It's Fricking Hot !!!!!!

OK so I moved south 20 years ago to get away from the cold and snow and all the bullshit weather up north in Chicago. Yes, the sunny south where you can pretty much golf year around and never really take out a parka or snow shovel or scarf or gloves.. At least I don’t but of course there are some wimps that do, that’s because they do not know the meaning of the word cold.( I don’t need to mention names but you guys know who you are). Wind blowing in your face that your cheeks feel like they are going to be ripped off at any second as you try to cover your mouth from the cold with a scarf only to find out the moisture from your mouth when you last covered it is now frozen in the scarf and that your beard and mustache have little fricking icicles hanging from them (or are those just frozen snots). Some people down here where gloves when it gets below 30. (WIMPS)

Overall I am so glad about my little experiment and move down here. No Cold, No Ice, No Snow, No Frozen Snots. YEA!!!!! But every once in a while you get a year in which it is just so fricking hot!!! I know it has been hot everywhere this year but come on down here where it has been over 90 for what seems like 1000 days in a row. That’s right a fricking 1000 days. OK so I am exaggerating, but it does seem that way. This really screws with my golf game and that is something that just not need screwing with cuz it is bad enough already. It’s hard to hit a ball with sweat running into your eyes, though your shirt, pants, balls, tits…. That’s right sweat is everywhere and all the time if you are outdoors.

During the summer it is a virtual cesspool of sweat. Really, if you drive down the road and you think you are going through a puddle of water… YOUR WRONG… It is a smelly ole puddle of sweat from someone who was dumb enough to run down the road or walk down it or just stand there. Yes, puddles of sweat everywhere…. and this is in Greenville. If you happen to go to Columbia, SC it is even worse. Everyone down here knows that it is the armpit of the South. And not just because it is home to the South Carolina Gamecocks. It is because it is the most awful, hot, humid, gnat infested place in the South. You literally breath in disgusting gnats when you are trying to do anything down there.

Now that you got me talking about USC, everyone thinks that a Gamecock is a bird, but really the mascot of USC is named after how ones cock smells during the summer in Columbia… Yes Gamey !!!! There we have “Gamecock “fans, the real meaning of your mascot is a smelly ole penis during the hot of summer in the South.
Ok now, sorry for the digression but it had to come out eventually. I know many people probably have thought about that in the past… but I had the balls, and not smelly ones to say it!!!!!!

Now that I got that out in the open, lets talk more about this doggone heat. Yeah. We have all heard the “How hot is it jokes” on late night TV. Yep Letterman gets away with it every single year and uses the same old rehashed jokes over and over and over again. Then his old sidekick who is get balder and balder every year laughs at these rethreads like “ I just fried an egg on the sidewalk or was that on your
bald ass head. “How hot is it Jokes” and then the stupid “ Bada dada” drumbeat that goes along with every dumb and corny joke. I know because people say I should walk around with my own tape recorded drumbeat for some of the corny shit I say all the time. I really think it would be funny to try to fry and egg on Paul Schafers head.

If we are going to have to hear jokes about the heat make them good, because I do not want to waste my time on old jokes. I get to crabby in this fricking heat to have a sense of humor. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep , I have no energy I just want to stay inside and blast the air conditioning, at least the first month until the electric bill comes. Then the rest of the summer I just sit at home in myself made pool of sweat with no air conditioning on and hope I do not turn into a USC fan !!!