Over the past month we have been infiltrated by stories about the Ponzi scheme which was the brainchild of Bernie Madoff and how he admittedly has scammed people out of a total of $50 Billion dollars. Recent reports say the number may be more like $17 Billion. I personally do not think we will really ever be sure how much money was scammed. Anyway not being real up on this kind of stuff I did not know what this was all about at first. If you know me, sometimes I can be hard of hearing, so at first I thought people were talking about a “Fonzie” scheme and it involved Greg Maddox who was a pitcher for the Atlanta Braves.
So when the suggestion came to write about Maddox ( Oopps Madoff) my twisted little mind started to think of how “Fonzie” would put together a scheme like this with the help of all the rest of his “Happy Days” co-conspirators. If you think about it, the past 30 years or so have been very “Happy Days” for Madoff, which incidentally is about the period of time that Happy Days has been off the air. Think about it over all these years, he was probably just singing his way to the bank.
So what about this “Fonzi” Scheme, do you really think he would have the brains to pull it off or was he just the front man. I personally think it was all Opies’ idea. Ooops I meant Richie Cunnigham . Richie was kind of the ring leader coming up with ideas and his henchmen Ralph Malph and Potsie would kind of just screw things up for him. Potsie is where I got confused, think of it , if Arthur Fonzarelli had been Arther Ponzarelli, then it really could be a Ponzie Scheme. Mr.C was the mouth of the organization because he could sell anything and who would not trust a short little pudgy guy. (And I am not talking about myself here)
They now say that they are finding smaller Ponzie schemes that have been going on around the country. There is one that is much smaller in Boca Raton, Florida in which they say the guy scammed $50,000,000 but now cannot be found. In our Happy Days model this would be called a Chachi Scheme because Chachi was supposed to be a smaller version of Fonzie and the actor that played him, Scott Baio is also nowhere to be found.
The signature calling of Fonzi was the thumbs up signal while he was saying “Aaayyy” , I think Mr. Madoff will be getting more than a thumb up somewhere in prison and his signature calling will be something like. “ Heeeyyy”
Well, in closing and all along with our theme, here is a new song for him to sing on the way to Jail.
PONZI SCHEMES ( To the tune of the opening theme of “Happy Days”)
In case you do not remember the tune,click the link below for the Happy Days Theme Song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6dOJhfrklg
Took Kings’ Money, Ponzi Scheme.
Bacons’ also, Ponzi Scheme.
Speilburg Charities, Ponzi Scheme.
Oh my gosh, what a take
Ripping off all my friends
Those days were all,
Ponzi Schemes (Those Ponzi Schemes)
These days are now,
Fucked up for me. (oh baby)
Goodbye penthouse, hello cell.
There gonna get me, cuz I screwed you.
Felt so right, but it was wrong.
That’s why I wrote this fricking song
(Musical interlude)
Took Kings’ Money, Ponzi Scheme.
Bacons’ also, Ponzi Scheme.
Speilburg Charities, Ponzi Scheme.
Oh my gosh, what a take
Ripping off all my friends
These days are now,
Fucked up for me (No Happy Days)
I’ll no longer be, Happy and Free
These prison days are all for me
These prison days are all for me, Ponzi Schemes
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Late Night Phone Calls
Did you ever have one of those nights where really all you wanted to do was crash early? So, you get yourself relaxed in whatever way you do it. You know drink a couple cocktails, take a long bath, get a good book and get under the covers early. Poof you are asleep by 10:00 PM. You’re in such a deep sleep off in dreamland about something good. Then all of a sudden….. RING>> RING>> RING>>. It’s the frickin telephone. You open up your blurry eyes and try to focus on the clock but really can’t comprehend what time it is. Look like it is somewhere between 12:00 and 3:00 because it is so blurry. Your mind starts racing who would be calling so late, Oh My God is it an emergency? You pick up the phone and answer it in your extremely tired, pissed off, confused mode of speech. And then you hear…. an extremely drunken voice on the other end of the phone wanting to talk.
We have all gotten these phone calls from a variety of different people (at least I have). They come in different categories and I may not even have all of them. Now before I get into this, I need to write a disclaimer that this is not to bust on any of my drunkass friends who have called me late at night as it happens to everyone and this is a test only a test of the emergency broadcast system.
1) The Ex: That’s right it’s the Ex, drunk out of his or her mind. It could be the Ex boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, one night stand, who knows and who cares. They are drunk and are now making 2:00 AM calls to you. Yes the 2AM slurring confession of love “ I mish you sho mush”. Do you really frickin care? Who the the hell is the person to think that you would even want to talk to their sorry drunk ass at 10:00 PM nonetheless at 2:00 AM in the frickin morning. They want you to let them come over or to meet you somewhere. They have no clue that you just got some earlier that evening from the new person in your life, because to them there could never be a new person. Yes, the alcohol has talked the courage into them to make a complete and total ass of themselves. So after you hang up on the stupid idiot, you go back to bed and dream about getting some again from the person you got some from earlier that night and never think about the drunkass that was on the phone again until the next time the SOB calls.
2) The friends out partying: It’s late and they have all been out since 9PM drinking up a storm. All you here is loud music in the background and they want you to come out because there are a bunch of hot guys or girls wherever they are and think you need to get out more. “Cmon jon’t be a whimp”,” Itsh shearly shtill “. Yep they have lost all sense of reality and think you should be out with them. It just isn’t the same without you they say in their drunken stupor. You kindly tell then to frick off and that you’re tired, they should grow the frick up and understand that normal humans do not party all the time anymore. You then them to fill you in on all the fun tomorrow. You hang up knowing they will be hung over as hell in the morning and you won’t. it’s too bad you don’t have a huge bet against them in a golf match the following morning.
3) The long lost friend: You pick up the phone and you hear, “Hey, Gesh who?” “Whatsha doin lately?” Your friend(s) that you may not have seen or heard from in years have been out drinking and somehow your name has been brought up in conversation. They after they get home or sometimes while they are still out now in the days of cellphones, they decide to call and see how you are doing. You really want to talk but what you really want to do is go through the phone and choke some sense into them that you just don’t call that late, yet you really would like to talk with them but not now. You talk for a few minutes and tell them you’ll call them tomorrow to catch up. So you hang up after listening to them blab and blab for a few minutes. Right after you hang up you realize you do not have their phone number. Oh Well, that’s OK they’ll call next time their drinking and you can get the number then.
4) Lonely Drunk Friends: They are alone after coming home or maybe have been drinking at home all night alone. Their minds have been wandering all over the place and they have completely lost track of any sense of time as they stumble around the house. Their only means of survival is to pick up the phone to call you. They think they are making perfect sense but you cannot understand a single fricking word they are saying. It’s so bad that I can’t even begin to write how the slurring goes when you get one of these calls. You try not to be too pissed at them but hang up as soon as you can get them to stop trying to talk. You hang up and they call you again five minutes later because they have forgotten that they called you already. Sad but true. So you finally turn off your ringer so you can get some sleep. If you want to be an asshole, set your alarm for 6AM and call them up cuz you know they will be feeling like shit that early after passing out into oblivion about 3:00 AM after they realized you were not going to answer anymore.
Yes, we have all received these kind of calls and probably have made some of them too. I know I have never been drunk enough in my life to make any of these types of phone calls. ( LOL). It makes you want to get rid of your home phone and just use your cell because you can turn off a cell but can only just turn off your ringer at home. But who the hell can remember to do that every night. The only solution is to get as drunk as your friends every night so that when one of them calls you can all understand each other because drunken gibberish is best under stood by someone else that is drunk and also talking drunken gibberish.
OK She ya Necst Tyme!!!
We have all gotten these phone calls from a variety of different people (at least I have). They come in different categories and I may not even have all of them. Now before I get into this, I need to write a disclaimer that this is not to bust on any of my drunkass friends who have called me late at night as it happens to everyone and this is a test only a test of the emergency broadcast system.
1) The Ex: That’s right it’s the Ex, drunk out of his or her mind. It could be the Ex boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, one night stand, who knows and who cares. They are drunk and are now making 2:00 AM calls to you. Yes the 2AM slurring confession of love “ I mish you sho mush”. Do you really frickin care? Who the the hell is the person to think that you would even want to talk to their sorry drunk ass at 10:00 PM nonetheless at 2:00 AM in the frickin morning. They want you to let them come over or to meet you somewhere. They have no clue that you just got some earlier that evening from the new person in your life, because to them there could never be a new person. Yes, the alcohol has talked the courage into them to make a complete and total ass of themselves. So after you hang up on the stupid idiot, you go back to bed and dream about getting some again from the person you got some from earlier that night and never think about the drunkass that was on the phone again until the next time the SOB calls.
2) The friends out partying: It’s late and they have all been out since 9PM drinking up a storm. All you here is loud music in the background and they want you to come out because there are a bunch of hot guys or girls wherever they are and think you need to get out more. “Cmon jon’t be a whimp”,” Itsh shearly shtill “. Yep they have lost all sense of reality and think you should be out with them. It just isn’t the same without you they say in their drunken stupor. You kindly tell then to frick off and that you’re tired, they should grow the frick up and understand that normal humans do not party all the time anymore. You then them to fill you in on all the fun tomorrow. You hang up knowing they will be hung over as hell in the morning and you won’t. it’s too bad you don’t have a huge bet against them in a golf match the following morning.
3) The long lost friend: You pick up the phone and you hear, “Hey, Gesh who?” “Whatsha doin lately?” Your friend(s) that you may not have seen or heard from in years have been out drinking and somehow your name has been brought up in conversation. They after they get home or sometimes while they are still out now in the days of cellphones, they decide to call and see how you are doing. You really want to talk but what you really want to do is go through the phone and choke some sense into them that you just don’t call that late, yet you really would like to talk with them but not now. You talk for a few minutes and tell them you’ll call them tomorrow to catch up. So you hang up after listening to them blab and blab for a few minutes. Right after you hang up you realize you do not have their phone number. Oh Well, that’s OK they’ll call next time their drinking and you can get the number then.
4) Lonely Drunk Friends: They are alone after coming home or maybe have been drinking at home all night alone. Their minds have been wandering all over the place and they have completely lost track of any sense of time as they stumble around the house. Their only means of survival is to pick up the phone to call you. They think they are making perfect sense but you cannot understand a single fricking word they are saying. It’s so bad that I can’t even begin to write how the slurring goes when you get one of these calls. You try not to be too pissed at them but hang up as soon as you can get them to stop trying to talk. You hang up and they call you again five minutes later because they have forgotten that they called you already. Sad but true. So you finally turn off your ringer so you can get some sleep. If you want to be an asshole, set your alarm for 6AM and call them up cuz you know they will be feeling like shit that early after passing out into oblivion about 3:00 AM after they realized you were not going to answer anymore.
Yes, we have all received these kind of calls and probably have made some of them too. I know I have never been drunk enough in my life to make any of these types of phone calls. ( LOL). It makes you want to get rid of your home phone and just use your cell because you can turn off a cell but can only just turn off your ringer at home. But who the hell can remember to do that every night. The only solution is to get as drunk as your friends every night so that when one of them calls you can all understand each other because drunken gibberish is best under stood by someone else that is drunk and also talking drunken gibberish.
OK She ya Necst Tyme!!!
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Abductions from Outer Space – Raising a Teenager
It was recently brought to my attention that the abductions from outer space have begun on some of my friends’ children. You know what I mean; they sweep down in their spaceships from the Planet “Stupidia Ignoramus “and abduct our teenage children. It’s not that the children become missing but that they replace them with exact” look a likes”. The only problem is the” look alike” has had everything we taught them sucked out of their brains. All the common sense you thought you taught them is now completely gone.
This typically happens to children between the ages of 13 to 16, but they do not come back sometimes until they reach 18 or so. You can not notice the fact that they are missing immediately as it takes a while for you to realize that this is not your child anymore. Yes, it begins somewhat innocently with the occasional mouth off which you typically would beat the crap out of them for or put them on restrictions, but over time these alien children become immune to these punishments and just don’t care. Then it all begins to snowball, they don’t listen any more, they don’t clean rooms, they mouth off and disrespect any authority figure. Yes, this is just the easy stuff.
As time goes on it just gets worse, these alien kids are now growing into large monster beings and they begin to steal your cars for joy riding, run away from home, skip school and tons of other disturbing behavior As a parent you start to think is this really the child I raised, the answer is NO. This is an alien “Stupidian Ignoramus “who has been sent here to test your resiliency against any type of situation. It is a test by the aliens to see exactly how much bullshit an adult human being can stand before one completely frickin snaps or go into a nervous breakdown because of the “Ignoramus”. This is all a preemptive move as they prepare to attack and rule the earth.
You may wonder how they communicate with the alien child as to what moves to make to drive you crazy. This is done in a variety of methods. The easiest method is through the other “Ignoramus” children here on earth often referred to as their “friends”. These friends pass on the communications they have previously had and put ideas in these “our” aliens’ heads as to how to screw with our heads. They often communicate back to “Stupidia Ignoramus “via their computers and video games. Why do you think they whine so much when their headpiece to XBOX breaks, that is because they are then out of communication with the home planet. They will often shut their doors while this communication is in place and mask their talking by the music coming from “Rock Band”. The last form of communication is with text messaging, normal humans cannot move their fingers as fast as these alien kids on those tiny little keyboards.
In addition to the behavior problems, the “Stupidian Ignoramuses” beings eat you out of house and home, they bring over the other alien beings that have now grown to be over 6 feet tall and eat everything you may have around. Even though you have plenty of food they constantly complain about the fact that there is nothing to eat. These alien friends are often disguised as teammates on your childs’ football team, basketball team or for that manner any sport or activity group. This is an attempt to hit at part of our dwindling finances by making us spend more money on food. Then once you have plenty of food in the house they eat it all in one day with their alien friends and start the complaining all over again. They constantly ask for money to do this or to do that and typically do not want to get a job to help pay for anything but think it is a given right to their existence. Another way they hit our finances is for all the medications “Prozac” we have to buy for ourselves to cope with them.
As you are just about at your wits end after many years of this emotional merry go round ,financial distress and sleepless nights, all of sudden the behavior stops, they start acting responsibly, get jobs, pay for their food, drive their own cars, go to college and become adult like people. This is when you can tell that the aliens have returned your child now to you and are ready to abduct a whole new group of children. Congratulation, you have just raised a teenager and you now have a young adult!!!
This typically happens to children between the ages of 13 to 16, but they do not come back sometimes until they reach 18 or so. You can not notice the fact that they are missing immediately as it takes a while for you to realize that this is not your child anymore. Yes, it begins somewhat innocently with the occasional mouth off which you typically would beat the crap out of them for or put them on restrictions, but over time these alien children become immune to these punishments and just don’t care. Then it all begins to snowball, they don’t listen any more, they don’t clean rooms, they mouth off and disrespect any authority figure. Yes, this is just the easy stuff.
As time goes on it just gets worse, these alien kids are now growing into large monster beings and they begin to steal your cars for joy riding, run away from home, skip school and tons of other disturbing behavior As a parent you start to think is this really the child I raised, the answer is NO. This is an alien “Stupidian Ignoramus “who has been sent here to test your resiliency against any type of situation. It is a test by the aliens to see exactly how much bullshit an adult human being can stand before one completely frickin snaps or go into a nervous breakdown because of the “Ignoramus”. This is all a preemptive move as they prepare to attack and rule the earth.
You may wonder how they communicate with the alien child as to what moves to make to drive you crazy. This is done in a variety of methods. The easiest method is through the other “Ignoramus” children here on earth often referred to as their “friends”. These friends pass on the communications they have previously had and put ideas in these “our” aliens’ heads as to how to screw with our heads. They often communicate back to “Stupidia Ignoramus “via their computers and video games. Why do you think they whine so much when their headpiece to XBOX breaks, that is because they are then out of communication with the home planet. They will often shut their doors while this communication is in place and mask their talking by the music coming from “Rock Band”. The last form of communication is with text messaging, normal humans cannot move their fingers as fast as these alien kids on those tiny little keyboards.
In addition to the behavior problems, the “Stupidian Ignoramuses” beings eat you out of house and home, they bring over the other alien beings that have now grown to be over 6 feet tall and eat everything you may have around. Even though you have plenty of food they constantly complain about the fact that there is nothing to eat. These alien friends are often disguised as teammates on your childs’ football team, basketball team or for that manner any sport or activity group. This is an attempt to hit at part of our dwindling finances by making us spend more money on food. Then once you have plenty of food in the house they eat it all in one day with their alien friends and start the complaining all over again. They constantly ask for money to do this or to do that and typically do not want to get a job to help pay for anything but think it is a given right to their existence. Another way they hit our finances is for all the medications “Prozac” we have to buy for ourselves to cope with them.
As you are just about at your wits end after many years of this emotional merry go round ,financial distress and sleepless nights, all of sudden the behavior stops, they start acting responsibly, get jobs, pay for their food, drive their own cars, go to college and become adult like people. This is when you can tell that the aliens have returned your child now to you and are ready to abduct a whole new group of children. Congratulation, you have just raised a teenager and you now have a young adult!!!
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