Saturday, December 27, 2008

The Day After Christmas

Twas the day after Christmas, and the roads were all crowded
With people returning, all the stuff that’s not wanted
They go to the malls, and stand in long lines.
Just so the kids will stop with their whines.

Yes, one of the 2 most crowded driving days around any shopping center of the year. The other one being the day after Thanksgiving. Why are both of these busy shopping days the day after a Holiday in which you stuff yourself with food? Is it because people want to go to the malls to shed off some of the poundage they gained on the day before? Oh my gosh, I’m too fat from all that good food, I think I’ll go to the mall and walk around in a store full of crowded people and shed some of this weight. I could get a nap standing in line. Maybe it is that no one is creative enough anymore to do anything but shop on a day when they could do anything else that they wanted. I never have been and never will be out shopping on either one of those days, although I do confess to typically shopping on Christmas Eve. Leave that stuff for the masochists that want to save that extra 20%. Hey, I am all for saving money especially in these days and times, but what is the value of one’s time when you think of all the BS you have to put up with to shop on one of these days.

They go to the malls the day after Thanksgiving to get that special gift.. You know the one the kids have been begging for during the past 3 months. Oh, please mom, make sure Santa gets that for me for Christmas. So they stand in lines at 3:00 in the frickin morning to get that early early bird special or make sure they get that special gift before the store runs out of the one they are offering at special prices. My fat ass is sleeping in on those days because I had good food and a couple adult beverages the night before. The only thing I am waking up for is if I have a tee time or to watch the football games and drink another couple adult beverages. OK sorry for the digression, now we jump forward 4 to 6 weeks depending on how much time there is on that year between Thanksgiving and Christmas. That is another thing I just do understand. Call me stupid but why is there such a big difference between some years and Thanksgiving and Christmas. Why does Thanksgiving change for year to year? If Christmas is always the 25th of December why isn’t it so for Thanksgiving? This year it seemed as if Thanksgiving was just over and Christmas is here. There wasn’t even time for the geese to get fat again in the time between the Holidays. You remember the saying” Christmas is coming the geese are getting fat”

So Santa slipped his fat ass down the chimney last night and it is now Christmas Day opening all the presents and everything starts to happen. One whines why they did not get the Uncle Doodles scratch pad and another one says this is not the right thingamajig because it is blue and not purple. Your sister in law buys you the ugliest sweater in the world that you would not even want to put her through the misery of wearing….. So, we resolve themselves (again not me cuz I am sleeping or golfing) to go to the mall and buy some extra stuff on sale or return and exchange the gifts. What difference does a day make if I do it today or tomorrow or next week.. OH NO.. It may be gone by then. Too bad, then get something else.

It always also makes me wonder why we do not just wait until a week after Christmas to give everyone Christmas presents since you can buy them cheaper than any time in the year. Yes you may not get the exact thing you want but you would definitely save money. Maybe it would be best to change to an Eastern Rights Church which celebrates Christmas on January 6th. But then again even most of them exchange gifts on Dec 25th as opposed to waiting for their religions official Christmas. Yet, no matter what we have to conform to do what everyone else does whenever everyone else does it. Why not take that chance and be different, celebrate Holidays much later than you are supposed to. This way you could really celebrate Christmas in July.

Why can stores afford to practically give their crap away with only one day making a difference? Does this tell you the mark up they have on their stuff to begin with is huge or are they actually selling at a loss. I doubt they are selling at a loss just to get rid of stuff, not yet at least.

So as you remember the traffic and the drive you took to save money and exchange gifts, just remember one think, Christmas is only 363 days away. Happy New Year!!!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Frickin Idiots

Have you ever laid awake at night just so pissed off at the world and think to yourself what a frickin idiot a certain person is? It does not have to be someone you know by name or even someone who you know exactly who it is. It could have been a total stranger and in many instances, that is the case. Why are there just so many stupid ass people in the world? The ones that just do stupid things and also the ones that when you ask them a question all they do is look at you with that blank stare. You know, that stare that say the lights are on but no one is home.

I get so pissed at people and situations all the time because they are just so stupid. Like the clerk at the store that still screws up how much change to give you even though the cash register tells them the exact amount, they do not know how to frickin count out the change. How about the guy that cuts you off driving at the last minute or runs the red light and almost runs you head on? Lets here it for the person in front of you in the line at the drive thru McDonald’s that takes forever to read the menu, and then tries to order into the speaker that isn’t there because there is a sign that says drive to window to place your order. These are just some examples of the situational stupidity that infests itself in our everyday society.

This type of idiot can also be seen in many other face to face situations. You know who they are when you ask them the question they just give you the stare, sometimes they will repeat your question while they are giving you the stare. All the while they are thinking I really do not know what the frick he is talking about so I will just give him the stare and pretend. How frickin stupid do they think we are that we don’t know that they don’t know Jack, and I’m not talking about the mascot for Jack in the Box restaurants. Although the guy who wears the costume may seem like an idiot but heck, look at the money he is making being an idiot.

While we are talking about idiots who make a lot of money, let’s talk about CEO’s who make millions and millions of dollars running our corporations into near bankruptcy and then having the balls to ask for our government to give them money so they do not have to go bankrupt. Or how about the union boss idiots that let wages get out of control so our companies cannot compete with newer companies here in the US without the unions. Or let’s talk about Governors who want to sell Senate seats. Yes, the list can go on and on and on.

As I think about this there are probably a whole lot of people that think I am an idiot also. I find myself to be extremely adept at doing most things, however when it comes to some of the electronic communication devices I guess my age is getting to me in figuring a lot of that stuff out because I do not have the patience to sit down and work it out since my mind is constantly wandering and wanting to do more productive things than spend hours figuring all that crap out. That is why we pay people to do this stuff like the ones that sell you phones. I had an experience getting a new Blackberry yesterday and the girl at the phone store said she could not download my contacts and was having problems setting up my email. I asked her questions and got the blank stare, so I said screw it just give me the phone and I will figure it out. OK, this is where I become the idiot after dealing with an idiot. I got home and realized that she had not set up my email to sync with my other email accounts. Anyway to make a long story short, after spending several frustrating hours I still do not have a clue how to set this up. Due to this I sent several emails last night to a couple people who know how to do this who must think I am an absolute idiot because my message came about as so frantic. This would have never happened had I not had to deal with an idiot to begin with when I purchased my phone and had someone to explain it to me.

It is my belief that idiots do not want to be alone in this society so they make it so you act like an idiot after dealing with them because they are so frickin stupid it temporarily attacks your brain cells and sends them into a state of shock so you act like an idiot too and lose all self deduction skills. How many times have you displayed irrational behavior after having to deal with an idiot? My favorite is to just flip them off, unfortunately I think they are too frickin dumb to understand what the finger means.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Holiday Parties

I love this time of year not only for the joy of Christmas but for all the different types of parties that happen during this season. Before Christmas Parties, Christmas Parties, Office Parties, Out of the Office Parties, The party after the office party at the local bar, New Years Eve Parties, New Years Day hangover Parties, New Years Day Football Parties and Parties just to Party.

That’s right I love parties during this time of year because I get to watch people who do not drink much get absolutely blasted and make fools of themselves. Now, I am no angel and I had my share of being the drunk at parties when I was younger, drunker and did not have many responsibilities. But now, I’ll have my couple of tea toddling drinks and just watch the others which provides more humor than hearing about the assholes in Washington trying to bail out the automotive industry.

There are just so many places to go with this topic that I don’t know where to start. So whenever I know I have a lot to write about I normally go to a song. As I sit here thinking, there are a few easy song titles which can relate to Office Christmas Parties, and the thoughts going through our heads after a few drinks. If anyone would want to hear a full verse of any of these songs just email me and I will email you back with my original rendition. Or maybe I could do a K-Tel album of the Best of Office Party Christmas Songs and have some washed up celebrity on a commercial singing the lead ins. Maybe like Danny Bonaduce or Andrew Dice Clay. $1.99 each + free bonus if you order NOW.

1) “I saw your wife screwing Santa Claus”. (To the tune of “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus”)

2) “Chase the Whores ”. ( To the tune of “Deck the Halls”)

3) “We wish we will get Laid Tonight”. ( To the tune of “We wish you a Merry Christmas”)

4) “I’m Wonderin how she Looks Naked”. ( To the tune of “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas”)

5) “I’ve got Blue Balls “( To the tune of “Jingle Bells”)

OK, sorry for the diversion but I just had to go there. Think about the office parties you went to when you were single; yes the only reason we were there was to get as drunk as possible and try to get laid. The sad thing is that most of the older married men there were also trying to do the same thing. There is nothing funnier than watching a bunch of middle aged white men with no rhythm trying to dance with 20 years olds and stumbling over their feet. Quite a few sprained ankles and broken egos at some parties I had been to. The sad thing is that the young hotties would navigate to these guys because they made the money and we were all young just starting out. So by the time they finally had time for us they were already drunk and the task at hand was a lot easier than having to go through all the initial bullshit. A lot of the parties were at hotels so we wouldn’t have to drive home, it was even more of a laugh to see how hung over people looked the morning after.

There are various stereotypes that get played out at any Holiday Party.

1) "Slurry Talkies"; there always is at least one person who will just talk and talk to anybody about anything and they do not make sense at all. They are typically slurring so bad you can’t understand them anyway and you are afraid they are going to fall over on you because they can barely stand.

2) “Huggies”; this is what I refer to as someone who all of a sudden gets affectionate and wants to hug people all the time. Depending on the situation this could be good or bad. Use your imagination here.

3) “Meanies”; these are the people who want to start arguments either with their spouse, girlfriend or just about anyone else. Normally the ones who ass you have to kick to escort out of the party

4) Food Mongers; they will stay at the food buffet all night just shoveling it in, you can’t even talk to them because they always have something in their mouth and combined with the alcohol you do not want to get a shower of food and beer while talking with them.

5) Finally I will end this with the Bubbas, yes they are the one that will drink and drink until they puke all over the place. I have written a song below. “ Bubba the Drunkass Redneck”. Of course it is a Christmas Song to the tune of Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer.

Hope you enjoy and Merry Christmas.

You’ve got Harley and Billy and Dale and Daryl
Carson and Jethro and Bobby and Chandler
But do you recall
The most famous redneck of all

Bubba the Drunkass Redneck
Just had to have another drink
He wanted to do some shooters
And puked up in the kitchen sink

All of the other Rednecks
Picked him off the kitchen floor
They wanted to kick his drunk ass
Right out of the frickin door.

Instead he puked up on the rug,
Stumbling to the the door
Bubba with his beer in hand
Couldn’t even frickin stand

That’s when he left the party,
And we shouted out with glee
Bubba the Drunk Ass Redneck,
Glad he didn’t puke on me.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

I wish you a Merry Re-Gift

Since I have never ever re-gifted anything in my life, I was doing a search for it on Google and found the script from the Jan.19, 1995 episode of Seinfield called “The Label Maker”. According to all my research this was the origination of the popular use of the term re-gifting. In case you may not remember, this is the episode in which Jerry receives a label maker from their dentist friend as a thanks for Super Bowl Tickets, only to find out that Elaine initially gave the Label maker to the Dentist for doing some free dental work.

Reading this episode made me realize just how well written this show was in terms of pure comic genius. It starts on a topic, introduces variables and manages to tie in the main topic several times. Just as an FYI the link to this script is http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/TheLabelMaker.html

Ok enough of the Seinfiedisms and back to the main topic. If you search the Internet on the topic you will find the same old rules about re-gifting over and over and over again, but just to make the point I will repeat them here also adding a couple of my own before I get into my take on re-gifting.

1) Do not give the re-gift to someone who knows the person that originally gave you the gift. This is the point of the Seinfield episode
2) Take any old markings off of the gift
3) If you know when you get something that you are eventually going to re-gift it, mark on a piece of paper who gave it to you initially so you do not give it to them.
4) Make sure the gift is new and not used
5) Make sure that you do not think it was re-gifted to you
6) Don’t be too cheap and at least rewrap the gift to make it seem as new
7) Don’t’ give stuff that is obviously a major target for re-gifting such as candles, soaps, after shave, cologne, pictures, obscure DVD’s or Cd’s, etc, you get the point.
8) Don’t tell the person you are giving the gift to that it is a re-gift.
9) Don’t re-gift something that you think is a re-gift already ( unless you do as stated below )

All right now that we have covered all the basic stuff on re-gifting let me give you my take on it. You are all a bunch of cheap ass bastards that don’t want to spend any money on people but want to give away your own frickin junk. (I am glad I do not fall into that category). Let’s face it; what else do we have to do with that some of that stuff we get. You know the stuff that you repeat when you open the box. Oh!! What a gorgeous scarf!! A Scarf!! (Thinking, you dumb ass what do I need a scarf for when I live in South Carolina and it does not get cold enough to wear one) Oh Thanks so much for “The Scarf”

I really cannot come up with a good rhythm here to write a fluid article on this so here are just a bunch of random thoughts, comments and question revolving around re-gifting.
  • To gift or to re-gift that is the question
  • How many germs do you think are on that plastic the fruitcake is wrapped in?
  • Do not drink the Aqua Velva anymore as they put chemicals in it. Just re-gift that re-gift.
  • How many years does fruitcake stay fresh?
  • How long does it take to iron the wrinkles out of once worn ugly necktie?
  • Do people actually wear tie pins or is that just another perfect re-gift item.
  • If you receive a gift that you KNOW is a re-gift you should just re gift it back to that person next year to let them know you knew it was a re-gift to begin with.
  • Remember to wipe down the boxes of stuff you are re-gifting to get rid of all the dust or if you want to be a smart ass write Merry Christmas in the dust.
  • Has anyone really used soap on a rope or is it just the same one that keeps going around.
  • Make a joke out of re-gifting with some of your friends and re-gift the same piece of junk item year after year to each other and make sure the person has to display it in a visible place in their house until the next year when they can get rid of it.

    So now you know everything there is going on in my brain about re-gifting and here’s hoping you get what you want for Christmas and remember to make sure the labels are still on it.