Ok so I had to ask what a Tide Pen was when I got this suggestion, but did figure it out with a little help from Google. For those of you challenged like me, a Tide Pen is a little pen that you rub on a stain when you get one that takes it out after washing it. Now we will not debate whether or not it really works as some people swear by it and others curse by it.
That’s right there are products that get rid of everything. Tide Pen, Magic Eraser and who can forget Billy Mays pitching Fix-It Pro, Mighty Mend-It and last but not least Oxiclean.
So what if we had a product for everything we screwed up in our lives and “poof” it would magically be back to the way it was before we screwed it up. Or do we really want to fix everything we screwed up because some things are better left unfixed. Kind of like the old movie “Back to the Future”. If some things weren’t messed up then others would not have happened and then everything would be different but would it be different for the better or for the worse.
Ok lets’ say we had a product that took care of all bad past relationships. “ Poof”… it took care of the relationship part but the other person is still as Asshole or Bitch or whatever else they were that caused the bad relationship. Yep it can take the stain out of an ugly shirt, but damn, it is still an ugly shirt. But what the hell not a bad concept.
BUT WAIT !!!!!!
Now Eddy P has an Amazing Offer just for you !!!
Still having problems with that Asshole that the Tide Pen would not fix…., you can still fix the second part of this with the Amazing Asshole Eraser. That’s right for $$$$$$$$ you can get the Amazing Asshole eraser and make sure that the Asshole is no longer around at all. The Asshole Eraser is shipped to you via plane, train or automobile and looks amazingly human. It comes in a variety of Ethnic variations and comes equipped with a multitude of Fantastic Options for dealing with Assholes including a 44 Magnum for the ultimate wipeout, Nunchuckas, the Tanya knee busters for immobilization rather than elimination, and the Elin autographed Flying Golf Club, among other mass weapons of Asshole destruction. That’s right for a mere $$$$$$$ you can eliminate that problem. But wait there’s more. If you order now you get a CD of the complete Guide to Communicating with the Asshole Eraser in Song. That’s right, Songs made to communicate with your Asshole Eraser Completely Free. The songs include the necessary information to program your Asshole Eraser to take care of the problem, and are cute little jingles to sing while you know the problem is being eliminated. Hit Tunes like “Just kill the SOB” , “Wipe that MF off the face of the earth” and the favorite. “Eliminate Him Now”
Disclaimer: Product not warranted against eventual arrest for Murder, Manslaughter or other Criminal Activity.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
It's Fricking Hot !!!!!!
OK so I moved south 20 years ago to get away from the cold and snow and all the bullshit weather up north in Chicago. Yes, the sunny south where you can pretty much golf year around and never really take out a parka or snow shovel or scarf or gloves.. At least I don’t but of course there are some wimps that do, that’s because they do not know the meaning of the word cold.( I don’t need to mention names but you guys know who you are). Wind blowing in your face that your cheeks feel like they are going to be ripped off at any second as you try to cover your mouth from the cold with a scarf only to find out the moisture from your mouth when you last covered it is now frozen in the scarf and that your beard and mustache have little fricking icicles hanging from them (or are those just frozen snots). Some people down here where gloves when it gets below 30. (WIMPS)
Overall I am so glad about my little experiment and move down here. No Cold, No Ice, No Snow, No Frozen Snots. YEA!!!!! But every once in a while you get a year in which it is just so fricking hot!!! I know it has been hot everywhere this year but come on down here where it has been over 90 for what seems like 1000 days in a row. That’s right a fricking 1000 days. OK so I am exaggerating, but it does seem that way. This really screws with my golf game and that is something that just not need screwing with cuz it is bad enough already. It’s hard to hit a ball with sweat running into your eyes, though your shirt, pants, balls, tits…. That’s right sweat is everywhere and all the time if you are outdoors.
During the summer it is a virtual cesspool of sweat. Really, if you drive down the road and you think you are going through a puddle of water… YOUR WRONG… It is a smelly ole puddle of sweat from someone who was dumb enough to run down the road or walk down it or just stand there. Yes, puddles of sweat everywhere…. and this is in Greenville. If you happen to go to Columbia, SC it is even worse. Everyone down here knows that it is the armpit of the South. And not just because it is home to the South Carolina Gamecocks. It is because it is the most awful, hot, humid, gnat infested place in the South. You literally breath in disgusting gnats when you are trying to do anything down there.
Now that you got me talking about USC, everyone thinks that a Gamecock is a bird, but really the mascot of USC is named after how ones cock smells during the summer in Columbia… Yes Gamey !!!! There we have “Gamecock “fans, the real meaning of your mascot is a smelly ole penis during the hot of summer in the South.
Ok now, sorry for the digression but it had to come out eventually. I know many people probably have thought about that in the past… but I had the balls, and not smelly ones to say it!!!!!!
Now that I got that out in the open, lets talk more about this doggone heat. Yeah. We have all heard the “How hot is it jokes” on late night TV. Yep Letterman gets away with it every single year and uses the same old rehashed jokes over and over and over again. Then his old sidekick who is get balder and balder every year laughs at these rethreads like “ I just fried an egg on the sidewalk or was that on your
bald ass head. “How hot is it Jokes” and then the stupid “ Bada dada” drumbeat that goes along with every dumb and corny joke. I know because people say I should walk around with my own tape recorded drumbeat for some of the corny shit I say all the time. I really think it would be funny to try to fry and egg on Paul Schafers head.
If we are going to have to hear jokes about the heat make them good, because I do not want to waste my time on old jokes. I get to crabby in this fricking heat to have a sense of humor. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep , I have no energy I just want to stay inside and blast the air conditioning, at least the first month until the electric bill comes. Then the rest of the summer I just sit at home in myself made pool of sweat with no air conditioning on and hope I do not turn into a USC fan !!!
Overall I am so glad about my little experiment and move down here. No Cold, No Ice, No Snow, No Frozen Snots. YEA!!!!! But every once in a while you get a year in which it is just so fricking hot!!! I know it has been hot everywhere this year but come on down here where it has been over 90 for what seems like 1000 days in a row. That’s right a fricking 1000 days. OK so I am exaggerating, but it does seem that way. This really screws with my golf game and that is something that just not need screwing with cuz it is bad enough already. It’s hard to hit a ball with sweat running into your eyes, though your shirt, pants, balls, tits…. That’s right sweat is everywhere and all the time if you are outdoors.
During the summer it is a virtual cesspool of sweat. Really, if you drive down the road and you think you are going through a puddle of water… YOUR WRONG… It is a smelly ole puddle of sweat from someone who was dumb enough to run down the road or walk down it or just stand there. Yes, puddles of sweat everywhere…. and this is in Greenville. If you happen to go to Columbia, SC it is even worse. Everyone down here knows that it is the armpit of the South. And not just because it is home to the South Carolina Gamecocks. It is because it is the most awful, hot, humid, gnat infested place in the South. You literally breath in disgusting gnats when you are trying to do anything down there.
Now that you got me talking about USC, everyone thinks that a Gamecock is a bird, but really the mascot of USC is named after how ones cock smells during the summer in Columbia… Yes Gamey !!!! There we have “Gamecock “fans, the real meaning of your mascot is a smelly ole penis during the hot of summer in the South.
Ok now, sorry for the digression but it had to come out eventually. I know many people probably have thought about that in the past… but I had the balls, and not smelly ones to say it!!!!!!
Now that I got that out in the open, lets talk more about this doggone heat. Yeah. We have all heard the “How hot is it jokes” on late night TV. Yep Letterman gets away with it every single year and uses the same old rehashed jokes over and over and over again. Then his old sidekick who is get balder and balder every year laughs at these rethreads like “ I just fried an egg on the sidewalk or was that on your
bald ass head. “How hot is it Jokes” and then the stupid “ Bada dada” drumbeat that goes along with every dumb and corny joke. I know because people say I should walk around with my own tape recorded drumbeat for some of the corny shit I say all the time. I really think it would be funny to try to fry and egg on Paul Schafers head.
If we are going to have to hear jokes about the heat make them good, because I do not want to waste my time on old jokes. I get to crabby in this fricking heat to have a sense of humor. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep , I have no energy I just want to stay inside and blast the air conditioning, at least the first month until the electric bill comes. Then the rest of the summer I just sit at home in myself made pool of sweat with no air conditioning on and hope I do not turn into a USC fan !!!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Conferences – It’s snowing in Orlando
Ok, I admit, not snowing but frickin COLD. How can anyone expect you to enjoy yourself at a conference when it is cold and windy? Oh come on now, we all know that the main reason of any conference we go to is the education and listening to the various speakers, to gather information that can be passed on to others in our companies. In addition we get to network with our customers, potential customers, suppliers and colleagues.
There is some fraction of people who think that all people do at conferences is drink, golf and eat expensive dinners. Let me tell you that most of the people I associate with do not have their first drink till at least noon, especially the past couple of conferences I have been to, because it was too cold during those morning tee times to drink anything but coffee. Besides many people ( of course not me) are too hung-over to even think about drinking till at least noon as their red, squinty eyes closely focus on trying to hit the little white fucking golf ball. So you say, OK what were you doing golfing in the morning anyway if you are supposed to be in the conference? AH HA, that is the morning tee times are for the first day of the conference since you have to be there for afternoon meetings and a cocktail parties in the evening.
Yep, there you go mentioning cocktail parties and drinking, told you that is all you guys do. Wrong, this is called a networking event. You meet people who you already know and network with them about where you want to go to dinner and eat and have more drinks. Then again, you sometimes meet people you have not met before that seem to be fun ( or that you think you can get business from) so you invite them along with the group you networked with before to the dinner to eat and have more drinks or to meet you after you have dinner with the original group you had planned with before. The whole idea is to get as many people together so you can exchange slurred misinformation and bitch about the industry or whatever in general.
Some conferences are tougher to endure than others. I was recently at one in which we had to golf for 3 days straight. Oh I am so sorry you had to endure that pain and suffering of being on the golf course for 3 days. Your damn right Skippy, the first 2 days in Sunny Orlando had us golfing in 40/50 degree temperatures with 40 mile per hour winds. It is very discouraging to hit a golf ball in front of a customer that does not go far because of all the wind in your fricking face. I am convinced that my customers used different golf balls or something because even in the wind they went further than mine. So, you try your best and after a few holes decide the only way to get through this excruciating round is to have a drink and loosen up to forget about how cold you really were.
Sometimes the organizers schedule other events for after the meetings which again are networking events. These are typically at a venue away from the actual conference. Many of these have relatively small indoor venues with extra room on the outside. I know you are thinking, another eating and drinking fest. Well, maybe if you consider that if it is cold during the day on the golf course it is cold as hell freezing over at night trying to drink a drink outside because the limited inside seating has gone too fast because you got there too late because you were out golfing with customers and freezing your ass off already. So you have two choices: Stand up and eat in a little corner, while taking off all clothes you have and still being legal about it because it is hot as hell in the room because there are so many people crammed into a little space or go outside and freeze to get away from the heat and also to find a table to sit at.
You have to regain your sanity and get warm and comfortable someplace, so then a group of colleagues decide let’s go to a club. You now find yourself at place you normally would not go to and on the dance floor doing group dances and pretending to be 20 years younger than you are. After enduring this for a couple of hours you drag yourself back to the hotel barely being able to walk because you frinking shoes were not made for being on a dance floor and your bad ankles were only made to sustain your weight while walking and not doing stuff you did when you were much younger. Needless to say you are one of the first to leave.
Ok now another day of meetings and you notice that somehow the 8 AM early morning sessions are not as full as previous days, but by 10AM the room starts filling up again as the important speakers for the day are not scheduled until late. Hhmmm is this a coincidence? The morning rolls along with the various speakers and for some weird reason the majority of the people in the room are wearing sunglasses. I guess they are just preparing their eyes for another bright and sunny Florida day on the golf course. So, when’s the next conference?????
There is some fraction of people who think that all people do at conferences is drink, golf and eat expensive dinners. Let me tell you that most of the people I associate with do not have their first drink till at least noon, especially the past couple of conferences I have been to, because it was too cold during those morning tee times to drink anything but coffee. Besides many people ( of course not me) are too hung-over to even think about drinking till at least noon as their red, squinty eyes closely focus on trying to hit the little white fucking golf ball. So you say, OK what were you doing golfing in the morning anyway if you are supposed to be in the conference? AH HA, that is the morning tee times are for the first day of the conference since you have to be there for afternoon meetings and a cocktail parties in the evening.
Yep, there you go mentioning cocktail parties and drinking, told you that is all you guys do. Wrong, this is called a networking event. You meet people who you already know and network with them about where you want to go to dinner and eat and have more drinks. Then again, you sometimes meet people you have not met before that seem to be fun ( or that you think you can get business from) so you invite them along with the group you networked with before to the dinner to eat and have more drinks or to meet you after you have dinner with the original group you had planned with before. The whole idea is to get as many people together so you can exchange slurred misinformation and bitch about the industry or whatever in general.
Some conferences are tougher to endure than others. I was recently at one in which we had to golf for 3 days straight. Oh I am so sorry you had to endure that pain and suffering of being on the golf course for 3 days. Your damn right Skippy, the first 2 days in Sunny Orlando had us golfing in 40/50 degree temperatures with 40 mile per hour winds. It is very discouraging to hit a golf ball in front of a customer that does not go far because of all the wind in your fricking face. I am convinced that my customers used different golf balls or something because even in the wind they went further than mine. So, you try your best and after a few holes decide the only way to get through this excruciating round is to have a drink and loosen up to forget about how cold you really were.
Sometimes the organizers schedule other events for after the meetings which again are networking events. These are typically at a venue away from the actual conference. Many of these have relatively small indoor venues with extra room on the outside. I know you are thinking, another eating and drinking fest. Well, maybe if you consider that if it is cold during the day on the golf course it is cold as hell freezing over at night trying to drink a drink outside because the limited inside seating has gone too fast because you got there too late because you were out golfing with customers and freezing your ass off already. So you have two choices: Stand up and eat in a little corner, while taking off all clothes you have and still being legal about it because it is hot as hell in the room because there are so many people crammed into a little space or go outside and freeze to get away from the heat and also to find a table to sit at.
You have to regain your sanity and get warm and comfortable someplace, so then a group of colleagues decide let’s go to a club. You now find yourself at place you normally would not go to and on the dance floor doing group dances and pretending to be 20 years younger than you are. After enduring this for a couple of hours you drag yourself back to the hotel barely being able to walk because you frinking shoes were not made for being on a dance floor and your bad ankles were only made to sustain your weight while walking and not doing stuff you did when you were much younger. Needless to say you are one of the first to leave.
Ok now another day of meetings and you notice that somehow the 8 AM early morning sessions are not as full as previous days, but by 10AM the room starts filling up again as the important speakers for the day are not scheduled until late. Hhmmm is this a coincidence? The morning rolls along with the various speakers and for some weird reason the majority of the people in the room are wearing sunglasses. I guess they are just preparing their eyes for another bright and sunny Florida day on the golf course. So, when’s the next conference?????
Thursday, February 25, 2010
I Can Walk and Fart and Not Break Stride (Dedicated to Uncle Moe)
Yep, that’s about it. Who care’s how old we are getting, if we can still accomplish our goals, then we are not yet ready to kick the bucket or call ourselves old. It takes years of practice to accomplish the above stated goal. I mean just think about it, when we were babies we farted and crapped our pants and really did not think about it cuz we really couldn't think yet, it was a natural reaction. Maybe it was the smell we were looking to accomplish for attention, but if we couldn't think yet then it was not intentional, but just meant to be . As we got a little older like 8,9,10 and early teens it was just farts… yes farts anywhere and everywhere. The louder and more smelly they were the more we laughed at ourselves or at the ones who were taking the brunt of our home made smelliness. “ Come on Pull my finger”…RIP ONE LOUD ONE hahahahahaha.
I mean let’s get serious here, boys were taught that one by our dads and uncles and older brothers. It was also an attempt to piss off our mothers and sisters who would just say “That’s disgusting” and “Stop It” or “What the fuck is that smell” It was and still is the way that men can amuse ourselves. Yes, farting when younger was all about learning how to get on one’s nerves. Now, as to how women learned how to get on men’s nerves, I digress to the above and it was just meant to be, inherent in their genes. Most women are sneaky when it comes to farts, they have also learned that over time, they are the queens of the SBD’s , yep blaming the dog and stuff like that.
Ok so once again I find myself off topic which is not unusual … Ok so getting older men learn not to fart as much and as loud on purpose anymore because it is disgusting as hammered into our heads by our mothers, sisters and wife’s. But we still get out the occasional SBD ( in which we have learned that technique from ???) But as Uncle Moe said, “I can walk and fart and not break stride”. Yes that is only an accomplishments one can do as they get older. It took Uncle Moe 50 years to finally reach that stage, it takes talent and conditioning and many years of practice and experience to reach this level. So my overall premise in everything is that we are not get older, but to use the old cliché “Just getting better”
So yes, this was a disgusting and tasteless example of us not really aging yet, we are still in control of many things that are around us and our bodily functions at least. And when you are really getting old and not just thinking about it you will know. We are told we will revert back to old habits and sometimes like we were a child again, farting and crapping our pants. But of course that “Depends” upon you.
I mean let’s get serious here, boys were taught that one by our dads and uncles and older brothers. It was also an attempt to piss off our mothers and sisters who would just say “That’s disgusting” and “Stop It” or “What the fuck is that smell” It was and still is the way that men can amuse ourselves. Yes, farting when younger was all about learning how to get on one’s nerves. Now, as to how women learned how to get on men’s nerves, I digress to the above and it was just meant to be, inherent in their genes. Most women are sneaky when it comes to farts, they have also learned that over time, they are the queens of the SBD’s , yep blaming the dog and stuff like that.
Ok so once again I find myself off topic which is not unusual … Ok so getting older men learn not to fart as much and as loud on purpose anymore because it is disgusting as hammered into our heads by our mothers, sisters and wife’s. But we still get out the occasional SBD ( in which we have learned that technique from ???) But as Uncle Moe said, “I can walk and fart and not break stride”. Yes that is only an accomplishments one can do as they get older. It took Uncle Moe 50 years to finally reach that stage, it takes talent and conditioning and many years of practice and experience to reach this level. So my overall premise in everything is that we are not get older, but to use the old cliché “Just getting better”
So yes, this was a disgusting and tasteless example of us not really aging yet, we are still in control of many things that are around us and our bodily functions at least. And when you are really getting old and not just thinking about it you will know. We are told we will revert back to old habits and sometimes like we were a child again, farting and crapping our pants. But of course that “Depends” upon you.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
15 Year Old Drivers
It is amazing to me how many expert drivers there are at here at the age of 15, although this happens with little or no experience at all. Now, we may have let them drive around the block a few times or in the subdivision or maybe down that lonely country road that no one uses much, but turning 15 presents a unique phenomena. Now, we know every state has their own laws on age, but you will get my point, no matter what that age is, the behavior is all the same.
Somewhere around the 15th birthday the hype starts with getting a drivers permit. So, on their 15th birthday you have to be at the DMV bright and early before it opens so you can be the first in line because that’s what you have to do cuz that’s what all their friends did. Surprised they don’t want to camp overnight like for concert tickets or something like that. I think mine would have had he thought about asking about it, of course I would have said hell no.
Ok now, the permit is in hand and the voice starts and never stops whenever you are getting ready to go anywhere. Dad, can I drive? Dad, can I drive? Dad, can I drive? And far be it for you to say No…. The whining starts and again does not stop. “Why can’t I drive there, I have my permit?” They have learned intimidation through repetitiveness. It’s kind of like when they were younger and would watch the same movie over and over and over. I think I must know every line and every song to “The Lion King” You try to give them a sound reason why they cannot drive this particular trip and you hear. “Why can’t I drive there, I have my permit?” Somewhere in this time frame they have taken a driver’s education class through school or a private company and they ARE the experts at handling any type of driving situation.
You are now strapped in the passenger’s side of the car which in itself is a scary feeling if you are the one used to doing all the driving. You look for the extra seat belt to strap yourself in double but realize there is only one and you do not want to insult your child by putting on a football helmet just in case. You go into the situation knowing that any constructive criticism you have can just tossed out the frickin window because they do no wrong and your words go in one ear and out the other.
After time, you get used to the situation and soon the badgering starts about cars and this friend and that friend and they just got a brand new car and why can’t we get one and why can’t we get one right now. Trying to be practical is totally out of the frickin question, because practical and 15 just do not correlate. You finally decide to bite the bullet and get a used car for the kid. The fun and internal negotiations start, looking at web sites and cars and small cars and big cars and this pickup truck and that pickup truck and this does not have that and that does not have this and on and on and on and on. You write the check finally for what you believe is the best vehicle based on your losing the negotiations with your child. Children are the best negotiators because they just do not take NO for an answer, at least till you beat the crap out of them, but mine is bigger than me now so he would beat the crap out of me.
So now there is a car but no official license yet, so know you are being chauffeured in their car in which you own. Yea, that makes sense. Finally the day of the driver’s test comes and they have you up as early as a Christmas morning to be first in line at the DMV. School? Who cares about school when it is driver’s license day? Kind of like.. “Badges?. We don’t need no stinkin badges." Some pass first time, some fail and have to wait that week to go back… Man, I feel for those parents.
So, you are now the parent of an official teenage driver. What a rush of mixed emotions and feelings, you should be excited for your child but you really want to puke because your gut is all wrapped up the first time they drive away by themselves to go wherever. However, it took me a few time of going through this to find the solution to the anxiety…… VODKA!!!!!
Somewhere around the 15th birthday the hype starts with getting a drivers permit. So, on their 15th birthday you have to be at the DMV bright and early before it opens so you can be the first in line because that’s what you have to do cuz that’s what all their friends did. Surprised they don’t want to camp overnight like for concert tickets or something like that. I think mine would have had he thought about asking about it, of course I would have said hell no.
Ok now, the permit is in hand and the voice starts and never stops whenever you are getting ready to go anywhere. Dad, can I drive? Dad, can I drive? Dad, can I drive? And far be it for you to say No…. The whining starts and again does not stop. “Why can’t I drive there, I have my permit?” They have learned intimidation through repetitiveness. It’s kind of like when they were younger and would watch the same movie over and over and over. I think I must know every line and every song to “The Lion King” You try to give them a sound reason why they cannot drive this particular trip and you hear. “Why can’t I drive there, I have my permit?” Somewhere in this time frame they have taken a driver’s education class through school or a private company and they ARE the experts at handling any type of driving situation.
You are now strapped in the passenger’s side of the car which in itself is a scary feeling if you are the one used to doing all the driving. You look for the extra seat belt to strap yourself in double but realize there is only one and you do not want to insult your child by putting on a football helmet just in case. You go into the situation knowing that any constructive criticism you have can just tossed out the frickin window because they do no wrong and your words go in one ear and out the other.
After time, you get used to the situation and soon the badgering starts about cars and this friend and that friend and they just got a brand new car and why can’t we get one and why can’t we get one right now. Trying to be practical is totally out of the frickin question, because practical and 15 just do not correlate. You finally decide to bite the bullet and get a used car for the kid. The fun and internal negotiations start, looking at web sites and cars and small cars and big cars and this pickup truck and that pickup truck and this does not have that and that does not have this and on and on and on and on. You write the check finally for what you believe is the best vehicle based on your losing the negotiations with your child. Children are the best negotiators because they just do not take NO for an answer, at least till you beat the crap out of them, but mine is bigger than me now so he would beat the crap out of me.
So now there is a car but no official license yet, so know you are being chauffeured in their car in which you own. Yea, that makes sense. Finally the day of the driver’s test comes and they have you up as early as a Christmas morning to be first in line at the DMV. School? Who cares about school when it is driver’s license day? Kind of like.. “Badges?. We don’t need no stinkin badges." Some pass first time, some fail and have to wait that week to go back… Man, I feel for those parents.
So, you are now the parent of an official teenage driver. What a rush of mixed emotions and feelings, you should be excited for your child but you really want to puke because your gut is all wrapped up the first time they drive away by themselves to go wherever. However, it took me a few time of going through this to find the solution to the anxiety…… VODKA!!!!!
Friday, February 5, 2010
Cell Phones, Texting and Bicycles
Just when you think you have heard it all about the stupid things people do to stay in touch with their friends via texting and emails and all types of mobile communications you hear something that makes you say… WHAT???
Needless to say enough has been written about the dangers of talking on a phone while you are driving, the lack of attention given to the actual traffic or the speed at which you are driving. I must admit I have experienced this myself. I tend to get too involved in some conversations, all of a sudden you look at the speedometer and you are either going 90 if it was something that excited you in the conversation or you would go real slow sometimes actually trying to think about the conversation. I’m glad that I never tried to have phone sex with anyone while driving I can’t bear to think of how fast I would have been driving then. You would definitely have to be using the speaker phone or a blue tooth so to have at least one hand to drive with. I guess the calming thing about if I would have had phone sex in the car is it would have only lasted a minute or so.
Ok so talking on the phone is one thing, but how about texting and emails. We try to drive and look at the road while at the same time reading a message and then manipulating our fingers on that tiny keyboard to answer an important question or just to BS with a friend. WOW… so much more dangerous than just talking. Now we are actually doing something which takes a part of our brain away from what we are supposed to be doing, and if you don’t’ have much of a brain to begin with it is really taking it to the edge. I mean talking on the phone is almost like talking to the person next to you in the car. The most dangerous part of talking on the cell phone besides getting excited and stuff is typing the fricking phone number on that tiny keyboard. But yes, now let’s just text our way through the whole trip and not look at the road while we are doing it. I know I am just going on a bit of a rant here but come on people. Yes I am somewhat guilty here too, but mostly I just read the messages and then answer later or just call the damn person instead.
Enough said about the regular everyday cell phone or text messaging while driving. Here is the one that got me to say WHAT. Yes, text messaging while riding a bicycle. How the hell do you do that one and how stupid do you have to be to try? I guess you would steer the bike one handed or ride with no hands like we did when we were kids trying to show off in front of the little girls, while holding the phone and texting with the other hand. Now admit it, that does take some skill. Wow, I can just see smashing into all kind of stuff if I were doing that. I would be driving crooked and out of the bike lane if there was one. Not braking on time and smashing into the back of cars. It takes some balls to pull that one off at all. Maybe they should design a bike with an extended metal piece coming up from one side of the handle and a place on it to put your cell phone so you can text that way. I guess it takes some balls to even think about texting and riding a bike, so I think lets name this new bicycle” Textcycle”. Perfect name since only dickheads would be riding one anyway!
Needless to say enough has been written about the dangers of talking on a phone while you are driving, the lack of attention given to the actual traffic or the speed at which you are driving. I must admit I have experienced this myself. I tend to get too involved in some conversations, all of a sudden you look at the speedometer and you are either going 90 if it was something that excited you in the conversation or you would go real slow sometimes actually trying to think about the conversation. I’m glad that I never tried to have phone sex with anyone while driving I can’t bear to think of how fast I would have been driving then. You would definitely have to be using the speaker phone or a blue tooth so to have at least one hand to drive with. I guess the calming thing about if I would have had phone sex in the car is it would have only lasted a minute or so.
Ok so talking on the phone is one thing, but how about texting and emails. We try to drive and look at the road while at the same time reading a message and then manipulating our fingers on that tiny keyboard to answer an important question or just to BS with a friend. WOW… so much more dangerous than just talking. Now we are actually doing something which takes a part of our brain away from what we are supposed to be doing, and if you don’t’ have much of a brain to begin with it is really taking it to the edge. I mean talking on the phone is almost like talking to the person next to you in the car. The most dangerous part of talking on the cell phone besides getting excited and stuff is typing the fricking phone number on that tiny keyboard. But yes, now let’s just text our way through the whole trip and not look at the road while we are doing it. I know I am just going on a bit of a rant here but come on people. Yes I am somewhat guilty here too, but mostly I just read the messages and then answer later or just call the damn person instead.
Enough said about the regular everyday cell phone or text messaging while driving. Here is the one that got me to say WHAT. Yes, text messaging while riding a bicycle. How the hell do you do that one and how stupid do you have to be to try? I guess you would steer the bike one handed or ride with no hands like we did when we were kids trying to show off in front of the little girls, while holding the phone and texting with the other hand. Now admit it, that does take some skill. Wow, I can just see smashing into all kind of stuff if I were doing that. I would be driving crooked and out of the bike lane if there was one. Not braking on time and smashing into the back of cars. It takes some balls to pull that one off at all. Maybe they should design a bike with an extended metal piece coming up from one side of the handle and a place on it to put your cell phone so you can text that way. I guess it takes some balls to even think about texting and riding a bike, so I think lets name this new bicycle” Textcycle”. Perfect name since only dickheads would be riding one anyway!
Doomy and Gloomy People
I hate doom and gloom people. Why are they that way? Man, I think they are just a bunch of neglected people and by being doomy and gloomy they get attention from others wondering what the frick is their problem. Reminds me of that old story “Chicken Little” and the sky is falling, the skt is falling. Not to be confused with Tattoo from Fantasy Island saying “De Plane De Plane”. Doomy and Gloomy people like to start controversy by bringing up such doomy and gloomy opinions on life, the world, the economy, the recession, the crack in their ass is too big, their penises are too small, they hate the sun, they hate the clouds , they hate the winter, they hate the summer.
Well, I frickin hate them too. If I wanted to hear nothing but doom and gloom all I really have to do is put on the news. Yes news people I think are naturally doomy and gloomy. It is a requirement of them getting their jobs. They put on their big smiles and all the crap. But they have to make any little problem in the world bigger than life and sensationalize it. Yes, probably this is from the writers and it gets ratings and attention which lead to more advertisers and more money for the televisions or radio station or the syndicated doom and gloom guy who is selling his BS stories to radio stations across the country because most people love to hear gloom and doom
Remember the sentiment earlier this year; it went something like this every night on the evening news. The world is going to end because the recession is never going to stop because people do not want to buy cars from bankrupt companies because they will never ever be able to get them serviced again and there will be no parts available to fix the cars with, and gas prices will be so high that no one can afford to drive and we will all be peddling our bicycles to work if there are even any jobs left to go to because all the manufacturing is leaving to be built in Yugoslavia.. blah blah blah…. Yes, like I believe all the crap. But the sad part is that many people will believe any line of crap that they here on television because all television people are Gods and they know it all.
I believe we have become a nation that thrives on the negative news we here and then because so many people talk about the negative, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I think leaders in our communities, the press and other politicians should have a positive attitude toward life and the situations we find ourselves in. I mean, come on now, the media is the master of the “spin anyway so why not spend some time being creative and put a positive spin on all the negative crap that does go on. Who knows if people start talking positively, then maybe that could become a self fulfilling prophecy also and then sings would all be better and we can have a Pollyanna world once again in which everything is good once again.
Ok so that would not be perfect either, but it would definitely be better than the constant negativism coming out of our media and politicians all the time.
I think the solution to the problem for these people is that we just have to surgically remove the shoe that has been jammed up their asses which makes them unhappy and their need to spread this unhappiness with the world. I guess if I had a shoe jammed up my ass I would be extremely unhappy also. So, Ok… Here ya go… what they really need to do is get that shoe out of their ass and just get fricking laid more often. I know getting laid always puts me in a better mood…………at least until I fall asleep… which you know if I think about it… Is a much better way to fall asleep than to do so just watching the news.
Well, I frickin hate them too. If I wanted to hear nothing but doom and gloom all I really have to do is put on the news. Yes news people I think are naturally doomy and gloomy. It is a requirement of them getting their jobs. They put on their big smiles and all the crap. But they have to make any little problem in the world bigger than life and sensationalize it. Yes, probably this is from the writers and it gets ratings and attention which lead to more advertisers and more money for the televisions or radio station or the syndicated doom and gloom guy who is selling his BS stories to radio stations across the country because most people love to hear gloom and doom
Remember the sentiment earlier this year; it went something like this every night on the evening news. The world is going to end because the recession is never going to stop because people do not want to buy cars from bankrupt companies because they will never ever be able to get them serviced again and there will be no parts available to fix the cars with, and gas prices will be so high that no one can afford to drive and we will all be peddling our bicycles to work if there are even any jobs left to go to because all the manufacturing is leaving to be built in Yugoslavia.. blah blah blah…. Yes, like I believe all the crap. But the sad part is that many people will believe any line of crap that they here on television because all television people are Gods and they know it all.
I believe we have become a nation that thrives on the negative news we here and then because so many people talk about the negative, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I think leaders in our communities, the press and other politicians should have a positive attitude toward life and the situations we find ourselves in. I mean, come on now, the media is the master of the “spin anyway so why not spend some time being creative and put a positive spin on all the negative crap that does go on. Who knows if people start talking positively, then maybe that could become a self fulfilling prophecy also and then sings would all be better and we can have a Pollyanna world once again in which everything is good once again.
Ok so that would not be perfect either, but it would definitely be better than the constant negativism coming out of our media and politicians all the time.
I think the solution to the problem for these people is that we just have to surgically remove the shoe that has been jammed up their asses which makes them unhappy and their need to spread this unhappiness with the world. I guess if I had a shoe jammed up my ass I would be extremely unhappy also. So, Ok… Here ya go… what they really need to do is get that shoe out of their ass and just get fricking laid more often. I know getting laid always puts me in a better mood…………at least until I fall asleep… which you know if I think about it… Is a much better way to fall asleep than to do so just watching the news.
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