Comments by Eddy P

Oh No! Snow in the South

2011-01-09T15:08:00.004-05:00

Oh shit, here we go again with another prediction of snow for the Carolinas. Being from Chicago, I find it hilarious that people get so excited and bent out of shape over a little snow. OK so I guess it is cool for the kids to over react because they get a day out of school even if just one fricking snowflake sticks to the ground in the northern part of the county which is 30 miles away. Yep, if one part of the school district has ice on the roads, than everyone is out for the day. But when there is actually snow I am happy for the kids down here to be able to experience sledding and snowball fights and snowmen because that is fun for kids and also was fun for me as a kid. Yep, we would make snowballs and then let them freeze in the it cold a little bit so they would get nice and hard. Then when the snowball fight started you would use these hard snowballs / ice balls intermittently to nail someone you thought was a real jerk anyway. This would send them running home crying to their mommies and you could have a good fight then with the kids you liked. That was until the kid that you hit with the ice ball would tell his Mom and she would call your Mom and then your ass was grounded. Little dweebs who run home to their Mom’s should not be allowed in snowball fights to begin with.

Now, let’s get back to the HYPE of snow in the south. First, the news channel weather people start getting everyone worked up about 3 to 4 days ahead of time by saying there “could be” a winter event. WTF is a winter event. To me that is like sledding or an ice hockey game outside or Christmas Caroling before the Holiday or an outside winter festival. Those are traditional type Winter Events” . But, it is the Carolinas and most of the rest of the South a Winter Event is a snowfall. I guess they call it an Event because it does not happen too much kinda like seeing the real Easter Bunny would be an event… Hippity Hoppity hop hop hip, who the heck knows, anyway it is an Event. So now, the news media has everyone all hyped up that it is all you fricking hear about. Yes we have run through half of our ice melting equipment for the year because we have and a total of 4” of snow. Give me a fucking break here.

So the hype goes on and it is the lead story for the news forever and ever. What makes this funny is that most of the time the snow does not happen or it is just a light dusting. Regardless, everyone runs out to the grocery store to buy milk and bread. In Chicago when we knew a blizzard was coming we went out to get beer, vodka, whiskey and pretzels, because a good old blizzard when you are actually stranded due to 24” of snow is a great frickin overnight party. Staggering through the streets, walking from bar to bar, doing snow angels and eventually ending up at someone’s house who lived closed to where you were staggering. Also for some reason, the birth rate for some reason peaks about 9 months after a good Chicago blizzard. Yep we knew how to have fun in the snow back home.

Yes milk and bread, bread and milk,that is all everyone frickin talks about over here. So the grocery stores are a an absolute madhouse and everyone is stocking up as if they will be stuck at home for a week, and there is no milk and bread left even before the snow begins and the bread truck will not come out till the Event is over because those drivers don’t want to drive in the snow. It is just a total ”snowball” effect on everything that goes on down here.

So now, let say we actually get snow or ice on the ground. NO ONE drives, the roads are wide open. There have been times I have gone to my office 25 miles from home and people who live a mile away do not show up because it is too dangerous to drive. Give me a break here. Yes, we must be careful and they do not have a lot of snow removal equipment down here, but come on now. I have personally driven through blizzards and ice storms and all kind of shitty weather because that is just what you do when you live up north. No baby ass excuse because there is one frickin inch of snow on the ground.

School gets cancelled if there is any amount of snow which screws up everything if you have younger children in school or even older ones because you have to make sure you are home because the older ones see this as a party and you have to watch out because if given the chance they will party like Chicago people in the snow. Not afraid of it, but taking advantage of everything they can.. Yee Haa snow party at Bubba’s house. Let’s find someone to buy beer invite some girls over and don’t forget the condoms.

There seem to be news reports by the minute as soon as the snow starts. Yes, we have our weather person live on the bridge over the Interstate, then they pan to him watching what flakes are coming down and pathetically trying to make a snowball ball from ¼” of sleet on the ground. Then constant reports about everything and anything related to snow. The school, business and church closings scroll across the bottom of your television screen and never seem to end. Yes, they announce church closing down here in the Bible Belt. That was completely a new one to me, ok whatever. Everything in the area closes with 1” of snow on the ground, so my theory is that people do not go out anywhere because there is no where to go because everything is closed because people are just morons when it comes to driving in this crap. I agree it is dangerous out there, but not because of the snow or snow accumulation, but because you have some morons who have not driven in the snow before trying to drive and just so inept that they cause danger to those that know how to drive in the snow. Yes, there are some real mental geniuses down here. Come on Bubbas let’s drive 50 mile on hour, slam on the brakes and try to do donuts and see if we can still be in control. Yep… dumbasses.

So, what is one to do. When in Rome do as the Romans. So, when I finally get home from work on one of these days, I just sit in my chair and laugh eating my sandwich, drinking a glass of milk and watching the morons on TV. Why would I do that after all this complaining….. because the damn liquor store is closed too.

Crop Dusting Time at Wally World

2010-12-31T18:41:00.003-05:00

You have to have been living on another planet or just plain out of touch with reality if you do no know what I am referring to by Wally World. Is it a fun park?? Is it a world of its own?? Is it a place where everyone should be called Wally?? The answers to these are looming in the background, foreground or should be right in your face.

However, before I get into any answers on that, let’s talk about the name Wally. I just personally think that Wally is a silly name. Yes it has history when used as Walter, “Sir Walter Raleigh” is a perfect example and it does sound dignified. But what about “Sir Wally Raleigh” to me it sounds silly and kind of like to should be a kid’s song title. Wally also reminds me somehow of Weebles. Remember, Weebles wobble but they won’t fall down. Wallys wobble but they won’t fall down is just as funny to me. If you ask me, although John Candy did not play a character named Wally, but he did work at Walley World in “Vacation”, he should have been named Wally too because he looks like a Weebly Wally.

Ok now back to our Wally World, and No the answer is not an amusement park because that was just fictional for the movie. But wait… maybe in the real sense of the word it is an amusement park because I am amused at the people who actually visit its name sake which is really a department store / grocery store fun park world all in itself.

Just look at the diversity of people in a Walmart they are from every ethnic background and culture, every socio- economic group, every city (except NY, Chicago) Yeah, that makes sense. Think of the money lost by not having stores n the inner part of those major cities, and I am possibly missing a few more. The inner city would be the perfect place for a frickin WalMart. Weird people and more weird people and weird stories and more weird stories.

Have you ever checked out the website. http://www.peopleofwalmart.com The pictures and captions are absolutely hilarious as well as some of the stories. It has proven the Walmart is definitely the Mecca of fashion for the redneck world. Look at the pictures on the website… woohoo!!! Laughing my ass off!! Also, if you want to see fat butt cracks like those on your plumber, you came to the right place. Butt Crack City. Hey, maybe that should be the new name. Big butt cracks, small butt cracks, hanging boobies ,cleavage on heavy women who have not bathed in a week. Yep all the stuff that just wants to make you puke.

Wow, what great stuff and stories and pictures about some of the scum of the earth and just weird ass low life’s that visit Walmart on regular occasion. Now, not to say that I or many other normal people ( if you could call me normal) have not been at a Walmart in the past as I admit I have. I normally throw on a baseball hat and large sunglasses so no one recognizes me, but WTF most of the people in there a Frickin Scary.

That is why I propose that we have a day set aside each month to Crop Dust all Walmart Stores. This could either be a simultaneous operation with all stores being dusted at the same time. Or better yet, I think it should be a random times so the enemy does not know what is coming. It could be a dual phased attack with small remote control planes circling the store and dropping substances that would make the creatures retreat back into their holes. The voice would come over the intercom “ ATTENTION WALMART SHOPPERS YOU ARE ABOUT TO BE CROP DUSTED !!! The first phase of the tiny airplanes would begin bobbing and weaving above every aisle. And spraying disinfectant! Then when they are running out of the store, we could have a second wave of real crop dusters flying over the parking lot with flyers dropping from the plane offering free anything. They will then leave the Walmart in search of the free stuff. Once all the scum is eliminated it would then be safe for normal people to once again go in search of their cheap items without having the annoyance or amusement of watching the weirdoes. Then again, what fun would it be to go without the show? Oh, decisions, decisions, decisions.

A Tide Pen for Everything !!! ???

2010-12-28T14:14:00.004-05:00

Ok so I had to ask what a Tide Pen was when I got this suggestion, but did figure it out with a little help from Google. For those of you challenged like me, a Tide Pen is a little pen that you rub on a stain when you get one that takes it out after washing it. Now we will not debate whether or not it really works as some people swear by it and others curse by it.

That’s right there are products that get rid of everything. Tide Pen, Magic Eraser and who can forget Billy Mays pitching Fix-It Pro, Mighty Mend-It and last but not least Oxiclean.

So what if we had a product for everything we screwed up in our lives and “poof” it would magically be back to the way it was before we screwed it up. Or do we really want to fix everything we screwed up because some things are better left unfixed. Kind of like the old movie “Back to the Future”. If some things weren’t messed up then others would not have happened and then everything would be different but would it be different for the better or for the worse.

Ok lets’ say we had a product that took care of all bad past relationships. “ Poof”… it took care of the relationship part but the other person is still as Asshole or Bitch or whatever else they were that caused the bad relationship. Yep it can take the stain out of an ugly shirt, but damn, it is still an ugly shirt. But what the hell not a bad concept.

BUT WAIT !!!!!!

Now Eddy P has an Amazing Offer just for you !!!

Still having problems with that Asshole that the Tide Pen would not fix…., you can still fix the second part of this with the Amazing Asshole Eraser. That’s right for $$$$$$$$ you can get the Amazing Asshole eraser and make sure that the Asshole is no longer around at all. The Asshole Eraser is shipped to you via plane, train or automobile and looks amazingly human. It comes in a variety of Ethnic variations and comes equipped with a multitude of Fantastic Options for dealing with Assholes including a 44 Magnum for the ultimate wipeout, Nunchuckas, the Tanya knee busters for immobilization rather than elimination, and the Elin autographed Flying Golf Club, among other mass weapons of Asshole destruction. That’s right for a mere $$$$$$$ you can eliminate that problem. But wait there’s more. If you order now you get a CD of the complete Guide to Communicating with the Asshole Eraser in Song. That’s right, Songs made to communicate with your Asshole Eraser Completely Free. The songs include the necessary information to program your Asshole Eraser to take care of the problem, and are cute little jingles to sing while you know the problem is being eliminated. Hit Tunes like “Just kill the SOB” , “Wipe that MF off the face of the earth” and the favorite. “Eliminate Him Now”

Disclaimer: Product not warranted against eventual arrest for Murder, Manslaughter or other Criminal Activity.

It's Fricking Hot !!!!!!

2010-08-01T19:49:00.004-04:00

OK so I moved south 20 years ago to get away from the cold and snow and all the bullshit weather up north in Chicago. Yes, the sunny south where you can pretty much golf year around and never really take out a parka or snow shovel or scarf or gloves.. At least I don’t but of course there are some wimps that do, that’s because they do not know the meaning of the word cold.( I don’t need to mention names but you guys know who you are). Wind blowing in your face that your cheeks feel like they are going to be ripped off at any second as you try to cover your mouth from the cold with a scarf only to find out the moisture from your mouth when you last covered it is now frozen in the scarf and that your beard and mustache have little fricking icicles hanging from them (or are those just frozen snots). Some people down here where gloves when it gets below 30. (WIMPS)

Overall I am so glad about my little experiment and move down here. No Cold, No Ice, No Snow, No Frozen Snots. YEA!!!!! But every once in a while you get a year in which it is just so fricking hot!!! I know it has been hot everywhere this year but come on down here where it has been over 90 for what seems like 1000 days in a row. That’s right a fricking 1000 days. OK so I am exaggerating, but it does seem that way. This really screws with my golf game and that is something that just not need screwing with cuz it is bad enough already. It’s hard to hit a ball with sweat running into your eyes, though your shirt, pants, balls, tits…. That’s right sweat is everywhere and all the time if you are outdoors.

During the summer it is a virtual cesspool of sweat. Really, if you drive down the road and you think you are going through a puddle of water… YOUR WRONG… It is a smelly ole puddle of sweat from someone who was dumb enough to run down the road or walk down it or just stand there. Yes, puddles of sweat everywhere…. and this is in Greenville. If you happen to go to Columbia, SC it is even worse. Everyone down here knows that it is the armpit of the South. And not just because it is home to the South Carolina Gamecocks. It is because it is the most awful, hot, humid, gnat infested place in the South. You literally breath in disgusting gnats when you are trying to do anything down there.

Now that you got me talking about USC, everyone thinks that a Gamecock is a bird, but really the mascot of USC is named after how ones cock smells during the summer in Columbia… Yes Gamey !!!! There we have “Gamecock “fans, the real meaning of your mascot is a smelly ole penis during the hot of summer in the South.
Ok now, sorry for the digression but it had to come out eventually. I know many people probably have thought about that in the past… but I had the balls, and not smelly ones to say it!!!!!!

Now that I got that out in the open, lets talk more about this doggone heat. Yeah. We have all heard the “How hot is it jokes” on late night TV. Yep Letterman gets away with it every single year and uses the same old rehashed jokes over and over and over again. Then his old sidekick who is get balder and balder every year laughs at these rethreads like “ I just fried an egg on the sidewalk or was that on your
bald ass head. “How hot is it Jokes” and then the stupid “ Bada dada” drumbeat that goes along with every dumb and corny joke. I know because people say I should walk around with my own tape recorded drumbeat for some of the corny shit I say all the time. I really think it would be funny to try to fry and egg on Paul Schafers head.

If we are going to have to hear jokes about the heat make them good, because I do not want to waste my time on old jokes. I get to crabby in this fricking heat to have a sense of humor. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep , I have no energy I just want to stay inside and blast the air conditioning, at least the first month until the electric bill comes. Then the rest of the summer I just sit at home in myself made pool of sweat with no air conditioning on and hope I do not turn into a USC fan !!!

Conferences – It’s snowing in Orlando

2010-03-07T12:06:00.003-05:00

Ok, I admit, not snowing but frickin COLD. How can anyone expect you to enjoy yourself at a conference when it is cold and windy? Oh come on now, we all know that the main reason of any conference we go to is the education and listening to the various speakers, to gather information that can be passed on to others in our companies. In addition we get to network with our customers, potential customers, suppliers and colleagues.

There is some fraction of people who think that all people do at conferences is drink, golf and eat expensive dinners. Let me tell you that most of the people I associate with do not have their first drink till at least noon, especially the past couple of conferences I have been to, because it was too cold during those morning tee times to drink anything but coffee. Besides many people ( of course not me) are too hung-over to even think about drinking till at least noon as their red, squinty eyes closely focus on trying to hit the little white fucking golf ball. So you say, OK what were you doing golfing in the morning anyway if you are supposed to be in the conference? AH HA, that is the morning tee times are for the first day of the conference since you have to be there for afternoon meetings and a cocktail parties in the evening.

Yep, there you go mentioning cocktail parties and drinking, told you that is all you guys do. Wrong, this is called a networking event. You meet people who you already know and network with them about where you want to go to dinner and eat and have more drinks. Then again, you sometimes meet people you have not met before that seem to be fun ( or that you think you can get business from) so you invite them along with the group you networked with before to the dinner to eat and have more drinks or to meet you after you have dinner with the original group you had planned with before. The whole idea is to get as many people together so you can exchange slurred misinformation and bitch about the industry or whatever in general.

Some conferences are tougher to endure than others. I was recently at one in which we had to golf for 3 days straight. Oh I am so sorry you had to endure that pain and suffering of being on the golf course for 3 days. Your damn right Skippy, the first 2 days in Sunny Orlando had us golfing in 40/50 degree temperatures with 40 mile per hour winds. It is very discouraging to hit a golf ball in front of a customer that does not go far because of all the wind in your fricking face. I am convinced that my customers used different golf balls or something because even in the wind they went further than mine. So, you try your best and after a few holes decide the only way to get through this excruciating round is to have a drink and loosen up to forget about how cold you really were.

Sometimes the organizers schedule other events for after the meetings which again are networking events. These are typically at a venue away from the actual conference. Many of these have relatively small indoor venues with extra room on the outside. I know you are thinking, another eating and drinking fest. Well, maybe if you consider that if it is cold during the day on the golf course it is cold as hell freezing over at night trying to drink a drink outside because the limited inside seating has gone too fast because you got there too late because you were out golfing with customers and freezing your ass off already. So you have two choices: Stand up and eat in a little corner, while taking off all clothes you have and still being legal about it because it is hot as hell in the room because there are so many people crammed into a little space or go outside and freeze to get away from the heat and also to find a table to sit at.

You have to regain your sanity and get warm and comfortable someplace, so then a group of colleagues decide let’s go to a club. You now find yourself at place you normally would not go to and on the dance floor doing group dances and pretending to be 20 years younger than you are. After enduring this for a couple of hours you drag yourself back to the hotel barely being able to walk because you frinking shoes were not made for being on a dance floor and your bad ankles were only made to sustain your weight while walking and not doing stuff you did when you were much younger. Needless to say you are one of the first to leave.

Ok now another day of meetings and you notice that somehow the 8 AM early morning sessions are not as full as previous days, but by 10AM the room starts filling up again as the important speakers for the day are not scheduled until late. Hhmmm is this a coincidence? The morning rolls along with the various speakers and for some weird reason the majority of the people in the room are wearing sunglasses. I guess they are just preparing their eyes for another bright and sunny Florida day on the golf course. So, when’s the next conference?????

I Can Walk and Fart and Not Break Stride (Dedicated to Uncle Moe)

2010-02-25T19:59:00.003-05:00

Yep, that’s about it. Who care’s how old we are getting, if we can still accomplish our goals, then we are not yet ready to kick the bucket or call ourselves old. It takes years of practice to accomplish the above stated goal. I mean just think about it, when we were babies we farted and crapped our pants and really did not think about it cuz we really couldn't think yet, it was a natural reaction. Maybe it was the smell we were looking to accomplish for attention, but if we couldn't think yet then it was not intentional, but just meant to be . As we got a little older like 8,9,10 and early teens it was just farts… yes farts anywhere and everywhere. The louder and more smelly they were the more we laughed at ourselves or at the ones who were taking the brunt of our home made smelliness. “ Come on Pull my finger”…RIP ONE LOUD ONE hahahahahaha.

I mean let’s get serious here, boys were taught that one by our dads and uncles and older brothers. It was also an attempt to piss off our mothers and sisters who would just say “That’s disgusting” and “Stop It” or “What the fuck is that smell” It was and still is the way that men can amuse ourselves. Yes, farting when younger was all about learning how to get on one’s nerves. Now, as to how women learned how to get on men’s nerves, I digress to the above and it was just meant to be, inherent in their genes. Most women are sneaky when it comes to farts, they have also learned that over time, they are the queens of the SBD’s , yep blaming the dog and stuff like that.

Ok so once again I find myself off topic which is not unusual … Ok so getting older men learn not to fart as much and as loud on purpose anymore because it is disgusting as hammered into our heads by our mothers, sisters and wife’s. But we still get out the occasional SBD ( in which we have learned that technique from ???) But as Uncle Moe said, “I can walk and fart and not break stride”. Yes that is only an accomplishments one can do as they get older. It took Uncle Moe 50 years to finally reach that stage, it takes talent and conditioning and many years of practice and experience to reach this level. So my overall premise in everything is that we are not get older, but to use the old cliché “Just getting better”

So yes, this was a disgusting and tasteless example of us not really aging yet, we are still in control of many things that are around us and our bodily functions at least. And when you are really getting old and not just thinking about it you will know. We are told we will revert back to old habits and sometimes like we were a child again, farting and crapping our pants. But of course that “Depends” upon you.

15 Year Old Drivers

2010-02-06T12:32:00.003-05:00

It is amazing to me how many expert drivers there are at here at the age of 15, although this happens with little or no experience at all. Now, we may have let them drive around the block a few times or in the subdivision or maybe down that lonely country road that no one uses much, but turning 15 presents a unique phenomena. Now, we know every state has their own laws on age, but you will get my point, no matter what that age is, the behavior is all the same.

Somewhere around the 15th birthday the hype starts with getting a drivers permit. So, on their 15th birthday you have to be at the DMV bright and early before it opens so you can be the first in line because that’s what you have to do cuz that’s what all their friends did. Surprised they don’t want to camp overnight like for concert tickets or something like that. I think mine would have had he thought about asking about it, of course I would have said hell no.

Ok now, the permit is in hand and the voice starts and never stops whenever you are getting ready to go anywhere. Dad, can I drive? Dad, can I drive? Dad, can I drive? And far be it for you to say No…. The whining starts and again does not stop. “Why can’t I drive there, I have my permit?” They have learned intimidation through repetitiveness. It’s kind of like when they were younger and would watch the same movie over and over and over. I think I must know every line and every song to “The Lion King” You try to give them a sound reason why they cannot drive this particular trip and you hear. “Why can’t I drive there, I have my permit?” Somewhere in this time frame they have taken a driver’s education class through school or a private company and they ARE the experts at handling any type of driving situation.

You are now strapped in the passenger’s side of the car which in itself is a scary feeling if you are the one used to doing all the driving. You look for the extra seat belt to strap yourself in double but realize there is only one and you do not want to insult your child by putting on a football helmet just in case. You go into the situation knowing that any constructive criticism you have can just tossed out the frickin window because they do no wrong and your words go in one ear and out the other.

After time, you get used to the situation and soon the badgering starts about cars and this friend and that friend and they just got a brand new car and why can’t we get one and why can’t we get one right now. Trying to be practical is totally out of the frickin question, because practical and 15 just do not correlate. You finally decide to bite the bullet and get a used car for the kid. The fun and internal negotiations start, looking at web sites and cars and small cars and big cars and this pickup truck and that pickup truck and this does not have that and that does not have this and on and on and on and on. You write the check finally for what you believe is the best vehicle based on your losing the negotiations with your child. Children are the best negotiators because they just do not take NO for an answer, at least till you beat the crap out of them, but mine is bigger than me now so he would beat the crap out of me.

So now there is a car but no official license yet, so know you are being chauffeured in their car in which you own. Yea, that makes sense. Finally the day of the driver’s test comes and they have you up as early as a Christmas morning to be first in line at the DMV. School? Who cares about school when it is driver’s license day? Kind of like.. “Badges?. We don’t need no stinkin badges." Some pass first time, some fail and have to wait that week to go back… Man, I feel for those parents.

So, you are now the parent of an official teenage driver. What a rush of mixed emotions and feelings, you should be excited for your child but you really want to puke because your gut is all wrapped up the first time they drive away by themselves to go wherever. However, it took me a few time of going through this to find the solution to the anxiety…… VODKA!!!!!

Cell Phones, Texting and Bicycles

2010-02-05T20:15:00.001-05:00

Just when you think you have heard it all about the stupid things people do to stay in touch with their friends via texting and emails and all types of mobile communications you hear something that makes you say… WHAT???

Needless to say enough has been written about the dangers of talking on a phone while you are driving, the lack of attention given to the actual traffic or the speed at which you are driving. I must admit I have experienced this myself. I tend to get too involved in some conversations, all of a sudden you look at the speedometer and you are either going 90 if it was something that excited you in the conversation or you would go real slow sometimes actually trying to think about the conversation. I’m glad that I never tried to have phone sex with anyone while driving I can’t bear to think of how fast I would have been driving then. You would definitely have to be using the speaker phone or a blue tooth so to have at least one hand to drive with. I guess the calming thing about if I would have had phone sex in the car is it would have only lasted a minute or so.

Ok so talking on the phone is one thing, but how about texting and emails. We try to drive and look at the road while at the same time reading a message and then manipulating our fingers on that tiny keyboard to answer an important question or just to BS with a friend. WOW… so much more dangerous than just talking. Now we are actually doing something which takes a part of our brain away from what we are supposed to be doing, and if you don’t’ have much of a brain to begin with it is really taking it to the edge. I mean talking on the phone is almost like talking to the person next to you in the car. The most dangerous part of talking on the cell phone besides getting excited and stuff is typing the fricking phone number on that tiny keyboard. But yes, now let’s just text our way through the whole trip and not look at the road while we are doing it. I know I am just going on a bit of a rant here but come on people. Yes I am somewhat guilty here too, but mostly I just read the messages and then answer later or just call the damn person instead.

Enough said about the regular everyday cell phone or text messaging while driving. Here is the one that got me to say WHAT. Yes, text messaging while riding a bicycle. How the hell do you do that one and how stupid do you have to be to try? I guess you would steer the bike one handed or ride with no hands like we did when we were kids trying to show off in front of the little girls, while holding the phone and texting with the other hand. Now admit it, that does take some skill. Wow, I can just see smashing into all kind of stuff if I were doing that. I would be driving crooked and out of the bike lane if there was one. Not braking on time and smashing into the back of cars. It takes some balls to pull that one off at all. Maybe they should design a bike with an extended metal piece coming up from one side of the handle and a place on it to put your cell phone so you can text that way. I guess it takes some balls to even think about texting and riding a bike, so I think lets name this new bicycle” Textcycle”. Perfect name since only dickheads would be riding one anyway!

Doomy and Gloomy People

2010-02-05T20:14:00.000-05:00

I hate doom and gloom people. Why are they that way? Man, I think they are just a bunch of neglected people and by being doomy and gloomy they get attention from others wondering what the frick is their problem. Reminds me of that old story “Chicken Little” and the sky is falling, the skt is falling. Not to be confused with Tattoo from Fantasy Island saying “De Plane De Plane”. Doomy and Gloomy people like to start controversy by bringing up such doomy and gloomy opinions on life, the world, the economy, the recession, the crack in their ass is too big, their penises are too small, they hate the sun, they hate the clouds , they hate the winter, they hate the summer.

Well, I frickin hate them too. If I wanted to hear nothing but doom and gloom all I really have to do is put on the news. Yes news people I think are naturally doomy and gloomy. It is a requirement of them getting their jobs. They put on their big smiles and all the crap. But they have to make any little problem in the world bigger than life and sensationalize it. Yes, probably this is from the writers and it gets ratings and attention which lead to more advertisers and more money for the televisions or radio station or the syndicated doom and gloom guy who is selling his BS stories to radio stations across the country because most people love to hear gloom and doom

Remember the sentiment earlier this year; it went something like this every night on the evening news. The world is going to end because the recession is never going to stop because people do not want to buy cars from bankrupt companies because they will never ever be able to get them serviced again and there will be no parts available to fix the cars with, and gas prices will be so high that no one can afford to drive and we will all be peddling our bicycles to work if there are even any jobs left to go to because all the manufacturing is leaving to be built in Yugoslavia.. blah blah blah…. Yes, like I believe all the crap. But the sad part is that many people will believe any line of crap that they here on television because all television people are Gods and they know it all.

I believe we have become a nation that thrives on the negative news we here and then because so many people talk about the negative, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I think leaders in our communities, the press and other politicians should have a positive attitude toward life and the situations we find ourselves in. I mean, come on now, the media is the master of the “spin anyway so why not spend some time being creative and put a positive spin on all the negative crap that does go on. Who knows if people start talking positively, then maybe that could become a self fulfilling prophecy also and then sings would all be better and we can have a Pollyanna world once again in which everything is good once again.

Ok so that would not be perfect either, but it would definitely be better than the constant negativism coming out of our media and politicians all the time.

I think the solution to the problem for these people is that we just have to surgically remove the shoe that has been jammed up their asses which makes them unhappy and their need to spread this unhappiness with the world. I guess if I had a shoe jammed up my ass I would be extremely unhappy also. So, Ok… Here ya go… what they really need to do is get that shoe out of their ass and just get fricking laid more often. I know getting laid always puts me in a better mood…………at least until I fall asleep… which you know if I think about it… Is a much better way to fall asleep than to do so just watching the news.

The Olympic Decision

2010-02-05T20:11:00.001-05:00

What about that decision on the Olympics. Well as we all know Chicago lost this one big time. But what else is new for Chicagoans, I mean they are used to losing almost everything all the time anyway.Yes, they had the Super Bowl way back in the 1986 and the Bulls won an amazing 6 Championships in the 90’s and lastly the White Sox won the World Series in 2005. But look at the percentages if you consider the major franchises Bulls, Cubs, White Sox, Bears, Blackhawks. So in the last 25 years there have been 125 Championships that would have been available to Chicago Teams and they have one 8. This gives a winning percentage of 6.4%. We all know if we go back further in time this percentage just keeps shrinking and shrinking, just the anti thesis of the energizer bunny the keeps going and going.. yes Chicago Teams just also keep going and going and losing and losing.

So is it really a surprise that Chicago lost its attempt to get the Olympics. It was in typical Chicago fashion and flair that everyone got all hyped up about nothing. So you had the choice of Tokyo, Chicago, Madrid and Rio. Who the frick really cares that Oprah goes to Copenhagen with Mrs. Obama as the final push. Every time I hear Oprahs’ name I think of her production company name which is Harpo and then I think of the Marx Brothers and Harpo Marx who were great comedians and it is ironic that it is a joke that everyone hails and bows down to Queen Oprah. Yes she is the know all and do all and everyone in the world is supposed to listen to her because she can part the waters of the Nile River. Yes, Oprah can solve the world’s problems and get Chicago the Olympics at the same time. Nope, not this time.

Who is really to blame for this, well the press has it that the Asian Nations ganged up and decided to get Chicago out in the first round. Other reports say that the IOC was insulted that Mr. Obama felt that only 3 hours of his precious valuable time were spent in the last ditch effort to try and rally support for Chicago. Just like all of our sports teams, we thought we had it in the bag like in the last Super Bowl and instead of that missed touchdown pass by Rex Grossman we got the 3 hour drill by Obama.

Think of the reality of Chicago hosting the Olympics, in many ways I think the cultural diversity of Chicago and the melting pot of ethnic neighborhoods would have been a great sell if they actually used that in their marketing of the city, but who knows what they did unless you are Oprah and privy to all that info. I think they should have used the Chicago Hot Dog as a selling point. Where else in the world can you get the best hot dog. You know the juicy Vienna Hot Dogs on poppy seed buns with mustard, glow in the dark green relish, sport peppers, onions, tomatoes, pickles and celery salt.. MMMM… the world is really missing out on those. Yes, the food…. Who cares about the sports but the food would have been great for the world to experience. Much better than the damn sushi you would have gotten in Tokyo or the Paella in Spain… But then again there are the beaches of Rio. As a sports fan which are typically males, would you rather have the chance to eat world class food or go to the beaches of Rio.

Yes… Rio Wins !!!!

Water Ski Jumping Raccoon Zombies

2010-02-05T20:06:00.001-05:00

It was a hot summer night and the raccoons were restless. They had been sleeping most of the day and were getting ready for their nightly run though the neighborhood garbage cans to see what the locals had thrown out after dinner. Joshie the leader of the raccoons was the first to tip over a garbage can. He rummaged through the stuff looking for that perfect morsel to chew on. Upon tipping over his 10th garbage can of the night he found what

looked like to be a perfectly good piece of steak. He took the steak and scurried off and hid under a boat dock near the house where he had tipped the can. He anxiously devoured the steak and took a nap under the dock.

Upon waking up he noticed that his friends Stevie, Crew, Ajay were also asleep and there were more scraps of the steak all around. He kind of woke up in a daze and his eyes were extremely red. It looked weird with the black under his glazy red eyes. As the others woke they had red eyes too. They quickly devoured the rest of the scraps of steak.

It was now about 3AM and the group started off on their next food run. However, they all did not feel well, they were confused and kept bumping into things but continued on. Their vision was blurred and they ended up near the edge of the river. There was an uneasy feeling around the entire group. In the distance they saw a shadow and uncharacteristically slowly approached the figure which was a fisherman getting his gear ready for an early morning fishing trip.

All of a sudden Joshie rushed the fisherman and the rest of the pack followed. They attacked the poor man until he laid lifeless on the deck of his boat. They then devoured his body until there was nothing but bones left. What had happened?? They were no longer afraid of the humans. They went on without their usual sleep and attacked 4 more humans during the course of the day. They were in a hypnotic state and could not get enough human meat. They had become a pack of Raccoon Zombies wandering through the town looking for their next victims.

The word spread and the people near town were now arming themselves against the Raccoons, they were shooting guns at them but it did not work, it was as if they developed super human powers from eating the flesh of the humans. They rummaged the town eating and killing everything in sight and the seemed to be no end to this total destruction.

On the second night after turning into Zombies they found a boat and hotwired the ignition. The Raccoons had decided to go on a joyride. They took the boat up and down the river hitting boat ramps made for the water skiing show and flying the boat through the air. Now they were just getting daring as they found skis in the back of the boat. They decided to each take turns and were now waterskiing through the river at out of control speeds. Ajay took a ramp and did a triple summersault while in the air. He hit the dock hard head first and was now lifeless. The others did not care and it was now Crews’ turn. Joshie was driving the boat and decided to do 360’s while Crew was on the skis… the ski rope got tied up in Crews neck and he was strangled. Joshie thought who cares and was now even more out of control. Yes… More food for me, I do not have to share eating the humans any more were the thoughts racing through his head. Stevie realized that Joshie was out of control and found a golf club in the back of the boat. He attacked Joshie with it while the boat was running out of control at over 120 miles per hour. In the midst of the fight the boat rammed into the deck and erupted into a huge ball of flame.

Both of the remaining Raccoons crawled out of the boat and were dazed again. The red was out of their eyes and they were not sure of what had happened. Neither one said anything to the other as they scampered through the woods for days and nights. They finally settled and found a golf course far away from the town they were in to hide in. They were last seen chasing balls through the woods.

Growing up Polish

2009-04-26T20:51:00.003-04:00

What a revelation, to be 8 or 10 years old and figure out that you have been the brunt of the jokes about everything that anyone stupid would do. It’s absolutely devastating to learn it is going to take you and 4 friends to change a light bulb when you get old enough to do it! Then you find out that some of the kid’s are public’s and don’t’ have to go to Catholic Schools and wear the stupid little uniforms. No I did not have to wear the skirt since I am a guy but we had to wear shirts and ties and be perfect little gentlemen or else the big bad Nun would kick your butt or hit your hand with the ruler or paddle your ass with a ping pong paddle. Not that anything like that happened to me but I heard about it!

OK so let’s get to the point. Polish families back when I was growing up were normally huge. This is why I cannot really figure how many cousins I have. Ok my dad came from a family of 13. (Bakers Dozen, go figure my grandpa was a baker) My mom came from a family of seven. Now they all had kids and now their kids have had kids and even some of the kids’ kids have had kids. I was not joking in a previous article when I said it could be 500 or so. That is not counting my grandfathers and grandmothers brothers and sisters who had kids and etc… I would probably not recognizer 90% of my cousins if I just saw them on the street.

Most Polish people were devote Catholics which is why we all went to the Catholic Schools and had to wear the funky uniforms. That is also the reason for the huge families, since devote Catholics follow the strict Catholic orders they did not use birth control, but loved to screw. So therefore they just like popped out a kid every year right after the wife was done giving birth to the previous one. This went on and on every year for what seems like forever until they just could not have any anymore.

With so many kids around there were bound to the Weddings, yes the Polish Wedding just one of the many reasons we have thought up of to get drunk. Polish people get drunk whenever we have an occasion to, weddings, funerals, birthday parties, graduation parties. We probably went to some kind of party every week. However, the best ere the Weddings, a good Polish Wedding could last for days. It would start the Friday of the Wedding and go until sometime on Sunday or whenever all the booze ran out. As a kid you would have to watch out for the older Aunts at the Weddings because since there was a band, there were Polka’s. Yes, they would grab you right out of your seat, and say let’s Polka. All of all sudden you are on the dance floor listening and dancing to crap like “She’s’ to fat for me Polka” or” Beer barrel Polka” or the “I’m gonna puke on the floor soon Polka” Well anyway these old Aunts would pretty much just drag you around the dance floor and make sure you learned how to Polka because every good little Polish boy needs to learn how to Polka so he can dance with his Polish Wife at their Polish wedding which would also last for days. So we would go to Wedding and Polka and drink. Back then, it was no issue drinking a beer or something at a young age, you would just go the bar and order for the table and get yourself one too.. Hell, we were Polish and that’s what we did, we drank. Of course it was always in moderation (yeah right).

I could never figure it out, but we always had a party after a funeral, everyone would be somber during church and then we would go to a banquet hall and eat and drink in memory of the deceased. There would always be a toast. But then we would go back to our business of eating and drinking in memory of our lost loved one. I guess maybe since so much time was spent doing that during one’s life that it is the best way to talk about the memories. Well enough of the somberness.

There was always food everywhere, we knew how to eat and did the sausages, and pierogi and sauerkraut and soups and beef and this and that and this and that. Always a celebration. It was so loud at most of the parties on purpose because all the food was so gassy it made you fart. But no one heard the farts because there was so much noise and no one complained about the smell because they were farting too. So we danced and ate and drank and farted all the way through growing up.

Yes. There are a thousand stories I can tell and go on and on about being and growing up Polish. But I’ll wait for another time as the light bulb just went out in my computer room and I have to call the guys so they can turn the ladder.

Irritating Stuff

2009-04-19T18:28:00.003-04:00

One of my 500 or so cousins was talking the other day about some lady in her office with high heels on that made load noises whenever she walked around. Was she doing it on purpose? Did she know she was making that noise? Well yes of course she did, people are most often irritating on purpose because they either want to get attention or want to piss you off. Then again, there are those who have no clue they are being irritating because they are just too dumb or self involved to realize that what they are doing effects other people.

I don’t know about you but there is a myriad of stiff that irritates me (and I am not talking about being irritated where you are scratching where people don’t want to see you scratching) It would take forever to go through the entire list of stuff that irritates me and pisses me off about others behavior so I will just go with a couple here. Do you remember the sound of fingernails scratching the blackboard in school or the sound of metal scraping the concrete. Those were irritating sound but not necessarily irritating habits. Gum popping irritates the hell out of me. Just like I would like to have told my cousin to shove the high heels up that lady’s butt, I would like to take the gum from gum poppers and put it in the hair. Yeah now that would be irritating for them to get that gum out of their hair. Call me vindictive but I say and eye for an eye or a tooth for a tooth a heel in the butt and gum in the hair. Now not to get into a battle, my wife occasional forgets this bothers me and pops her gum. I will not put the gum in her hair because she would then kick my ass and I don’t want that to happen.

I think one of the most irritating things that can happen are interruptions when you are doing something no matter what it is that you are doing. You totally lose your concentration and often times your complete train of thought when this happens. Of course many people have said I never have ever had a complete thought in my head and that is so true because people won’t leave me alone and then I forget what my thought was when they ask me what I was doing or thinking about. DUUHHH.

Yes it makes anyone look like a complete dumbass. My answer to this is to turn it completely around on the person who interrupted you to make them look like a dumbass and feel embarrassed. So, the next time you are interrupted by some stupid ass fool who has no regard for the genius of thought that you are currently working on you have to get them back. Now that will all depend upon the situation you are in.
Let’s do a scenario here. Ok you are the boss and are working on a project in your office. Someone comes to the door and interrupts you. Look at them and say, hang on one second I was just working on this memo about your insubordination and I want to complete it before we talk. Ok now, what was that you wanted you stupid ignorant SOB.

Another irritating thing is people who do not let you get a word in edgewise and talk over you even though you started before them. I think you should start talking about the affair you are having with his wife or her husband or whatever to try and catch them off guard. I don’t know, again I am just babbling out loud here. Oh no!! Here is another one. People who babble about nothing and actually don’t know anything or anything about the topic that they are talking about. That is when I just make shit up about their topic and pretend I am an expert just to shut them dumb asses up. Yes I know all about thermo nuclear physical therapy methods and their use in correcting lower back spasms. It is because the thermometer reaches a certain temperature when heated up in the nuclear elements used in the backspectangular that we treat the lower back with. Yeah… see what they say about that one.

Some stuff irritating to one is not irritating to others. So I say let’s all just irritate the hell out of each other as we do everyday anyway, but just don’t put up with that crap. Come up with a way to get back at that irritating person. Remember were Mad as Hell and were not going to take it anymore!!!!
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Interpreting Teenagers - The Masters of Deception

2009-03-01T17:20:00.002-05:00

You know, as adults we run into all types of situations everyday in a variety of circumstances. There is stuff going on at work, at home, on the golf course or wherever you spend a lot of your time. Every situation of job has its’ own terminologies that we have to understand. Like if you are a computer person, you and your coworkers talk in computer geekish terms like megabytes, gigabytes, RAM, this computer bytes, bite my byte and you know where you can RAM that hard drive.

So that’s one situation. Now let’s talk about how to understand teenagers. Yes, they have their own language they talk with their friends which I will not even begin to try and decipher because those terms change on a day to day basis. You know when I was growing up we used terms like cool, neat, you asshole, dickhead. When you liked someone, you were dating or going steady. In those times girls dated boys and boys dated girls. We tried to have one on one dates most of the time and an occasional double date was OK. Now it is different, they hang out in groups and have date nights although they just hang out in groups, watch movies and you never know who is with who because it switches from day to day. Oh the Drama, the gossip, the heartbreak, it’s all still there but just in a different format. I just can’t keep up with the things they say and do when it comes to their friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, etc. so I just go into the other room and drink a full glass of vodka while my wife tries to interpret things and explain stuff to me later.

However, there are some things about teenagers and the things they say and do that I can understand and that is in their communication regarding things around the home. It has taken many years of training to understand, but in the long run I think I got it. ( NOT) Never assume you have it when it comes to these almost adult beings who again I remind you are here to cause us all anguish and anxiety until they leave for college and sometimes even while in school and afterward.

Here are several examples of things they will say and what they really mean.

Dad: Can you bring these clean clothes up to your room. - Teenager: Sure in a few minutes. (It will not get done for a couple more days and more conversations about bringing it upstairs until you finally threaten them with their lives)

Mom: Did you clean your room – Teenager: Yes (Everything is hidden under the bed or in closets, the dirty clothes are mixed with the clean ones that did not go in the drawers and everything will eventually have to be rewashed.)

Mom: Bring down your dirty clothes – Teenager: Sure in a few minutes (They will only bring them down right before it is time to go to bed, they will only bring down 1 pair of pants and 1 shirt and will inform you that this is what they want to wear to school tomorrow)

Before I go into a couple more examples please note that they will use the same answer for different questions. These most common answers are (1) yes and (2) in a few minutes.

Mom: Don’t eat that now, we are having dinner in 1 hour and then you won’t finish dinner. Teenager: But I’m hungry now and I promise I’ll still eat dinner. ( No I won’t really finish dinner but I need to feed the beast now)

Dad: Be home by 9:00 PM Teenager: OK ( I will call at 8:45 and say we are watching a movie and get to stay out until 10:00 or 11:00)

Dad: Did you finish all your homework. Teenager: Yes (Except the ones I did not want to try to do because it is cutting into my Xbox time)

Mom: When are you going to study for your test? Teenager: We reviewed it all in class. (I’m too smart to need to study I know this crap)

The list can go on and on, but you get my drift here. They say one thing but really mean another. They are in training to be the future politicians of the world. I mean, come on double talk has been around forever and that will never change. So it is best to try and understand things from the perspective that whatever is said is not really what is said but to figure out what it all means in a realistic sense.

As I sit here in front of the computer typing away, my mind wanders to the things I have said in the past but meant other things myself. I promise to keep this clean but you can use your imagination as you think of ones on your own. My old classic favorites “One more for the road” or “This is my final final”. Yes two ways of saying the exact same thing which really means “this is in no way my last drink but I’ll pretend it is.” You see as we get older we are more experienced than the teenagers as we have been doing it for so long that we have now come up with multiple ways to say the same thing which means something totally opposite of what we have said.

Our teenagers may think they are the masters of deception, but they don’t realize we have been there, done that and can do it better than them with our eyes closed. Oh yes and I promise I will come straight home after golfing with my buddies next week.(of course after that 2 hour 19th hole)

Football Withdrawal

2009-02-15T23:25:00.002-05:00

OK now, it’s Sunday afternoon and it’s the middle of February. The Super Bowl is over and it is officially football withdrawal time. You know what I mean. It was bad enough that Saturday football was no longer on because college football ended after the barrage of 5000 meaningless bowl games during the month of December. Not to say this was unwanted because in the mind of a true football fan you can never have enough games on at one time and meaningless games still have some good plays.

What is one to do? Let’s ponder the possibilities. First let’s talk about the stay at home watchers. If you were smart enough you could have DVR’d all the games of your favorite teams and then randomly play them back Sunday by Sunday. Yep, get your case of beer on ice in your cooler right next to you, your snacks, wings, and chili and watch the games all over. It is meaningless but it is still a way to get drunk by yourself on a Sunday afternoon. Who knows you may have been drunk enough initially that you could not remember the game so then it would be all new to you anyway. If you do remember some of the bad plays, you can get geared up for it knowing you are going to say why in the hell did he do that or think of some other expletive to say that you originally did not say. Who cares because no one is listening to you anyway as you slur your expletives on the way to passing out and dreaming of next years season. Now, take it a step further, you could have DVR’d some games that you did not watch because you were watching another game or something like that, then although you most likely know the outcome the game is all new to you and you can cheer on the plays that your friends told you about that you missed the first time.

But we all know Football is a social event, so what about those that went out somewhere to watch games in a crowd. You walk into what was a busy bar 3 weeks ago and it is desolate. No one is there but you and a few other diehard football junkies who are also going through withdrawal. You stare at the basketball game or golf or gymnastics or ice skating that is now on television. You order a beer just to have something to cry in because football is not on anymore. The television just doesn’t look the same, there are no people crushing each other into the ground in mindless hostility.

Then you think, Ice Hockey now that is some violence. The only problem with that is the puck is moving too fast on the screen for you to see or comprehend after drinking six beers. It is all a blur as the bodies’ crash into each other at 100 miles an hour. It just is not the same as eight 300 pound linemen lumbering and crushing into each other with the sounds of the helmets and grunting coming from the field. Oh no, where is my football. What to do???

What about NASCAR, yep there is nothing better to do in my mind than to watch a bunch of millionaire rednecks drive around in circles until something happens and they crash into each other. The spectators are rough and noisy, they like to throw chicken wings down from the nosebleed seats into the rest of the people. Maybe some breast flashing on the infield will help alleviate the withdrawal symptoms of no football. Well that would help but you have to be there and unfortunately they will not show bare breasts on TV, too bad. But being rednecks most of them are probably fat women with droopy ones anyway and I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t do anything for me.

Then there is always basketball and golf, but there is not enough violence there to feed the phantom beast that is a football fan. What to do, what to do?

My suggestion is to just drink enough beer that you have forgotten there in no real football for another 6 months or so until training camp starts or you can always watch Arena Indoor Football, whenever that comes on later this spring. Yeah right, watching Arena Football is like kissing you cousin. Yes, it is football, but it just doesn’t fell right, that is unless you live in West Virginia.

Shit Happens

2009-02-07T22:51:00.003-05:00

I was thinking about what to write on this week and said shit I can’t think of anything. Then the revelation came why not write about shit. Yes Shit Happens.

What is shit? I’m not talking about the excretions that we make every day while sitting down on the throne reading a newspaper, magazine or whatever after just eating and drinking a huge cup of coffee. Although that may be where or how the term originated because you are just going about your business and get that feeling and all of a sudden it happens, that feeling inside or the cramps that says you better get to that throne right away. Ahhh, and then the relief. I can go graphically into this but will not to spare those that don’t like reading or hearing about shit. But then again after thinking about this maybe it is all part of how the expression originated. Often accompanied by a good shit are the sounds of gaseous matter relieving your body otherwise known as farts. Yes farts and shit are the basis of many jokes. Who cannot laugh at the scene in “Blazing Saddles around the camp fire? Yes, that is in my opinion the classic fart scene ever captured on the Silver Screen.

For some reason not known to me the expression “Shit Happens” is used to describe something that happened that there is no other explanation for or one that the person does not want to explain. But it often makes you think whenever it is used as to what really happened to make that person use the expression “Shit Happens” without any further explanation. Since no one likes to talk about shit, when a person uses the phrase “Shit Happens” it immediately stops the conversation about the topic being discussed without any further questions. But I want to go further I want to know what kind of shit happened. Was it a constipated shit, a regular shit or a diarrhea shit that happened? In other words was the occurrence or issue we were talking about to ignore the use of the term a small incident, a large incidence or one that was just completely out of control. Also in this analogy I want to know if there was a lot of arguing in the incidence so in shitty terms I want to know if there were a lot of farts involved to or is it just shit that happened.

You know if you think about it there is a whole bunch of shit going on around us every day. It is in everyone’s lives in one way or another. I bet on average we put up with more shit everyday then we actually produce in the pure physical manner. Or then again you may be one of the people that cause the shit to happen. You could be the instigator; yes you actually could be that triple heat burrito or the MSG in Chinese food that gets the gasses going to make shit happen. The other scenario is you could be the one stirring the shit to make the shit happen. You know getting someone to do something that they normally would not do, but when they do it is one of those things describes as you know “ it Happen” which really meant. “Shit happens. Yeah you stirred the shit to make it happen. Or it could be like the scene it Forest Gump which went like this.

Bumper Sticker Guy: [running after Forrest] Hey man! Hey listen, I was wondering if you might help me. 'Cause I'm in the bumper sticker business and I've been trying to think of a good slogan, and since you've been such a big inspiration to the people around here I thought you might be able to help me jump into - WOAH! Man, you just ran through a big pile of dog shit!

Forrest Gump: It happens.

Bumper Sticker guy: What, shit?

Forrest Gump: Sometimes

See shit happens everywhere even in movies. What is it that makes us use this expression other than the fact that it really does sound cool? You can make up almost any kind of story and stick it in the somewhere kind of like this.

You know I was going down to the store and then you know some guys kind of came by and asked if they could use my gin and the next thing you knew, he was dead. Yeah man “Shit Happens”

What a great excuse. Hey why did you take a baseball bat and bash in my window. Wow it was a mistake ya know, I guess “Shit Happens.”

It is one of those universal sayings kinda like f--- you but without the vulgarness of the f word.

Right now your probably saying to yourself why in the hell did Eddy P decide to write about this and why in the hell am I reading this?

Guess what?? SHIT HAPPENS

Fonzies Ponzi

2009-01-25T18:52:00.006-05:00

Over the past month we have been infiltrated by stories about the Ponzi scheme which was the brainchild of Bernie Madoff and how he admittedly has scammed people out of a total of $50 Billion dollars. Recent reports say the number may be more like $17 Billion. I personally do not think we will really ever be sure how much money was scammed. Anyway not being real up on this kind of stuff I did not know what this was all about at first. If you know me, sometimes I can be hard of hearing, so at first I thought people were talking about a “Fonzie” scheme and it involved Greg Maddox who was a pitcher for the Atlanta Braves.

So when the suggestion came to write about Maddox ( Oopps Madoff) my twisted little mind started to think of how “Fonzie” would put together a scheme like this with the help of all the rest of his “Happy Days” co-conspirators. If you think about it, the past 30 years or so have been very “Happy Days” for Madoff, which incidentally is about the period of time that Happy Days has been off the air. Think about it over all these years, he was probably just singing his way to the bank.

So what about this “Fonzi” Scheme, do you really think he would have the brains to pull it off or was he just the front man. I personally think it was all Opies’ idea. Ooops I meant Richie Cunnigham . Richie was kind of the ring leader coming up with ideas and his henchmen Ralph Malph and Potsie would kind of just screw things up for him. Potsie is where I got confused, think of it , if Arthur Fonzarelli had been Arther Ponzarelli, then it really could be a Ponzie Scheme. Mr.C was the mouth of the organization because he could sell anything and who would not trust a short little pudgy guy. (And I am not talking about myself here)

They now say that they are finding smaller Ponzie schemes that have been going on around the country. There is one that is much smaller in Boca Raton, Florida in which they say the guy scammed $50,000,000 but now cannot be found. In our Happy Days model this would be called a Chachi Scheme because Chachi was supposed to be a smaller version of Fonzie and the actor that played him, Scott Baio is also nowhere to be found.

The signature calling of Fonzi was the thumbs up signal while he was saying “Aaayyy” , I think Mr. Madoff will be getting more than a thumb up somewhere in prison and his signature calling will be something like. “ Heeeyyy”

Well, in closing and all along with our theme, here is a new song for him to sing on the way to Jail.

PONZI SCHEMES ( To the tune of the opening theme of “Happy Days”)

In case you do not remember the tune,click the link below for the Happy Days Theme Song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6dOJhfrklg

Took Kings’ Money, Ponzi Scheme.

Bacons’ also, Ponzi Scheme.

Speilburg Charities, Ponzi Scheme.

Oh my gosh, what a take

Ripping off all my friends

Those days were all,

Ponzi Schemes (Those Ponzi Schemes)

These days are now,

Fucked up for me. (oh baby)

Goodbye penthouse, hello cell.

There gonna get me, cuz I screwed you.

Felt so right, but it was wrong.

That’s why I wrote this fricking song

(Musical interlude)

Took Kings’ Money, Ponzi Scheme.

Bacons’ also, Ponzi Scheme.

Speilburg Charities, Ponzi Scheme.

Oh my gosh, what a take

Ripping off all my friends

These days are now,

Fucked up for me (No Happy Days)

I’ll no longer be, Happy and Free

These prison days are all for me

These prison days are all for me, Ponzi Schemes

Late Night Phone Calls

2009-01-18T18:06:00.002-05:00

Did you ever have one of those nights where really all you wanted to do was crash early? So, you get yourself relaxed in whatever way you do it. You know drink a couple cocktails, take a long bath, get a good book and get under the covers early. Poof you are asleep by 10:00 PM. You’re in such a deep sleep off in dreamland about something good. Then all of a sudden….. RING>> RING>> RING>>. It’s the frickin telephone. You open up your blurry eyes and try to focus on the clock but really can’t comprehend what time it is. Look like it is somewhere between 12:00 and 3:00 because it is so blurry. Your mind starts racing who would be calling so late, Oh My God is it an emergency? You pick up the phone and answer it in your extremely tired, pissed off, confused mode of speech. And then you hear…. an extremely drunken voice on the other end of the phone wanting to talk.

We have all gotten these phone calls from a variety of different people (at least I have). They come in different categories and I may not even have all of them. Now before I get into this, I need to write a disclaimer that this is not to bust on any of my drunkass friends who have called me late at night as it happens to everyone and this is a test only a test of the emergency broadcast system.

1) The Ex: That’s right it’s the Ex, drunk out of his or her mind. It could be the Ex boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, one night stand, who knows and who cares. They are drunk and are now making 2:00 AM calls to you. Yes the 2AM slurring confession of love “ I mish you sho mush”. Do you really frickin care? Who the the hell is the person to think that you would even want to talk to their sorry drunk ass at 10:00 PM nonetheless at 2:00 AM in the frickin morning. They want you to let them come over or to meet you somewhere. They have no clue that you just got some earlier that evening from the new person in your life, because to them there could never be a new person. Yes, the alcohol has talked the courage into them to make a complete and total ass of themselves. So after you hang up on the stupid idiot, you go back to bed and dream about getting some again from the person you got some from earlier that night and never think about the drunkass that was on the phone again until the next time the SOB calls.

2) The friends out partying: It’s late and they have all been out since 9PM drinking up a storm. All you here is loud music in the background and they want you to come out because there are a bunch of hot guys or girls wherever they are and think you need to get out more. “Cmon jon’t be a whimp”,” Itsh shearly shtill “. Yep they have lost all sense of reality and think you should be out with them. It just isn’t the same without you they say in their drunken stupor. You kindly tell then to frick off and that you’re tired, they should grow the frick up and understand that normal humans do not party all the time anymore. You then them to fill you in on all the fun tomorrow. You hang up knowing they will be hung over as hell in the morning and you won’t. it’s too bad you don’t have a huge bet against them in a golf match the following morning.

3) The long lost friend: You pick up the phone and you hear, “Hey, Gesh who?” “Whatsha doin lately?” Your friend(s) that you may not have seen or heard from in years have been out drinking and somehow your name has been brought up in conversation. They after they get home or sometimes while they are still out now in the days of cellphones, they decide to call and see how you are doing. You really want to talk but what you really want to do is go through the phone and choke some sense into them that you just don’t call that late, yet you really would like to talk with them but not now. You talk for a few minutes and tell them you’ll call them tomorrow to catch up. So you hang up after listening to them blab and blab for a few minutes. Right after you hang up you realize you do not have their phone number. Oh Well, that’s OK they’ll call next time their drinking and you can get the number then.

4) Lonely Drunk Friends: They are alone after coming home or maybe have been drinking at home all night alone. Their minds have been wandering all over the place and they have completely lost track of any sense of time as they stumble around the house. Their only means of survival is to pick up the phone to call you. They think they are making perfect sense but you cannot understand a single fricking word they are saying. It’s so bad that I can’t even begin to write how the slurring goes when you get one of these calls. You try not to be too pissed at them but hang up as soon as you can get them to stop trying to talk. You hang up and they call you again five minutes later because they have forgotten that they called you already. Sad but true. So you finally turn off your ringer so you can get some sleep. If you want to be an asshole, set your alarm for 6AM and call them up cuz you know they will be feeling like shit that early after passing out into oblivion about 3:00 AM after they realized you were not going to answer anymore.

Yes, we have all received these kind of calls and probably have made some of them too. I know I have never been drunk enough in my life to make any of these types of phone calls. ( LOL). It makes you want to get rid of your home phone and just use your cell because you can turn off a cell but can only just turn off your ringer at home. But who the hell can remember to do that every night. The only solution is to get as drunk as your friends every night so that when one of them calls you can all understand each other because drunken gibberish is best under stood by someone else that is drunk and also talking drunken gibberish.

OK She ya Necst Tyme!!!

Abductions from Outer Space – Raising a Teenager

2009-01-10T13:33:00.000-05:00

It was recently brought to my attention that the abductions from outer space have begun on some of my friends’ children. You know what I mean; they sweep down in their spaceships from the Planet “Stupidia Ignoramus “and abduct our teenage children. It’s not that the children become missing but that they replace them with exact” look a likes”. The only problem is the” look alike” has had everything we taught them sucked out of their brains. All the common sense you thought you taught them is now completely gone.

This typically happens to children between the ages of 13 to 16, but they do not come back sometimes until they reach 18 or so. You can not notice the fact that they are missing immediately as it takes a while for you to realize that this is not your child anymore. Yes, it begins somewhat innocently with the occasional mouth off which you typically would beat the crap out of them for or put them on restrictions, but over time these alien children become immune to these punishments and just don’t care. Then it all begins to snowball, they don’t listen any more, they don’t clean rooms, they mouth off and disrespect any authority figure. Yes, this is just the easy stuff.

As time goes on it just gets worse, these alien kids are now growing into large monster beings and they begin to steal your cars for joy riding, run away from home, skip school and tons of other disturbing behavior As a parent you start to think is this really the child I raised, the answer is NO. This is an alien “Stupidian Ignoramus “who has been sent here to test your resiliency against any type of situation. It is a test by the aliens to see exactly how much bullshit an adult human being can stand before one completely frickin snaps or go into a nervous breakdown because of the “Ignoramus”. This is all a preemptive move as they prepare to attack and rule the earth.

You may wonder how they communicate with the alien child as to what moves to make to drive you crazy. This is done in a variety of methods. The easiest method is through the other “Ignoramus” children here on earth often referred to as their “friends”. These friends pass on the communications they have previously had and put ideas in these “our” aliens’ heads as to how to screw with our heads. They often communicate back to “Stupidia Ignoramus “via their computers and video games. Why do you think they whine so much when their headpiece to XBOX breaks, that is because they are then out of communication with the home planet. They will often shut their doors while this communication is in place and mask their talking by the music coming from “Rock Band”. The last form of communication is with text messaging, normal humans cannot move their fingers as fast as these alien kids on those tiny little keyboards.

In addition to the behavior problems, the “Stupidian Ignoramuses” beings eat you out of house and home, they bring over the other alien beings that have now grown to be over 6 feet tall and eat everything you may have around. Even though you have plenty of food they constantly complain about the fact that there is nothing to eat. These alien friends are often disguised as teammates on your childs’ football team, basketball team or for that manner any sport or activity group. This is an attempt to hit at part of our dwindling finances by making us spend more money on food. Then once you have plenty of food in the house they eat it all in one day with their alien friends and start the complaining all over again. They constantly ask for money to do this or to do that and typically do not want to get a job to help pay for anything but think it is a given right to their existence. Another way they hit our finances is for all the medications “Prozac” we have to buy for ourselves to cope with them.

As you are just about at your wits end after many years of this emotional merry go round ,financial distress and sleepless nights, all of sudden the behavior stops, they start acting responsibly, get jobs, pay for their food, drive their own cars, go to college and become adult like people. This is when you can tell that the aliens have returned your child now to you and are ready to abduct a whole new group of children. Congratulation, you have just raised a teenager and you now have a young adult!!!

The Day After Christmas

2008-12-27T14:26:00.002-05:00

Twas the day after Christmas, and the roads were all crowded
With people returning, all the stuff that’s not wanted
They go to the malls, and stand in long lines.
Just so the kids will stop with their whines.

Yes, one of the 2 most crowded driving days around any shopping center of the year. The other one being the day after Thanksgiving. Why are both of these busy shopping days the day after a Holiday in which you stuff yourself with food? Is it because people want to go to the malls to shed off some of the poundage they gained on the day before? Oh my gosh, I’m too fat from all that good food, I think I’ll go to the mall and walk around in a store full of crowded people and shed some of this weight. I could get a nap standing in line. Maybe it is that no one is creative enough anymore to do anything but shop on a day when they could do anything else that they wanted. I never have been and never will be out shopping on either one of those days, although I do confess to typically shopping on Christmas Eve. Leave that stuff for the masochists that want to save that extra 20%. Hey, I am all for saving money especially in these days and times, but what is the value of one’s time when you think of all the BS you have to put up with to shop on one of these days.

They go to the malls the day after Thanksgiving to get that special gift.. You know the one the kids have been begging for during the past 3 months. Oh, please mom, make sure Santa gets that for me for Christmas. So they stand in lines at 3:00 in the frickin morning to get that early early bird special or make sure they get that special gift before the store runs out of the one they are offering at special prices. My fat ass is sleeping in on those days because I had good food and a couple adult beverages the night before. The only thing I am waking up for is if I have a tee time or to watch the football games and drink another couple adult beverages. OK sorry for the digression, now we jump forward 4 to 6 weeks depending on how much time there is on that year between Thanksgiving and Christmas. That is another thing I just do understand. Call me stupid but why is there such a big difference between some years and Thanksgiving and Christmas. Why does Thanksgiving change for year to year? If Christmas is always the 25th of December why isn’t it so for Thanksgiving? This year it seemed as if Thanksgiving was just over and Christmas is here. There wasn’t even time for the geese to get fat again in the time between the Holidays. You remember the saying” Christmas is coming the geese are getting fat”

So Santa slipped his fat ass down the chimney last night and it is now Christmas Day opening all the presents and everything starts to happen. One whines why they did not get the Uncle Doodles scratch pad and another one says this is not the right thingamajig because it is blue and not purple. Your sister in law buys you the ugliest sweater in the world that you would not even want to put her through the misery of wearing….. So, we resolve themselves (again not me cuz I am sleeping or golfing) to go to the mall and buy some extra stuff on sale or return and exchange the gifts. What difference does a day make if I do it today or tomorrow or next week.. OH NO.. It may be gone by then. Too bad, then get something else.

It always also makes me wonder why we do not just wait until a week after Christmas to give everyone Christmas presents since you can buy them cheaper than any time in the year. Yes you may not get the exact thing you want but you would definitely save money. Maybe it would be best to change to an Eastern Rights Church which celebrates Christmas on January 6th. But then again even most of them exchange gifts on Dec 25th as opposed to waiting for their religions official Christmas. Yet, no matter what we have to conform to do what everyone else does whenever everyone else does it. Why not take that chance and be different, celebrate Holidays much later than you are supposed to. This way you could really celebrate Christmas in July.

Why can stores afford to practically give their crap away with only one day making a difference? Does this tell you the mark up they have on their stuff to begin with is huge or are they actually selling at a loss. I doubt they are selling at a loss just to get rid of stuff, not yet at least.

So as you remember the traffic and the drive you took to save money and exchange gifts, just remember one think, Christmas is only 363 days away. Happy New Year!!!

Frickin Idiots

2008-12-21T18:39:00.002-05:00

Have you ever laid awake at night just so pissed off at the world and think to yourself what a frickin idiot a certain person is? It does not have to be someone you know by name or even someone who you know exactly who it is. It could have been a total stranger and in many instances, that is the case. Why are there just so many stupid ass people in the world? The ones that just do stupid things and also the ones that when you ask them a question all they do is look at you with that blank stare. You know, that stare that say the lights are on but no one is home.

I get so pissed at people and situations all the time because they are just so stupid. Like the clerk at the store that still screws up how much change to give you even though the cash register tells them the exact amount, they do not know how to frickin count out the change. How about the guy that cuts you off driving at the last minute or runs the red light and almost runs you head on? Lets here it for the person in front of you in the line at the drive thru McDonald’s that takes forever to read the menu, and then tries to order into the speaker that isn’t there because there is a sign that says drive to window to place your order. These are just some examples of the situational stupidity that infests itself in our everyday society.

This type of idiot can also be seen in many other face to face situations. You know who they are when you ask them the question they just give you the stare, sometimes they will repeat your question while they are giving you the stare. All the while they are thinking I really do not know what the frick he is talking about so I will just give him the stare and pretend. How frickin stupid do they think we are that we don’t know that they don’t know Jack, and I’m not talking about the mascot for Jack in the Box restaurants. Although the guy who wears the costume may seem like an idiot but heck, look at the money he is making being an idiot.

While we are talking about idiots who make a lot of money, let’s talk about CEO’s who make millions and millions of dollars running our corporations into near bankruptcy and then having the balls to ask for our government to give them money so they do not have to go bankrupt. Or how about the union boss idiots that let wages get out of control so our companies cannot compete with newer companies here in the US without the unions. Or let’s talk about Governors who want to sell Senate seats. Yes, the list can go on and on and on.

As I think about this there are probably a whole lot of people that think I am an idiot also. I find myself to be extremely adept at doing most things, however when it comes to some of the electronic communication devices I guess my age is getting to me in figuring a lot of that stuff out because I do not have the patience to sit down and work it out since my mind is constantly wandering and wanting to do more productive things than spend hours figuring all that crap out. That is why we pay people to do this stuff like the ones that sell you phones. I had an experience getting a new Blackberry yesterday and the girl at the phone store said she could not download my contacts and was having problems setting up my email. I asked her questions and got the blank stare, so I said screw it just give me the phone and I will figure it out. OK, this is where I become the idiot after dealing with an idiot. I got home and realized that she had not set up my email to sync with my other email accounts. Anyway to make a long story short, after spending several frustrating hours I still do not have a clue how to set this up. Due to this I sent several emails last night to a couple people who know how to do this who must think I am an absolute idiot because my message came about as so frantic. This would have never happened had I not had to deal with an idiot to begin with when I purchased my phone and had someone to explain it to me.

It is my belief that idiots do not want to be alone in this society so they make it so you act like an idiot after dealing with them because they are so frickin stupid it temporarily attacks your brain cells and sends them into a state of shock so you act like an idiot too and lose all self deduction skills. How many times have you displayed irrational behavior after having to deal with an idiot? My favorite is to just flip them off, unfortunately I think they are too frickin dumb to understand what the finger means.

Holiday Parties

2008-12-13T11:48:00.002-05:00

I love this time of year not only for the joy of Christmas but for all the different types of parties that happen during this season. Before Christmas Parties, Christmas Parties, Office Parties, Out of the Office Parties, The party after the office party at the local bar, New Years Eve Parties, New Years Day hangover Parties, New Years Day Football Parties and Parties just to Party.

That’s right I love parties during this time of year because I get to watch people who do not drink much get absolutely blasted and make fools of themselves. Now, I am no angel and I had my share of being the drunk at parties when I was younger, drunker and did not have many responsibilities. But now, I’ll have my couple of tea toddling drinks and just watch the others which provides more humor than hearing about the assholes in Washington trying to bail out the automotive industry.

There are just so many places to go with this topic that I don’t know where to start. So whenever I know I have a lot to write about I normally go to a song. As I sit here thinking, there are a few easy song titles which can relate to Office Christmas Parties, and the thoughts going through our heads after a few drinks. If anyone would want to hear a full verse of any of these songs just email me and I will email you back with my original rendition. Or maybe I could do a K-Tel album of the Best of Office Party Christmas Songs and have some washed up celebrity on a commercial singing the lead ins. Maybe like Danny Bonaduce or Andrew Dice Clay. $1.99 each + free bonus if you order NOW.

1) “I saw your wife screwing Santa Claus”. (To the tune of “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus”)

2) “Chase the Whores ”. ( To the tune of “Deck the Halls”)

3) “We wish we will get Laid Tonight”. ( To the tune of “We wish you a Merry Christmas”)

4) “I’m Wonderin how she Looks Naked”. ( To the tune of “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas”)

5) “I’ve got Blue Balls “( To the tune of “Jingle Bells”)

OK, sorry for the diversion but I just had to go there. Think about the office parties you went to when you were single; yes the only reason we were there was to get as drunk as possible and try to get laid. The sad thing is that most of the older married men there were also trying to do the same thing. There is nothing funnier than watching a bunch of middle aged white men with no rhythm trying to dance with 20 years olds and stumbling over their feet. Quite a few sprained ankles and broken egos at some parties I had been to. The sad thing is that the young hotties would navigate to these guys because they made the money and we were all young just starting out. So by the time they finally had time for us they were already drunk and the task at hand was a lot easier than having to go through all the initial bullshit. A lot of the parties were at hotels so we wouldn’t have to drive home, it was even more of a laugh to see how hung over people looked the morning after.

There are various stereotypes that get played out at any Holiday Party.

1) "Slurry Talkies"; there always is at least one person who will just talk and talk to anybody about anything and they do not make sense at all. They are typically slurring so bad you can’t understand them anyway and you are afraid they are going to fall over on you because they can barely stand.

2) “Huggies”; this is what I refer to as someone who all of a sudden gets affectionate and wants to hug people all the time. Depending on the situation this could be good or bad. Use your imagination here.

3) “Meanies”; these are the people who want to start arguments either with their spouse, girlfriend or just about anyone else. Normally the ones who ass you have to kick to escort out of the party

4) Food Mongers; they will stay at the food buffet all night just shoveling it in, you can’t even talk to them because they always have something in their mouth and combined with the alcohol you do not want to get a shower of food and beer while talking with them.

5) Finally I will end this with the Bubbas, yes they are the one that will drink and drink until they puke all over the place. I have written a song below. “ Bubba the Drunkass Redneck”. Of course it is a Christmas Song to the tune of Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer.

Hope you enjoy and Merry Christmas.

You’ve got Harley and Billy and Dale and Daryl
Carson and Jethro and Bobby and Chandler
But do you recall
The most famous redneck of all

Bubba the Drunkass Redneck
Just had to have another drink
He wanted to do some shooters
And puked up in the kitchen sink

All of the other Rednecks
Picked him off the kitchen floor
They wanted to kick his drunk ass
Right out of the frickin door.

Instead he puked up on the rug,
Stumbling to the the door
Bubba with his beer in hand
Couldn’t even frickin stand

That’s when he left the party,
And we shouted out with glee
Bubba the Drunk Ass Redneck,
Glad he didn’t puke on me.

I wish you a Merry Re-Gift

2008-12-06T23:31:00.002-05:00

Since I have never ever re-gifted anything in my life, I was doing a search for it on Google and found the script from the Jan.19, 1995 episode of Seinfield called “The Label Maker”. According to all my research this was the origination of the popular use of the term re-gifting. In case you may not remember, this is the episode in which Jerry receives a label maker from their dentist friend as a thanks for Super Bowl Tickets, only to find out that Elaine initially gave the Label maker to the Dentist for doing some free dental work.

Reading this episode made me realize just how well written this show was in terms of pure comic genius. It starts on a topic, introduces variables and manages to tie in the main topic several times. Just as an FYI the link to this script is http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/TheLabelMaker.html

Ok enough of the Seinfiedisms and back to the main topic. If you search the Internet on the topic you will find the same old rules about re-gifting over and over and over again, but just to make the point I will repeat them here also adding a couple of my own before I get into my take on re-gifting.

1) Do not give the re-gift to someone who knows the person that originally gave you the gift. This is the point of the Seinfield episode
2) Take any old markings off of the gift
3) If you know when you get something that you are eventually going to re-gift it, mark on a piece of paper who gave it to you initially so you do not give it to them.
4) Make sure the gift is new and not used
5) Make sure that you do not think it was re-gifted to you
6) Don’t be too cheap and at least rewrap the gift to make it seem as new
7) Don’t’ give stuff that is obviously a major target for re-gifting such as candles, soaps, after shave, cologne, pictures, obscure DVD’s or Cd’s, etc, you get the point.
8) Don’t tell the person you are giving the gift to that it is a re-gift.
9) Don’t re-gift something that you think is a re-gift already ( unless you do as stated below )

All right now that we have covered all the basic stuff on re-gifting let me give you my take on it. You are all a bunch of cheap ass bastards that don’t want to spend any money on people but want to give away your own frickin junk. (I am glad I do not fall into that category). Let’s face it; what else do we have to do with that some of that stuff we get. You know the stuff that you repeat when you open the box. Oh!! What a gorgeous scarf!! A Scarf!! (Thinking, you dumb ass what do I need a scarf for when I live in South Carolina and it does not get cold enough to wear one) Oh Thanks so much for “The Scarf”

I really cannot come up with a good rhythm here to write a fluid article on this so here are just a bunch of random thoughts, comments and question revolving around re-gifting.

To gift or to re-gift that is the question
How many germs do you think are on that plastic the fruitcake is wrapped in?
Do not drink the Aqua Velva anymore as they put chemicals in it. Just re-gift that re-gift.
How many years does fruitcake stay fresh?
How long does it take to iron the wrinkles out of once worn ugly necktie?
Do people actually wear tie pins or is that just another perfect re-gift item.
If you receive a gift that you KNOW is a re-gift you should just re gift it back to that person next year to let them know you knew it was a re-gift to begin with.
Remember to wipe down the boxes of stuff you are re-gifting to get rid of all the dust or if you want to be a smart ass write Merry Christmas in the dust.
Has anyone really used soap on a rope or is it just the same one that keeps going around.
Make a joke out of re-gifting with some of your friends and re-gift the same piece of junk item year after year to each other and make sure the person has to display it in a visible place in their house until the next year when they can get rid of it.

So now you know everything there is going on in my brain about re-gifting and here’s hoping you get what you want for Christmas and remember to make sure the labels are still on it.

Tax Free Gun Sale Weekend in SC

2008-11-30T21:06:00.001-05:00

Now, I should probably be the last person in the world to write anything about guns, but my motto is if a reader requests a topic that I will write on it and make it humorous, so here it goes.

In July the SC General assembly voted to have its’ First Annual Second Amendment Sales Tax Holiday, This holiday allowed for tax free sales of firearms on the weekend following Thanksgiving. The results of this Sale were greeted enthusiastically by gun purchasers and sales were heavy this weekend wherever you could buy guns especially pawn shops. I guess if you look at it, why not, most criminals buy their guns on the black market and do not pay taxes anyway, so why not let us have the chance to also not pay taxes to buy guns to protect ourselves against the guys who buy guns without paying taxes to kill us and rob us and all the other crimes that are associated with firearms.

I am not sure what other states besides SC and NC have tax free gun sales at all or even for a weekend, but I do have to remember that I am in South Carolina and things are different here than in the rest of the populated portions the USA. The “war” is still not over yet according to some people you talk to, they still make moonshine in the mountains, a sport started out of moonshine running racers, dentists are not a common doctor that most people see, and last but not least they feel they have to own a gun. Now when you talk to some of the people here (that is if you can understand them to begin with) they will tell you that the reason they need guns is for “huntin”. (no g’s are ever pronounced in SC) I am not exactly sure why killing things is such an important part of life down here, but people take off of work during deer season to get up extremely early in the morning to sit in a frickin tree all day waiting for their chance to shoot some unexpecting Bambi. The really do not want the Bambi’s though they want the Bucks so they can then show off their manhood by mounting the frickin antlers and putting them up on their wall as a trophy. Yep that’s right I am a redneck deer killer. What a great statement and a tradition to be carried on by their grandchildren. I’ll tell you where I would like to put those antlers.

I mentioned a sport starting form moonshining. The official definition of NASCAR is National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing. My own definition of this is North and South Carolina Assholes Racing. Yep the only reason this got its’ start was to run moonshine through the mountains without getting caught. It’s a shame these boys make millions from something that was started by a bunch of rednecks in the mountains. Yee Haaaaaa let’s buy some guns so we can shoot at the guys trying to get our moonshine, but make sure it is on Tax Free Day.
Now back to our main topic I guess this is the SC way to stimulate the economy because they sell so many guns that the tax money saved by not paying the taxes for one day will be so much it will stimulate the economy out of recession. How about a Tax Free Car Day, hey what an idea, stimulate sales for an industry that needs one, and give up the tax money for a weekend so that those buying a car can afford a few extra tanks of gas taking road trips and spending some of that extra money But then again who am I to say what tax money to give away and what the regular guy would really want in terms of a tax savings.

I like to stay away from politics and religion in my weekly comments here, so I will leave the issue of the economy alone and go back to Guns. I think the next tax free should be a fishin stuff (another word with no G in the south) It is the same premise and used for killing things just like the guns. The only difference is that people can’t be shot with fishin stuff but they can with guns.

Ok now, criminals wouldn’t get their guns from regular shops anyway, it is mostly black market. Now what if were to tax the Black Market, we know it’s there and no one gives a damn about it anyway because law enforcement officials continue to let them exist. So I say we hire Mafia type guys who know the Blank Market guys anyway to go in there as if they were collecting a bad debt for a bookie and get the taxes from them. If not, they can break their legs or something like that. If worse comes to worse they could even threaten them with the guns they paid no taxes on during the Second Amendment Tax Free Weekend.

Spam,spam,spam,spam

2008-11-22T17:10:00.002-05:00

The 4 word sequence made infamous by the Monty Python sketch which was a spoof of the product made by Hormel in whichever everybody loves with everything especially at the diner in the spoof where Spam is served in any and every type of possible combination. Believe it or not, it was this song that actually coined the phrase “spam” for junk email. It is just like the people in the song, it pops up all the time and is extremely repetitive and irritating.

I hate Spam, we all hate spam. You know, the stuff that fills your E-mail In Box over and over again with messages that no one apparently really wants or cares about. But think about it, someone actually does buy those pills because he wants that thicker penis to satisfy his woman. Good for you buddy! But mine is fine!! It’s probably the same guy that buys the Viagra specials from Canada, yes we have certified doctors to write your prescription right now. You can use that guaranteed loan to get you 100% debt free to pay for either of these products along with the course as to how to be a multi-millionaire in 5 minutes or less. If that does not work just remember that your are the next of kin to someone you do not know that recently died in some remote part of the world and you have 60 Million coming to you if you send half of it back to someone you do not know.

If you think about it, the world of advertising is nothing but a barrage of spam that infiltrates our life almost constantly. Here is a normal condensed day which shows all the instances of spam for most people. You wake up in the morning and turn on the television or radio and you immediately get commercials. Are commercials spam? Well it is a message that you necessarily do not want to hear. Think about late night sports programming and late night television, this is where you really get hit with the most spam advertising, junk over and over again and infomercials. Anyway back to the morning when you are in the car listening to sports talk radio as I mentioned, it is over and over the same message. OK you finally get to work and turn on your computer check emails and wow… I let my junk mailbox fill up for one week without dumping it and there were over 500 that went directly into it, this does not count the ones that got through the filter and I just hit delete. It just pisses me off because it takes so much extra time to get to the messages I really want. OK now, you are on your way home from work and listening to sports radio again. You go to the mailbox and get a bunch of junk mail with no relevance, Now you get home finally wanting to relax and it is of your wife(not my wife) constantly telling you to do things over and over and over again.

Spam, spam, spam, spam.

I know that was a low shot and really was not meant to offend anybody, but think about it. If Spam really is about unwanted repetitive messages it is in our lives on a constant basis. Think about how our kids feel when we tell them to clean their rooms over and over again. I guess that is why they wear their IPODS all the time so they do not have to listen to I’m sure what they consider to be Spam from us. Why do they have IPODS in the first place? It is because of the repetitive advertising that made them want them and talk us into getting it for them because we did not want to hear their SPAM anymore about wanting an IPOD. And the list goes on and on and on and on.

Yes, that’s right I could go on about Spam for hours but that would be more spam to you, so I will finally stop this rant to have breakfast. Yep you guessed it Spam and Eggs.

2:00 AM Feeding Frenzies

2008-11-09T19:37:00.002-05:00

The bars are all closed and you could did not go home with that guy or gal you thought you would all night, now it is just you and your friends. (Again) So what are you going to do now, the 4:00 AM bar is too far for you to drive back after drinking some more and you would still be by yourself anyway.

So, what else to do but eat!! Yep, that’s right the Waffle House’s busiest time of the night. After 2:00AM rejected drunks feeding frenzy. They don’t even notice that most of the waitresses there have no teeth, they don’t care, and they just want to soak up that alcohol with grease and slurringly recap the night.

It really doesn’t matter whether it’s Waffle House, Huddle House, House of Pancakes, White Castle, Krystal’s or many others their main focus after 2:00 AM on the weekends is for drunks to come in and try to sober up by drinking coffee and eating whatever greasy substance they can put down their stomachs without throwing up. Not that anyone has ever thrown up in any of those places at that time of night. I normally would at least step outside before I puked on the side of the building. I mean that is the courteous drunk thing to do, at least this way no one has to clean it up or it could be hosed down in the morning.

There was place in Charlotte once upon time called Hugo’s (not sure if it is still open as this was at least 15 yrs ago). They had what I thought were the best greasiest pork chops and eggs in the world. At least that is what I used to slur during many of the conversations I had there. The reason they were what I thought were the best pork chops is that no one knew for sure if they were really pork chops or not, but they did soak up the grease.

It is amazing the types of people you see in these places early in the morning. Of course, there are the ones who have been out drinking, but then again there are those that have been working like strippers, prostitutes, pimps, etc…. What a diverse and eccentric group of people all gathered in one place to end an evening. I also remember one evening when some very attractive women had walked into Hugo’s and I said to my friend. Hey, Chris look at ober dere ad dose women, ya know I’ve shene r neked. Yes, I had recognized them from a club I had been at but that’s not the point. The point is to understand and talk in the language called slurish. Yes, slurish in that language we talk to each other in at 2:00 AM in the morning and we each understand one another, because everyone else is as drunk as you. It doesn’t matter if you are talking to the table next to you or the cashier they all understand the language at 2:00 AM.
I know we can all go on and on with our personal stories on this and the names of different places we each favored during those years of drinking and slurring and puking and sleeping and then doing it again all over the next night.

The only argument you could ever get into at that time of night with your friends is, “Wherewe goanna eat? To me it just didn’t matter, but the ultimate name of one of these places should be “ Drunks R Us”

Think about it for a second, we have a Toy’s r us, Babies R us… why not a Drunks R us. This could be a multifunctional gathering place for those who like to stay out after 2:00 AM. It could have specially equipped rest rooms with drains and hoses so that the puke could easily be washed down at any time in case you do not make it outside. It could also still serve more alcohol up until 4:00 AM for those who have not yet had enough. I would also make it a low so it would be a No Cop Zone, this way they do not try to follow our drunk asses out of the special gathering place reserved for us. Lastly, it would have cots for rent in a separate part of the building so we can sleep it off and then wake up in a place where we can start all over again.

My Country Music Song

2008-11-01T21:40:00.003-04:00

I was reading through the list of the top 20 Country music songs the other day while bored on a flight from Charlotte to Detroit. I never really have taken any type of interest in country music because I normally associate it with drinking, and lost lovers and being down in the dumps by someone’s trailer home after being driven home in their old pick-up. Anyway I read through the list of songs and had a revelation that I could actually write a country music song by inter mixing the titles of the songs into my song.

So anyway I have no clue what I am about to get myself into but here are the songs in the order from the newspaper article along with the artist that performs the song.

1) Just a Dream – Carrie Underwood
2) She Never Cried In Front of Me – Toby Keith
3) Everybody Wants to go to – Kenny Chesnee
4) Love Story- Taylor Swift
5) Let It Go – Tim McGraw
6) Chicken Fried – Zac Brown Band
7) Roll With Me – Montgomery Gentry
8) Already Gone – Sugarland
9) I’ll Walk – Bucky Covington
10) Country Man – Luke Bryan
11) Here – Rascal Flatts
12) Start a Band – Brad Paisler w/ Keith Urban
13) Love Remembers – Craig Morgan
14) All I Ever Wanted – Chuck Wicks
15) In Color – Jamey Johnson
16) Lookin For a Good Time – Lady Antebellum
17) Don’t – Billy Currington
18) Country Boy – Allan Jackson
19) She Wouldn’t be Gone – Blake Shelton
20) Feel That Fire – Dierks Bentley

Ok now there was the list of the 20 songs on the USA Today list for this week and here is my country music song!!!!

I was a lonely “Country Boy” and it was “Just a Dream”
“All I ever wanted” was to “start a band”
My friends all said “Don’t” “Let it Go” but I just couldn’t
“Feel that Fire” anymore , the dream was “Already Gone”, “Already Gone”

I met her one night at the trailer park
“Just lookin for a good time”
She said she wanted to “roll with me”
We went to the back of my single wide
It was the beginning of our “Love Story”

My girl was upset that my dream was gone
But “she never cried in front of me”
We drank whiskey and beer and watched “In Color” TV
And we made love while our “Chicken Fried” on the fire

I was a lonely “Country Boy” and it was “Just a Dream”
“All I ever wanted” was to “start a band”
My friends all said “Don’t” “Let it Go” but I just couldn’t
“Feel that Fire” anymore , the dream was “Already Gone”, “Already Gone”

“I’ll walk” most nights just wondering how my band would sing
The songs I’d write about her now,
cuz if I’d done it before “She wouldn’t be gone”
She’d be right “here” drinking some beer

“Everybody wants to go to” the old place where we could bring
our guitars, some whiskey and women and really just sing
Now that would make me a “Country Man”
and finally I would start my band

OK now, it is not going to be a gold record but it did include all the song titles. Try it yourself if you wish and just post it in my comments sections. I have to admit it was a little harder than I originally thought but I all had to do was put on my mullet wig , grab a Fred Flinstone Jelly Glass and fill it with some Jack and Pepsi, and took a couple sips, chased it with some PBR and....instantaneously I was able to think and write like a redneck which led to the song. YEE HAAA

Plastic Surgery

2008-10-18T15:17:00.003-04:00

Did you ever wonder why they call plastic surgery “plastic” when no plastic is even involved in any of the numerous procedures which fall into this category? There really is a legitimate reason and then there is Ed’s reason. So I guess just to set the record straight, the word "plastic" derives from the Greek "plastikos" meaning to mold or to shape. So to follow logic Plastic Surgeons are molding or shaping body parts which is why it is called Plastic Surgery.

Of course there are real medical reasons for plastic surgery to take care of those people who have been injured, burned, disfigured and many other serious reasons and this article in no way is made to ridicule those types of surgeries.

To me plastic is associated with fake, not real. Kind of like the term he is a plastic person. That means not a real person but a fake plastic person. Follow me now, plastic surgery is not a fake surgery but a real surgery since they use knives and stitches and off the other stuff that if not done right will have you looking like Frankenstein or his bride. But I am of the belief that it is called plastic surgery because of the plastic people it is performed on. These people are fakes and want to keep on perpetuating their fakeness. Fake boobs, fake asses, fake lips and fake pecs the list goes on and on.

The most common form of plastic surgery is really called cosmetic surgery and this is the one that we will discuss in today’s class. Yeah, right, I just wanted to sound like a teacher for a second. Tell me what is cosmetic about getting your boobs made bigger. Cosmetic to me is changing the ways things look. Yes boobs can be made to look bigger or smaller (I prefer bigger myself) and they can also be lifted and tucked and made firmer and all that stuff. But is it really cosmetic? For it to be cosmetic would really mean that everyone can see. Well yeah, I can half see, but when I ask a lady who has just had a boob job if I can see I normally get slapped in the face. I just wanted to admire the handiwork of the surgeon in case I decided to get my wife some I would know which Doctors to go to and which not to go to. But no, I get slapped.

I was in New York earlier this year at a conference with a few colleagues. We had some adult beverages that evening and at some point in the night one of my colleagues was telling a group of women that we were there on a convention of plastic surgeons and that my specialty was breast augmentation. He did not say we were actually doctors but just that I was an expert at breasts. I guess I say I qualify cause I have definitely seen my share of them in my lifetime ( mostly at gentleman’s clubs… yeah right ) Well, all of a sudden, I became a super hero the rest of the night and just started talking about breasts. You would not believe how many hot little 20 year olds wanted to discuss their breasts. Now, always being the gentleman I did not take this to any other level like saying let me see or anything like that while we were at the bars. So we decided to go to a men’s club to critique the work that was done by various people. You know there were literally thousands of dollars of augmentations that were right there in one bar which shows you the lucrative nature of these so called optional surgeries.

Now, I have been thinking about this topic since it was suggested last week and I came up with a song about augmented breasts and it is sung to the tune of the “Armour Hot Dog Song” . You remember it, Hot Dogs Armour Hot Dogs, etc.

Fake Breasts , Men love Fake Breasts
All kinds of men love those Fake Breasts
Big Breasts, Little Breasts, Breasts that are really firm
C cups, D Cups, They’re the ones that make us squirm
Fake Breasts, Men love Fake Breasts
The Breasts men love to ……....

Ok sorry about that I just got carried away for a second in getting to talk about breasts. I bet you thought I was going to use a different work that rhymed with firm. Your mind is sicker than mine. And yes, I left that last work blank on purposes because there are so many things men love to do with breasts. Oh no here I go again.. OK, I will stop about that now and talk about asses.

That’s right fake asses, just like our politicians in Washington and most of the people in Hollywood. I guess the way they refer to the procedure is a “butt lift” or “butt augmentation". Anyway they take fat and inject into your ass to help shape your body so your ass matches the rest of your body and they perform liposuction at the same time. So basically they are redistributing the fat in your ass.

Ok, nice asses are good to look at but the only functionality that a normal persons ass has is to take a huge dump and provide cushioning when we sit. It kind of contrasts with the asses is Washington that kind of just sit there but are not functional at all.

Lastly, let’s talk about Hollywood. If I were to do my career all over again I want to be a plastic surgeon in Hollywood, or maybe even just Joan Rivers plastic surgeon, I bet he made a living just on her. These people are so vain, they are the one Carly Simon wrote about in her song.

The amount of different types of cosmetic surgeries in Hollywood is amazing as they seek to be the perfect person in that perfect city of perfect people. These perfect people think just because they look good that their fame should lead them to be leaders or influences of leaders in our government. Just think of it this way, if more Hollywood patients of plastic surgeons who have had butt augmentation ran for the House of Representative or the Senate then we could be sure to have the perfect ass in Washington.

Rednecks ooppss meant to say Mullets...

2008-10-10T21:12:00.002-04:00

Sorry about the title, I got confused since the two go so much hand in hand, I forgot which one I was asked to write about this week. Yes, you got it, the fashion statement of the century; the mullet.

When I think of a mullet the first thing that comes to mind is David Spade playing “Joe Dirt”. In my opinion one of the frickin funniest movies I have ever seen because it is the stereotype personified. It’s strange the way our minds associate peoples personalities, intelligence or in this case lack of due to a physical appearance or a terrible mistake in judgment by thinking this haircut looks cool.

OK now for those of you who may be saying “What is a mullet” I want to know what rock you have been hiding under all your life. But just to be fair a “mullet” is a type of hairstyle which is short or cropped in the front and side and is long in the back. They seem to have had the majority of their popularity in the 80’s and early 90’s and basically South of the Mason Dixon line in the US., although some misguided people in other areas are sometimes seen with this illness also. You would think the opposite, long hair means it keeps things warmer so it makes sense that it would be popular if anyplace in the northern states. But this proves my theory on the intellectual powers of people who have mullets since they are in the south where long hair would typically be a problem due to the heat, but these people are so dumb they don’t think that way, they just let the back of their hair grow and grow and grow.

I have 2 theories that the length of the hair is proportionate to the lack of intelligence exhibited by mullet wearing people.

1) Having a mullet in the southern regions causes a type of heatstroke during the summer months which then affects their brains ability to think and react to the world in a normal manner

2) When mullet people are sleeping at night, the hair becomes alive and starts` to wrap itself around the necks of all people who have mullets. This causes a lack of oxygen to their brains which leads to the same effect as above

In addition to mullet people having delusional thoughts that this hairstyle actually looks good, mullets cause the behavior of mullet people to become extremely offensive to others, this includes
· drinking alcohol to excess ( this is to help them forget they have mullets)
· decreasing levels of intelligence on a daily basis ( due to alcohol consumption and the lack of oxygen as noted in theory 2)
· terrible hygiene (they forget to bathe due to the brain deterioration)

In closing I would like to leave you with a little know fact on mullets that maybe will one day be a Jeopardy question or something like that. A mullet is also a type of fish. It is often called a shit fish because when waste is dumped overboard from Navy ships the mullet is the first fish to the scene to eat it. I have just had a revelation, the fact is, most mullet people smell like shit and look like shit and that a mullet haircut is a piece of shit so it just makes sense that a mullet fish would eat shit.

Reality TV

2008-10-04T14:34:00.003-04:00

It is amazing to see the absolutely ridiculous things that people will do for money and their 15 ++ minutes of Fame. Now that is not to say that all Reality TV is stupid and mindless. (Are we talking about those who participate or those who view or both?)

If you think about it, the enormity of the popularity of these types of shows it is utterly ridiculous. There are entire Websites totally dedicated to reviewing each episode of every single reality type show that has ever come across the screen or proposed to come across the screen. On one website it lists every single reality show and I counted a total of 605 although my number may be wrong and most of these have been produced since 2000. Wow, tells you a lot about our society. People get entertainment out of watching other people in most cases make total fools of themselves and losing their own self respect for sometimes not much money at all unless they actually win a prize.

You can say that the old TV Game Shows like “What’s My Line” and stuff like that were really the early predecessors of today’s total saturation of television with these types of nonsense shows. Those shows in my eyes were fun, innocent and clean and I really think the pure game show will always have a place on TV.

This all started to explode when the writers went on strike one year and the networks had to come up with some stuff to fill time slots without boring all of us with reruns forever…. So, let’s get some people together and put them in the middle of frickin nowhere on a island to play stupid games and argue with each other, and vote people off until we have one left….. and then let’s give them a bunch of money. Then when they are done with this show, they can get on another show so to keep their 15 minutes of fame running and running and running. That’s right, there are a lot of reality TV Show participant whores, and they just go from one show to another to another. That’s not only with the contest type shows but also what I call the self promoting shows and especially true with C and D list celebrities. (However on a personal note I do love Kathy Griffin- fellow Chicago person and I am not Gay)

Actually, there are all types and kinds of reality shows that are on network and cable channels with some being interesting and others just plain frickin stupid.

Let’s start with what are really close to documentaries in episodes, these I can’t really make fun of because they are the ones I enjoy the most. Shows like Deadliest Catch, Ice Road Truckers. I am cool with those because you actually see a type of life that you would not experience otherwise. I guess they are now trying to differentiate themselves a bit by calling themselves a different genre which is not reality but actuality.

Next on my descending scale of coolness are the shows like Mythbusters, Dirty Jobs, etc.. These are also good in my book because you can actually learn things from these shows although the hosts and co-hosts are somewhat eccentric and stunts can be funny, all in all I do not think they insult the intelligence of the average American as do the others types which will be coming up shortly.

I tried to come up with a name for the next group and all I could come up with were “Self Help Shows”. You know stuff like “The Nanny” where a British accented lady shows us that we do not know how to control or raise our own kids and she has to do it for the people on the show. Personally I would like to see a show called “Nanny” where a hot 20 year old co-ed seduces the husband of the family she is working for. “Oh wait, that is on the movie channels in hotels”

Ok, now we start to get to the good stuff (in my eyes because I can make so much fun of the crap I am going to be writing about next) let’s start off with what I call The Self Promotion Show. You may say “What?” You know what I am talking about, this is a washed up celebrity or family or something like that that decides to have cameras follow them around to see what they do during the course of a day. These are shows like ”The Ashley Simpson Show”, “Being Bobby Brown”, “Tommy Lee Goes to College”, “Hey Paula”, etc. Who really frickin cares? A whole bunch of people evidently. They keep making more and more of this crap. Is this real life for these people of the shows, I seriously doubt it; some of it has to be put on because they are being followed by frickin cameras everywhere they go. I don’t know about you, but when a camera is on me at home or anywhere I tend to ham it up a bit. I normally will give a thumbs up or the finger or something to the camera. Yep, I am 100% sure this is really a chronicle of their real life. . .. NOT... But really who cares what the frick they do, I do not and don’t care to see people who make tons more money than I can ever imagine making crying on TV over the fact that their pet poodle took a crap in their yard as opposed to the place where it is supposed to crap, or that their best friend just made fun of their make-up. Who frickin cares? Yes, I just wait to watch Paula go into a hysteric crying frenzy, or Tommy Lee attempt to go to College. “Yeah right” How much of this is real and how much is a put on? Wait, isn’t Paula on another reality show also, back to my first point about washed up celebrities making a fortune on this type of garbage. But, the public perpetuates this so where there is demand there will be supply.

I am personally feeling real good now because I am just warming up on this whole topic. YEEEE HAAA.

Now we continue on with the stupid “Celebrity Shows”. Yes, you could watch a show with celebrities doing almost anything; dancing, cooking, singing duets, getting fit being moles, rapping. Some of the titles are great and take so much ingenuity. Yes, they all start with Celebrity. It took a genius to figure that out. Every once in a while there might be an A List on the show but most of these are C or D listers who have not been heard about in years. Yes their 15 minutes were up 15 years ago. I guess people have to pay their bills sometimes since most of them squandered their money anyway when they were making it. In looking through some lists the best one was “Celebrity Rehab.” Yep, that’s right we can now watch as some minor star who at one time was a celebrity goes through the DT’s during Rehab and all that. Now sing with me…. “That’s Entertainment”

We all want to see a good contest and it brings out the competitive nature in us. So we are now absolutely infiltrated with Contest Shows. There are contests where you can win money, win a job, win a wife, win a husband and I don’t know what else but there are sure a lot of contests. They either play as individuals or as teams with the ultimate goal of being the last person left. They lie, cheat , steal , betray each other, have fights, have sex, and do whatever it takes to win the ultimate prize of money or whatever. But is that the ultimate prize… NO.. The ultimate prize if that if the people liked them they will be asked to be on more and more shows…. Need I say more than Rob and Amber; like if I really wanted to watch their wedding.

The only reason I have really watched any of the Reality TV shows especially the contest type is to see how hot the women are. Yes it is sexist, but that is me. I want to see how much cleavage I can see on these babes and if they have a nice butt. Then I will root for them to go on to the next week so I can see them again and hope they wear something even more revealing the next week and I can get a nipple glimpse through some sheer fabric. Two good ones to watch if you are looking for cleavage are “Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders” and “Girls Next Door”. I asked my wife what do women look for in the guys on these shows and she said personality. (Then she glanced back at me with a huge smirk on her face)

The most recent trend is the Japanese Style game Show. “I Survived a Japanese Game Show” and “Wipeout”. Yes, I want to see a 400 pound person covered in mud with the crack of their butt showing (or being covered up by a television graphic to make it obvious) on TV. And to think it is on right after dinner. Yes, it is are funny seeing people bounce off big rubber balls into mud or hitting something hard and sliding into the water. Again it shows how desperate some people are to get their 15 minutes no matter how they humiliate themselves.

You know, I can go on and on about all this stuff but it has to end somewhere. So just some random final thoughts:

I was looking through the list of the 605 or so shows and saw one that said” Pantry Raid” this is where they go to someone’s house and make a dinner out of whatever is in their Pantry. I personally think they should have one called Panty Raid which would document the life of college men as they pursue the ultimate Panty Raid in Girls Dorms.

Then I saw it, the music started playing because now I know I had found the ultimate Reality Show as I was glancing through the list.. You got it, the one you just couldn’t miss but got cancelled anyway.

“The Battle of the Network Reality Show Stars”… Need I say more?

About Nothing

2008-09-28T16:04:00.004-04:00

No one had written down any suggestions this week so I thought initially that I would be a smart ass and write on nothing. What is nothing; nothing is simply the absence of lack of anything.

So I started to do a bit of research on nothing by looking up nothing on Google. I sat there and I typed nothing into my Google bar. By nothing I mean that I did not type anything and I left it completely blank since as I said above that nothing is the absence or lack of anything. Well I hit my return button and entering nothing into the Google tool bar and do you know what happened. It gave me a page on Google with some basic info saying Google is now 10 and another search box to enter a subject in.

I will get back to that in a second but if you think about it, I got something for nothing although it was not anything much it still was some kind of page that I got for entering nothing into the Google bar. I had always been told that you can’t get something for nothing but I personally have proved that theory to be wrong. Yes that is right for nothing I got a Google Page with some info on it. So this new Google page that said Google is now 10 had another empty space to write your subject into and 2 categories underneath. One said Google Search and the other said “I’m feeling lucky”. I hit the regular Google search with nothing written in the toolbar and the same exact page came back. So this time I did get nothing for nothing. I decided that I was feeling lucky so hit that button after entering nothing in the toolbar and I got back a page that basically told me that what the I’m feeling lucky button can do is to return the first article in the search of whatever I was looking for. But since I was looking for nothing it did give me something back other than the nothing I was looking for. But if you enter nothing again into that page the same page comes back so you again get nothing from nothing.

That reminds me of the Billy Preston song “Nothing from Nothing leaves Nothing”. People have been writing songs and stuff about nothing for years. Metallica wrote “Nothing else Matters”. The Jerry Seinfeld show was a show about nothing.

OK now that I had done the Google experiment, I decided to try Yahoo search. I went to the Yahoo Main Page and again entered nothing. A different page came up with now just an entry slot for a new term. So I entered nothing again and the same page came up. It is coincidence or what that when I entered nothing on both Google and Yahoo that at first something came up and then nothing came up.

OK, what was the point of that whole exercise? Yep, you got it, absolutely nothing. There was No point.

So now, my curiosity is raging and I went back to the Google Home page and actually typed in the letters “nothing” and hit the enter button. There were 750,000,000 results that had something remotely to do with nothing. Now that’s a whole lot of nothing and shows that many people think and write about nothing all the time. At least 750,000,000 times. Now of course things get more irrelevant as we go deeper and deeper into the pages of any web search so I only looked about 3 pages deep before my interest in nothing began to dwindle down to nothing.
I could go through the list of some of the more interesting results on nothing but I will leave that to you the next you have nothing to do.

I am tired of writing about nothing now so I am going to take a rest and do nothing the rest of the day.

Grumbling Stomachs

2008-09-21T11:19:00.003-04:00

I was sitting at my computer this morning and all of a sudden my stomach started grumbling. You know what I mean, that kind of churning noise coming from within. That noise that keeps on going and going and going just like the freaking Energizer Bunny.

Where does it come from and why does it happen? I have always been told that you’re hungry because that is your stomach talking to you. But it happens at different and also sometimes the most inopportune times. OK for the most often I will concede that it happens if I am hungry at almost any time. But why does it always seem to happen when you are sitting in the chair at a doctor or the dentist office. This has happened to me on numerous occasions and you just want to get up and hide. But is this an internal noise that we just hear because it is in our bodies or is it a noise like passing gas that everyone can hear. My guess is that everyone hears it and thinks why didn’t this stupid guy eat something today, or what the hell is wrong with him, is his stomach going to explode in my office, better get him the heck out of here fast.

I really think this happens because your body just wants to screw with your mind. It may be that you haven’t eaten yet, but your body says I am going to get back at this SOB for not feeding me and embarrass him in front of the dentist and his hot assistant and everyone within a one mile radius that will be able to hear this. This will teach this dumbass guy to feed me on a regular schedule.

And there are two different types of stomach grumblings, there is the nosiy grumbling when you have to eat as opposed to the churning and grumbling your stomach makes when you have to take a dump. Now I think the dump one is silent and it is just your body’s way of telling you that a bomb is going to go off soon from within your body and you better find a place to sit down fast or else once again it will embarrass you by crapping all over yourself. It still all has to do with food because it makes the noises of stomach grumbling if you feed it and it also churns and grumbles when you possibly have eaten the wrong thing that your body did not like.

Lastly, there is the ultimate embarrassing body noise, yes, you got it, the fart. But I just won’t go there with the description of the loud ripping noises that can echo throughout a crowd or the disgusting smell of the built up toxic gasses within our bodies. Sometimes they are sneak attacks and we did not know one was going to scoot out, and at other times we know one is coming but can’t do anything about it. Men have a much easier time I think with letting one rip in public; especially boys who tend to make a game out of whose can smell the worst. Most of the worst ones I have experienced have been by boys or men. I just do not think women fart in public, they hold them in until they can get to a bathroom because that is the lady like thing to do. Men just do what comes natural and let em rip. I just laugh and think of the campfire scene in Blazing Saddles and all the embarrassing moments that the body has pulled on me. Oh well.

Oops, Guess I briefly went there anyway. Have a great day!!

On Patience by Children

2008-09-16T19:09:00.002-04:00

They say patience is a virtue. Then what is impatience? I’ll tell you… it is a pain in the ass. If you have ever ordered anything that will arrive via mail, UPS, Fed-Ex, or Mule Express for a child who knew that you had ordered this you probably know exactly what I mean.
It is 100% coincidental, but I had stopped writing for about ½ hour to do some stuff around the house. Just as I was going to start writing again my son came into my office to ask about something we ordered off of e-bay on Saturday and the conversation went like this.

Son: Did they email you yet? Dad: They sent a confirmation that they received our payment.

Son: Did it ship yet? Dad: Probably not because yesterday was Saturday.

Son: Why not? Dad: They just don’t ship on Saturdays

Son: Will they ship tomorrow? How will they ship? Dad: Probably, and by mail

Son: So when will it get here? Dad: Wednesday or Thursday

Son: Why so long? Dad: Go to bed.

As you all know this is just the beginning because there will be questions every day until it comes about why it hasn’t come yet and pouting because it did not get here by Wednesday because I said it may be here by Wednesday. The UPS driver, Mailperson or Fed-ex driver will be cursed out in 14 year old language because it is their entire fault it is not here yet. And watch out if it does not come by Thursday because there will be temper tantrums all over again.
But why don’t they know how to be patient? The inevitable answer is that we have trained them from early on to be impatient when it comes to getting things. Just think of all the pestering that happens around Christmas when they know there is that gift coming from Santa. Is Santa here yet as they stay up all night in anticipation of the little old fat guy in the red suit bringing them their whatever they wished for on the department stores Santa’s lap. Well, you can open one of Grandma’s gifts tonight and Santa will be here in the morning. So they open that present and still whine for the Santa present.

Think of the other examples; birthday presents, the Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy… blah, blah, blah.

How do we teach them to be patient? I think new have to be deviant and think up of ways that will teach them to wait. Here are a few examples:

Did it ship yet? No, it will not ship until one month from now because they have to make some more.

Why didn’t it come today? Yeah, forgot to tell you the delivery guy called and he accidentally ran over your thing with his truck. They have to reorder and it will be here next week.

Will it deliver tomorrow? Only if the truck driver does not stop at his girlfriends overnight. That would cause him to miss tomorrow delivery.

Take the delivery and hide the merchandise. Then keep giving excuses for a few days until your patience finally runs out with them and you finally give them the thingamajigger that you ordered.

Refuse to order anything ever again!!
Yeah right
Then wait for the next time you do order for it to start all over again.

Thoughts on Dating

2008-09-14T15:48:00.000-04:00

Wow, what a topic to be given to write about….Where to even start and how to get into it. My only regret in being asked to write on this is the varied audience that may read this so having to keep it less graphic kind of dilutes how funny this really could be but here I go anyway.
This could take many different avenues and I have not yet decided which path to take. Do I take this on a personal route going through the rigors of dating while growing up as a geek in Chicago, through my college days, young adulthood, adulthood and eventual marriage? If I did it that way there would be several good and somewhat embarrassing stories which dependent upon who was reading this could eventually lead into lawsuits for defamation of character by even mentioning the fact that this person or that person was in any way associated with me in my geekhood or had any type of relationship at all which could be totally demoralizing to their character and possible could end in the total destruction of their current relationship(s). Why would this lead to the destruction of relationships? Well in one of two ways, their current partner could be totally ashamed of the fact of association or on the other hand and most likely that they had dated such an extraordinary human being and they could not live up to my standards and reputation. Well, anyway, enough about me as I have not decided to go in this direction.

What is dating? Well in a sense of definition it is described as any social activity performed as a pair or even a group with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as their partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse... The word refers to the act of agreeing on a time and "date" when a pair can meet and engage in some social activity. (Source Wikipedia)

That is a lot to take in, accessing, suitability, intimacy, engaging activities, eventual marriage, and on and on and on. It all starts at an early age….yes your right and you thought the days of parent arranging dates were over or just reserved for third world countries. Parents begin this activity for their toddler children at very early ages by arranging play dates with other children. This begins the total socialization process which will last the rest of their lives. But what about the lingering effects of the meddling parent by arranging these play dates? What if Suzy does not want to play with Tommy because she prefers to play with Sally because of her innate instinct to gravitate toward girls? Suzy will be even more suppressed as she goes on into the world until she eventually comes out of the closet sometime in her twenties? OK now, enough of my cynicism. But realistically think of the various different types of dating that takes place throughout one’s life and the differences between the types of dates and ages of the participants. Although somewhat overstated it does start with the scenario as listed above.

Teenage Dating: What can we say here but hormones, hormones, hormones? It starts with they like each other but are afraid to talk with the other person and who knows where it eventually ends up. Group dates are the way they mask us into believing it is all innocent. They hang out with the same group and go places but they all like each other, eventually they pair off into their couples. The next step is then double dating… now the group has whittled down to 2 couples and neither will squeal on the other as to what is going on or tell parent anything but we know better because we were teens once too….. I want to get into my details but then again this is read by a variety of age groups so….. Not to give any ideas I must refrain from the good stuff. Next thing you know, they are 16 and the car dates begin. Need I say more except do not listen to any songs by Meatloaf. I guess it is just to be left up to good old condom sense. Oh yes and then we go into Proms…. Need I say more?

Early adulthood: Just regular dating, but remember ourselves and how many dates one can go on in a night. Never, lure yourself into the sense that you are in a committed relationship if the date begins at 7PM and you are home and going out with your buddies by 11:00 PM. She is not at home but out on another date and that is the guy who is getting lucky that night not you. Oh yes, we all have been fooled but how long can that go on. Confront them and you will never get another date, try to get the late date and if there are always excuses move on because as we all know there are way too many opportunities that were squandered than deals that went through. Yes I am just rambling now but what more can I say and really keep it clean.

Blind Dates: We have all been through these where a friend sets you up with a friend they have told you about and then you decide to meet them. Personally I had only a couple of bad blind dates, but the horror stories are there. You basically are there to access the other person and see if there is compatibility. Well, wait that is it for any type of date isn’t it. That is the first date is a get to know you, the second date is more of the same to see if you really get along. The third date the most critical date for a guy that is if we don’t get anywhere here it is out the door and move on the next one. Make this a late date; if it is to be an early date don’t bother at all. Have to remember still young and the drive is always there.

This can go on and on and on…. But remember that the circle of life always will take us back to the beginning and that as we grow older that Senior Dating was supposed to be like the innocent group dates of our early teen years dating for companionship. For those of us reading with elderly parents who are dating again let me end this whole essay with one word which will bring you the ultimate peace of mind. VIAGRA.

14 year old temper tantrums

2008-09-14T15:45:00.000-04:00

It all began back in 1994 when I was shopping for a new mattress. I went from store to store to store and could not find anything that felt comfortable. I tried to lay down in the beds but people in the store got pissed because when I was trying them I was always with a girl and you know one thing would lead to another although we never did lose our clothes. Anyway in one store I found that the best bed for me and my shadows was a kind they called a temperpedic. The store that had the temperpedic was out of stock so I kept looking and looking going from store to store to find the exact one that was best and could not effin find any in my city, so then I went from city to city and finally started to get upset . Then my friend Sam told me that his store sold them but they were a club... So I went to this guy Sam’s Club and was told that they did not have a temperpedic but did have a tempered steel tanning bed. I laid down in the bed and did get a great tan. If you hit the side a the tanning bed a certain way it made a hollow sound like a drum......I played and played my home made drum on that tanning bed..... And for 14 years it has be my tempered tandrum.........

What do you want to hear about??

2008-09-14T15:44:00.000-04:00

MUSINGS FROM THE MIND OF A MINION.

My writing is inspired by the recent writings of one of my friends. i figured why not start my creative process going once again. A little about my comedic style is that I was formally trained in Improvisation at several training centers in Chicago including Jo Forsberg Players Workshop and The Second City Training Center and have performed in various thetrical projects and Improvisational Comedy Groups but not in a while with the last group be Improvision in Charlotte, NC back in the mid 90's... So the first few may be a bit rusty but I think I still have the old never so no attitude that should make this funny if not hysterical at times. I will try to wing almost any topic and hopefully make it enjoyable. This will be the wirtten version of talk on any topic for 5 minutes...

So here is the format. You tell me what you want me to write about in the comments section of the most recent blog post. Now granted it probably will not make much sense and will most likely be 100% pure BS but I will write something on whatever topics are suggested through your comments on this space. I hopefully will be able to address all and will make it amusing. Let's keep the topics clean and also I prefer not to comment on religion or politics either..... it is amazing what can be funny. Make up a scenarion for a story, give me a topic... whatever...this will be for all's enjoyment. Also feed back will be much appreciated