OK now, it’s Sunday afternoon and it’s the middle of February. The Super Bowl is over and it is officially football withdrawal time. You know what I mean. It was bad enough that Saturday football was no longer on because college football ended after the barrage of 5000 meaningless bowl games during the month of December. Not to say this was unwanted because in the mind of a true football fan you can never have enough games on at one time and meaningless games still have some good plays.
What is one to do? Let’s ponder the possibilities. First let’s talk about the stay at home watchers. If you were smart enough you could have DVR’d all the games of your favorite teams and then randomly play them back Sunday by Sunday. Yep, get your case of beer on ice in your cooler right next to you, your snacks, wings, and chili and watch the games all over. It is meaningless but it is still a way to get drunk by yourself on a Sunday afternoon. Who knows you may have been drunk enough initially that you could not remember the game so then it would be all new to you anyway. If you do remember some of the bad plays, you can get geared up for it knowing you are going to say why in the hell did he do that or think of some other expletive to say that you originally did not say. Who cares because no one is listening to you anyway as you slur your expletives on the way to passing out and dreaming of next years season. Now, take it a step further, you could have DVR’d some games that you did not watch because you were watching another game or something like that, then although you most likely know the outcome the game is all new to you and you can cheer on the plays that your friends told you about that you missed the first time.
But we all know Football is a social event, so what about those that went out somewhere to watch games in a crowd. You walk into what was a busy bar 3 weeks ago and it is desolate. No one is there but you and a few other diehard football junkies who are also going through withdrawal. You stare at the basketball game or golf or gymnastics or ice skating that is now on television. You order a beer just to have something to cry in because football is not on anymore. The television just doesn’t look the same, there are no people crushing each other into the ground in mindless hostility.
Then you think, Ice Hockey now that is some violence. The only problem with that is the puck is moving too fast on the screen for you to see or comprehend after drinking six beers. It is all a blur as the bodies’ crash into each other at 100 miles an hour. It just is not the same as eight 300 pound linemen lumbering and crushing into each other with the sounds of the helmets and grunting coming from the field. Oh no, where is my football. What to do???
What about NASCAR, yep there is nothing better to do in my mind than to watch a bunch of millionaire rednecks drive around in circles until something happens and they crash into each other. The spectators are rough and noisy, they like to throw chicken wings down from the nosebleed seats into the rest of the people. Maybe some breast flashing on the infield will help alleviate the withdrawal symptoms of no football. Well that would help but you have to be there and unfortunately they will not show bare breasts on TV, too bad. But being rednecks most of them are probably fat women with droopy ones anyway and I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t do anything for me.
Then there is always basketball and golf, but there is not enough violence there to feed the phantom beast that is a football fan. What to do, what to do?
My suggestion is to just drink enough beer that you have forgotten there in no real football for another 6 months or so until training camp starts or you can always watch Arena Indoor Football, whenever that comes on later this spring. Yeah right, watching Arena Football is like kissing you cousin. Yes, it is football, but it just doesn’t fell right, that is unless you live in West Virginia.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Shit Happens
I was thinking about what to write on this week and said shit I can’t think of anything. Then the revelation came why not write about shit. Yes Shit Happens.
What is shit? I’m not talking about the excretions that we make every day while sitting down on the throne reading a newspaper, magazine or whatever after just eating and drinking a huge cup of coffee. Although that may be where or how the term originated because you are just going about your business and get that feeling and all of a sudden it happens, that feeling inside or the cramps that says you better get to that throne right away. Ahhh, and then the relief. I can go graphically into this but will not to spare those that don’t like reading or hearing about shit. But then again after thinking about this maybe it is all part of how the expression originated. Often accompanied by a good shit are the sounds of gaseous matter relieving your body otherwise known as farts. Yes farts and shit are the basis of many jokes. Who cannot laugh at the scene in “Blazing Saddles around the camp fire? Yes, that is in my opinion the classic fart scene ever captured on the Silver Screen.
For some reason not known to me the expression “Shit Happens” is used to describe something that happened that there is no other explanation for or one that the person does not want to explain. But it often makes you think whenever it is used as to what really happened to make that person use the expression “Shit Happens” without any further explanation. Since no one likes to talk about shit, when a person uses the phrase “Shit Happens” it immediately stops the conversation about the topic being discussed without any further questions. But I want to go further I want to know what kind of shit happened. Was it a constipated shit, a regular shit or a diarrhea shit that happened? In other words was the occurrence or issue we were talking about to ignore the use of the term a small incident, a large incidence or one that was just completely out of control. Also in this analogy I want to know if there was a lot of arguing in the incidence so in shitty terms I want to know if there were a lot of farts involved to or is it just shit that happened.
You know if you think about it there is a whole bunch of shit going on around us every day. It is in everyone’s lives in one way or another. I bet on average we put up with more shit everyday then we actually produce in the pure physical manner. Or then again you may be one of the people that cause the shit to happen. You could be the instigator; yes you actually could be that triple heat burrito or the MSG in Chinese food that gets the gasses going to make shit happen. The other scenario is you could be the one stirring the shit to make the shit happen. You know getting someone to do something that they normally would not do, but when they do it is one of those things describes as you know “ it Happen” which really meant. “Shit happens. Yeah you stirred the shit to make it happen. Or it could be like the scene it Forest Gump which went like this.
Bumper Sticker Guy: [running after Forrest] Hey man! Hey listen, I was wondering if you might help me. 'Cause I'm in the bumper sticker business and I've been trying to think of a good slogan, and since you've been such a big inspiration to the people around here I thought you might be able to help me jump into - WOAH! Man, you just ran through a big pile of dog shit!
Forrest Gump: It happens.
Bumper Sticker guy: What, shit?
Forrest Gump: Sometimes
See shit happens everywhere even in movies. What is it that makes us use this expression other than the fact that it really does sound cool? You can make up almost any kind of story and stick it in the somewhere kind of like this.
You know I was going down to the store and then you know some guys kind of came by and asked if they could use my gin and the next thing you knew, he was dead. Yeah man “Shit Happens”
What a great excuse. Hey why did you take a baseball bat and bash in my window. Wow it was a mistake ya know, I guess “Shit Happens.”
It is one of those universal sayings kinda like f--- you but without the vulgarness of the f word.
Right now your probably saying to yourself why in the hell did Eddy P decide to write about this and why in the hell am I reading this?
Guess what?? SHIT HAPPENS
What is shit? I’m not talking about the excretions that we make every day while sitting down on the throne reading a newspaper, magazine or whatever after just eating and drinking a huge cup of coffee. Although that may be where or how the term originated because you are just going about your business and get that feeling and all of a sudden it happens, that feeling inside or the cramps that says you better get to that throne right away. Ahhh, and then the relief. I can go graphically into this but will not to spare those that don’t like reading or hearing about shit. But then again after thinking about this maybe it is all part of how the expression originated. Often accompanied by a good shit are the sounds of gaseous matter relieving your body otherwise known as farts. Yes farts and shit are the basis of many jokes. Who cannot laugh at the scene in “Blazing Saddles around the camp fire? Yes, that is in my opinion the classic fart scene ever captured on the Silver Screen.
For some reason not known to me the expression “Shit Happens” is used to describe something that happened that there is no other explanation for or one that the person does not want to explain. But it often makes you think whenever it is used as to what really happened to make that person use the expression “Shit Happens” without any further explanation. Since no one likes to talk about shit, when a person uses the phrase “Shit Happens” it immediately stops the conversation about the topic being discussed without any further questions. But I want to go further I want to know what kind of shit happened. Was it a constipated shit, a regular shit or a diarrhea shit that happened? In other words was the occurrence or issue we were talking about to ignore the use of the term a small incident, a large incidence or one that was just completely out of control. Also in this analogy I want to know if there was a lot of arguing in the incidence so in shitty terms I want to know if there were a lot of farts involved to or is it just shit that happened.
You know if you think about it there is a whole bunch of shit going on around us every day. It is in everyone’s lives in one way or another. I bet on average we put up with more shit everyday then we actually produce in the pure physical manner. Or then again you may be one of the people that cause the shit to happen. You could be the instigator; yes you actually could be that triple heat burrito or the MSG in Chinese food that gets the gasses going to make shit happen. The other scenario is you could be the one stirring the shit to make the shit happen. You know getting someone to do something that they normally would not do, but when they do it is one of those things describes as you know “ it Happen” which really meant. “Shit happens. Yeah you stirred the shit to make it happen. Or it could be like the scene it Forest Gump which went like this.
Bumper Sticker Guy: [running after Forrest] Hey man! Hey listen, I was wondering if you might help me. 'Cause I'm in the bumper sticker business and I've been trying to think of a good slogan, and since you've been such a big inspiration to the people around here I thought you might be able to help me jump into - WOAH! Man, you just ran through a big pile of dog shit!
Forrest Gump: It happens.
Bumper Sticker guy: What, shit?
Forrest Gump: Sometimes
See shit happens everywhere even in movies. What is it that makes us use this expression other than the fact that it really does sound cool? You can make up almost any kind of story and stick it in the somewhere kind of like this.
You know I was going down to the store and then you know some guys kind of came by and asked if they could use my gin and the next thing you knew, he was dead. Yeah man “Shit Happens”
What a great excuse. Hey why did you take a baseball bat and bash in my window. Wow it was a mistake ya know, I guess “Shit Happens.”
It is one of those universal sayings kinda like f--- you but without the vulgarness of the f word.
Right now your probably saying to yourself why in the hell did Eddy P decide to write about this and why in the hell am I reading this?
Guess what?? SHIT HAPPENS
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