Have you ever laid awake at night just so pissed off at the world and think to yourself what a frickin idiot a certain person is? It does not have to be someone you know by name or even someone who you know exactly who it is. It could have been a total stranger and in many instances, that is the case. Why are there just so many stupid ass people in the world? The ones that just do stupid things and also the ones that when you ask them a question all they do is look at you with that blank stare. You know, that stare that say the lights are on but no one is home.
I get so pissed at people and situations all the time because they are just so stupid. Like the clerk at the store that still screws up how much change to give you even though the cash register tells them the exact amount, they do not know how to frickin count out the change. How about the guy that cuts you off driving at the last minute or runs the red light and almost runs you head on? Lets here it for the person in front of you in the line at the drive thru McDonald’s that takes forever to read the menu, and then tries to order into the speaker that isn’t there because there is a sign that says drive to window to place your order. These are just some examples of the situational stupidity that infests itself in our everyday society.
This type of idiot can also be seen in many other face to face situations. You know who they are when you ask them the question they just give you the stare, sometimes they will repeat your question while they are giving you the stare. All the while they are thinking I really do not know what the frick he is talking about so I will just give him the stare and pretend. How frickin stupid do they think we are that we don’t know that they don’t know Jack, and I’m not talking about the mascot for Jack in the Box restaurants. Although the guy who wears the costume may seem like an idiot but heck, look at the money he is making being an idiot.
While we are talking about idiots who make a lot of money, let’s talk about CEO’s who make millions and millions of dollars running our corporations into near bankruptcy and then having the balls to ask for our government to give them money so they do not have to go bankrupt. Or how about the union boss idiots that let wages get out of control so our companies cannot compete with newer companies here in the US without the unions. Or let’s talk about Governors who want to sell Senate seats. Yes, the list can go on and on and on.
As I think about this there are probably a whole lot of people that think I am an idiot also. I find myself to be extremely adept at doing most things, however when it comes to some of the electronic communication devices I guess my age is getting to me in figuring a lot of that stuff out because I do not have the patience to sit down and work it out since my mind is constantly wandering and wanting to do more productive things than spend hours figuring all that crap out. That is why we pay people to do this stuff like the ones that sell you phones. I had an experience getting a new Blackberry yesterday and the girl at the phone store said she could not download my contacts and was having problems setting up my email. I asked her questions and got the blank stare, so I said screw it just give me the phone and I will figure it out. OK, this is where I become the idiot after dealing with an idiot. I got home and realized that she had not set up my email to sync with my other email accounts. Anyway to make a long story short, after spending several frustrating hours I still do not have a clue how to set this up. Due to this I sent several emails last night to a couple people who know how to do this who must think I am an absolute idiot because my message came about as so frantic. This would have never happened had I not had to deal with an idiot to begin with when I purchased my phone and had someone to explain it to me.
It is my belief that idiots do not want to be alone in this society so they make it so you act like an idiot after dealing with them because they are so frickin stupid it temporarily attacks your brain cells and sends them into a state of shock so you act like an idiot too and lose all self deduction skills. How many times have you displayed irrational behavior after having to deal with an idiot? My favorite is to just flip them off, unfortunately I think they are too frickin dumb to understand what the finger means.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Holiday Parties
I love this time of year not only for the joy of Christmas but for all the different types of parties that happen during this season. Before Christmas Parties, Christmas Parties, Office Parties, Out of the Office Parties, The party after the office party at the local bar, New Years Eve Parties, New Years Day hangover Parties, New Years Day Football Parties and Parties just to Party.
That’s right I love parties during this time of year because I get to watch people who do not drink much get absolutely blasted and make fools of themselves. Now, I am no angel and I had my share of being the drunk at parties when I was younger, drunker and did not have many responsibilities. But now, I’ll have my couple of tea toddling drinks and just watch the others which provides more humor than hearing about the assholes in Washington trying to bail out the automotive industry.
There are just so many places to go with this topic that I don’t know where to start. So whenever I know I have a lot to write about I normally go to a song. As I sit here thinking, there are a few easy song titles which can relate to Office Christmas Parties, and the thoughts going through our heads after a few drinks. If anyone would want to hear a full verse of any of these songs just email me and I will email you back with my original rendition. Or maybe I could do a K-Tel album of the Best of Office Party Christmas Songs and have some washed up celebrity on a commercial singing the lead ins. Maybe like Danny Bonaduce or Andrew Dice Clay. $1.99 each + free bonus if you order NOW.
1) “I saw your wife screwing Santa Claus”. (To the tune of “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus”)
2) “Chase the Whores ”. ( To the tune of “Deck the Halls”)
3) “We wish we will get Laid Tonight”. ( To the tune of “We wish you a Merry Christmas”)
4) “I’m Wonderin how she Looks Naked”. ( To the tune of “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas”)
5) “I’ve got Blue Balls “( To the tune of “Jingle Bells”)
OK, sorry for the diversion but I just had to go there. Think about the office parties you went to when you were single; yes the only reason we were there was to get as drunk as possible and try to get laid. The sad thing is that most of the older married men there were also trying to do the same thing. There is nothing funnier than watching a bunch of middle aged white men with no rhythm trying to dance with 20 years olds and stumbling over their feet. Quite a few sprained ankles and broken egos at some parties I had been to. The sad thing is that the young hotties would navigate to these guys because they made the money and we were all young just starting out. So by the time they finally had time for us they were already drunk and the task at hand was a lot easier than having to go through all the initial bullshit. A lot of the parties were at hotels so we wouldn’t have to drive home, it was even more of a laugh to see how hung over people looked the morning after.
There are various stereotypes that get played out at any Holiday Party.
1) "Slurry Talkies"; there always is at least one person who will just talk and talk to anybody about anything and they do not make sense at all. They are typically slurring so bad you can’t understand them anyway and you are afraid they are going to fall over on you because they can barely stand.
2) “Huggies”; this is what I refer to as someone who all of a sudden gets affectionate and wants to hug people all the time. Depending on the situation this could be good or bad. Use your imagination here.
3) “Meanies”; these are the people who want to start arguments either with their spouse, girlfriend or just about anyone else. Normally the ones who ass you have to kick to escort out of the party
4) Food Mongers; they will stay at the food buffet all night just shoveling it in, you can’t even talk to them because they always have something in their mouth and combined with the alcohol you do not want to get a shower of food and beer while talking with them.
5) Finally I will end this with the Bubbas, yes they are the one that will drink and drink until they puke all over the place. I have written a song below. “ Bubba the Drunkass Redneck”. Of course it is a Christmas Song to the tune of Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer.
Hope you enjoy and Merry Christmas.
You’ve got Harley and Billy and Dale and Daryl
Carson and Jethro and Bobby and Chandler
But do you recall
The most famous redneck of all
Bubba the Drunkass Redneck
Just had to have another drink
He wanted to do some shooters
And puked up in the kitchen sink
All of the other Rednecks
Picked him off the kitchen floor
They wanted to kick his drunk ass
Right out of the frickin door.
Instead he puked up on the rug,
Stumbling to the the door
Bubba with his beer in hand
Couldn’t even frickin stand
That’s when he left the party,
And we shouted out with glee
Bubba the Drunk Ass Redneck,
Glad he didn’t puke on me.
That’s right I love parties during this time of year because I get to watch people who do not drink much get absolutely blasted and make fools of themselves. Now, I am no angel and I had my share of being the drunk at parties when I was younger, drunker and did not have many responsibilities. But now, I’ll have my couple of tea toddling drinks and just watch the others which provides more humor than hearing about the assholes in Washington trying to bail out the automotive industry.
There are just so many places to go with this topic that I don’t know where to start. So whenever I know I have a lot to write about I normally go to a song. As I sit here thinking, there are a few easy song titles which can relate to Office Christmas Parties, and the thoughts going through our heads after a few drinks. If anyone would want to hear a full verse of any of these songs just email me and I will email you back with my original rendition. Or maybe I could do a K-Tel album of the Best of Office Party Christmas Songs and have some washed up celebrity on a commercial singing the lead ins. Maybe like Danny Bonaduce or Andrew Dice Clay. $1.99 each + free bonus if you order NOW.
1) “I saw your wife screwing Santa Claus”. (To the tune of “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus”)
2) “Chase the Whores ”. ( To the tune of “Deck the Halls”)
3) “We wish we will get Laid Tonight”. ( To the tune of “We wish you a Merry Christmas”)
4) “I’m Wonderin how she Looks Naked”. ( To the tune of “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas”)
5) “I’ve got Blue Balls “( To the tune of “Jingle Bells”)
OK, sorry for the diversion but I just had to go there. Think about the office parties you went to when you were single; yes the only reason we were there was to get as drunk as possible and try to get laid. The sad thing is that most of the older married men there were also trying to do the same thing. There is nothing funnier than watching a bunch of middle aged white men with no rhythm trying to dance with 20 years olds and stumbling over their feet. Quite a few sprained ankles and broken egos at some parties I had been to. The sad thing is that the young hotties would navigate to these guys because they made the money and we were all young just starting out. So by the time they finally had time for us they were already drunk and the task at hand was a lot easier than having to go through all the initial bullshit. A lot of the parties were at hotels so we wouldn’t have to drive home, it was even more of a laugh to see how hung over people looked the morning after.
There are various stereotypes that get played out at any Holiday Party.
1) "Slurry Talkies"; there always is at least one person who will just talk and talk to anybody about anything and they do not make sense at all. They are typically slurring so bad you can’t understand them anyway and you are afraid they are going to fall over on you because they can barely stand.
2) “Huggies”; this is what I refer to as someone who all of a sudden gets affectionate and wants to hug people all the time. Depending on the situation this could be good or bad. Use your imagination here.
3) “Meanies”; these are the people who want to start arguments either with their spouse, girlfriend or just about anyone else. Normally the ones who ass you have to kick to escort out of the party
4) Food Mongers; they will stay at the food buffet all night just shoveling it in, you can’t even talk to them because they always have something in their mouth and combined with the alcohol you do not want to get a shower of food and beer while talking with them.
5) Finally I will end this with the Bubbas, yes they are the one that will drink and drink until they puke all over the place. I have written a song below. “ Bubba the Drunkass Redneck”. Of course it is a Christmas Song to the tune of Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer.
Hope you enjoy and Merry Christmas.
You’ve got Harley and Billy and Dale and Daryl
Carson and Jethro and Bobby and Chandler
But do you recall
The most famous redneck of all
Bubba the Drunkass Redneck
Just had to have another drink
He wanted to do some shooters
And puked up in the kitchen sink
All of the other Rednecks
Picked him off the kitchen floor
They wanted to kick his drunk ass
Right out of the frickin door.
Instead he puked up on the rug,
Stumbling to the the door
Bubba with his beer in hand
Couldn’t even frickin stand
That’s when he left the party,
And we shouted out with glee
Bubba the Drunk Ass Redneck,
Glad he didn’t puke on me.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
I wish you a Merry Re-Gift
Since I have never ever re-gifted anything in my life, I was doing a search for it on Google and found the script from the Jan.19, 1995 episode of Seinfield called “The Label Maker”. According to all my research this was the origination of the popular use of the term re-gifting. In case you may not remember, this is the episode in which Jerry receives a label maker from their dentist friend as a thanks for Super Bowl Tickets, only to find out that Elaine initially gave the Label maker to the Dentist for doing some free dental work.
Reading this episode made me realize just how well written this show was in terms of pure comic genius. It starts on a topic, introduces variables and manages to tie in the main topic several times. Just as an FYI the link to this script is http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/TheLabelMaker.html
Ok enough of the Seinfiedisms and back to the main topic. If you search the Internet on the topic you will find the same old rules about re-gifting over and over and over again, but just to make the point I will repeat them here also adding a couple of my own before I get into my take on re-gifting.
1) Do not give the re-gift to someone who knows the person that originally gave you the gift. This is the point of the Seinfield episode
2) Take any old markings off of the gift
3) If you know when you get something that you are eventually going to re-gift it, mark on a piece of paper who gave it to you initially so you do not give it to them.
4) Make sure the gift is new and not used
5) Make sure that you do not think it was re-gifted to you
6) Don’t be too cheap and at least rewrap the gift to make it seem as new
7) Don’t’ give stuff that is obviously a major target for re-gifting such as candles, soaps, after shave, cologne, pictures, obscure DVD’s or Cd’s, etc, you get the point.
8) Don’t tell the person you are giving the gift to that it is a re-gift.
9) Don’t re-gift something that you think is a re-gift already ( unless you do as stated below )
All right now that we have covered all the basic stuff on re-gifting let me give you my take on it. You are all a bunch of cheap ass bastards that don’t want to spend any money on people but want to give away your own frickin junk. (I am glad I do not fall into that category). Let’s face it; what else do we have to do with that some of that stuff we get. You know the stuff that you repeat when you open the box. Oh!! What a gorgeous scarf!! A Scarf!! (Thinking, you dumb ass what do I need a scarf for when I live in South Carolina and it does not get cold enough to wear one) Oh Thanks so much for “The Scarf”
I really cannot come up with a good rhythm here to write a fluid article on this so here are just a bunch of random thoughts, comments and question revolving around re-gifting.
Reading this episode made me realize just how well written this show was in terms of pure comic genius. It starts on a topic, introduces variables and manages to tie in the main topic several times. Just as an FYI the link to this script is http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/TheLabelMaker.html
Ok enough of the Seinfiedisms and back to the main topic. If you search the Internet on the topic you will find the same old rules about re-gifting over and over and over again, but just to make the point I will repeat them here also adding a couple of my own before I get into my take on re-gifting.
1) Do not give the re-gift to someone who knows the person that originally gave you the gift. This is the point of the Seinfield episode
2) Take any old markings off of the gift
3) If you know when you get something that you are eventually going to re-gift it, mark on a piece of paper who gave it to you initially so you do not give it to them.
4) Make sure the gift is new and not used
5) Make sure that you do not think it was re-gifted to you
6) Don’t be too cheap and at least rewrap the gift to make it seem as new
7) Don’t’ give stuff that is obviously a major target for re-gifting such as candles, soaps, after shave, cologne, pictures, obscure DVD’s or Cd’s, etc, you get the point.
8) Don’t tell the person you are giving the gift to that it is a re-gift.
9) Don’t re-gift something that you think is a re-gift already ( unless you do as stated below )
All right now that we have covered all the basic stuff on re-gifting let me give you my take on it. You are all a bunch of cheap ass bastards that don’t want to spend any money on people but want to give away your own frickin junk. (I am glad I do not fall into that category). Let’s face it; what else do we have to do with that some of that stuff we get. You know the stuff that you repeat when you open the box. Oh!! What a gorgeous scarf!! A Scarf!! (Thinking, you dumb ass what do I need a scarf for when I live in South Carolina and it does not get cold enough to wear one) Oh Thanks so much for “The Scarf”
I really cannot come up with a good rhythm here to write a fluid article on this so here are just a bunch of random thoughts, comments and question revolving around re-gifting.
- To gift or to re-gift that is the question
- How many germs do you think are on that plastic the fruitcake is wrapped in?
- Do not drink the Aqua Velva anymore as they put chemicals in it. Just re-gift that re-gift.
- How many years does fruitcake stay fresh?
- How long does it take to iron the wrinkles out of once worn ugly necktie?
- Do people actually wear tie pins or is that just another perfect re-gift item.
- If you receive a gift that you KNOW is a re-gift you should just re gift it back to that person next year to let them know you knew it was a re-gift to begin with.
- Remember to wipe down the boxes of stuff you are re-gifting to get rid of all the dust or if you want to be a smart ass write Merry Christmas in the dust.
- Has anyone really used soap on a rope or is it just the same one that keeps going around.
- Make a joke out of re-gifting with some of your friends and re-gift the same piece of junk item year after year to each other and make sure the person has to display it in a visible place in their house until the next year when they can get rid of it.
So now you know everything there is going on in my brain about re-gifting and here’s hoping you get what you want for Christmas and remember to make sure the labels are still on it.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Tax Free Gun Sale Weekend in SC
Now, I should probably be the last person in the world to write anything about guns, but my motto is if a reader requests a topic that I will write on it and make it humorous, so here it goes.
In July the SC General assembly voted to have its’ First Annual Second Amendment Sales Tax Holiday, This holiday allowed for tax free sales of firearms on the weekend following Thanksgiving. The results of this Sale were greeted enthusiastically by gun purchasers and sales were heavy this weekend wherever you could buy guns especially pawn shops. I guess if you look at it, why not, most criminals buy their guns on the black market and do not pay taxes anyway, so why not let us have the chance to also not pay taxes to buy guns to protect ourselves against the guys who buy guns without paying taxes to kill us and rob us and all the other crimes that are associated with firearms.
I am not sure what other states besides SC and NC have tax free gun sales at all or even for a weekend, but I do have to remember that I am in South Carolina and things are different here than in the rest of the populated portions the USA. The “war” is still not over yet according to some people you talk to, they still make moonshine in the mountains, a sport started out of moonshine running racers, dentists are not a common doctor that most people see, and last but not least they feel they have to own a gun. Now when you talk to some of the people here (that is if you can understand them to begin with) they will tell you that the reason they need guns is for “huntin”. (no g’s are ever pronounced in SC) I am not exactly sure why killing things is such an important part of life down here, but people take off of work during deer season to get up extremely early in the morning to sit in a frickin tree all day waiting for their chance to shoot some unexpecting Bambi. The really do not want the Bambi’s though they want the Bucks so they can then show off their manhood by mounting the frickin antlers and putting them up on their wall as a trophy. Yep that’s right I am a redneck deer killer. What a great statement and a tradition to be carried on by their grandchildren. I’ll tell you where I would like to put those antlers.
I mentioned a sport starting form moonshining. The official definition of NASCAR is National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing. My own definition of this is North and South Carolina Assholes Racing. Yep the only reason this got its’ start was to run moonshine through the mountains without getting caught. It’s a shame these boys make millions from something that was started by a bunch of rednecks in the mountains. Yee Haaaaaa let’s buy some guns so we can shoot at the guys trying to get our moonshine, but make sure it is on Tax Free Day.
Now back to our main topic I guess this is the SC way to stimulate the economy because they sell so many guns that the tax money saved by not paying the taxes for one day will be so much it will stimulate the economy out of recession. How about a Tax Free Car Day, hey what an idea, stimulate sales for an industry that needs one, and give up the tax money for a weekend so that those buying a car can afford a few extra tanks of gas taking road trips and spending some of that extra money But then again who am I to say what tax money to give away and what the regular guy would really want in terms of a tax savings.
I like to stay away from politics and religion in my weekly comments here, so I will leave the issue of the economy alone and go back to Guns. I think the next tax free should be a fishin stuff (another word with no G in the south) It is the same premise and used for killing things just like the guns. The only difference is that people can’t be shot with fishin stuff but they can with guns.
Ok now, criminals wouldn’t get their guns from regular shops anyway, it is mostly black market. Now what if were to tax the Black Market, we know it’s there and no one gives a damn about it anyway because law enforcement officials continue to let them exist. So I say we hire Mafia type guys who know the Blank Market guys anyway to go in there as if they were collecting a bad debt for a bookie and get the taxes from them. If not, they can break their legs or something like that. If worse comes to worse they could even threaten them with the guns they paid no taxes on during the Second Amendment Tax Free Weekend.
In July the SC General assembly voted to have its’ First Annual Second Amendment Sales Tax Holiday, This holiday allowed for tax free sales of firearms on the weekend following Thanksgiving. The results of this Sale were greeted enthusiastically by gun purchasers and sales were heavy this weekend wherever you could buy guns especially pawn shops. I guess if you look at it, why not, most criminals buy their guns on the black market and do not pay taxes anyway, so why not let us have the chance to also not pay taxes to buy guns to protect ourselves against the guys who buy guns without paying taxes to kill us and rob us and all the other crimes that are associated with firearms.
I am not sure what other states besides SC and NC have tax free gun sales at all or even for a weekend, but I do have to remember that I am in South Carolina and things are different here than in the rest of the populated portions the USA. The “war” is still not over yet according to some people you talk to, they still make moonshine in the mountains, a sport started out of moonshine running racers, dentists are not a common doctor that most people see, and last but not least they feel they have to own a gun. Now when you talk to some of the people here (that is if you can understand them to begin with) they will tell you that the reason they need guns is for “huntin”. (no g’s are ever pronounced in SC) I am not exactly sure why killing things is such an important part of life down here, but people take off of work during deer season to get up extremely early in the morning to sit in a frickin tree all day waiting for their chance to shoot some unexpecting Bambi. The really do not want the Bambi’s though they want the Bucks so they can then show off their manhood by mounting the frickin antlers and putting them up on their wall as a trophy. Yep that’s right I am a redneck deer killer. What a great statement and a tradition to be carried on by their grandchildren. I’ll tell you where I would like to put those antlers.
I mentioned a sport starting form moonshining. The official definition of NASCAR is National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing. My own definition of this is North and South Carolina Assholes Racing. Yep the only reason this got its’ start was to run moonshine through the mountains without getting caught. It’s a shame these boys make millions from something that was started by a bunch of rednecks in the mountains. Yee Haaaaaa let’s buy some guns so we can shoot at the guys trying to get our moonshine, but make sure it is on Tax Free Day.
Now back to our main topic I guess this is the SC way to stimulate the economy because they sell so many guns that the tax money saved by not paying the taxes for one day will be so much it will stimulate the economy out of recession. How about a Tax Free Car Day, hey what an idea, stimulate sales for an industry that needs one, and give up the tax money for a weekend so that those buying a car can afford a few extra tanks of gas taking road trips and spending some of that extra money But then again who am I to say what tax money to give away and what the regular guy would really want in terms of a tax savings.
I like to stay away from politics and religion in my weekly comments here, so I will leave the issue of the economy alone and go back to Guns. I think the next tax free should be a fishin stuff (another word with no G in the south) It is the same premise and used for killing things just like the guns. The only difference is that people can’t be shot with fishin stuff but they can with guns.
Ok now, criminals wouldn’t get their guns from regular shops anyway, it is mostly black market. Now what if were to tax the Black Market, we know it’s there and no one gives a damn about it anyway because law enforcement officials continue to let them exist. So I say we hire Mafia type guys who know the Blank Market guys anyway to go in there as if they were collecting a bad debt for a bookie and get the taxes from them. If not, they can break their legs or something like that. If worse comes to worse they could even threaten them with the guns they paid no taxes on during the Second Amendment Tax Free Weekend.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Spam,spam,spam,spam
The 4 word sequence made infamous by the Monty Python sketch which was a spoof of the product made by Hormel in whichever everybody loves with everything especially at the diner in the spoof where Spam is served in any and every type of possible combination. Believe it or not, it was this song that actually coined the phrase “spam” for junk email. It is just like the people in the song, it pops up all the time and is extremely repetitive and irritating.
I hate Spam, we all hate spam. You know, the stuff that fills your E-mail In Box over and over again with messages that no one apparently really wants or cares about. But think about it, someone actually does buy those pills because he wants that thicker penis to satisfy his woman. Good for you buddy! But mine is fine!! It’s probably the same guy that buys the Viagra specials from Canada, yes we have certified doctors to write your prescription right now. You can use that guaranteed loan to get you 100% debt free to pay for either of these products along with the course as to how to be a multi-millionaire in 5 minutes or less. If that does not work just remember that your are the next of kin to someone you do not know that recently died in some remote part of the world and you have 60 Million coming to you if you send half of it back to someone you do not know.
If you think about it, the world of advertising is nothing but a barrage of spam that infiltrates our life almost constantly. Here is a normal condensed day which shows all the instances of spam for most people. You wake up in the morning and turn on the television or radio and you immediately get commercials. Are commercials spam? Well it is a message that you necessarily do not want to hear. Think about late night sports programming and late night television, this is where you really get hit with the most spam advertising, junk over and over again and infomercials. Anyway back to the morning when you are in the car listening to sports talk radio as I mentioned, it is over and over the same message. OK you finally get to work and turn on your computer check emails and wow… I let my junk mailbox fill up for one week without dumping it and there were over 500 that went directly into it, this does not count the ones that got through the filter and I just hit delete. It just pisses me off because it takes so much extra time to get to the messages I really want. OK now, you are on your way home from work and listening to sports radio again. You go to the mailbox and get a bunch of junk mail with no relevance, Now you get home finally wanting to relax and it is of your wife(not my wife) constantly telling you to do things over and over and over again.
Spam, spam, spam, spam.
I know that was a low shot and really was not meant to offend anybody, but think about it. If Spam really is about unwanted repetitive messages it is in our lives on a constant basis. Think about how our kids feel when we tell them to clean their rooms over and over again. I guess that is why they wear their IPODS all the time so they do not have to listen to I’m sure what they consider to be Spam from us. Why do they have IPODS in the first place? It is because of the repetitive advertising that made them want them and talk us into getting it for them because we did not want to hear their SPAM anymore about wanting an IPOD. And the list goes on and on and on and on.
Yes, that’s right I could go on about Spam for hours but that would be more spam to you, so I will finally stop this rant to have breakfast. Yep you guessed it Spam and Eggs.
I hate Spam, we all hate spam. You know, the stuff that fills your E-mail In Box over and over again with messages that no one apparently really wants or cares about. But think about it, someone actually does buy those pills because he wants that thicker penis to satisfy his woman. Good for you buddy! But mine is fine!! It’s probably the same guy that buys the Viagra specials from Canada, yes we have certified doctors to write your prescription right now. You can use that guaranteed loan to get you 100% debt free to pay for either of these products along with the course as to how to be a multi-millionaire in 5 minutes or less. If that does not work just remember that your are the next of kin to someone you do not know that recently died in some remote part of the world and you have 60 Million coming to you if you send half of it back to someone you do not know.
If you think about it, the world of advertising is nothing but a barrage of spam that infiltrates our life almost constantly. Here is a normal condensed day which shows all the instances of spam for most people. You wake up in the morning and turn on the television or radio and you immediately get commercials. Are commercials spam? Well it is a message that you necessarily do not want to hear. Think about late night sports programming and late night television, this is where you really get hit with the most spam advertising, junk over and over again and infomercials. Anyway back to the morning when you are in the car listening to sports talk radio as I mentioned, it is over and over the same message. OK you finally get to work and turn on your computer check emails and wow… I let my junk mailbox fill up for one week without dumping it and there were over 500 that went directly into it, this does not count the ones that got through the filter and I just hit delete. It just pisses me off because it takes so much extra time to get to the messages I really want. OK now, you are on your way home from work and listening to sports radio again. You go to the mailbox and get a bunch of junk mail with no relevance, Now you get home finally wanting to relax and it is of your wife(not my wife) constantly telling you to do things over and over and over again.
Spam, spam, spam, spam.
I know that was a low shot and really was not meant to offend anybody, but think about it. If Spam really is about unwanted repetitive messages it is in our lives on a constant basis. Think about how our kids feel when we tell them to clean their rooms over and over again. I guess that is why they wear their IPODS all the time so they do not have to listen to I’m sure what they consider to be Spam from us. Why do they have IPODS in the first place? It is because of the repetitive advertising that made them want them and talk us into getting it for them because we did not want to hear their SPAM anymore about wanting an IPOD. And the list goes on and on and on and on.
Yes, that’s right I could go on about Spam for hours but that would be more spam to you, so I will finally stop this rant to have breakfast. Yep you guessed it Spam and Eggs.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
2:00 AM Feeding Frenzies
The bars are all closed and you could did not go home with that guy or gal you thought you would all night, now it is just you and your friends. (Again) So what are you going to do now, the 4:00 AM bar is too far for you to drive back after drinking some more and you would still be by yourself anyway.
So, what else to do but eat!! Yep, that’s right the Waffle House’s busiest time of the night. After 2:00AM rejected drunks feeding frenzy. They don’t even notice that most of the waitresses there have no teeth, they don’t care, and they just want to soak up that alcohol with grease and slurringly recap the night.
It really doesn’t matter whether it’s Waffle House, Huddle House, House of Pancakes, White Castle, Krystal’s or many others their main focus after 2:00 AM on the weekends is for drunks to come in and try to sober up by drinking coffee and eating whatever greasy substance they can put down their stomachs without throwing up. Not that anyone has ever thrown up in any of those places at that time of night. I normally would at least step outside before I puked on the side of the building. I mean that is the courteous drunk thing to do, at least this way no one has to clean it up or it could be hosed down in the morning.
There was place in Charlotte once upon time called Hugo’s (not sure if it is still open as this was at least 15 yrs ago). They had what I thought were the best greasiest pork chops and eggs in the world. At least that is what I used to slur during many of the conversations I had there. The reason they were what I thought were the best pork chops is that no one knew for sure if they were really pork chops or not, but they did soak up the grease.
It is amazing the types of people you see in these places early in the morning. Of course, there are the ones who have been out drinking, but then again there are those that have been working like strippers, prostitutes, pimps, etc…. What a diverse and eccentric group of people all gathered in one place to end an evening. I also remember one evening when some very attractive women had walked into Hugo’s and I said to my friend. Hey, Chris look at ober dere ad dose women, ya know I’ve shene r neked. Yes, I had recognized them from a club I had been at but that’s not the point. The point is to understand and talk in the language called slurish. Yes, slurish in that language we talk to each other in at 2:00 AM in the morning and we each understand one another, because everyone else is as drunk as you. It doesn’t matter if you are talking to the table next to you or the cashier they all understand the language at 2:00 AM.
I know we can all go on and on with our personal stories on this and the names of different places we each favored during those years of drinking and slurring and puking and sleeping and then doing it again all over the next night.
The only argument you could ever get into at that time of night with your friends is, “Wherewe goanna eat? To me it just didn’t matter, but the ultimate name of one of these places should be “ Drunks R Us”
Think about it for a second, we have a Toy’s r us, Babies R us… why not a Drunks R us. This could be a multifunctional gathering place for those who like to stay out after 2:00 AM. It could have specially equipped rest rooms with drains and hoses so that the puke could easily be washed down at any time in case you do not make it outside. It could also still serve more alcohol up until 4:00 AM for those who have not yet had enough. I would also make it a low so it would be a No Cop Zone, this way they do not try to follow our drunk asses out of the special gathering place reserved for us. Lastly, it would have cots for rent in a separate part of the building so we can sleep it off and then wake up in a place where we can start all over again.
So, what else to do but eat!! Yep, that’s right the Waffle House’s busiest time of the night. After 2:00AM rejected drunks feeding frenzy. They don’t even notice that most of the waitresses there have no teeth, they don’t care, and they just want to soak up that alcohol with grease and slurringly recap the night.
It really doesn’t matter whether it’s Waffle House, Huddle House, House of Pancakes, White Castle, Krystal’s or many others their main focus after 2:00 AM on the weekends is for drunks to come in and try to sober up by drinking coffee and eating whatever greasy substance they can put down their stomachs without throwing up. Not that anyone has ever thrown up in any of those places at that time of night. I normally would at least step outside before I puked on the side of the building. I mean that is the courteous drunk thing to do, at least this way no one has to clean it up or it could be hosed down in the morning.
There was place in Charlotte once upon time called Hugo’s (not sure if it is still open as this was at least 15 yrs ago). They had what I thought were the best greasiest pork chops and eggs in the world. At least that is what I used to slur during many of the conversations I had there. The reason they were what I thought were the best pork chops is that no one knew for sure if they were really pork chops or not, but they did soak up the grease.
It is amazing the types of people you see in these places early in the morning. Of course, there are the ones who have been out drinking, but then again there are those that have been working like strippers, prostitutes, pimps, etc…. What a diverse and eccentric group of people all gathered in one place to end an evening. I also remember one evening when some very attractive women had walked into Hugo’s and I said to my friend. Hey, Chris look at ober dere ad dose women, ya know I’ve shene r neked. Yes, I had recognized them from a club I had been at but that’s not the point. The point is to understand and talk in the language called slurish. Yes, slurish in that language we talk to each other in at 2:00 AM in the morning and we each understand one another, because everyone else is as drunk as you. It doesn’t matter if you are talking to the table next to you or the cashier they all understand the language at 2:00 AM.
I know we can all go on and on with our personal stories on this and the names of different places we each favored during those years of drinking and slurring and puking and sleeping and then doing it again all over the next night.
The only argument you could ever get into at that time of night with your friends is, “Wherewe goanna eat? To me it just didn’t matter, but the ultimate name of one of these places should be “ Drunks R Us”
Think about it for a second, we have a Toy’s r us, Babies R us… why not a Drunks R us. This could be a multifunctional gathering place for those who like to stay out after 2:00 AM. It could have specially equipped rest rooms with drains and hoses so that the puke could easily be washed down at any time in case you do not make it outside. It could also still serve more alcohol up until 4:00 AM for those who have not yet had enough. I would also make it a low so it would be a No Cop Zone, this way they do not try to follow our drunk asses out of the special gathering place reserved for us. Lastly, it would have cots for rent in a separate part of the building so we can sleep it off and then wake up in a place where we can start all over again.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
My Country Music Song
I was reading through the list of the top 20 Country music songs the other day while bored on a flight from Charlotte to Detroit. I never really have taken any type of interest in country music because I normally associate it with drinking, and lost lovers and being down in the dumps by someone’s trailer home after being driven home in their old pick-up. Anyway I read through the list of songs and had a revelation that I could actually write a country music song by inter mixing the titles of the songs into my song.
So anyway I have no clue what I am about to get myself into but here are the songs in the order from the newspaper article along with the artist that performs the song.
1) Just a Dream – Carrie Underwood
2) She Never Cried In Front of Me – Toby Keith
3) Everybody Wants to go to – Kenny Chesnee
4) Love Story- Taylor Swift
5) Let It Go – Tim McGraw
6) Chicken Fried – Zac Brown Band
7) Roll With Me – Montgomery Gentry
8) Already Gone – Sugarland
9) I’ll Walk – Bucky Covington
10) Country Man – Luke Bryan
11) Here – Rascal Flatts
12) Start a Band – Brad Paisler w/ Keith Urban
13) Love Remembers – Craig Morgan
14) All I Ever Wanted – Chuck Wicks
15) In Color – Jamey Johnson
16) Lookin For a Good Time – Lady Antebellum
17) Don’t – Billy Currington
18) Country Boy – Allan Jackson
19) She Wouldn’t be Gone – Blake Shelton
20) Feel That Fire – Dierks Bentley
Ok now there was the list of the 20 songs on the USA Today list for this week and here is my country music song!!!!
I was a lonely “Country Boy” and it was “Just a Dream”
“All I ever wanted” was to “start a band”
My friends all said “Don’t” “Let it Go” but I just couldn’t
“Feel that Fire” anymore , the dream was “Already Gone”, “Already Gone”
I met her one night at the trailer park
“Just lookin for a good time”
She said she wanted to “roll with me”
We went to the back of my single wide
It was the beginning of our “Love Story”
My girl was upset that my dream was gone
But “she never cried in front of me”
We drank whiskey and beer and watched “In Color” TV
And we made love while our “Chicken Fried” on the fire
I was a lonely “Country Boy” and it was “Just a Dream”
“All I ever wanted” was to “start a band”
My friends all said “Don’t” “Let it Go” but I just couldn’t
“Feel that Fire” anymore , the dream was “Already Gone”, “Already Gone”
“I’ll walk” most nights just wondering how my band would sing
The songs I’d write about her now,
cuz if I’d done it before “She wouldn’t be gone”
She’d be right “here” drinking some beer
“Everybody wants to go to” the old place where we could bring
our guitars, some whiskey and women and really just sing
Now that would make me a “Country Man”
and finally I would start my band
OK now, it is not going to be a gold record but it did include all the song titles. Try it yourself if you wish and just post it in my comments sections. I have to admit it was a little harder than I originally thought but I all had to do was put on my mullet wig , grab a Fred Flinstone Jelly Glass and fill it with some Jack and Pepsi, and took a couple sips, chased it with some PBR and....instantaneously I was able to think and write like a redneck which led to the song. YEE HAAA
So anyway I have no clue what I am about to get myself into but here are the songs in the order from the newspaper article along with the artist that performs the song.
1) Just a Dream – Carrie Underwood
2) She Never Cried In Front of Me – Toby Keith
3) Everybody Wants to go to – Kenny Chesnee
4) Love Story- Taylor Swift
5) Let It Go – Tim McGraw
6) Chicken Fried – Zac Brown Band
7) Roll With Me – Montgomery Gentry
8) Already Gone – Sugarland
9) I’ll Walk – Bucky Covington
10) Country Man – Luke Bryan
11) Here – Rascal Flatts
12) Start a Band – Brad Paisler w/ Keith Urban
13) Love Remembers – Craig Morgan
14) All I Ever Wanted – Chuck Wicks
15) In Color – Jamey Johnson
16) Lookin For a Good Time – Lady Antebellum
17) Don’t – Billy Currington
18) Country Boy – Allan Jackson
19) She Wouldn’t be Gone – Blake Shelton
20) Feel That Fire – Dierks Bentley
Ok now there was the list of the 20 songs on the USA Today list for this week and here is my country music song!!!!
I was a lonely “Country Boy” and it was “Just a Dream”
“All I ever wanted” was to “start a band”
My friends all said “Don’t” “Let it Go” but I just couldn’t
“Feel that Fire” anymore , the dream was “Already Gone”, “Already Gone”
I met her one night at the trailer park
“Just lookin for a good time”
She said she wanted to “roll with me”
We went to the back of my single wide
It was the beginning of our “Love Story”
My girl was upset that my dream was gone
But “she never cried in front of me”
We drank whiskey and beer and watched “In Color” TV
And we made love while our “Chicken Fried” on the fire
I was a lonely “Country Boy” and it was “Just a Dream”
“All I ever wanted” was to “start a band”
My friends all said “Don’t” “Let it Go” but I just couldn’t
“Feel that Fire” anymore , the dream was “Already Gone”, “Already Gone”
“I’ll walk” most nights just wondering how my band would sing
The songs I’d write about her now,
cuz if I’d done it before “She wouldn’t be gone”
She’d be right “here” drinking some beer
“Everybody wants to go to” the old place where we could bring
our guitars, some whiskey and women and really just sing
Now that would make me a “Country Man”
and finally I would start my band
OK now, it is not going to be a gold record but it did include all the song titles. Try it yourself if you wish and just post it in my comments sections. I have to admit it was a little harder than I originally thought but I all had to do was put on my mullet wig , grab a Fred Flinstone Jelly Glass and fill it with some Jack and Pepsi, and took a couple sips, chased it with some PBR and....instantaneously I was able to think and write like a redneck which led to the song. YEE HAAA
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