a song about augmented breasts and it is sung to the tune of the “Armour Hot Dog Song” . You remember it, Hot Dogs Armour Hot Dogs, etc.

Fake Breasts , Men love Fake Breasts
All kinds of men love those Fake Breasts
Big Breasts, Little Breasts, Breasts that are really firm
C cups, D Cups, They’re the ones that make us squirm
Fake Breasts, Men love Fake Breasts
The Breasts men love to ……....

Ok sorry about that I just got carried away for a second in getting to talk about breasts. I bet you thought I was going to use a different work that rhymed with firm. Your mind is sicker than mine. And yes, I left that last work blank on purposes because there are so many things men love to do with breasts. Oh no here I go again.. OK, I will stop about that now and talk about asses.

That’s right fake asses, just like our politicians in Washington and most of the people in Hollywood. I guess the way they refer to the procedure is a “butt lift” or “butt augmentation". Anyway they take fat and inject into your ass to help shape your body so your ass matches the rest of your body and they perform liposuction at the same time. So basically they are redistributing the fat in your ass.

Ok, nice asses are good to look at but the only functionality that a normal persons ass has is to take a huge dump and provide cushioning when we sit. It kind of contrasts with the asses is Washington that kind of just sit there but are not functional at all.

Lastly, let’s talk about Hollywood. If I were to do my career all over again I want to be a plastic surgeon in Hollywood, or maybe even just Joan Rivers plastic surgeon, I bet he made a living just on her. These people are so vain, they are the one Carly Simon wrote about in her song.

The amount of different types of cosmetic surgeries in Hollywood is amazing as they seek to be the perfect person in that perfect city of perfect people. These perfect people think just because they look good that their fame should lead them to be leaders or influences of leaders in our government. Just think of it this way, if more Hollywood patients of plastic surgeons who have had butt augmentation ran for the House of Representative or the Senate then we could be sure to have the perfect ass in Washington.