What about that decision on the Olympics. Well as we all know Chicago lost this one big time. But what else is new for Chicagoans, I mean they are used to losing almost everything all the time anyway.Yes, they had the Super Bowl way back in the 1986 and the Bulls won an amazing 6 Championships in the 90’s and lastly the White Sox won the World Series in 2005. But look at the percentages if you consider the major franchises Bulls, Cubs, White Sox, Bears, Blackhawks. So in the last 25 years there have been 125 Championships that would have been available to Chicago Teams and they have one 8. This gives a winning percentage of 6.4%. We all know if we go back further in time this percentage just keeps shrinking and shrinking, just the anti thesis of the energizer bunny the keeps going and going.. yes Chicago Teams just also keep going and going and losing and losing.
So is it really a surprise that Chicago lost its attempt to get the Olympics. It was in typical Chicago fashion and flair that everyone got all hyped up about nothing. So you had the choice of Tokyo, Chicago, Madrid and Rio. Who the frick really cares that Oprah goes to Copenhagen with Mrs. Obama as the final push. Every time I hear Oprahs’ name I think of her production company name which is Harpo and then I think of the Marx Brothers and Harpo Marx who were great comedians and it is ironic that it is a joke that everyone hails and bows down to Queen Oprah. Yes she is the know all and do all and everyone in the world is supposed to listen to her because she can part the waters of the Nile River. Yes, Oprah can solve the world’s problems and get Chicago the Olympics at the same time. Nope, not this time.
Who is really to blame for this, well the press has it that the Asian Nations ganged up and decided to get Chicago out in the first round. Other reports say that the IOC was insulted that Mr. Obama felt that only 3 hours of his precious valuable time were spent in the last ditch effort to try and rally support for Chicago. Just like all of our sports teams, we thought we had it in the bag like in the last Super Bowl and instead of that missed touchdown pass by Rex Grossman we got the 3 hour drill by Obama.
Think of the reality of Chicago hosting the Olympics, in many ways I think the cultural diversity of Chicago and the melting pot of ethnic neighborhoods would have been a great sell if they actually used that in their marketing of the city, but who knows what they did unless you are Oprah and privy to all that info. I think they should have used the Chicago Hot Dog as a selling point. Where else in the world can you get the best hot dog. You know the juicy Vienna Hot Dogs on poppy seed buns with mustard, glow in the dark green relish, sport peppers, onions, tomatoes, pickles and celery salt.. MMMM… the world is really missing out on those. Yes, the food…. Who cares about the sports but the food would have been great for the world to experience. Much better than the damn sushi you would have gotten in Tokyo or the Paella in Spain… But then again there are the beaches of Rio. As a sports fan which are typically males, would you rather have the chance to eat world class food or go to the beaches of Rio.
Yes… Rio Wins !!!!
Friday, February 5, 2010
Water Ski Jumping Raccoon Zombies
It was a hot summer night and the raccoons were restless. They had been sleeping most of the day and were getting ready for their nightly run though the neighborhood garbage cans to see what the locals had thrown out after dinner. Joshie the leader of the raccoons was the first to tip over a garbage can. He rummaged through the stuff looking for that perfect morsel to chew on. Upon tipping over his 10th garbage can of the night he found what
looked like to be a perfectly good piece of steak. He took the steak and scurried off and hid under a boat dock near the house where he had tipped the can. He anxiously devoured the steak and took a nap under the dock.
Upon waking up he noticed that his friends Stevie, Crew, Ajay were also asleep and there were more scraps of the steak all around. He kind of woke up in a daze and his eyes were extremely red. It looked weird with the black under his glazy red eyes. As the others woke they had red eyes too. They quickly devoured the rest of the scraps of steak.
It was now about 3AM and the group started off on their next food run. However, they all did not feel well, they were confused and kept bumping into things but continued on. Their vision was blurred and they ended up near the edge of the river. There was an uneasy feeling around the entire group. In the distance they saw a shadow and uncharacteristically slowly approached the figure which was a fisherman getting his gear ready for an early morning fishing trip.
All of a sudden Joshie rushed the fisherman and the rest of the pack followed. They attacked the poor man until he laid lifeless on the deck of his boat. They then devoured his body until there was nothing but bones left. What had happened?? They were no longer afraid of the humans. They went on without their usual sleep and attacked 4 more humans during the course of the day. They were in a hypnotic state and could not get enough human meat. They had become a pack of Raccoon Zombies wandering through the town looking for their next victims.
The word spread and the people near town were now arming themselves against the Raccoons, they were shooting guns at them but it did not work, it was as if they developed super human powers from eating the flesh of the humans. They rummaged the town eating and killing everything in sight and the seemed to be no end to this total destruction.
On the second night after turning into Zombies they found a boat and hotwired the ignition. The Raccoons had decided to go on a joyride. They took the boat up and down the river hitting boat ramps made for the water skiing show and flying the boat through the air. Now they were just getting daring as they found skis in the back of the boat. They decided to each take turns and were now waterskiing through the river at out of control speeds. Ajay took a ramp and did a triple summersault while in the air. He hit the dock hard head first and was now lifeless. The others did not care and it was now Crews’ turn. Joshie was driving the boat and decided to do 360’s while Crew was on the skis… the ski rope got tied up in Crews neck and he was strangled. Joshie thought who cares and was now even more out of control. Yes… More food for me, I do not have to share eating the humans any more were the thoughts racing through his head. Stevie realized that Joshie was out of control and found a golf club in the back of the boat. He attacked Joshie with it while the boat was running out of control at over 120 miles per hour. In the midst of the fight the boat rammed into the deck and erupted into a huge ball of flame.
Both of the remaining Raccoons crawled out of the boat and were dazed again. The red was out of their eyes and they were not sure of what had happened. Neither one said anything to the other as they scampered through the woods for days and nights. They finally settled and found a golf course far away from the town they were in to hide in. They were last seen chasing balls through the woods.
looked like to be a perfectly good piece of steak. He took the steak and scurried off and hid under a boat dock near the house where he had tipped the can. He anxiously devoured the steak and took a nap under the dock.
Upon waking up he noticed that his friends Stevie, Crew, Ajay were also asleep and there were more scraps of the steak all around. He kind of woke up in a daze and his eyes were extremely red. It looked weird with the black under his glazy red eyes. As the others woke they had red eyes too. They quickly devoured the rest of the scraps of steak.
It was now about 3AM and the group started off on their next food run. However, they all did not feel well, they were confused and kept bumping into things but continued on. Their vision was blurred and they ended up near the edge of the river. There was an uneasy feeling around the entire group. In the distance they saw a shadow and uncharacteristically slowly approached the figure which was a fisherman getting his gear ready for an early morning fishing trip.
All of a sudden Joshie rushed the fisherman and the rest of the pack followed. They attacked the poor man until he laid lifeless on the deck of his boat. They then devoured his body until there was nothing but bones left. What had happened?? They were no longer afraid of the humans. They went on without their usual sleep and attacked 4 more humans during the course of the day. They were in a hypnotic state and could not get enough human meat. They had become a pack of Raccoon Zombies wandering through the town looking for their next victims.
The word spread and the people near town were now arming themselves against the Raccoons, they were shooting guns at them but it did not work, it was as if they developed super human powers from eating the flesh of the humans. They rummaged the town eating and killing everything in sight and the seemed to be no end to this total destruction.
On the second night after turning into Zombies they found a boat and hotwired the ignition. The Raccoons had decided to go on a joyride. They took the boat up and down the river hitting boat ramps made for the water skiing show and flying the boat through the air. Now they were just getting daring as they found skis in the back of the boat. They decided to each take turns and were now waterskiing through the river at out of control speeds. Ajay took a ramp and did a triple summersault while in the air. He hit the dock hard head first and was now lifeless. The others did not care and it was now Crews’ turn. Joshie was driving the boat and decided to do 360’s while Crew was on the skis… the ski rope got tied up in Crews neck and he was strangled. Joshie thought who cares and was now even more out of control. Yes… More food for me, I do not have to share eating the humans any more were the thoughts racing through his head. Stevie realized that Joshie was out of control and found a golf club in the back of the boat. He attacked Joshie with it while the boat was running out of control at over 120 miles per hour. In the midst of the fight the boat rammed into the deck and erupted into a huge ball of flame.
Both of the remaining Raccoons crawled out of the boat and were dazed again. The red was out of their eyes and they were not sure of what had happened. Neither one said anything to the other as they scampered through the woods for days and nights. They finally settled and found a golf course far away from the town they were in to hide in. They were last seen chasing balls through the woods.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Growing up Polish
What a revelation, to be 8 or 10 years old and figure out that you have been the brunt of the jokes about everything that anyone stupid would do. It’s absolutely devastating to learn it is going to take you and 4 friends to change a light bulb when you get old enough to do it! Then you find out that some of the kid’s are public’s and don’t’ have to go to Catholic Schools and wear the stupid little uniforms. No I did not have to wear the skirt since I am a guy but we had to wear shirts and ties and be perfect little gentlemen or else the big bad Nun would kick your butt or hit your hand with the ruler or paddle your ass with a ping pong paddle. Not that anything like that happened to me but I heard about it!
OK so let’s get to the point. Polish families back when I was growing up were normally huge. This is why I cannot really figure how many cousins I have. Ok my dad came from a family of 13. (Bakers Dozen, go figure my grandpa was a baker) My mom came from a family of seven. Now they all had kids and now their kids have had kids and even some of the kids’ kids have had kids. I was not joking in a previous article when I said it could be 500 or so. That is not counting my grandfathers and grandmothers brothers and sisters who had kids and etc… I would probably not recognizer 90% of my cousins if I just saw them on the street.
Most Polish people were devote Catholics which is why we all went to the Catholic Schools and had to wear the funky uniforms. That is also the reason for the huge families, since devote Catholics follow the strict Catholic orders they did not use birth control, but loved to screw. So therefore they just like popped out a kid every year right after the wife was done giving birth to the previous one. This went on and on every year for what seems like forever until they just could not have any anymore.
With so many kids around there were bound to the Weddings, yes the Polish Wedding just one of the many reasons we have thought up of to get drunk. Polish people get drunk whenever we have an occasion to, weddings, funerals, birthday parties, graduation parties. We probably went to some kind of party every week. However, the best ere the Weddings, a good Polish Wedding could last for days. It would start the Friday of the Wedding and go until sometime on Sunday or whenever all the booze ran out. As a kid you would have to watch out for the older Aunts at the Weddings because since there was a band, there were Polka’s. Yes, they would grab you right out of your seat, and say let’s Polka. All of all sudden you are on the dance floor listening and dancing to crap like “She’s’ to fat for me Polka” or” Beer barrel Polka” or the “I’m gonna puke on the floor soon Polka” Well anyway these old Aunts would pretty much just drag you around the dance floor and make sure you learned how to Polka because every good little Polish boy needs to learn how to Polka so he can dance with his Polish Wife at their Polish wedding which would also last for days. So we would go to Wedding and Polka and drink. Back then, it was no issue drinking a beer or something at a young age, you would just go the bar and order for the table and get yourself one too.. Hell, we were Polish and that’s what we did, we drank. Of course it was always in moderation (yeah right).
I could never figure it out, but we always had a party after a funeral, everyone would be somber during church and then we would go to a banquet hall and eat and drink in memory of the deceased. There would always be a toast. But then we would go back to our business of eating and drinking in memory of our lost loved one. I guess maybe since so much time was spent doing that during one’s life that it is the best way to talk about the memories. Well enough of the somberness.
There was always food everywhere, we knew how to eat and did the sausages, and pierogi and sauerkraut and soups and beef and this and that and this and that. Always a celebration. It was so loud at most of the parties on purpose because all the food was so gassy it made you fart. But no one heard the farts because there was so much noise and no one complained about the smell because they were farting too. So we danced and ate and drank and farted all the way through growing up.
Yes. There are a thousand stories I can tell and go on and on about being and growing up Polish. But I’ll wait for another time as the light bulb just went out in my computer room and I have to call the guys so they can turn the ladder.
OK so let’s get to the point. Polish families back when I was growing up were normally huge. This is why I cannot really figure how many cousins I have. Ok my dad came from a family of 13. (Bakers Dozen, go figure my grandpa was a baker) My mom came from a family of seven. Now they all had kids and now their kids have had kids and even some of the kids’ kids have had kids. I was not joking in a previous article when I said it could be 500 or so. That is not counting my grandfathers and grandmothers brothers and sisters who had kids and etc… I would probably not recognizer 90% of my cousins if I just saw them on the street.
Most Polish people were devote Catholics which is why we all went to the Catholic Schools and had to wear the funky uniforms. That is also the reason for the huge families, since devote Catholics follow the strict Catholic orders they did not use birth control, but loved to screw. So therefore they just like popped out a kid every year right after the wife was done giving birth to the previous one. This went on and on every year for what seems like forever until they just could not have any anymore.
With so many kids around there were bound to the Weddings, yes the Polish Wedding just one of the many reasons we have thought up of to get drunk. Polish people get drunk whenever we have an occasion to, weddings, funerals, birthday parties, graduation parties. We probably went to some kind of party every week. However, the best ere the Weddings, a good Polish Wedding could last for days. It would start the Friday of the Wedding and go until sometime on Sunday or whenever all the booze ran out. As a kid you would have to watch out for the older Aunts at the Weddings because since there was a band, there were Polka’s. Yes, they would grab you right out of your seat, and say let’s Polka. All of all sudden you are on the dance floor listening and dancing to crap like “She’s’ to fat for me Polka” or” Beer barrel Polka” or the “I’m gonna puke on the floor soon Polka” Well anyway these old Aunts would pretty much just drag you around the dance floor and make sure you learned how to Polka because every good little Polish boy needs to learn how to Polka so he can dance with his Polish Wife at their Polish wedding which would also last for days. So we would go to Wedding and Polka and drink. Back then, it was no issue drinking a beer or something at a young age, you would just go the bar and order for the table and get yourself one too.. Hell, we were Polish and that’s what we did, we drank. Of course it was always in moderation (yeah right).
I could never figure it out, but we always had a party after a funeral, everyone would be somber during church and then we would go to a banquet hall and eat and drink in memory of the deceased. There would always be a toast. But then we would go back to our business of eating and drinking in memory of our lost loved one. I guess maybe since so much time was spent doing that during one’s life that it is the best way to talk about the memories. Well enough of the somberness.
There was always food everywhere, we knew how to eat and did the sausages, and pierogi and sauerkraut and soups and beef and this and that and this and that. Always a celebration. It was so loud at most of the parties on purpose because all the food was so gassy it made you fart. But no one heard the farts because there was so much noise and no one complained about the smell because they were farting too. So we danced and ate and drank and farted all the way through growing up.
Yes. There are a thousand stories I can tell and go on and on about being and growing up Polish. But I’ll wait for another time as the light bulb just went out in my computer room and I have to call the guys so they can turn the ladder.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Irritating Stuff
One of my 500 or so cousins was talking the other day about some lady in her office with high heels on that made load noises whenever she walked around. Was she doing it on purpose? Did she know she was making that noise? Well yes of course she did, people are most often irritating on purpose because they either want to get attention or want to piss you off. Then again, there are those who have no clue they are being irritating because they are just too dumb or self involved to realize that what they are doing effects other people.
I don’t know about you but there is a myriad of stiff that irritates me (and I am not talking about being irritated where you are scratching where people don’t want to see you scratching) It would take forever to go through the entire list of stuff that irritates me and pisses me off about others behavior so I will just go with a couple here. Do you remember the sound of fingernails scratching the blackboard in school or the sound of metal scraping the concrete. Those were irritating sound but not necessarily irritating habits. Gum popping irritates the hell out of me. Just like I would like to have told my cousin to shove the high heels up that lady’s butt, I would like to take the gum from gum poppers and put it in the hair. Yeah now that would be irritating for them to get that gum out of their hair. Call me vindictive but I say and eye for an eye or a tooth for a tooth a heel in the butt and gum in the hair. Now not to get into a battle, my wife occasional forgets this bothers me and pops her gum. I will not put the gum in her hair because she would then kick my ass and I don’t want that to happen.
I think one of the most irritating things that can happen are interruptions when you are doing something no matter what it is that you are doing. You totally lose your concentration and often times your complete train of thought when this happens. Of course many people have said I never have ever had a complete thought in my head and that is so true because people won’t leave me alone and then I forget what my thought was when they ask me what I was doing or thinking about. DUUHHH.
Yes it makes anyone look like a complete dumbass. My answer to this is to turn it completely around on the person who interrupted you to make them look like a dumbass and feel embarrassed. So, the next time you are interrupted by some stupid ass fool who has no regard for the genius of thought that you are currently working on you have to get them back. Now that will all depend upon the situation you are in.
Let’s do a scenario here. Ok you are the boss and are working on a project in your office. Someone comes to the door and interrupts you. Look at them and say, hang on one second I was just working on this memo about your insubordination and I want to complete it before we talk. Ok now, what was that you wanted you stupid ignorant SOB.
Another irritating thing is people who do not let you get a word in edgewise and talk over you even though you started before them. I think you should start talking about the affair you are having with his wife or her husband or whatever to try and catch them off guard. I don’t know, again I am just babbling out loud here. Oh no!! Here is another one. People who babble about nothing and actually don’t know anything or anything about the topic that they are talking about. That is when I just make shit up about their topic and pretend I am an expert just to shut them dumb asses up. Yes I know all about thermo nuclear physical therapy methods and their use in correcting lower back spasms. It is because the thermometer reaches a certain temperature when heated up in the nuclear elements used in the backspectangular that we treat the lower back with. Yeah… see what they say about that one.
Some stuff irritating to one is not irritating to others. So I say let’s all just irritate the hell out of each other as we do everyday anyway, but just don’t put up with that crap. Come up with a way to get back at that irritating person. Remember were Mad as Hell and were not going to take it anymore!!!!
.
I don’t know about you but there is a myriad of stiff that irritates me (and I am not talking about being irritated where you are scratching where people don’t want to see you scratching) It would take forever to go through the entire list of stuff that irritates me and pisses me off about others behavior so I will just go with a couple here. Do you remember the sound of fingernails scratching the blackboard in school or the sound of metal scraping the concrete. Those were irritating sound but not necessarily irritating habits. Gum popping irritates the hell out of me. Just like I would like to have told my cousin to shove the high heels up that lady’s butt, I would like to take the gum from gum poppers and put it in the hair. Yeah now that would be irritating for them to get that gum out of their hair. Call me vindictive but I say and eye for an eye or a tooth for a tooth a heel in the butt and gum in the hair. Now not to get into a battle, my wife occasional forgets this bothers me and pops her gum. I will not put the gum in her hair because she would then kick my ass and I don’t want that to happen.
I think one of the most irritating things that can happen are interruptions when you are doing something no matter what it is that you are doing. You totally lose your concentration and often times your complete train of thought when this happens. Of course many people have said I never have ever had a complete thought in my head and that is so true because people won’t leave me alone and then I forget what my thought was when they ask me what I was doing or thinking about. DUUHHH.
Yes it makes anyone look like a complete dumbass. My answer to this is to turn it completely around on the person who interrupted you to make them look like a dumbass and feel embarrassed. So, the next time you are interrupted by some stupid ass fool who has no regard for the genius of thought that you are currently working on you have to get them back. Now that will all depend upon the situation you are in.
Let’s do a scenario here. Ok you are the boss and are working on a project in your office. Someone comes to the door and interrupts you. Look at them and say, hang on one second I was just working on this memo about your insubordination and I want to complete it before we talk. Ok now, what was that you wanted you stupid ignorant SOB.
Another irritating thing is people who do not let you get a word in edgewise and talk over you even though you started before them. I think you should start talking about the affair you are having with his wife or her husband or whatever to try and catch them off guard. I don’t know, again I am just babbling out loud here. Oh no!! Here is another one. People who babble about nothing and actually don’t know anything or anything about the topic that they are talking about. That is when I just make shit up about their topic and pretend I am an expert just to shut them dumb asses up. Yes I know all about thermo nuclear physical therapy methods and their use in correcting lower back spasms. It is because the thermometer reaches a certain temperature when heated up in the nuclear elements used in the backspectangular that we treat the lower back with. Yeah… see what they say about that one.
Some stuff irritating to one is not irritating to others. So I say let’s all just irritate the hell out of each other as we do everyday anyway, but just don’t put up with that crap. Come up with a way to get back at that irritating person. Remember were Mad as Hell and were not going to take it anymore!!!!
.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Interpreting Teenagers - The Masters of Deception
You know, as adults we run into all types of situations everyday in a variety of circumstances. There is stuff going on at work, at home, on the golf course or wherever you spend a lot of your time. Every situation of job has its’ own terminologies that we have to understand. Like if you are a computer person, you and your coworkers talk in computer geekish terms like megabytes, gigabytes, RAM, this computer bytes, bite my byte and you know where you can RAM that hard drive.
So that’s one situation. Now let’s talk about how to understand teenagers. Yes, they have their own language they talk with their friends which I will not even begin to try and decipher because those terms change on a day to day basis. You know when I was growing up we used terms like cool, neat, you asshole, dickhead. When you liked someone, you were dating or going steady. In those times girls dated boys and boys dated girls. We tried to have one on one dates most of the time and an occasional double date was OK. Now it is different, they hang out in groups and have date nights although they just hang out in groups, watch movies and you never know who is with who because it switches from day to day. Oh the Drama, the gossip, the heartbreak, it’s all still there but just in a different format. I just can’t keep up with the things they say and do when it comes to their friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, etc. so I just go into the other room and drink a full glass of vodka while my wife tries to interpret things and explain stuff to me later.
However, there are some things about teenagers and the things they say and do that I can understand and that is in their communication regarding things around the home. It has taken many years of training to understand, but in the long run I think I got it. ( NOT) Never assume you have it when it comes to these almost adult beings who again I remind you are here to cause us all anguish and anxiety until they leave for college and sometimes even while in school and afterward.
Here are several examples of things they will say and what they really mean.
Dad: Can you bring these clean clothes up to your room. - Teenager: Sure in a few minutes. (It will not get done for a couple more days and more conversations about bringing it upstairs until you finally threaten them with their lives)
Mom: Did you clean your room – Teenager: Yes (Everything is hidden under the bed or in closets, the dirty clothes are mixed with the clean ones that did not go in the drawers and everything will eventually have to be rewashed.)
Mom: Bring down your dirty clothes – Teenager: Sure in a few minutes (They will only bring them down right before it is time to go to bed, they will only bring down 1 pair of pants and 1 shirt and will inform you that this is what they want to wear to school tomorrow)
Before I go into a couple more examples please note that they will use the same answer for different questions. These most common answers are (1) yes and (2) in a few minutes.
Mom: Don’t eat that now, we are having dinner in 1 hour and then you won’t finish dinner. Teenager: But I’m hungry now and I promise I’ll still eat dinner. ( No I won’t really finish dinner but I need to feed the beast now)
Dad: Be home by 9:00 PM Teenager: OK ( I will call at 8:45 and say we are watching a movie and get to stay out until 10:00 or 11:00)
Dad: Did you finish all your homework. Teenager: Yes (Except the ones I did not want to try to do because it is cutting into my Xbox time)
Mom: When are you going to study for your test? Teenager: We reviewed it all in class. (I’m too smart to need to study I know this crap)
The list can go on and on, but you get my drift here. They say one thing but really mean another. They are in training to be the future politicians of the world. I mean, come on double talk has been around forever and that will never change. So it is best to try and understand things from the perspective that whatever is said is not really what is said but to figure out what it all means in a realistic sense.
As I sit here in front of the computer typing away, my mind wanders to the things I have said in the past but meant other things myself. I promise to keep this clean but you can use your imagination as you think of ones on your own. My old classic favorites “One more for the road” or “This is my final final”. Yes two ways of saying the exact same thing which really means “this is in no way my last drink but I’ll pretend it is.” You see as we get older we are more experienced than the teenagers as we have been doing it for so long that we have now come up with multiple ways to say the same thing which means something totally opposite of what we have said.
Our teenagers may think they are the masters of deception, but they don’t realize we have been there, done that and can do it better than them with our eyes closed. Oh yes and I promise I will come straight home after golfing with my buddies next week.(of course after that 2 hour 19th hole)
So that’s one situation. Now let’s talk about how to understand teenagers. Yes, they have their own language they talk with their friends which I will not even begin to try and decipher because those terms change on a day to day basis. You know when I was growing up we used terms like cool, neat, you asshole, dickhead. When you liked someone, you were dating or going steady. In those times girls dated boys and boys dated girls. We tried to have one on one dates most of the time and an occasional double date was OK. Now it is different, they hang out in groups and have date nights although they just hang out in groups, watch movies and you never know who is with who because it switches from day to day. Oh the Drama, the gossip, the heartbreak, it’s all still there but just in a different format. I just can’t keep up with the things they say and do when it comes to their friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, etc. so I just go into the other room and drink a full glass of vodka while my wife tries to interpret things and explain stuff to me later.
However, there are some things about teenagers and the things they say and do that I can understand and that is in their communication regarding things around the home. It has taken many years of training to understand, but in the long run I think I got it. ( NOT) Never assume you have it when it comes to these almost adult beings who again I remind you are here to cause us all anguish and anxiety until they leave for college and sometimes even while in school and afterward.
Here are several examples of things they will say and what they really mean.
Dad: Can you bring these clean clothes up to your room. - Teenager: Sure in a few minutes. (It will not get done for a couple more days and more conversations about bringing it upstairs until you finally threaten them with their lives)
Mom: Did you clean your room – Teenager: Yes (Everything is hidden under the bed or in closets, the dirty clothes are mixed with the clean ones that did not go in the drawers and everything will eventually have to be rewashed.)
Mom: Bring down your dirty clothes – Teenager: Sure in a few minutes (They will only bring them down right before it is time to go to bed, they will only bring down 1 pair of pants and 1 shirt and will inform you that this is what they want to wear to school tomorrow)
Before I go into a couple more examples please note that they will use the same answer for different questions. These most common answers are (1) yes and (2) in a few minutes.
Mom: Don’t eat that now, we are having dinner in 1 hour and then you won’t finish dinner. Teenager: But I’m hungry now and I promise I’ll still eat dinner. ( No I won’t really finish dinner but I need to feed the beast now)
Dad: Be home by 9:00 PM Teenager: OK ( I will call at 8:45 and say we are watching a movie and get to stay out until 10:00 or 11:00)
Dad: Did you finish all your homework. Teenager: Yes (Except the ones I did not want to try to do because it is cutting into my Xbox time)
Mom: When are you going to study for your test? Teenager: We reviewed it all in class. (I’m too smart to need to study I know this crap)
The list can go on and on, but you get my drift here. They say one thing but really mean another. They are in training to be the future politicians of the world. I mean, come on double talk has been around forever and that will never change. So it is best to try and understand things from the perspective that whatever is said is not really what is said but to figure out what it all means in a realistic sense.
As I sit here in front of the computer typing away, my mind wanders to the things I have said in the past but meant other things myself. I promise to keep this clean but you can use your imagination as you think of ones on your own. My old classic favorites “One more for the road” or “This is my final final”. Yes two ways of saying the exact same thing which really means “this is in no way my last drink but I’ll pretend it is.” You see as we get older we are more experienced than the teenagers as we have been doing it for so long that we have now come up with multiple ways to say the same thing which means something totally opposite of what we have said.
Our teenagers may think they are the masters of deception, but they don’t realize we have been there, done that and can do it better than them with our eyes closed. Oh yes and I promise I will come straight home after golfing with my buddies next week.(of course after that 2 hour 19th hole)
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Football Withdrawal
OK now, it’s Sunday afternoon and it’s the middle of February. The Super Bowl is over and it is officially football withdrawal time. You know what I mean. It was bad enough that Saturday football was no longer on because college football ended after the barrage of 5000 meaningless bowl games during the month of December. Not to say this was unwanted because in the mind of a true football fan you can never have enough games on at one time and meaningless games still have some good plays.
What is one to do? Let’s ponder the possibilities. First let’s talk about the stay at home watchers. If you were smart enough you could have DVR’d all the games of your favorite teams and then randomly play them back Sunday by Sunday. Yep, get your case of beer on ice in your cooler right next to you, your snacks, wings, and chili and watch the games all over. It is meaningless but it is still a way to get drunk by yourself on a Sunday afternoon. Who knows you may have been drunk enough initially that you could not remember the game so then it would be all new to you anyway. If you do remember some of the bad plays, you can get geared up for it knowing you are going to say why in the hell did he do that or think of some other expletive to say that you originally did not say. Who cares because no one is listening to you anyway as you slur your expletives on the way to passing out and dreaming of next years season. Now, take it a step further, you could have DVR’d some games that you did not watch because you were watching another game or something like that, then although you most likely know the outcome the game is all new to you and you can cheer on the plays that your friends told you about that you missed the first time.
But we all know Football is a social event, so what about those that went out somewhere to watch games in a crowd. You walk into what was a busy bar 3 weeks ago and it is desolate. No one is there but you and a few other diehard football junkies who are also going through withdrawal. You stare at the basketball game or golf or gymnastics or ice skating that is now on television. You order a beer just to have something to cry in because football is not on anymore. The television just doesn’t look the same, there are no people crushing each other into the ground in mindless hostility.
Then you think, Ice Hockey now that is some violence. The only problem with that is the puck is moving too fast on the screen for you to see or comprehend after drinking six beers. It is all a blur as the bodies’ crash into each other at 100 miles an hour. It just is not the same as eight 300 pound linemen lumbering and crushing into each other with the sounds of the helmets and grunting coming from the field. Oh no, where is my football. What to do???
What about NASCAR, yep there is nothing better to do in my mind than to watch a bunch of millionaire rednecks drive around in circles until something happens and they crash into each other. The spectators are rough and noisy, they like to throw chicken wings down from the nosebleed seats into the rest of the people. Maybe some breast flashing on the infield will help alleviate the withdrawal symptoms of no football. Well that would help but you have to be there and unfortunately they will not show bare breasts on TV, too bad. But being rednecks most of them are probably fat women with droopy ones anyway and I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t do anything for me.
Then there is always basketball and golf, but there is not enough violence there to feed the phantom beast that is a football fan. What to do, what to do?
My suggestion is to just drink enough beer that you have forgotten there in no real football for another 6 months or so until training camp starts or you can always watch Arena Indoor Football, whenever that comes on later this spring. Yeah right, watching Arena Football is like kissing you cousin. Yes, it is football, but it just doesn’t fell right, that is unless you live in West Virginia.
What is one to do? Let’s ponder the possibilities. First let’s talk about the stay at home watchers. If you were smart enough you could have DVR’d all the games of your favorite teams and then randomly play them back Sunday by Sunday. Yep, get your case of beer on ice in your cooler right next to you, your snacks, wings, and chili and watch the games all over. It is meaningless but it is still a way to get drunk by yourself on a Sunday afternoon. Who knows you may have been drunk enough initially that you could not remember the game so then it would be all new to you anyway. If you do remember some of the bad plays, you can get geared up for it knowing you are going to say why in the hell did he do that or think of some other expletive to say that you originally did not say. Who cares because no one is listening to you anyway as you slur your expletives on the way to passing out and dreaming of next years season. Now, take it a step further, you could have DVR’d some games that you did not watch because you were watching another game or something like that, then although you most likely know the outcome the game is all new to you and you can cheer on the plays that your friends told you about that you missed the first time.
But we all know Football is a social event, so what about those that went out somewhere to watch games in a crowd. You walk into what was a busy bar 3 weeks ago and it is desolate. No one is there but you and a few other diehard football junkies who are also going through withdrawal. You stare at the basketball game or golf or gymnastics or ice skating that is now on television. You order a beer just to have something to cry in because football is not on anymore. The television just doesn’t look the same, there are no people crushing each other into the ground in mindless hostility.
Then you think, Ice Hockey now that is some violence. The only problem with that is the puck is moving too fast on the screen for you to see or comprehend after drinking six beers. It is all a blur as the bodies’ crash into each other at 100 miles an hour. It just is not the same as eight 300 pound linemen lumbering and crushing into each other with the sounds of the helmets and grunting coming from the field. Oh no, where is my football. What to do???
What about NASCAR, yep there is nothing better to do in my mind than to watch a bunch of millionaire rednecks drive around in circles until something happens and they crash into each other. The spectators are rough and noisy, they like to throw chicken wings down from the nosebleed seats into the rest of the people. Maybe some breast flashing on the infield will help alleviate the withdrawal symptoms of no football. Well that would help but you have to be there and unfortunately they will not show bare breasts on TV, too bad. But being rednecks most of them are probably fat women with droopy ones anyway and I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t do anything for me.
Then there is always basketball and golf, but there is not enough violence there to feed the phantom beast that is a football fan. What to do, what to do?
My suggestion is to just drink enough beer that you have forgotten there in no real football for another 6 months or so until training camp starts or you can always watch Arena Indoor Football, whenever that comes on later this spring. Yeah right, watching Arena Football is like kissing you cousin. Yes, it is football, but it just doesn’t fell right, that is unless you live in West Virginia.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Shit Happens
I was thinking about what to write on this week and said shit I can’t think of anything. Then the revelation came why not write about shit. Yes Shit Happens.
What is shit? I’m not talking about the excretions that we make every day while sitting down on the throne reading a newspaper, magazine or whatever after just eating and drinking a huge cup of coffee. Although that may be where or how the term originated because you are just going about your business and get that feeling and all of a sudden it happens, that feeling inside or the cramps that says you better get to that throne right away. Ahhh, and then the relief. I can go graphically into this but will not to spare those that don’t like reading or hearing about shit. But then again after thinking about this maybe it is all part of how the expression originated. Often accompanied by a good shit are the sounds of gaseous matter relieving your body otherwise known as farts. Yes farts and shit are the basis of many jokes. Who cannot laugh at the scene in “Blazing Saddles around the camp fire? Yes, that is in my opinion the classic fart scene ever captured on the Silver Screen.
For some reason not known to me the expression “Shit Happens” is used to describe something that happened that there is no other explanation for or one that the person does not want to explain. But it often makes you think whenever it is used as to what really happened to make that person use the expression “Shit Happens” without any further explanation. Since no one likes to talk about shit, when a person uses the phrase “Shit Happens” it immediately stops the conversation about the topic being discussed without any further questions. But I want to go further I want to know what kind of shit happened. Was it a constipated shit, a regular shit or a diarrhea shit that happened? In other words was the occurrence or issue we were talking about to ignore the use of the term a small incident, a large incidence or one that was just completely out of control. Also in this analogy I want to know if there was a lot of arguing in the incidence so in shitty terms I want to know if there were a lot of farts involved to or is it just shit that happened.
You know if you think about it there is a whole bunch of shit going on around us every day. It is in everyone’s lives in one way or another. I bet on average we put up with more shit everyday then we actually produce in the pure physical manner. Or then again you may be one of the people that cause the shit to happen. You could be the instigator; yes you actually could be that triple heat burrito or the MSG in Chinese food that gets the gasses going to make shit happen. The other scenario is you could be the one stirring the shit to make the shit happen. You know getting someone to do something that they normally would not do, but when they do it is one of those things describes as you know “ it Happen” which really meant. “Shit happens. Yeah you stirred the shit to make it happen. Or it could be like the scene it Forest Gump which went like this.
Bumper Sticker Guy: [running after Forrest] Hey man! Hey listen, I was wondering if you might help me. 'Cause I'm in the bumper sticker business and I've been trying to think of a good slogan, and since you've been such a big inspiration to the people around here I thought you might be able to help me jump into - WOAH! Man, you just ran through a big pile of dog shit!
Forrest Gump: It happens.
Bumper Sticker guy: What, shit?
Forrest Gump: Sometimes
See shit happens everywhere even in movies. What is it that makes us use this expression other than the fact that it really does sound cool? You can make up almost any kind of story and stick it in the somewhere kind of like this.
You know I was going down to the store and then you know some guys kind of came by and asked if they could use my gin and the next thing you knew, he was dead. Yeah man “Shit Happens”
What a great excuse. Hey why did you take a baseball bat and bash in my window. Wow it was a mistake ya know, I guess “Shit Happens.”
It is one of those universal sayings kinda like f--- you but without the vulgarness of the f word.
Right now your probably saying to yourself why in the hell did Eddy P decide to write about this and why in the hell am I reading this?
Guess what?? SHIT HAPPENS
What is shit? I’m not talking about the excretions that we make every day while sitting down on the throne reading a newspaper, magazine or whatever after just eating and drinking a huge cup of coffee. Although that may be where or how the term originated because you are just going about your business and get that feeling and all of a sudden it happens, that feeling inside or the cramps that says you better get to that throne right away. Ahhh, and then the relief. I can go graphically into this but will not to spare those that don’t like reading or hearing about shit. But then again after thinking about this maybe it is all part of how the expression originated. Often accompanied by a good shit are the sounds of gaseous matter relieving your body otherwise known as farts. Yes farts and shit are the basis of many jokes. Who cannot laugh at the scene in “Blazing Saddles around the camp fire? Yes, that is in my opinion the classic fart scene ever captured on the Silver Screen.
For some reason not known to me the expression “Shit Happens” is used to describe something that happened that there is no other explanation for or one that the person does not want to explain. But it often makes you think whenever it is used as to what really happened to make that person use the expression “Shit Happens” without any further explanation. Since no one likes to talk about shit, when a person uses the phrase “Shit Happens” it immediately stops the conversation about the topic being discussed without any further questions. But I want to go further I want to know what kind of shit happened. Was it a constipated shit, a regular shit or a diarrhea shit that happened? In other words was the occurrence or issue we were talking about to ignore the use of the term a small incident, a large incidence or one that was just completely out of control. Also in this analogy I want to know if there was a lot of arguing in the incidence so in shitty terms I want to know if there were a lot of farts involved to or is it just shit that happened.
You know if you think about it there is a whole bunch of shit going on around us every day. It is in everyone’s lives in one way or another. I bet on average we put up with more shit everyday then we actually produce in the pure physical manner. Or then again you may be one of the people that cause the shit to happen. You could be the instigator; yes you actually could be that triple heat burrito or the MSG in Chinese food that gets the gasses going to make shit happen. The other scenario is you could be the one stirring the shit to make the shit happen. You know getting someone to do something that they normally would not do, but when they do it is one of those things describes as you know “ it Happen” which really meant. “Shit happens. Yeah you stirred the shit to make it happen. Or it could be like the scene it Forest Gump which went like this.
Bumper Sticker Guy: [running after Forrest] Hey man! Hey listen, I was wondering if you might help me. 'Cause I'm in the bumper sticker business and I've been trying to think of a good slogan, and since you've been such a big inspiration to the people around here I thought you might be able to help me jump into - WOAH! Man, you just ran through a big pile of dog shit!
Forrest Gump: It happens.
Bumper Sticker guy: What, shit?
Forrest Gump: Sometimes
See shit happens everywhere even in movies. What is it that makes us use this expression other than the fact that it really does sound cool? You can make up almost any kind of story and stick it in the somewhere kind of like this.
You know I was going down to the store and then you know some guys kind of came by and asked if they could use my gin and the next thing you knew, he was dead. Yeah man “Shit Happens”
What a great excuse. Hey why did you take a baseball bat and bash in my window. Wow it was a mistake ya know, I guess “Shit Happens.”
It is one of those universal sayings kinda like f--- you but without the vulgarness of the f word.
Right now your probably saying to yourself why in the hell did Eddy P decide to write about this and why in the hell am I reading this?
Guess what?? SHIT HAPPENS
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