Oh No! Snow in the South

Oh shit, here we go again with another prediction of snow for the Carolinas. Being from Chicago, I find it hilarious that people get so excited and bent out of shape over a little snow. OK so I guess it is cool for the kids to over react because they get a day out of school even if just one fricking snowflake sticks to the ground in the northern part of the county which is 30 miles away. Yep, if one part of the school district has ice on the roads, than everyone is out for the day. But when there is actually snow I am happy for the kids down here to be able to experience sledding and snowball fights and snowmen because that is fun for kids and also was fun for me as a kid. Yep, we would make snowballs and then let them freeze in the it cold a little bit so they would get nice and hard. Then when the snowball fight started you would use these hard snowballs / ice balls intermittently to nail someone you thought was a real jerk anyway. This would send them running home crying to their mommies and you could have a good fight then with the kids you liked. That was until the kid that you hit with the ice ball would tell his Mom and she would call your Mom and then your ass was grounded. Little dweebs who run home to their Mom’s should not be allowed in snowball fights to begin with.

Now, let’s get back to the HYPE of snow in the south. First, the news channel weather people start getting everyone worked up about 3 to 4 days ahead of time by saying there “could be” a winter event. WTF is a winter event. To me that is like sledding or an ice hockey game outside or Christmas Caroling before the Holiday or an outside winter festival. Those are traditional type Winter Events” . But, it is the Carolinas and most of the rest of the South a Winter Event is a snowfall. I guess they call it an Event because it does not happen too much kinda like seeing the real Easter Bunny would be an event… Hippity Hoppity hop hop hip, who the heck knows, anyway it is an Event. So now, the news media has everyone all hyped up that it is all you fricking hear about. Yes we have run through half of our ice melting equipment for the year because we have and a total of 4” of snow. Give me a fucking break here.

So the hype goes on and it is the lead story for the news forever and ever. What makes this funny is that most of the time the snow does not happen or it is just a light dusting. Regardless, everyone runs out to the grocery store to buy milk and bread. In Chicago when we knew a blizzard was coming we went out to get beer, vodka, whiskey and pretzels, because a good old blizzard when you are actually stranded due to 24” of snow is a great frickin overnight party. Staggering through the streets, walking from bar to bar, doing snow angels and eventually ending up at someone’s house who lived closed to where you were staggering. Also for some reason, the birth rate for some reason peaks about 9 months after a good Chicago blizzard. Yep we knew how to have fun in the snow back home.

Yes milk and bread, bread and milk,that is all everyone frickin talks about over here. So the grocery stores are a an absolute madhouse and everyone is stocking up as if they will be stuck at home for a week, and there is no milk and bread left even before the snow begins and the bread truck will not come out till the Event is over because those drivers don’t want to drive in the snow. It is just a total ”snowball” effect on everything that goes on down here.

So now, let say we actually get snow or ice on the ground. NO ONE drives, the roads are wide open. There have been times I have gone to my office 25 miles from home and people who live a mile away do not show up because it is too dangerous to drive. Give me a break here. Yes, we must be careful and they do not have a lot of snow removal equipment down here, but come on now. I have personally driven through blizzards and ice storms and all kind of shitty weather because that is just what you do when you live up north. No baby ass excuse because there is one frickin inch of snow on the ground.

School gets cancelled if there is any amount of snow which screws up everything if you have younger children in school or even older ones because you have to make sure you are home because the older ones see this as a party and you have to watch out because if given the chance they will party like Chicago people in the snow. Not afraid of it, but taking advantage of everything they can.. Yee Haa snow party at Bubba’s house. Let’s find someone to buy beer invite some girls over and don’t forget the condoms.

There seem to be news reports by the minute as soon as the snow starts. Yes, we have our weather person live on the bridge over the Interstate, then they pan to him watching what flakes are coming down and pathetically trying to make a snowball ball from ¼” of sleet on the ground. Then constant reports about everything and anything related to snow. The school, business and church closings scroll across the bottom of your television screen and never seem to end. Yes, they announce church closing down here in the Bible Belt. That was completely a new one to me, ok whatever. Everything in the area closes with 1” of snow on the ground, so my theory is that people do not go out anywhere because there is no where to go because everything is closed because people are just morons when it comes to driving in this crap. I agree it is dangerous out there, but not because of the snow or snow accumulation, but because you have some morons who have not driven in the snow before trying to drive and just so inept that they cause danger to those that know how to drive in the snow. Yes, there are some real mental geniuses down here. Come on Bubbas let’s drive 50 mile on hour, slam on the brakes and try to do donuts and see if we can still be in control. Yep… dumbasses.

So, what is one to do. When in Rome do as the Romans. So, when I finally get home from work on one of these days, I just sit in my chair and laugh eating my sandwich, drinking a glass of milk and watching the morons on TV. Why would I do that after all this complaining….. because the damn liquor store is closed too.