OK now, it’s Sunday afternoon and it’s the middle of February. The Super Bowl is over and it is officially football withdrawal time. You know what I mean. It was bad enough that Saturday football was no longer on because college football ended after the barrage of 5000 meaningless bowl games during the month of December. Not to say this was unwanted because in the mind of a true football fan you can never have enough games on at one time and meaningless games still have some good plays.
What is one to do? Let’s ponder the possibilities. First let’s talk about the stay at home watchers. If you were smart enough you could have DVR’d all the games of your favorite teams and then randomly play them back Sunday by Sunday. Yep, get your case of beer on ice in your cooler right next to you, your snacks, wings, and chili and watch the games all over. It is meaningless but it is still a way to get drunk by yourself on a Sunday afternoon. Who knows you may have been drunk enough initially that you could not remember the game so then it would be all new to you anyway. If you do remember some of the bad plays, you can get geared up for it knowing you are going to say why in the hell did he do that or think of some other expletive to say that you originally did not say. Who cares because no one is listening to you anyway as you slur your expletives on the way to passing out and dreaming of next years season. Now, take it a step further, you could have DVR’d some games that you did not watch because you were watching another game or something like that, then although you most likely know the outcome the game is all new to you and you can cheer on the plays that your friends told you about that you missed the first time.
But we all know Football is a social event, so what about those that went out somewhere to watch games in a crowd. You walk into what was a busy bar 3 weeks ago and it is desolate. No one is there but you and a few other diehard football junkies who are also going through withdrawal. You stare at the basketball game or golf or gymnastics or ice skating that is now on television. You order a beer just to have something to cry in because football is not on anymore. The television just doesn’t look the same, there are no people crushing each other into the ground in mindless hostility.
Then you think, Ice Hockey now that is some violence. The only problem with that is the puck is moving too fast on the screen for you to see or comprehend after drinking six beers. It is all a blur as the bodies’ crash into each other at 100 miles an hour. It just is not the same as eight 300 pound linemen lumbering and crushing into each other with the sounds of the helmets and grunting coming from the field. Oh no, where is my football. What to do???
What about NASCAR, yep there is nothing better to do in my mind than to watch a bunch of millionaire rednecks drive around in circles until something happens and they crash into each other. The spectators are rough and noisy, they like to throw chicken wings down from the nosebleed seats into the rest of the people. Maybe some breast flashing on the infield will help alleviate the withdrawal symptoms of no football. Well that would help but you have to be there and unfortunately they will not show bare breasts on TV, too bad. But being rednecks most of them are probably fat women with droopy ones anyway and I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t do anything for me.
Then there is always basketball and golf, but there is not enough violence there to feed the phantom beast that is a football fan. What to do, what to do?
My suggestion is to just drink enough beer that you have forgotten there in no real football for another 6 months or so until training camp starts or you can always watch Arena Indoor Football, whenever that comes on later this spring. Yeah right, watching Arena Football is like kissing you cousin. Yes, it is football, but it just doesn’t fell right, that is unless you live in West Virginia.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Shit Happens
I was thinking about what to write on this week and said shit I can’t think of anything. Then the revelation came why not write about shit. Yes Shit Happens.
What is shit? I’m not talking about the excretions that we make every day while sitting down on the throne reading a newspaper, magazine or whatever after just eating and drinking a huge cup of coffee. Although that may be where or how the term originated because you are just going about your business and get that feeling and all of a sudden it happens, that feeling inside or the cramps that says you better get to that throne right away. Ahhh, and then the relief. I can go graphically into this but will not to spare those that don’t like reading or hearing about shit. But then again after thinking about this maybe it is all part of how the expression originated. Often accompanied by a good shit are the sounds of gaseous matter relieving your body otherwise known as farts. Yes farts and shit are the basis of many jokes. Who cannot laugh at the scene in “Blazing Saddles around the camp fire? Yes, that is in my opinion the classic fart scene ever captured on the Silver Screen.
For some reason not known to me the expression “Shit Happens” is used to describe something that happened that there is no other explanation for or one that the person does not want to explain. But it often makes you think whenever it is used as to what really happened to make that person use the expression “Shit Happens” without any further explanation. Since no one likes to talk about shit, when a person uses the phrase “Shit Happens” it immediately stops the conversation about the topic being discussed without any further questions. But I want to go further I want to know what kind of shit happened. Was it a constipated shit, a regular shit or a diarrhea shit that happened? In other words was the occurrence or issue we were talking about to ignore the use of the term a small incident, a large incidence or one that was just completely out of control. Also in this analogy I want to know if there was a lot of arguing in the incidence so in shitty terms I want to know if there were a lot of farts involved to or is it just shit that happened.
You know if you think about it there is a whole bunch of shit going on around us every day. It is in everyone’s lives in one way or another. I bet on average we put up with more shit everyday then we actually produce in the pure physical manner. Or then again you may be one of the people that cause the shit to happen. You could be the instigator; yes you actually could be that triple heat burrito or the MSG in Chinese food that gets the gasses going to make shit happen. The other scenario is you could be the one stirring the shit to make the shit happen. You know getting someone to do something that they normally would not do, but when they do it is one of those things describes as you know “ it Happen” which really meant. “Shit happens. Yeah you stirred the shit to make it happen. Or it could be like the scene it Forest Gump which went like this.
Bumper Sticker Guy: [running after Forrest] Hey man! Hey listen, I was wondering if you might help me. 'Cause I'm in the bumper sticker business and I've been trying to think of a good slogan, and since you've been such a big inspiration to the people around here I thought you might be able to help me jump into - WOAH! Man, you just ran through a big pile of dog shit!
Forrest Gump: It happens.
Bumper Sticker guy: What, shit?
Forrest Gump: Sometimes
See shit happens everywhere even in movies. What is it that makes us use this expression other than the fact that it really does sound cool? You can make up almost any kind of story and stick it in the somewhere kind of like this.
You know I was going down to the store and then you know some guys kind of came by and asked if they could use my gin and the next thing you knew, he was dead. Yeah man “Shit Happens”
What a great excuse. Hey why did you take a baseball bat and bash in my window. Wow it was a mistake ya know, I guess “Shit Happens.”
It is one of those universal sayings kinda like f--- you but without the vulgarness of the f word.
Right now your probably saying to yourself why in the hell did Eddy P decide to write about this and why in the hell am I reading this?
Guess what?? SHIT HAPPENS
What is shit? I’m not talking about the excretions that we make every day while sitting down on the throne reading a newspaper, magazine or whatever after just eating and drinking a huge cup of coffee. Although that may be where or how the term originated because you are just going about your business and get that feeling and all of a sudden it happens, that feeling inside or the cramps that says you better get to that throne right away. Ahhh, and then the relief. I can go graphically into this but will not to spare those that don’t like reading or hearing about shit. But then again after thinking about this maybe it is all part of how the expression originated. Often accompanied by a good shit are the sounds of gaseous matter relieving your body otherwise known as farts. Yes farts and shit are the basis of many jokes. Who cannot laugh at the scene in “Blazing Saddles around the camp fire? Yes, that is in my opinion the classic fart scene ever captured on the Silver Screen.
For some reason not known to me the expression “Shit Happens” is used to describe something that happened that there is no other explanation for or one that the person does not want to explain. But it often makes you think whenever it is used as to what really happened to make that person use the expression “Shit Happens” without any further explanation. Since no one likes to talk about shit, when a person uses the phrase “Shit Happens” it immediately stops the conversation about the topic being discussed without any further questions. But I want to go further I want to know what kind of shit happened. Was it a constipated shit, a regular shit or a diarrhea shit that happened? In other words was the occurrence or issue we were talking about to ignore the use of the term a small incident, a large incidence or one that was just completely out of control. Also in this analogy I want to know if there was a lot of arguing in the incidence so in shitty terms I want to know if there were a lot of farts involved to or is it just shit that happened.
You know if you think about it there is a whole bunch of shit going on around us every day. It is in everyone’s lives in one way or another. I bet on average we put up with more shit everyday then we actually produce in the pure physical manner. Or then again you may be one of the people that cause the shit to happen. You could be the instigator; yes you actually could be that triple heat burrito or the MSG in Chinese food that gets the gasses going to make shit happen. The other scenario is you could be the one stirring the shit to make the shit happen. You know getting someone to do something that they normally would not do, but when they do it is one of those things describes as you know “ it Happen” which really meant. “Shit happens. Yeah you stirred the shit to make it happen. Or it could be like the scene it Forest Gump which went like this.
Bumper Sticker Guy: [running after Forrest] Hey man! Hey listen, I was wondering if you might help me. 'Cause I'm in the bumper sticker business and I've been trying to think of a good slogan, and since you've been such a big inspiration to the people around here I thought you might be able to help me jump into - WOAH! Man, you just ran through a big pile of dog shit!
Forrest Gump: It happens.
Bumper Sticker guy: What, shit?
Forrest Gump: Sometimes
See shit happens everywhere even in movies. What is it that makes us use this expression other than the fact that it really does sound cool? You can make up almost any kind of story and stick it in the somewhere kind of like this.
You know I was going down to the store and then you know some guys kind of came by and asked if they could use my gin and the next thing you knew, he was dead. Yeah man “Shit Happens”
What a great excuse. Hey why did you take a baseball bat and bash in my window. Wow it was a mistake ya know, I guess “Shit Happens.”
It is one of those universal sayings kinda like f--- you but without the vulgarness of the f word.
Right now your probably saying to yourself why in the hell did Eddy P decide to write about this and why in the hell am I reading this?
Guess what?? SHIT HAPPENS
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Fonzies Ponzi
Over the past month we have been infiltrated by stories about the Ponzi scheme which was the brainchild of Bernie Madoff and how he admittedly has scammed people out of a total of $50 Billion dollars. Recent reports say the number may be more like $17 Billion. I personally do not think we will really ever be sure how much money was scammed. Anyway not being real up on this kind of stuff I did not know what this was all about at first. If you know me, sometimes I can be hard of hearing, so at first I thought people were talking about a “Fonzie” scheme and it involved Greg Maddox who was a pitcher for the Atlanta Braves.
So when the suggestion came to write about Maddox ( Oopps Madoff) my twisted little mind started to think of how “Fonzie” would put together a scheme like this with the help of all the rest of his “Happy Days” co-conspirators. If you think about it, the past 30 years or so have been very “Happy Days” for Madoff, which incidentally is about the period of time that Happy Days has been off the air. Think about it over all these years, he was probably just singing his way to the bank.
So what about this “Fonzi” Scheme, do you really think he would have the brains to pull it off or was he just the front man. I personally think it was all Opies’ idea. Ooops I meant Richie Cunnigham . Richie was kind of the ring leader coming up with ideas and his henchmen Ralph Malph and Potsie would kind of just screw things up for him. Potsie is where I got confused, think of it , if Arthur Fonzarelli had been Arther Ponzarelli, then it really could be a Ponzie Scheme. Mr.C was the mouth of the organization because he could sell anything and who would not trust a short little pudgy guy. (And I am not talking about myself here)
They now say that they are finding smaller Ponzie schemes that have been going on around the country. There is one that is much smaller in Boca Raton, Florida in which they say the guy scammed $50,000,000 but now cannot be found. In our Happy Days model this would be called a Chachi Scheme because Chachi was supposed to be a smaller version of Fonzie and the actor that played him, Scott Baio is also nowhere to be found.
The signature calling of Fonzi was the thumbs up signal while he was saying “Aaayyy” , I think Mr. Madoff will be getting more than a thumb up somewhere in prison and his signature calling will be something like. “ Heeeyyy”
Well, in closing and all along with our theme, here is a new song for him to sing on the way to Jail.
PONZI SCHEMES ( To the tune of the opening theme of “Happy Days”)
In case you do not remember the tune,click the link below for the Happy Days Theme Song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6dOJhfrklg
Took Kings’ Money, Ponzi Scheme.
Bacons’ also, Ponzi Scheme.
Speilburg Charities, Ponzi Scheme.
Oh my gosh, what a take
Ripping off all my friends
Those days were all,
Ponzi Schemes (Those Ponzi Schemes)
These days are now,
Fucked up for me. (oh baby)
Goodbye penthouse, hello cell.
There gonna get me, cuz I screwed you.
Felt so right, but it was wrong.
That’s why I wrote this fricking song
(Musical interlude)
Took Kings’ Money, Ponzi Scheme.
Bacons’ also, Ponzi Scheme.
Speilburg Charities, Ponzi Scheme.
Oh my gosh, what a take
Ripping off all my friends
These days are now,
Fucked up for me (No Happy Days)
I’ll no longer be, Happy and Free
These prison days are all for me
These prison days are all for me, Ponzi Schemes
So when the suggestion came to write about Maddox ( Oopps Madoff) my twisted little mind started to think of how “Fonzie” would put together a scheme like this with the help of all the rest of his “Happy Days” co-conspirators. If you think about it, the past 30 years or so have been very “Happy Days” for Madoff, which incidentally is about the period of time that Happy Days has been off the air. Think about it over all these years, he was probably just singing his way to the bank.
So what about this “Fonzi” Scheme, do you really think he would have the brains to pull it off or was he just the front man. I personally think it was all Opies’ idea. Ooops I meant Richie Cunnigham . Richie was kind of the ring leader coming up with ideas and his henchmen Ralph Malph and Potsie would kind of just screw things up for him. Potsie is where I got confused, think of it , if Arthur Fonzarelli had been Arther Ponzarelli, then it really could be a Ponzie Scheme. Mr.C was the mouth of the organization because he could sell anything and who would not trust a short little pudgy guy. (And I am not talking about myself here)
They now say that they are finding smaller Ponzie schemes that have been going on around the country. There is one that is much smaller in Boca Raton, Florida in which they say the guy scammed $50,000,000 but now cannot be found. In our Happy Days model this would be called a Chachi Scheme because Chachi was supposed to be a smaller version of Fonzie and the actor that played him, Scott Baio is also nowhere to be found.
The signature calling of Fonzi was the thumbs up signal while he was saying “Aaayyy” , I think Mr. Madoff will be getting more than a thumb up somewhere in prison and his signature calling will be something like. “ Heeeyyy”
Well, in closing and all along with our theme, here is a new song for him to sing on the way to Jail.
PONZI SCHEMES ( To the tune of the opening theme of “Happy Days”)
In case you do not remember the tune,click the link below for the Happy Days Theme Song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6dOJhfrklg
Took Kings’ Money, Ponzi Scheme.
Bacons’ also, Ponzi Scheme.
Speilburg Charities, Ponzi Scheme.
Oh my gosh, what a take
Ripping off all my friends
Those days were all,
Ponzi Schemes (Those Ponzi Schemes)
These days are now,
Fucked up for me. (oh baby)
Goodbye penthouse, hello cell.
There gonna get me, cuz I screwed you.
Felt so right, but it was wrong.
That’s why I wrote this fricking song
(Musical interlude)
Took Kings’ Money, Ponzi Scheme.
Bacons’ also, Ponzi Scheme.
Speilburg Charities, Ponzi Scheme.
Oh my gosh, what a take
Ripping off all my friends
These days are now,
Fucked up for me (No Happy Days)
I’ll no longer be, Happy and Free
These prison days are all for me
These prison days are all for me, Ponzi Schemes
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Late Night Phone Calls
Did you ever have one of those nights where really all you wanted to do was crash early? So, you get yourself relaxed in whatever way you do it. You know drink a couple cocktails, take a long bath, get a good book and get under the covers early. Poof you are asleep by 10:00 PM. You’re in such a deep sleep off in dreamland about something good. Then all of a sudden….. RING>> RING>> RING>>. It’s the frickin telephone. You open up your blurry eyes and try to focus on the clock but really can’t comprehend what time it is. Look like it is somewhere between 12:00 and 3:00 because it is so blurry. Your mind starts racing who would be calling so late, Oh My God is it an emergency? You pick up the phone and answer it in your extremely tired, pissed off, confused mode of speech. And then you hear…. an extremely drunken voice on the other end of the phone wanting to talk.
We have all gotten these phone calls from a variety of different people (at least I have). They come in different categories and I may not even have all of them. Now before I get into this, I need to write a disclaimer that this is not to bust on any of my drunkass friends who have called me late at night as it happens to everyone and this is a test only a test of the emergency broadcast system.
1) The Ex: That’s right it’s the Ex, drunk out of his or her mind. It could be the Ex boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, one night stand, who knows and who cares. They are drunk and are now making 2:00 AM calls to you. Yes the 2AM slurring confession of love “ I mish you sho mush”. Do you really frickin care? Who the the hell is the person to think that you would even want to talk to their sorry drunk ass at 10:00 PM nonetheless at 2:00 AM in the frickin morning. They want you to let them come over or to meet you somewhere. They have no clue that you just got some earlier that evening from the new person in your life, because to them there could never be a new person. Yes, the alcohol has talked the courage into them to make a complete and total ass of themselves. So after you hang up on the stupid idiot, you go back to bed and dream about getting some again from the person you got some from earlier that night and never think about the drunkass that was on the phone again until the next time the SOB calls.
2) The friends out partying: It’s late and they have all been out since 9PM drinking up a storm. All you here is loud music in the background and they want you to come out because there are a bunch of hot guys or girls wherever they are and think you need to get out more. “Cmon jon’t be a whimp”,” Itsh shearly shtill “. Yep they have lost all sense of reality and think you should be out with them. It just isn’t the same without you they say in their drunken stupor. You kindly tell then to frick off and that you’re tired, they should grow the frick up and understand that normal humans do not party all the time anymore. You then them to fill you in on all the fun tomorrow. You hang up knowing they will be hung over as hell in the morning and you won’t. it’s too bad you don’t have a huge bet against them in a golf match the following morning.
3) The long lost friend: You pick up the phone and you hear, “Hey, Gesh who?” “Whatsha doin lately?” Your friend(s) that you may not have seen or heard from in years have been out drinking and somehow your name has been brought up in conversation. They after they get home or sometimes while they are still out now in the days of cellphones, they decide to call and see how you are doing. You really want to talk but what you really want to do is go through the phone and choke some sense into them that you just don’t call that late, yet you really would like to talk with them but not now. You talk for a few minutes and tell them you’ll call them tomorrow to catch up. So you hang up after listening to them blab and blab for a few minutes. Right after you hang up you realize you do not have their phone number. Oh Well, that’s OK they’ll call next time their drinking and you can get the number then.
4) Lonely Drunk Friends: They are alone after coming home or maybe have been drinking at home all night alone. Their minds have been wandering all over the place and they have completely lost track of any sense of time as they stumble around the house. Their only means of survival is to pick up the phone to call you. They think they are making perfect sense but you cannot understand a single fricking word they are saying. It’s so bad that I can’t even begin to write how the slurring goes when you get one of these calls. You try not to be too pissed at them but hang up as soon as you can get them to stop trying to talk. You hang up and they call you again five minutes later because they have forgotten that they called you already. Sad but true. So you finally turn off your ringer so you can get some sleep. If you want to be an asshole, set your alarm for 6AM and call them up cuz you know they will be feeling like shit that early after passing out into oblivion about 3:00 AM after they realized you were not going to answer anymore.
Yes, we have all received these kind of calls and probably have made some of them too. I know I have never been drunk enough in my life to make any of these types of phone calls. ( LOL). It makes you want to get rid of your home phone and just use your cell because you can turn off a cell but can only just turn off your ringer at home. But who the hell can remember to do that every night. The only solution is to get as drunk as your friends every night so that when one of them calls you can all understand each other because drunken gibberish is best under stood by someone else that is drunk and also talking drunken gibberish.
OK She ya Necst Tyme!!!
We have all gotten these phone calls from a variety of different people (at least I have). They come in different categories and I may not even have all of them. Now before I get into this, I need to write a disclaimer that this is not to bust on any of my drunkass friends who have called me late at night as it happens to everyone and this is a test only a test of the emergency broadcast system.
1) The Ex: That’s right it’s the Ex, drunk out of his or her mind. It could be the Ex boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, one night stand, who knows and who cares. They are drunk and are now making 2:00 AM calls to you. Yes the 2AM slurring confession of love “ I mish you sho mush”. Do you really frickin care? Who the the hell is the person to think that you would even want to talk to their sorry drunk ass at 10:00 PM nonetheless at 2:00 AM in the frickin morning. They want you to let them come over or to meet you somewhere. They have no clue that you just got some earlier that evening from the new person in your life, because to them there could never be a new person. Yes, the alcohol has talked the courage into them to make a complete and total ass of themselves. So after you hang up on the stupid idiot, you go back to bed and dream about getting some again from the person you got some from earlier that night and never think about the drunkass that was on the phone again until the next time the SOB calls.
2) The friends out partying: It’s late and they have all been out since 9PM drinking up a storm. All you here is loud music in the background and they want you to come out because there are a bunch of hot guys or girls wherever they are and think you need to get out more. “Cmon jon’t be a whimp”,” Itsh shearly shtill “. Yep they have lost all sense of reality and think you should be out with them. It just isn’t the same without you they say in their drunken stupor. You kindly tell then to frick off and that you’re tired, they should grow the frick up and understand that normal humans do not party all the time anymore. You then them to fill you in on all the fun tomorrow. You hang up knowing they will be hung over as hell in the morning and you won’t. it’s too bad you don’t have a huge bet against them in a golf match the following morning.
3) The long lost friend: You pick up the phone and you hear, “Hey, Gesh who?” “Whatsha doin lately?” Your friend(s) that you may not have seen or heard from in years have been out drinking and somehow your name has been brought up in conversation. They after they get home or sometimes while they are still out now in the days of cellphones, they decide to call and see how you are doing. You really want to talk but what you really want to do is go through the phone and choke some sense into them that you just don’t call that late, yet you really would like to talk with them but not now. You talk for a few minutes and tell them you’ll call them tomorrow to catch up. So you hang up after listening to them blab and blab for a few minutes. Right after you hang up you realize you do not have their phone number. Oh Well, that’s OK they’ll call next time their drinking and you can get the number then.
4) Lonely Drunk Friends: They are alone after coming home or maybe have been drinking at home all night alone. Their minds have been wandering all over the place and they have completely lost track of any sense of time as they stumble around the house. Their only means of survival is to pick up the phone to call you. They think they are making perfect sense but you cannot understand a single fricking word they are saying. It’s so bad that I can’t even begin to write how the slurring goes when you get one of these calls. You try not to be too pissed at them but hang up as soon as you can get them to stop trying to talk. You hang up and they call you again five minutes later because they have forgotten that they called you already. Sad but true. So you finally turn off your ringer so you can get some sleep. If you want to be an asshole, set your alarm for 6AM and call them up cuz you know they will be feeling like shit that early after passing out into oblivion about 3:00 AM after they realized you were not going to answer anymore.
Yes, we have all received these kind of calls and probably have made some of them too. I know I have never been drunk enough in my life to make any of these types of phone calls. ( LOL). It makes you want to get rid of your home phone and just use your cell because you can turn off a cell but can only just turn off your ringer at home. But who the hell can remember to do that every night. The only solution is to get as drunk as your friends every night so that when one of them calls you can all understand each other because drunken gibberish is best under stood by someone else that is drunk and also talking drunken gibberish.
OK She ya Necst Tyme!!!
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Abductions from Outer Space – Raising a Teenager
It was recently brought to my attention that the abductions from outer space have begun on some of my friends’ children. You know what I mean; they sweep down in their spaceships from the Planet “Stupidia Ignoramus “and abduct our teenage children. It’s not that the children become missing but that they replace them with exact” look a likes”. The only problem is the” look alike” has had everything we taught them sucked out of their brains. All the common sense you thought you taught them is now completely gone.
This typically happens to children between the ages of 13 to 16, but they do not come back sometimes until they reach 18 or so. You can not notice the fact that they are missing immediately as it takes a while for you to realize that this is not your child anymore. Yes, it begins somewhat innocently with the occasional mouth off which you typically would beat the crap out of them for or put them on restrictions, but over time these alien children become immune to these punishments and just don’t care. Then it all begins to snowball, they don’t listen any more, they don’t clean rooms, they mouth off and disrespect any authority figure. Yes, this is just the easy stuff.
As time goes on it just gets worse, these alien kids are now growing into large monster beings and they begin to steal your cars for joy riding, run away from home, skip school and tons of other disturbing behavior As a parent you start to think is this really the child I raised, the answer is NO. This is an alien “Stupidian Ignoramus “who has been sent here to test your resiliency against any type of situation. It is a test by the aliens to see exactly how much bullshit an adult human being can stand before one completely frickin snaps or go into a nervous breakdown because of the “Ignoramus”. This is all a preemptive move as they prepare to attack and rule the earth.
You may wonder how they communicate with the alien child as to what moves to make to drive you crazy. This is done in a variety of methods. The easiest method is through the other “Ignoramus” children here on earth often referred to as their “friends”. These friends pass on the communications they have previously had and put ideas in these “our” aliens’ heads as to how to screw with our heads. They often communicate back to “Stupidia Ignoramus “via their computers and video games. Why do you think they whine so much when their headpiece to XBOX breaks, that is because they are then out of communication with the home planet. They will often shut their doors while this communication is in place and mask their talking by the music coming from “Rock Band”. The last form of communication is with text messaging, normal humans cannot move their fingers as fast as these alien kids on those tiny little keyboards.
In addition to the behavior problems, the “Stupidian Ignoramuses” beings eat you out of house and home, they bring over the other alien beings that have now grown to be over 6 feet tall and eat everything you may have around. Even though you have plenty of food they constantly complain about the fact that there is nothing to eat. These alien friends are often disguised as teammates on your childs’ football team, basketball team or for that manner any sport or activity group. This is an attempt to hit at part of our dwindling finances by making us spend more money on food. Then once you have plenty of food in the house they eat it all in one day with their alien friends and start the complaining all over again. They constantly ask for money to do this or to do that and typically do not want to get a job to help pay for anything but think it is a given right to their existence. Another way they hit our finances is for all the medications “Prozac” we have to buy for ourselves to cope with them.
As you are just about at your wits end after many years of this emotional merry go round ,financial distress and sleepless nights, all of sudden the behavior stops, they start acting responsibly, get jobs, pay for their food, drive their own cars, go to college and become adult like people. This is when you can tell that the aliens have returned your child now to you and are ready to abduct a whole new group of children. Congratulation, you have just raised a teenager and you now have a young adult!!!
This typically happens to children between the ages of 13 to 16, but they do not come back sometimes until they reach 18 or so. You can not notice the fact that they are missing immediately as it takes a while for you to realize that this is not your child anymore. Yes, it begins somewhat innocently with the occasional mouth off which you typically would beat the crap out of them for or put them on restrictions, but over time these alien children become immune to these punishments and just don’t care. Then it all begins to snowball, they don’t listen any more, they don’t clean rooms, they mouth off and disrespect any authority figure. Yes, this is just the easy stuff.
As time goes on it just gets worse, these alien kids are now growing into large monster beings and they begin to steal your cars for joy riding, run away from home, skip school and tons of other disturbing behavior As a parent you start to think is this really the child I raised, the answer is NO. This is an alien “Stupidian Ignoramus “who has been sent here to test your resiliency against any type of situation. It is a test by the aliens to see exactly how much bullshit an adult human being can stand before one completely frickin snaps or go into a nervous breakdown because of the “Ignoramus”. This is all a preemptive move as they prepare to attack and rule the earth.
You may wonder how they communicate with the alien child as to what moves to make to drive you crazy. This is done in a variety of methods. The easiest method is through the other “Ignoramus” children here on earth often referred to as their “friends”. These friends pass on the communications they have previously had and put ideas in these “our” aliens’ heads as to how to screw with our heads. They often communicate back to “Stupidia Ignoramus “via their computers and video games. Why do you think they whine so much when their headpiece to XBOX breaks, that is because they are then out of communication with the home planet. They will often shut their doors while this communication is in place and mask their talking by the music coming from “Rock Band”. The last form of communication is with text messaging, normal humans cannot move their fingers as fast as these alien kids on those tiny little keyboards.
In addition to the behavior problems, the “Stupidian Ignoramuses” beings eat you out of house and home, they bring over the other alien beings that have now grown to be over 6 feet tall and eat everything you may have around. Even though you have plenty of food they constantly complain about the fact that there is nothing to eat. These alien friends are often disguised as teammates on your childs’ football team, basketball team or for that manner any sport or activity group. This is an attempt to hit at part of our dwindling finances by making us spend more money on food. Then once you have plenty of food in the house they eat it all in one day with their alien friends and start the complaining all over again. They constantly ask for money to do this or to do that and typically do not want to get a job to help pay for anything but think it is a given right to their existence. Another way they hit our finances is for all the medications “Prozac” we have to buy for ourselves to cope with them.
As you are just about at your wits end after many years of this emotional merry go round ,financial distress and sleepless nights, all of sudden the behavior stops, they start acting responsibly, get jobs, pay for their food, drive their own cars, go to college and become adult like people. This is when you can tell that the aliens have returned your child now to you and are ready to abduct a whole new group of children. Congratulation, you have just raised a teenager and you now have a young adult!!!
Saturday, December 27, 2008
The Day After Christmas
Twas the day after Christmas, and the roads were all crowded
With people returning, all the stuff that’s not wanted
They go to the malls, and stand in long lines.
Just so the kids will stop with their whines.
Yes, one of the 2 most crowded driving days around any shopping center of the year. The other one being the day after Thanksgiving. Why are both of these busy shopping days the day after a Holiday in which you stuff yourself with food? Is it because people want to go to the malls to shed off some of the poundage they gained on the day before? Oh my gosh, I’m too fat from all that good food, I think I’ll go to the mall and walk around in a store full of crowded people and shed some of this weight. I could get a nap standing in line. Maybe it is that no one is creative enough anymore to do anything but shop on a day when they could do anything else that they wanted. I never have been and never will be out shopping on either one of those days, although I do confess to typically shopping on Christmas Eve. Leave that stuff for the masochists that want to save that extra 20%. Hey, I am all for saving money especially in these days and times, but what is the value of one’s time when you think of all the BS you have to put up with to shop on one of these days.
They go to the malls the day after Thanksgiving to get that special gift.. You know the one the kids have been begging for during the past 3 months. Oh, please mom, make sure Santa gets that for me for Christmas. So they stand in lines at 3:00 in the frickin morning to get that early early bird special or make sure they get that special gift before the store runs out of the one they are offering at special prices. My fat ass is sleeping in on those days because I had good food and a couple adult beverages the night before. The only thing I am waking up for is if I have a tee time or to watch the football games and drink another couple adult beverages. OK sorry for the digression, now we jump forward 4 to 6 weeks depending on how much time there is on that year between Thanksgiving and Christmas. That is another thing I just do understand. Call me stupid but why is there such a big difference between some years and Thanksgiving and Christmas. Why does Thanksgiving change for year to year? If Christmas is always the 25th of December why isn’t it so for Thanksgiving? This year it seemed as if Thanksgiving was just over and Christmas is here. There wasn’t even time for the geese to get fat again in the time between the Holidays. You remember the saying” Christmas is coming the geese are getting fat”
So Santa slipped his fat ass down the chimney last night and it is now Christmas Day opening all the presents and everything starts to happen. One whines why they did not get the Uncle Doodles scratch pad and another one says this is not the right thingamajig because it is blue and not purple. Your sister in law buys you the ugliest sweater in the world that you would not even want to put her through the misery of wearing….. So, we resolve themselves (again not me cuz I am sleeping or golfing) to go to the mall and buy some extra stuff on sale or return and exchange the gifts. What difference does a day make if I do it today or tomorrow or next week.. OH NO.. It may be gone by then. Too bad, then get something else.
It always also makes me wonder why we do not just wait until a week after Christmas to give everyone Christmas presents since you can buy them cheaper than any time in the year. Yes you may not get the exact thing you want but you would definitely save money. Maybe it would be best to change to an Eastern Rights Church which celebrates Christmas on January 6th. But then again even most of them exchange gifts on Dec 25th as opposed to waiting for their religions official Christmas. Yet, no matter what we have to conform to do what everyone else does whenever everyone else does it. Why not take that chance and be different, celebrate Holidays much later than you are supposed to. This way you could really celebrate Christmas in July.
Why can stores afford to practically give their crap away with only one day making a difference? Does this tell you the mark up they have on their stuff to begin with is huge or are they actually selling at a loss. I doubt they are selling at a loss just to get rid of stuff, not yet at least.
So as you remember the traffic and the drive you took to save money and exchange gifts, just remember one think, Christmas is only 363 days away. Happy New Year!!!
With people returning, all the stuff that’s not wanted
They go to the malls, and stand in long lines.
Just so the kids will stop with their whines.
Yes, one of the 2 most crowded driving days around any shopping center of the year. The other one being the day after Thanksgiving. Why are both of these busy shopping days the day after a Holiday in which you stuff yourself with food? Is it because people want to go to the malls to shed off some of the poundage they gained on the day before? Oh my gosh, I’m too fat from all that good food, I think I’ll go to the mall and walk around in a store full of crowded people and shed some of this weight. I could get a nap standing in line. Maybe it is that no one is creative enough anymore to do anything but shop on a day when they could do anything else that they wanted. I never have been and never will be out shopping on either one of those days, although I do confess to typically shopping on Christmas Eve. Leave that stuff for the masochists that want to save that extra 20%. Hey, I am all for saving money especially in these days and times, but what is the value of one’s time when you think of all the BS you have to put up with to shop on one of these days.
They go to the malls the day after Thanksgiving to get that special gift.. You know the one the kids have been begging for during the past 3 months. Oh, please mom, make sure Santa gets that for me for Christmas. So they stand in lines at 3:00 in the frickin morning to get that early early bird special or make sure they get that special gift before the store runs out of the one they are offering at special prices. My fat ass is sleeping in on those days because I had good food and a couple adult beverages the night before. The only thing I am waking up for is if I have a tee time or to watch the football games and drink another couple adult beverages. OK sorry for the digression, now we jump forward 4 to 6 weeks depending on how much time there is on that year between Thanksgiving and Christmas. That is another thing I just do understand. Call me stupid but why is there such a big difference between some years and Thanksgiving and Christmas. Why does Thanksgiving change for year to year? If Christmas is always the 25th of December why isn’t it so for Thanksgiving? This year it seemed as if Thanksgiving was just over and Christmas is here. There wasn’t even time for the geese to get fat again in the time between the Holidays. You remember the saying” Christmas is coming the geese are getting fat”
So Santa slipped his fat ass down the chimney last night and it is now Christmas Day opening all the presents and everything starts to happen. One whines why they did not get the Uncle Doodles scratch pad and another one says this is not the right thingamajig because it is blue and not purple. Your sister in law buys you the ugliest sweater in the world that you would not even want to put her through the misery of wearing….. So, we resolve themselves (again not me cuz I am sleeping or golfing) to go to the mall and buy some extra stuff on sale or return and exchange the gifts. What difference does a day make if I do it today or tomorrow or next week.. OH NO.. It may be gone by then. Too bad, then get something else.
It always also makes me wonder why we do not just wait until a week after Christmas to give everyone Christmas presents since you can buy them cheaper than any time in the year. Yes you may not get the exact thing you want but you would definitely save money. Maybe it would be best to change to an Eastern Rights Church which celebrates Christmas on January 6th. But then again even most of them exchange gifts on Dec 25th as opposed to waiting for their religions official Christmas. Yet, no matter what we have to conform to do what everyone else does whenever everyone else does it. Why not take that chance and be different, celebrate Holidays much later than you are supposed to. This way you could really celebrate Christmas in July.
Why can stores afford to practically give their crap away with only one day making a difference? Does this tell you the mark up they have on their stuff to begin with is huge or are they actually selling at a loss. I doubt they are selling at a loss just to get rid of stuff, not yet at least.
So as you remember the traffic and the drive you took to save money and exchange gifts, just remember one think, Christmas is only 363 days away. Happy New Year!!!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Frickin Idiots
Have you ever laid awake at night just so pissed off at the world and think to yourself what a frickin idiot a certain person is? It does not have to be someone you know by name or even someone who you know exactly who it is. It could have been a total stranger and in many instances, that is the case. Why are there just so many stupid ass people in the world? The ones that just do stupid things and also the ones that when you ask them a question all they do is look at you with that blank stare. You know, that stare that say the lights are on but no one is home.
I get so pissed at people and situations all the time because they are just so stupid. Like the clerk at the store that still screws up how much change to give you even though the cash register tells them the exact amount, they do not know how to frickin count out the change. How about the guy that cuts you off driving at the last minute or runs the red light and almost runs you head on? Lets here it for the person in front of you in the line at the drive thru McDonald’s that takes forever to read the menu, and then tries to order into the speaker that isn’t there because there is a sign that says drive to window to place your order. These are just some examples of the situational stupidity that infests itself in our everyday society.
This type of idiot can also be seen in many other face to face situations. You know who they are when you ask them the question they just give you the stare, sometimes they will repeat your question while they are giving you the stare. All the while they are thinking I really do not know what the frick he is talking about so I will just give him the stare and pretend. How frickin stupid do they think we are that we don’t know that they don’t know Jack, and I’m not talking about the mascot for Jack in the Box restaurants. Although the guy who wears the costume may seem like an idiot but heck, look at the money he is making being an idiot.
While we are talking about idiots who make a lot of money, let’s talk about CEO’s who make millions and millions of dollars running our corporations into near bankruptcy and then having the balls to ask for our government to give them money so they do not have to go bankrupt. Or how about the union boss idiots that let wages get out of control so our companies cannot compete with newer companies here in the US without the unions. Or let’s talk about Governors who want to sell Senate seats. Yes, the list can go on and on and on.
As I think about this there are probably a whole lot of people that think I am an idiot also. I find myself to be extremely adept at doing most things, however when it comes to some of the electronic communication devices I guess my age is getting to me in figuring a lot of that stuff out because I do not have the patience to sit down and work it out since my mind is constantly wandering and wanting to do more productive things than spend hours figuring all that crap out. That is why we pay people to do this stuff like the ones that sell you phones. I had an experience getting a new Blackberry yesterday and the girl at the phone store said she could not download my contacts and was having problems setting up my email. I asked her questions and got the blank stare, so I said screw it just give me the phone and I will figure it out. OK, this is where I become the idiot after dealing with an idiot. I got home and realized that she had not set up my email to sync with my other email accounts. Anyway to make a long story short, after spending several frustrating hours I still do not have a clue how to set this up. Due to this I sent several emails last night to a couple people who know how to do this who must think I am an absolute idiot because my message came about as so frantic. This would have never happened had I not had to deal with an idiot to begin with when I purchased my phone and had someone to explain it to me.
It is my belief that idiots do not want to be alone in this society so they make it so you act like an idiot after dealing with them because they are so frickin stupid it temporarily attacks your brain cells and sends them into a state of shock so you act like an idiot too and lose all self deduction skills. How many times have you displayed irrational behavior after having to deal with an idiot? My favorite is to just flip them off, unfortunately I think they are too frickin dumb to understand what the finger means.
I get so pissed at people and situations all the time because they are just so stupid. Like the clerk at the store that still screws up how much change to give you even though the cash register tells them the exact amount, they do not know how to frickin count out the change. How about the guy that cuts you off driving at the last minute or runs the red light and almost runs you head on? Lets here it for the person in front of you in the line at the drive thru McDonald’s that takes forever to read the menu, and then tries to order into the speaker that isn’t there because there is a sign that says drive to window to place your order. These are just some examples of the situational stupidity that infests itself in our everyday society.
This type of idiot can also be seen in many other face to face situations. You know who they are when you ask them the question they just give you the stare, sometimes they will repeat your question while they are giving you the stare. All the while they are thinking I really do not know what the frick he is talking about so I will just give him the stare and pretend. How frickin stupid do they think we are that we don’t know that they don’t know Jack, and I’m not talking about the mascot for Jack in the Box restaurants. Although the guy who wears the costume may seem like an idiot but heck, look at the money he is making being an idiot.
While we are talking about idiots who make a lot of money, let’s talk about CEO’s who make millions and millions of dollars running our corporations into near bankruptcy and then having the balls to ask for our government to give them money so they do not have to go bankrupt. Or how about the union boss idiots that let wages get out of control so our companies cannot compete with newer companies here in the US without the unions. Or let’s talk about Governors who want to sell Senate seats. Yes, the list can go on and on and on.
As I think about this there are probably a whole lot of people that think I am an idiot also. I find myself to be extremely adept at doing most things, however when it comes to some of the electronic communication devices I guess my age is getting to me in figuring a lot of that stuff out because I do not have the patience to sit down and work it out since my mind is constantly wandering and wanting to do more productive things than spend hours figuring all that crap out. That is why we pay people to do this stuff like the ones that sell you phones. I had an experience getting a new Blackberry yesterday and the girl at the phone store said she could not download my contacts and was having problems setting up my email. I asked her questions and got the blank stare, so I said screw it just give me the phone and I will figure it out. OK, this is where I become the idiot after dealing with an idiot. I got home and realized that she had not set up my email to sync with my other email accounts. Anyway to make a long story short, after spending several frustrating hours I still do not have a clue how to set this up. Due to this I sent several emails last night to a couple people who know how to do this who must think I am an absolute idiot because my message came about as so frantic. This would have never happened had I not had to deal with an idiot to begin with when I purchased my phone and had someone to explain it to me.
It is my belief that idiots do not want to be alone in this society so they make it so you act like an idiot after dealing with them because they are so frickin stupid it temporarily attacks your brain cells and sends them into a state of shock so you act like an idiot too and lose all self deduction skills. How many times have you displayed irrational behavior after having to deal with an idiot? My favorite is to just flip them off, unfortunately I think they are too frickin dumb to understand what the finger means.
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