Oh No! Snow in the South

Oh shit, here we go again with another prediction of snow for the Carolinas. Being from Chicago, I find it hilarious that people get so excited and bent out of shape over a little snow. OK so I guess it is cool for the kids to over react because they get a day out of school even if just one fricking snowflake sticks to the ground in the northern part of the county which is 30 miles away. Yep, if one part of the school district has ice on the roads, than everyone is out for the day. But when there is actually snow I am happy for the kids down here to be able to experience sledding and snowball fights and snowmen because that is fun for kids and also was fun for me as a kid. Yep, we would make snowballs and then let them freeze in the it cold a little bit so they would get nice and hard. Then when the snowball fight started you would use these hard snowballs / ice balls intermittently to nail someone you thought was a real jerk anyway. This would send them running home crying to their mommies and you could have a good fight then with the kids you liked. That was until the kid that you hit with the ice ball would tell his Mom and she would call your Mom and then your ass was grounded. Little dweebs who run home to their Mom’s should not be allowed in snowball fights to begin with.

Now, let’s get back to the HYPE of snow in the south. First, the news channel weather people start getting everyone worked up about 3 to 4 days ahead of time by saying there “could be” a winter event. WTF is a winter event. To me that is like sledding or an ice hockey game outside or Christmas Caroling before the Holiday or an outside winter festival. Those are traditional type Winter Events” . But, it is the Carolinas and most of the rest of the South a Winter Event is a snowfall. I guess they call it an Event because it does not happen too much kinda like seeing the real Easter Bunny would be an event… Hippity Hoppity hop hop hip, who the heck knows, anyway it is an Event. So now, the news media has everyone all hyped up that it is all you fricking hear about. Yes we have run through half of our ice melting equipment for the year because we have and a total of 4” of snow. Give me a fucking break here.

So the hype goes on and it is the lead story for the news forever and ever. What makes this funny is that most of the time the snow does not happen or it is just a light dusting. Regardless, everyone runs out to the grocery store to buy milk and bread. In Chicago when we knew a blizzard was coming we went out to get beer, vodka, whiskey and pretzels, because a good old blizzard when you are actually stranded due to 24” of snow is a great frickin overnight party. Staggering through the streets, walking from bar to bar, doing snow angels and eventually ending up at someone’s house who lived closed to where you were staggering. Also for some reason, the birth rate for some reason peaks about 9 months after a good Chicago blizzard. Yep we knew how to have fun in the snow back home.

Yes milk and bread, bread and milk,that is all everyone frickin talks about over here. So the grocery stores are a an absolute madhouse and everyone is stocking up as if they will be stuck at home for a week, and there is no milk and bread left even before the snow begins and the bread truck will not come out till the Event is over because those drivers don’t want to drive in the snow. It is just a total ”snowball” effect on everything that goes on down here.

So now, let say we actually get snow or ice on the ground. NO ONE drives, the roads are wide open. There have been times I have gone to my office 25 miles from home and people who live a mile away do not show up because it is too dangerous to drive. Give me a break here. Yes, we must be careful and they do not have a lot of snow removal equipment down here, but come on now. I have personally driven through blizzards and ice storms and all kind of shitty weather because that is just what you do when you live up north. No baby ass excuse because there is one frickin inch of snow on the ground.

School gets cancelled if there is any amount of snow which screws up everything if you have younger children in school or even older ones because you have to make sure you are home because the older ones see this as a party and you have to watch out because if given the chance they will party like Chicago people in the snow. Not afraid of it, but taking advantage of everything they can.. Yee Haa snow party at Bubba’s house. Let’s find someone to buy beer invite some girls over and don’t forget the condoms.

There seem to be news reports by the minute as soon as the snow starts. Yes, we have our weather person live on the bridge over the Interstate, then they pan to him watching what flakes are coming down and pathetically trying to make a snowball ball from ¼” of sleet on the ground. Then constant reports about everything and anything related to snow. The school, business and church closings scroll across the bottom of your television screen and never seem to end. Yes, they announce church closing down here in the Bible Belt. That was completely a new one to me, ok whatever. Everything in the area closes with 1” of snow on the ground, so my theory is that people do not go out anywhere because there is no where to go because everything is closed because people are just morons when it comes to driving in this crap. I agree it is dangerous out there, but not because of the snow or snow accumulation, but because you have some morons who have not driven in the snow before trying to drive and just so inept that they cause danger to those that know how to drive in the snow. Yes, there are some real mental geniuses down here. Come on Bubbas let’s drive 50 mile on hour, slam on the brakes and try to do donuts and see if we can still be in control. Yep… dumbasses.

So, what is one to do. When in Rome do as the Romans. So, when I finally get home from work on one of these days, I just sit in my chair and laugh eating my sandwich, drinking a glass of milk and watching the morons on TV. Why would I do that after all this complaining….. because the damn liquor store is closed too.

A Tide Pen for Everything !!! ???

Ok so I had to ask what a Tide Pen was when I got this suggestion, but did figure it out with a little help from Google. For those of you challenged like me, a Tide Pen is a little pen that you rub on a stain when you get one that takes it out after washing it. Now we will not debate whether or not it really works as some people swear by it and others curse by it.

That’s right there are products that get rid of everything. Tide Pen, Magic Eraser and who can forget Billy Mays pitching Fix-It Pro, Mighty Mend-It and last but not least Oxiclean.

So what if we had a product for everything we screwed up in our lives and “poof” it would magically be back to the way it was before we screwed it up. Or do we really want to fix everything we screwed up because some things are better left unfixed. Kind of like the old movie “Back to the Future”. If some things weren’t messed up then others would not have happened and then everything would be different but would it be different for the better or for the worse.

Ok lets’ say we had a product that took care of all bad past relationships. “ Poof”… it took care of the relationship part but the other person is still as Asshole or Bitch or whatever else they were that caused the bad relationship. Yep it can take the stain out of an ugly shirt, but damn, it is still an ugly shirt. But what the hell not a bad concept.

BUT WAIT !!!!!!

Now Eddy P has an Amazing Offer just for you !!!

Still having problems with that Asshole that the Tide Pen would not fix…., you can still fix the second part of this with the Amazing Asshole Eraser. That’s right for $$$$$$$$ you can get the Amazing Asshole eraser and make sure that the Asshole is no longer around at all. The Asshole Eraser is shipped to you via plane, train or automobile and looks amazingly human. It comes in a variety of Ethnic variations and comes equipped with a multitude of Fantastic Options for dealing with Assholes including a 44 Magnum for the ultimate wipeout, Nunchuckas, the Tanya knee busters for immobilization rather than elimination, and the Elin autographed Flying Golf Club, among other mass weapons of Asshole destruction. That’s right for a mere $$$$$$$ you can eliminate that problem. But wait there’s more. If you order now you get a CD of the complete Guide to Communicating with the Asshole Eraser in Song. That’s right, Songs made to communicate with your Asshole Eraser Completely Free. The songs include the necessary information to program your Asshole Eraser to take care of the problem, and are cute little jingles to sing while you know the problem is being eliminated. Hit Tunes like “Just kill the SOB” , “Wipe that MF off the face of the earth” and the favorite. “Eliminate Him Now”

Disclaimer: Product not warranted against eventual arrest for Murder, Manslaughter or other Criminal Activity.

Conferences – It’s snowing in Orlando

Ok, I admit, not snowing but frickin COLD. How can anyone expect you to enjoy yourself at a conference when it is cold and windy? Oh come on now, we all know that the main reason of any conference we go to is the education and listening to the various speakers, to gather information that can be passed on to others in our companies. In addition we get to network with our customers, potential customers, suppliers and colleagues.

There is some fraction of people who think that all people do at conferences is drink, golf and eat expensive dinners. Let me tell you that most of the people I associate with do not have their first drink till at least noon, especially the past couple of conferences I have been to, because it was too cold during those morning tee times to drink anything but coffee. Besides many people ( of course not me) are too hung-over to even think about drinking till at least noon as their red, squinty eyes closely focus on trying to hit the little white fucking golf ball. So you say, OK what were you doing golfing in the morning anyway if you are supposed to be in the conference? AH HA, that is the morning tee times are for the first day of the conference since you have to be there for afternoon meetings and a cocktail parties in the evening.

Yep, there you go mentioning cocktail parties and drinking, told you that is all you guys do. Wrong, this is called a networking event. You meet people who you already know and network with them about where you want to go to dinner and eat and have more drinks. Then again, you sometimes meet people you have not met before that seem to be fun ( or that you think you can get business from) so you invite them along with the group you networked with before to the dinner to eat and have more drinks or to meet you after you have dinner with the original group you had planned with before. The whole idea is to get as many people together so you can exchange slurred misinformation and bitch about the industry or whatever in general.

Some conferences are tougher to endure than others. I was recently at one in which we had to golf for 3 days straight. Oh I am so sorry you had to endure that pain and suffering of being on the golf course for 3 days. Your damn right Skippy, the first 2 days in Sunny Orlando had us golfing in 40/50 degree temperatures with 40 mile per hour winds. It is very discouraging to hit a golf ball in front of a customer that does not go far because of all the wind in your fricking face. I am convinced that my customers used different golf balls or something because even in the wind they went further than mine. So, you try your best and after a few holes decide the only way to get through this excruciating round is to have a drink and loosen up to forget about how cold you really were.

Sometimes the organizers schedule other events for after the meetings which again are networking events. These are typically at a venue away from the actual conference. Many of these have relatively small indoor venues with extra room on the outside. I know you are thinking, another eating and drinking fest. Well, maybe if you consider that if it is cold during the day on the golf course it is cold as hell freezing over at night trying to drink a drink outside because the limited inside seating has gone too fast because you got there too late because you were out golfing with customers and freezing your ass off already. So you have two choices: Stand up and eat in a little corner, while taking off all clothes you have and still being legal about it because it is hot as hell in the room because there are so many people crammed into a little space or go outside and freeze to get away from the heat and also to find a table to sit at.

You have to regain your sanity and get warm and comfortable someplace, so then a group of colleagues decide let’s go to a club. You now find yourself at place you normally would not go to and on the dance floor doing group dances and pretending to be 20 years younger than you are. After enduring this for a couple of hours you drag yourself back to the hotel barely being able to walk because you frinking shoes were not made for being on a dance floor and your bad ankles were only made to sustain your weight while walking and not doing stuff you did when you were much younger. Needless to say you are one of the first to leave.

Ok now another day of meetings and you notice that somehow the 8 AM early morning sessions are not as full as previous days, but by 10AM the room starts filling up again as the important speakers for the day are not scheduled until late. Hhmmm is this a coincidence? The morning rolls along with the various speakers and for some weird reason the majority of the people in the room are wearing sunglasses. I guess they are just preparing their eyes for another bright and sunny Florida day on the golf course. So, when’s the next conference?????

I Can Walk and Fart and Not Break Stride (Dedicated to Uncle Moe)

Yep, that’s about it. Who care’s how old we are getting, if we can still accomplish our goals, then we are not yet ready to kick the bucket or call ourselves old. It takes years of practice to accomplish the above stated goal. I mean just think about it, when we were babies we farted and crapped our pants and really did not think about it cuz we really couldn't think yet, it was a natural reaction. Maybe it was the smell we were looking to accomplish for attention, but if we couldn't think yet then it was not intentional, but just meant to be . As we got a little older like 8,9,10 and early teens it was just farts… yes farts anywhere and everywhere. The louder and more smelly they were the more we laughed at ourselves or at the ones who were taking the brunt of our home made smelliness. “ Come on Pull my finger”…RIP ONE LOUD ONE hahahahahaha.

I mean let’s get serious here, boys were taught that one by our dads and uncles and older brothers. It was also an attempt to piss off our mothers and sisters who would just say “That’s disgusting” and “Stop It” or “What the fuck is that smell” It was and still is the way that men can amuse ourselves. Yes, farting when younger was all about learning how to get on one’s nerves. Now, as to how women learned how to get on men’s nerves, I digress to the above and it was just meant to be, inherent in their genes. Most women are sneaky when it comes to farts, they have also learned that over time, they are the queens of the SBD’s , yep blaming the dog and stuff like that.

Ok so once again I find myself off topic which is not unusual … Ok so getting older men learn not to fart as much and as loud on purpose anymore because it is disgusting as hammered into our heads by our mothers, sisters and wife’s. But we still get out the occasional SBD ( in which we have learned that technique from ???) But as Uncle Moe said, “I can walk and fart and not break stride”. Yes that is only an accomplishments one can do as they get older. It took Uncle Moe 50 years to finally reach that stage, it takes talent and conditioning and many years of practice and experience to reach this level. So my overall premise in everything is that we are not get older, but to use the old cliché “Just getting better”

So yes, this was a disgusting and tasteless example of us not really aging yet, we are still in control of many things that are around us and our bodily functions at least. And when you are really getting old and not just thinking about it you will know. We are told we will revert back to old habits and sometimes like we were a child again, farting and crapping our pants. But of course that “Depends” upon you.

Cell Phones, Texting and Bicycles

Just when you think you have heard it all about the stupid things people do to stay in touch with their friends via texting and emails and all types of mobile communications you hear something that makes you say… WHAT???

Needless to say enough has been written about the dangers of talking on a phone while you are driving, the lack of attention given to the actual traffic or the speed at which you are driving. I must admit I have experienced this myself. I tend to get too involved in some conversations, all of a sudden you look at the speedometer and you are either going 90 if it was something that excited you in the conversation or you would go real slow sometimes actually trying to think about the conversation. I’m glad that I never tried to have phone sex with anyone while driving I can’t bear to think of how fast I would have been driving then. You would definitely have to be using the speaker phone or a blue tooth so to have at least one hand to drive with. I guess the calming thing about if I would have had phone sex in the car is it would have only lasted a minute or so.

Ok so talking on the phone is one thing, but how about texting and emails. We try to drive and look at the road while at the same time reading a message and then manipulating our fingers on that tiny keyboard to answer an important question or just to BS with a friend. WOW… so much more dangerous than just talking. Now we are actually doing something which takes a part of our brain away from what we are supposed to be doing, and if you don’t’ have much of a brain to begin with it is really taking it to the edge. I mean talking on the phone is almost like talking to the person next to you in the car. The most dangerous part of talking on the cell phone besides getting excited and stuff is typing the fricking phone number on that tiny keyboard. But yes, now let’s just text our way through the whole trip and not look at the road while we are doing it. I know I am just going on a bit of a rant here but come on people. Yes I am somewhat guilty here too, but mostly I just read the messages and then answer later or just call the damn person instead.

Enough said about the regular everyday cell phone or text messaging while driving. Here is the one that got me to say WHAT. Yes, text messaging while riding a bicycle. How the hell do you do that one and how stupid do you have to be to try? I guess you would steer the bike one handed or ride with no hands like we did when we were kids trying to show off in front of the little girls, while holding the phone and texting with the other hand. Now admit it, that does take some skill. Wow, I can just see smashing into all kind of stuff if I were doing that. I would be driving crooked and out of the bike lane if there was one. Not braking on time and smashing into the back of cars. It takes some balls to pull that one off at all. Maybe they should design a bike with an extended metal piece coming up from one side of the handle and a place on it to put your cell phone so you can text that way. I guess it takes some balls to even think about texting and riding a bike, so I think lets name this new bicycle” Textcycle”. Perfect name since only dickheads would be riding one anyway!

Doomy and Gloomy People

I hate doom and gloom people. Why are they that way? Man, I think they are just a bunch of neglected people and by being doomy and gloomy they get attention from others wondering what the frick is their problem. Reminds me of that old story “Chicken Little” and the sky is falling, the skt is falling. Not to be confused with Tattoo from Fantasy Island saying “De Plane De Plane”. Doomy and Gloomy people like to start controversy by bringing up such doomy and gloomy opinions on life, the world, the economy, the recession, the crack in their ass is too big, their penises are too small, they hate the sun, they hate the clouds , they hate the winter, they hate the summer.

Well, I frickin hate them too. If I wanted to hear nothing but doom and gloom all I really have to do is put on the news. Yes news people I think are naturally doomy and gloomy. It is a requirement of them getting their jobs. They put on their big smiles and all the crap. But they have to make any little problem in the world bigger than life and sensationalize it. Yes, probably this is from the writers and it gets ratings and attention which lead to more advertisers and more money for the televisions or radio station or the syndicated doom and gloom guy who is selling his BS stories to radio stations across the country because most people love to hear gloom and doom

Remember the sentiment earlier this year; it went something like this every night on the evening news. The world is going to end because the recession is never going to stop because people do not want to buy cars from bankrupt companies because they will never ever be able to get them serviced again and there will be no parts available to fix the cars with, and gas prices will be so high that no one can afford to drive and we will all be peddling our bicycles to work if there are even any jobs left to go to because all the manufacturing is leaving to be built in Yugoslavia.. blah blah blah…. Yes, like I believe all the crap. But the sad part is that many people will believe any line of crap that they here on television because all television people are Gods and they know it all.

I believe we have become a nation that thrives on the negative news we here and then because so many people talk about the negative, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I think leaders in our communities, the press and other politicians should have a positive attitude toward life and the situations we find ourselves in. I mean, come on now, the media is the master of the “spin anyway so why not spend some time being creative and put a positive spin on all the negative crap that does go on. Who knows if people start talking positively, then maybe that could become a self fulfilling prophecy also and then sings would all be better and we can have a Pollyanna world once again in which everything is good once again.

Ok so that would not be perfect either, but it would definitely be better than the constant negativism coming out of our media and politicians all the time.

I think the solution to the problem for these people is that we just have to surgically remove the shoe that has been jammed up their asses which makes them unhappy and their need to spread this unhappiness with the world. I guess if I had a shoe jammed up my ass I would be extremely unhappy also. So, Ok… Here ya go… what they really need to do is get that shoe out of their ass and just get fricking laid more often. I know getting laid always puts me in a better mood…………at least until I fall asleep… which you know if I think about it… Is a much better way to fall asleep than to do so just watching the news.

The Olympic Decision

What about that decision on the Olympics. Well as we all know Chicago lost this one big time. But what else is new for Chicagoans, I mean they are used to losing almost everything all the time anyway.Yes, they had the Super Bowl way back in the 1986 and the Bulls won an amazing 6 Championships in the 90’s and lastly the White Sox won the World Series in 2005. But look at the percentages if you consider the major franchises Bulls, Cubs, White Sox, Bears, Blackhawks. So in the last 25 years there have been 125 Championships that would have been available to Chicago Teams and they have one 8. This gives a winning percentage of 6.4%. We all know if we go back further in time this percentage just keeps shrinking and shrinking, just the anti thesis of the energizer bunny the keeps going and going.. yes Chicago Teams just also keep going and going and losing and losing.

So is it really a surprise that Chicago lost its attempt to get the Olympics. It was in typical Chicago fashion and flair that everyone got all hyped up about nothing. So you had the choice of Tokyo, Chicago, Madrid and Rio. Who the frick really cares that Oprah goes to Copenhagen with Mrs. Obama as the final push. Every time I hear Oprahs’ name I think of her production company name which is Harpo and then I think of the Marx Brothers and Harpo Marx who were great comedians and it is ironic that it is a joke that everyone hails and bows down to Queen Oprah. Yes she is the know all and do all and everyone in the world is supposed to listen to her because she can part the waters of the Nile River. Yes, Oprah can solve the world’s problems and get Chicago the Olympics at the same time. Nope, not this time.

Who is really to blame for this, well the press has it that the Asian Nations ganged up and decided to get Chicago out in the first round. Other reports say that the IOC was insulted that Mr. Obama felt that only 3 hours of his precious valuable time were spent in the last ditch effort to try and rally support for Chicago. Just like all of our sports teams, we thought we had it in the bag like in the last Super Bowl and instead of that missed touchdown pass by Rex Grossman we got the 3 hour drill by Obama.

Think of the reality of Chicago hosting the Olympics, in many ways I think the cultural diversity of Chicago and the melting pot of ethnic neighborhoods would have been a great sell if they actually used that in their marketing of the city, but who knows what they did unless you are Oprah and privy to all that info. I think they should have used the Chicago Hot Dog as a selling point. Where else in the world can you get the best hot dog. You know the juicy Vienna Hot Dogs on poppy seed buns with mustard, glow in the dark green relish, sport peppers, onions, tomatoes, pickles and celery salt.. MMMM… the world is really missing out on those. Yes, the food…. Who cares about the sports but the food would have been great for the world to experience. Much better than the damn sushi you would have gotten in Tokyo or the Paella in Spain… But then again there are the beaches of Rio. As a sports fan which are typically males, would you rather have the chance to eat world class food or go to the beaches of Rio.

Yes… Rio Wins !!!!

Water Ski Jumping Raccoon Zombies

It was a hot summer night and the raccoons were restless. They had been sleeping most of the day and were getting ready for their nightly run though the neighborhood garbage cans to see what the locals had thrown out after dinner. Joshie the leader of the raccoons was the first to tip over a garbage can. He rummaged through the stuff looking for that perfect morsel to chew on. Upon tipping over his 10th garbage can of the night he found what

looked like to be a perfectly good piece of steak. He took the steak and scurried off and hid under a boat dock near the house where he had tipped the can. He anxiously devoured the steak and took a nap under the dock.

Upon waking up he noticed that his friends Stevie, Crew, Ajay were also asleep and there were more scraps of the steak all around. He kind of woke up in a daze and his eyes were extremely red. It looked weird with the black under his glazy red eyes. As the others woke they had red eyes too. They quickly devoured the rest of the scraps of steak.

It was now about 3AM and the group started off on their next food run. However, they all did not feel well, they were confused and kept bumping into things but continued on. Their vision was blurred and they ended up near the edge of the river. There was an uneasy feeling around the entire group. In the distance they saw a shadow and uncharacteristically slowly approached the figure which was a fisherman getting his gear ready for an early morning fishing trip.

All of a sudden Joshie rushed the fisherman and the rest of the pack followed. They attacked the poor man until he laid lifeless on the deck of his boat. They then devoured his body until there was nothing but bones left. What had happened?? They were no longer afraid of the humans. They went on without their usual sleep and attacked 4 more humans during the course of the day. They were in a hypnotic state and could not get enough human meat. They had become a pack of Raccoon Zombies wandering through the town looking for their next victims.

The word spread and the people near town were now arming themselves against the Raccoons, they were shooting guns at them but it did not work, it was as if they developed super human powers from eating the flesh of the humans. They rummaged the town eating and killing everything in sight and the seemed to be no end to this total destruction.

On the second night after turning into Zombies they found a boat and hotwired the ignition. The Raccoons had decided to go on a joyride. They took the boat up and down the river hitting boat ramps made for the water skiing show and flying the boat through the air. Now they were just getting daring as they found skis in the back of the boat. They decided to each take turns and were now waterskiing through the river at out of control speeds. Ajay took a ramp and did a triple summersault while in the air. He hit the dock hard head first and was now lifeless. The others did not care and it was now Crews’ turn. Joshie was driving the boat and decided to do 360’s while Crew was on the skis… the ski rope got tied up in Crews neck and he was strangled. Joshie thought who cares and was now even more out of control. Yes… More food for me, I do not have to share eating the humans any more were the thoughts racing through his head. Stevie realized that Joshie was out of control and found a golf club in the back of the boat. He attacked Joshie with it while the boat was running out of control at over 120 miles per hour. In the midst of the fight the boat rammed into the deck and erupted into a huge ball of flame.

Both of the remaining Raccoons crawled out of the boat and were dazed again. The red was out of their eyes and they were not sure of what had happened. Neither one said anything to the other as they scampered through the woods for days and nights. They finally settled and found a golf course far away from the town they were in to hide in. They were last seen chasing balls through the woods.